Stuck in a rut- 5 year relationship

Hi there,
This is my first post so bare with me.
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years, over the last year, tensions are high, a month or two ago I was very close to breaking up with him. He's very immature, act like a three year old in a argument, use the silent treatment etc. Since we started dating he always avoids arguments, which is ironic since he likes to cause them!
I literally had to force him to speak his mind to me after 8 months.. He never tells me how he's feeling he will just get upset and ignore me. He's unemployed and has been for most of the relationship.
I'm at uni and I don't have time for his childishness so I tend to go about my day if he's in that mood.
It's just I hate going over and it's like being stuck in a endless cycle of what we do, I try to tell him that I wanna do something else then he gets upset that I don't want to cuddle him (there's more to a relationship then laying in bed cuddling?) I just wanna do something else. Also I always go over to his he never comes over to mine. Which pisses me off. Anyone been/is in a similar situation. I just feel like I'm stuck, I love him with my whole being but nearly everyday I get frustrated cause of him..
Help!

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

That's a difficult one. It seems like the relationship you might have once had, is deteriorating. The occasional argument is heathly for a relationship but if it is becoming consistent then your relationship might need to be questioned. Perhaps he is also intimidated by the fact you're in Uni and he instead is left at home, unemployed. Maybe that has him frustrated. You also need to ask yourself: Are you happy in this relationship? Can you see yourselves getting past this?

Sometimes, even if you love the person, you can't remain in the relationship if it's gonna make you unhappy. Your health and happiness are top priorties. And yes, being in a relationship for that long, naturally you'd think I couldn't leave the guy. But you've got to decide what's best for you. Follow your heart 'as they say'.

Reply 2

chikane

Original post by Anonymous

You may love him with your whole being but you both are completely different people. I dont even know how you can be in love with him when he acts like a prick. Is this the guy you want to spend your whole life with? lazy, immature, pathetic loser who cant even make an effort to get a job so will rely on your income and will use you for your money.
Just end things cause things wont get better with him you tried talking hasnt worked he is not willing to change his behaviour and act like a man maybe he will once he sees he could lose you. Tell him you want space apart and see what he does.

Reply 3

MarkyMark2021!

I’m afraid I have to agree with the previous post.You have different attitudes to life itself. Whilst he is content to lounge about unemployed and directionless in life you are goal orientated and have have ambition. Although you didn’t go into much detail about his situation. Is he actively looking for work? Perhaps it’s this frustration that makes him the way he is. Does he have hobbies and interests? Any passions in life? It must be frustrating for you studying hard and coming back to that, and I can see how the resentment would begin to develop.Ask yourself where you see your life in five years, and where his would be. As much as you love him it would appear that his characteristics I.e. childishness,cold shoulder treatment etc are not going to change over night and to be honest it seems you know already that you are not happy and things aren’t going to get better any sooner.Have a heartfelt conversation with him, tell him your not happy. If he isn’t willing to change his attitude or gets all *****y about it then do yourself a favour and get rid. Concentrate on your life as you obviously have a bright future ahead of you and deserve better.

Reply 4

Eien

I can’t judge you both just from your post, but my impression is that deep down you want to leave him, the fact that this relationship is consistently causing you more grief than joy, and he has been unemployed for a long time are significant red flags to me (unless he is unemployed due to some kind of mental or physical illness? Then that might be different).
A common useful thought experiment is to focus on imagining being in a certain situation (I.e being with your boyfriend) for the next 10-20 years. Do you really, truly feel that you can face it? Listen to your gut. If it says “no” give him a final chance, you don’t have to vocalise it to him if you don’t want to, but do whatever you can to see if you can try to understand him and if the situation is workable. If it isn’t, cut your losses.

Reply 5

Zarek

Doesn’t seem very promising for future life together. Have a serious talk or end it. Expending more years with someone when it isn’t going to work is bad for both parties.

Reply 6

londonmyst

Is he a spoilt teenager living with parents?
It doesn't seem like the two of you have any shared ambitions, compatible lifestyles or much positive communication with each other.
Unless something drastically changes the relationship is unlikely to be a happy one or survive until your graduation.

Reply 7

EU Yakov

he sounds like a loser. unemployed, bad at communicating, childish and immature. once you find a job he's gonna start leeching. it's usually women leeching off men in my social circle but i've heard of other stories where the woman actually got a job and the man felt like he didn't have to. maybe start trying to come up with a list of reasons not to leave him

(edited 3 years ago)