Can you just "ditch" a friend?

I've been a member of a fairly insular group of friends for a few years now. I didn't choose these people, we all just fell together largely as a result of feeling rejected by our peers and needing some support. Most of us are actually pretty cool people, despite being labeled "losers" and "geeks". However, one of is always manages to spoil the party.

She has a horrific "holier than thou" attitude which reeks of "look at me, I'm so lovely and reasonable and moral and amazing". She is the first to judge you, despite prefessing infinite tolerance. She always makes snide remarks, while verbaly slaughtering anyone who is less than beautifuly behaved and polite. She leads the way in all "moral" debates (capital punishment, abortion, euthanasia) and seems to believe that no-one is responsible for their actions and everyone is an innocent sweetheart who must be cherished and tolerated by society, even if they are a raving mass murderer.

If things are not 'just so' then she manages to look both confused and annoyed. Even something as simple as a classic show she likes being digitaly remastered causes her to loudly profess her dissaproval while other people are just trying to get on and enjoy it.

She met my boyfriend for the first time the other day (at a group gathering) and he playfuly called me a "crazy bitch". I laughed, and probably tickled him, or playfuly punched him, and it was clearly an affectionate joke. Later in the day, when my other friends were praising him ('yay, she finaly got herself a decent bloke', 'you seem so sweet' etc etc), she loudly said, "well, he did call her a crazy bitch" as if it was the most foul and offensive thing he could have said! Not only that, be she managed to deeply insult me choice of dessert when I was doing a fancy dinner for everyone ("would you like some belgian chocolate cake?" . . "well, when I consider the other options, I suppose I don't have a choice". Sheesh. She could just have said "yes, that would be lovely".)

Man, I could spend a day listing all the unkind and tactless things she has said and done. It is never her fault. And according to her, I am some crazy facist that she suffers the company of because she is such a wonderful person . . . simply because I don't kiss Tony Blair's ass.

So, anyway. I want to officialy strike her off and never have anything to do with her again. But most of my friends are not, uh, as 'sensitive' to her indiscretions as I am. Basicly, they just get on with being nice people and I'm the only one who seems to voice my disquiet. I imagine it would look awful if I simply never invited her to anything again, and I'm sure she would be moaning straight away if I stopped getting her cards and presents (despite the fact that she never remembers what I do get her anyway). What can I do?

Reply 1

Cushti

10

Anonymous

Not only that, be she managed to deeply insult me choice of dessert

I think you're being a bit highly strung here, to be honest. So what, she didn't like the ****ing pudding, it's no biggy. How can one be 'deeply insulted' over a cake? In any case, that made me LOL.

She's clearly opinionated, extroverted and out-spoken. Would you rather she was a mouse with no thoughts or views to express? If you find her attitude a bit much sometimes, then try and just see her in small doses.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

*giggle*

The dessert thing was just an example of how she can never simply be nice. If something isn't perfect, she has to be nasty about it.

I would rather she was thoughtful, kind, interesting and dropped the "look at me" facade. That doesn't add up to being a boring little mouse. It adds up to her being enjoyable company and a decent person.

The other day she told me that if I ever did something 'naughty' (drinking too much, smoking, drugs, illicit sex) that she would feel duty bound to tell my parents as "the truth is more important than friendships". WTF? She is a crazy, moralizing Jesus freak. I can't stand her and I only see her once every 6 months or so.

Reply 3

--

3

Well, you're a tory, so just think what they have to put up with?

Reply 4

cpj1987

15

Anonymous

*giggle*

The dessert thing was just an example of how she can never simply be nice. If something isn't perfect, she has to be nasty about it.

I would rather she was thoughtful, kind, interesting and dropped the "look at me" facade. That doesn't add up to being a boring little mouse. It adds up to her being enjoyable company and a decent person.

The other day she told me that if I ever did something 'naughty' (drinking too much, smoking, drugs, illicit sex) that she would feel duty bound to tell my parents as "the truth is more important than friendships". WTF? She is a crazy, moralizing Jesus freak. I can't stand her and I only see her once every 6 months or so.

