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So incredibly lost

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    Hi there,
    Looking for any words of wisdom or advice. I started as a new F1 this August. I have suffered with depression in the past but nothing like this. I hate my job. I have become numb to it all and I don't care about filling in eportfolio and completing e-learning. I chose to move away from home to a different city and I regret it daily. I dread waking up in the morning and constantly fantasise about leaving in the middle of the night and returning home. I feel like I have made no real friends since arriving here. My consultant is bullying, and when she isn't doing that she is pretending I don't exist. I don't know what to do anymore. I have had some dark thoughts lately. But even those seem pointless. This has taken every scrap of happiness away from me. The sad thing is that I think fundamentally I could be a good doctor. I do care about my patients but my own patience is wearing thin. I would really appreciate some advice. Thanks so much in advance.
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    (Original post by bluebirds000)
    Hi there,
    Looking for any words of wisdom or advice. I started as a new F1 this August. I have suffered with depression in the past but nothing like this. I hate my job. I have become numb to it all and I don't care about filling in eportfolio and completing e-learning. I chose to move away from home to a different city and I regret it daily. I dread waking up in the morning and constantly fantasise about leaving in the middle of the night and returning home. I feel like I have made no real friends since arriving here. My consultant is bullying, and when she isn't doing that she is pretending I don't exist. I don't know what to do anymore. I have had some dark thoughts lately. But even those seem pointless. This has taken every scrap of happiness away from me. The sad thing is that I think fundamentally I could be a good doctor. I do care about my patients but my own patience is wearing thin. I would really appreciate some advice. Thanks so much in advance.
    First thing I want to tell you is that the first step to being okay is telling someone you're not okay an you've managed that which is the first step. I don't know what you mean by F1? But I'm guessing trainee doctor? It's one of the most stressful jobs out there. Plus the fact that you're being bullied by someone you should be able to confide in. Plus the fact that you're in a new city without any support. This is A LOT to deal with so please don't be hard on yourself.

    You need to take small steps to change your situation. Is your depression becoming too much to handle? Have you had support for it before? Is there someone you can talk to about how you are being treated at work? Or is it that you would consider relocating closer to home, is this an option? I've felt lost so often and you need to be able to cling onto some kind of light in the darkness.
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    (Original post by shaheenl0ve)
    First thing I want to tell you is that the first step to being okay is telling someone you're not okay an you've managed that which is the first step. I don't know what you mean by F1? But I'm guessing trainee doctor? It's one of the most stressful jobs out there. Plus the fact that you're being bullied by someone you should be able to confide in. Plus the fact that you're in a new city without any support. This is A LOT to deal with so please don't be hard on yourself.

    You need to take small steps to change your situation. Is your depression becoming too much to handle? Have you had support for it before? Is there someone you can talk to about how you are being treated at work? Or is it that you would consider relocating closer to home, is this an option? I've felt lost so often and you need to be able to cling onto some kind of light in the darkness.
    Thank you so much for the reply and the kind words. Yes, I think my mental state is only getting worse. I would love to transfer and live back in my home town for a little stabilty but I don't know how I'd begin to go about that. I should probably talk to someone but who? Gp? Counsellor? I just don't know where to begin....
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    You need to see your GP in the first instance who can put you in touch with local services and discuss whether you might benefit from anti-depressants.

    Presumably you are going to rotate jobs soon? Is the next rotation looking any better in terms of colleagues? If not, it is probably worth talking to someone in your hospital (e.g. Educational Supervisor) if you think there is anything they can do to improve things.

    If you are going to seek a transfer on health grounds then you will need a trail of evidence showing that you have explored options for improving things locally. Otherwise, are any hospitals in your "home" foundation school likely to advertise standalone FY2 posts? There is no reason why you can't apply for one of these and then hand in your notice towards the end of FY1. You should take careers advice from within your foundation school before doing this but I can't immediately think why it should be a problem. Notice periods are available somewhere on the BMA website but I think are in the region of 4 weeks for SHO grades.

    You might benefit from posting in "The Couch" forum at Doctors.Net.UK and joining the "Tea & Empathy" group on Facebook (email [email protected] from an NHS or university email account with your GMC number to join). You may get some additional perspectives (including occupation-specific advice) from these places.
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    Some excellent advice above.

    I just wanted to add that, in general, your first job of FY1 is the most stressful and least enjoyable job you will ever do. Its being thrown in the deep end more than at any other point in your whole life, especially if you're doing a surgical job. Your actual day to day job is 10% people asking you questions you aren't allowed to answer, 90% high-intensity secretarial work completely unrelated to what you are trained for. Add the fact that you've just started so probably prioritise patients over your own needs still, AND you've got the all too frequent bullying senior surgeons/other doctors... well its horrible. All I can say is that, whilst it may not seem like it now, it will get better. It will. At least stick it out to your next job - how's that looking?

    My only other input is I wonder how much of this is truly that you are away from home, how much is that you are away from friends and med school - both of which won't be there if you return. Sorry to be a downer but being practical. Getting special dispensation to get into a specific hospital is likely to be difficult - if it were easy everyone would try to do it.
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    The first job isn't great. I felt really low and exhausted a lot of the time, but it really helped that I had a supportive team. I can't imagine how much worse it would have been if I hadn't. Hopefully things are looking up for you now that you've switched placements.
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    I agree with others about your first year or 2 of jobs as a doctor being the worst. It is nothing like being a doctor in the higher grades when you no longer have to do the secretary stuff and have more confidence and experience.
    I also agree that your idea of "home" will be coloured by med school memories where you were all in the same place which won't apply any more. Making new friends and finding hobbies you can do in different places is part of the skill set you need as a doctor.
    If you are depressed I suggest seeing your GP but I would also discuss your unhappiness with someone at your hospital. Occupational health and the director of your foundation programme or educational supervisor would be a start.
    Remember that this is a short training post.
    Think of things you can do to increase your self confidence if the job and your consultant are eroding it.
    It will get better.
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    (Original post by bluebirds000)
    Hi there,
    Looking for any words of wisdom or advice. I started as a new F1 this August. I have suffered with depression in the past but nothing like this. I hate my job. I have become numb to it all and I don't care about filling in eportfolio and completing e-learning. I chose to move away from home to a different city and I regret it daily. I dread waking up in the morning and constantly fantasise about leaving in the middle of the night and returning home. I feel like I have made no real friends since arriving here. My consultant is bullying, and when she isn't doing that she is pretending I don't exist. I don't know what to do anymore. I have had some dark thoughts lately. But even those seem pointless. This has taken every scrap of happiness away from me. The sad thing is that I think fundamentally I could be a good doctor. I do care about my patients but my own patience is wearing thin. I would really appreciate some advice. Thanks so much in advance.
    How have things been since, OP?

    I hope you've managed to find some support.
 
 
 
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