No need for psychologists and all those bull****ters i need independance, to fix all my "issues" with myself and to get a life! Problems that have led to poor diet (not in the fatty sense) and a expensive gambling addiction which leaves me obsessive and mentally going crazy every now and then, everyone with an addiction to anything knows it is a life long battle, i stayed clean for 2 months then it ate me! I am depressed but i'm one of those people who doesnt show it, i laugh and joke and smile around other people, they dont notice a thing whats going on mentally until i explode, but then whoever i explode to nothing ever comes of what they say, partly because the next week i'm all happy chappy around everyone and maybe i shut them out from helping or they fear getting in the way.
So to go back to the independance part, i've rotted down to a loner, not entirely but pretty much so. Because i'm stuck at home everything i do, wherever i go, who its with, how long its for, what i eat, when i sleep, what ever i do its like i dont have any control or freedom, its like being in the big brother house. Some people can cope withit and know how to swing it round to their own independance, like my sister who would disappear til the early hours of the morning, but i dont have that social life. I'd like one but cant get it, never been one to put myself out there. Anyway i am 19, when i was 18 i was going to leave to uni, but i didnt really have any idea what i wanted to do so i through myself at anything, i left but couldnt commit to 3 years of that, so i returned and got in on a course at home, thrown in this one aswell really, i was sort of a late comer and wasnt in the accomodation with most the others and because of the mixed up classes and such i never managed to make it properly there. I had threads in certain lectures, even people i knew from school, but other lectures were so spread out and varied i couldnt settle. Which eventually led me to skipping most things! I passed January exams by blagging using my intelligence, but then it went down hill totally, to the point i gave up, i'd go into town just so the people at home actually thought i was going! I then knew what i wanted to do, but when i told people about it it was a case of tough, a - you've already tried leaving and you failed, b - you've already been on two uni courses, c - we dont know what to do so just see our the year. Needless to say i failed that year. Didnt even turn up to the exams. Now i'm at home with nothing, the chance to leave and do something i wanted to has gone because i failed. So i ended up enrolling on a "home" course. So now the depression goes on for another year? As i sit at home all day again, try to teach myself the course. Now i have no student loans though i have to get a job to pay for my car and such, i'd rather work in an office but looks like i'm being pushed down the shelf stacker route. That'll get me out of the house for a little while each week but it wont answer the problems, it wont put me in the position to be able to be someone, end of the course i'll be in full time job no doubt, still at home, on a nice wage but i can hardly move out when i have zero social life, i go out once a week for a few hours, that is my social life. Everyone wants friends, a love life and to feel good about themselves, be fit healthy, i just cant seem to do that at home. When i turn 20 in what, 5 months time now, my teen years will be over and officially wasted. I know i can thrive with freedom i just cant get it, i need to be thrown in the deep end.
Anyway had to have this rant, doubt anyone will reply nor be able to advise anything. Bon voyage
And I hate it