If you only see her every six months or so, why worry about it?

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

Because I always see her with friends, and she makes the room turn to ice when she walks in? People have been known to leave early because of the atmosphere she has created.

Why do you assume I'm a Tory, 3232? And why do you assume that being a Tory, if I am, is of itself such a terrible thing? You have no idea about what I am like as a person, a friend or a companion, and you have no idea about my personal beliefs and values. Being a "Tory" doesn't sum everything up you know.

Reply 6

Cushti

10

Anonymous

The other day she told me that if I ever did something 'naughty' (drinking too much, smoking, drugs, illicit sex) that she would feel duty bound to tell my parents as "the truth is more important than friendships". WTF? She is a crazy, moralizing Jesus freak. I can't stand her and I only see her once every 6 months or so.

Ok, that would really, really piss me off too. Yeah, you're clearly not on the same level so... just let the relationship fizzle out, I say.

Also... she calls you right wing because you DON'T support TB? Someone has a lot to learn about politics, apparently.

Reply 7

Kater Murr

20

Well, I've got to agree, by the sounds of it she'd piss me off too; people shouldn't get so irritated by things.

If I were you, just wait till she does something equally irritating again, and let it out. Tell HER to stop being so goddamn irritating.

LMAO I'm irritated just reading that post.

Irritation, gah. Doesn't it just irritate you?

Reply 8

cpj1987

15

Anonymous

Because I always see her with friends, and she makes the room turn to ice when she walks in? People have been known to leave early because of the atmosphere she has created.

For once every six months though, just deal with it, it's no big deal.

Reply 9

generalebriety

16

Think you're both being a bit pathetic. She's an impossibly difficult to please, arrogant, stuck up control-freak bitch... but you seem an irritable, reactionary, infuriatingly sensitive optimist. Put simply, you're always gonna annoy the **** out of each other, because you're polar opposites and you're both very stubborn about it.

Why did she have to like the cake? Why can she not get involved in moral debates? Why is she not allowed to have her own (arguably stupid) ethical values? You seem just as controlling as she does, in some ways.

Reply 10

pikaboo

13

Have you ever tried telling her that she's rubbing you up the wrong way? She might be completely clueless as to how much offense she's causing. Either way it sounds like you don't owe her any loyalty so you're entitled to just not have anything to do with her again, but the decent thing to do is at least to tell her why you want to do this.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

OP

cpj1987

For once every six months though, just deal with it, it's no big deal.

Unfortunately, due to university, this is usualy the only time I see my other friends as well . . . so maybe I should just see the others more and save her for group meetings.

Think you're both being a bit pathetic. She's an impossibly difficult to please, arrogant, stuck up control-freak bitch... but you seem an irritable, reactionary, infuriatingly sensitive optimist. Put simply, you're always gonna annoy the **** out of each other, because you're polar opposites and you're both very stubborn about it.

Why did she have to like the cake? Why can she not get involved in moral debates? Why is she not allowed to have her own (arguably stupid) ethical values? You seem just as controlling as she does, in some ways.

Man, I'm a total pessimist who thinks most humans are a waste of space. So she must be really bad to piss me off.

She didn't have to like the cake. But she didn't have to be rude either. She doesn't have to act as though the cakes are filled with toxic maggots. She could just say "chocolate cake isn't really my thing". She is allowed to have her own opinions, but she shouldn't be really nasty about everyone else's. I resent being compared to a Nazi simply because I don't believe that mass murderers should be given community service and sent to re-hab.

etc.

Reply 12

khil

15

Anonymous

Because I always see her with friends, and she makes the room turn to ice when she walks in? People have been known to leave early because of the atmosphere she has created.

Why do you assume I'm a Tory, 3232? And why do you assume that being a Tory, if I am, is of itself such a terrible thing? You have no idea about what I am like as a person, a friend or a companion, and you have no idea about my personal beliefs and values. Being a "Tory" doesn't sum everything up you know.

Shhh you might be being a little sensitive here.

Anyway, the thing is, give the girl a chance. Do you know her deeply? Have you talked to her and given her a chance? I might be being a little tolerant towards your friend here, but it's cus well, bad though it sounds, I was kind of like that myself when I was 14-16. I wasn't as bad as your friend but I can certainly relate. In the end, I see it as a sign of immaturity and really, a sign of a lack of life experiences. You're not as judgemental if you've been through life's struggles and you understand why people do what they do. To say something is wrong is quite different to condeming and judging. I mean, I don't agree with homosexuality and one of my close friends is bi, another best friend's experimented, and I'm very much looking forward to getting to know someone who's coming to my uni this Sep and he's gay and of what I know of him, he's absolutely lovely :smile:

I still think it's a pity he's gay though cus he's rather cute! :p:

In any case, give this girl a chance. People can change. I certainly have, but sometimes people who know you as a teen don't ever let you have a fresh start. The other day one of my aquaintances had the guts to bring up what I was like some 4 years ago - I'm not allowed to be a different person. It's not fair.

Alternatively, if you've tried and find that you really can't get along with this girl - then let the friendship fizzle out. I've long decided that, while everyone I know, fortunately, are incredibly lovely and giving people, I can't get along with everyone, and if one of them is causing me so much grief that I'm constantly worried about their friendship and I'm crying at nights because of them, then however nice a person they are, they're not good for me. And if they're unhealthy for me, then I shouldn't be friends with them. It's nothing against them, but I need to look after myself too.

Reply 13

PhilMc

16

Get rid.

Reply 14

vinny221

11

Sack the slime ball!

vin
x

Reply 15

Tyler Durden

17

Anonymous

Not only that, be she managed to deeply insult me choice of dessert when I was doing a fancy dinner

It really annoys me when people bring up starving African kids in an attempt to put more mundane issues into perspective.

Having said that...

There are children starving to death in Africa.

Reply 16

Mr. Mortell

11

Punch her in the face, see how it turns out. :smile:

Reply 17

generalebriety

16

Anonymous

Man, I'm a total pessimist who thinks most humans are a waste of space. So she must be really bad to piss me off.

She didn't have to like the cake. But she didn't have to be rude either. She doesn't have to act as though the cakes are filled with toxic maggots. She could just say "chocolate cake isn't really my thing". She is allowed to have her own opinions, but she shouldn't be really nasty about everyone else's. I resent being compared to a Nazi simply because I don't believe that mass murderers should be given community service and sent to re-hab.

I'm beginning to see why you get so fired up over her moral arguments now. :rolleyes:

I still reckon you're both at fault. The others seem to have little problem with her, it's just you, and the more you get annoyed at her, the more you'll act 'off' with her, the more she'll get annoyed at you, etc. Maybe she just thinks she doesn't have to be especially ridiculously polite in front of her friends, whereas you seem to take offence to her strongly disliking chocolate cake as if that chocolate cake was your baby. She doesn't like cake. So don't give her any. Problem solved; you didn't sit there for 6 years making the cake, she didn't insult your family for buying the cake, it's a ****ing cake.

I'm quite sure you're taking her reactions too seriously. Even if she is being annoying.

Reply 18

Rutter knows best!

12

Mr Mortell

Punch her in the face, see how it turns out. :smile:

i second that notion.

Reply 19

Apricot Fairy

16

There will be times in life when all your friends like someone you hate. If everyone's meeting up together and she's there, you have to put up with her to a certain extent, but if she pisses you off, you don't have to take it lying down either. A simple, "You really are very rude, aren't you?" or "Mind your own business" or "I didn't ask for your opinion, thanks very much" will suffice. If she's shocked into embarrassed silence, so much the better. If not and she wants to make an issue of it, don't lose your temper, just tell her exactly why she's pissed you off (on that particular occasion - don't bring up a whole list of grievances) and ask her not to do it again.

Do not, under any circumstances, feel obliged to buy her cards or presents or include her in your plans. If other people ask why she isn't invited to something you've arranged, just say, "Actually, I don't like her very much" and leave it at that. You can make sure people get the message loud and clear without having to make a massive deal of it.

Can you just "ditch" a friend?

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