The Student Room Group

Nervous about starting uni

Im a guy by the way, not that it matters much. Its not the academic stuff thats getting me anxious, more the socialising and making new friends. Ive always been a shy person, and dont find it easy talking to people i dont really know. But when i do make friends (which i might add, usually takes me longer than ost others) i form very strong friendships. Im not nervous about leaving home or anything, im just strangely anxious about making the right impression to people, breaking down my shyness to actually speak to others.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Does anyone have any advice on how i can change this?

I like to think i dont have an anxiety disorder, im just really really shy. Paranoid about what people could be thinking about me (im probably exxaggerating a little). I start uni in october, so i have over a month to change! Your help would seriously be appreciated!

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Just remember that everyone is in the same boat, everyone's wanting to chat to people and make friends, no one really judges you during those first few weeks... and you will meet a hell of a lot of people during your first month - people you live with/next to/on your course etc etc... I think unless you go out being nasty to people then its pretty much impossible not to make friends :smile:
Reply 2
The only way you'll be able to change is by telling yourself that you can, and by going out and really trying. Put yourself into situations that make you nervous and uncomfortable, or force yourself to talk to people, and eventually you'll lose that shyness.
If talking to people is still too difficult for you, go for walks in public places on your own just to build up your confidence first.
You can change, as long as you've got the right mindset to. :smile:
I managed. I used to be exactly the same due to various different things, but I told myself I was going to change and I did, by forcing myself to.

If you want to chat more and don't mind giving your identity away, send me a PM :smile:
Also, another thing... during freshers week you'll probably be out drinking alot so that should make you feel a little more at ease about talking to people!
s_qween
Hey I'm really nervous too. I'm in quite a close knit group of friends at sixth form (we talk to each other and really know each other) mixed with boys and girls. We all really mix well with other "groups" in our year. But when we go off to uni, half of them are going to London and others are going to other places. The problem is everyone is going somewhere where there is at least another person from our group there. But I'm going to Newcastle without anyone else, and its an unbelievably lonely feeling, because no-one else is really in the same boat, if anything goes wrong they've got someone there for them.
I've always been a shy person, even from a young age, and was really nervous about going away to uni, as I've got an older sister and never had to go through all the nervousness at new schools etc without her being there too. But she told me that when she went to uni she met so many people in freshers week, but she only talks to a few now. So I guess what she was trying to say is that people will try and talk to you too, just because they feel the same way (she met the first person in the queue for the toilet). So don't worry about it, because I'm sure someone will start talking to you too, just be yourself and be happy!


your actually quite lucky to be going on your own... it can be quite easy to just hang around with someone you already know, and then that stops you from making as many friends as you normally would, as you would just stay with the person/people you already feel comfortable with
Reply 5
Try not to fall in to that trap of thinking that you MUST make loads of friends right away...when i started at uni everyone else seemed to form close bonds with flatmates etc during freshers week, I didnt and felt like i was a total social failure. But although it took me longer i made friends in the end by joining societies and forcing myself to be social even if i didnt feel like it! There are so many different people out there that you will find friends that you really click with, just try not to be too desperate or too hard on yourself.
Reply 6
Thanks very much to all of you. I think i was in that very trap orbelina was talking about lol - but of course the shyness plays a big part too. As well as not expecting so much, i agree with the suggestion i need to get myself out there more. Im not totally sure how i would go about this though. Hopefully i'll beat it though!
Reply 7
Anonymous
Thanks very much to all of you. I think i was in that very trap orbelina was talking about lol - but of course the shyness plays a big part too. As well as not expecting so much, i agree with the suggestion i need to get myself out there more. Im not totally sure how i would go about this though. Hopefully i'll beat it though!


The advice given is good if you want to be proactive about this... I was in kind of the same boat when I started uni, not necessarily confident, not hugely shy, but very very quiet, and worried about making friends. I didn't feel like I needed to change anything because I has a solid group of friends from college though...and wasn't staying at halls for uni, so knew I wouldn't feel left out (but at the same time thought that would make me left out lol!)

Anyway, I wont lie, I came home from uni on the first day and swore I'd never go back:tongue: But I did, met a great group of people on my course who I hadn't seen the first day, who were completely accepting of me and everyone...

It's probably not the nicest thing to say but everyone is overly friendly and false to start off with, which ends up getting irritating, but is it really helpful to get to know everyone! and trust me, but the end of the first term, you won't be worrying about having any friends, and from my experience, you'll also not be worrying about shyness anymore:tongue: Uni has the tendency to turn people into social butterflies from my experience :biggrin:

And to the poster who is worried about not going to the same place as their friends, you are so lucky...the same thing happened to me, and my college friends now only have eachother, and I have them plus a great group of uni friends... see it as a good thing, you can completely change who people think you are, I was determined to beat the fact that everyone thought i was 'quiet' and I wouldn't have been able to had I gone someone where that was attached to me by other people from college!
Reply 8
If you could get a job in the meantime before you go away it would help. Having to chat to customers on tills or whatever helps you develop chatting ability. It might be hard to get thing at this time though.
ooo and to add to my last post.. in the end you just have to take a deep breath and go for it when it comes to talking to people, your going to have to learn to chat to people anyway when it comes to doing uni work.. on alot of courses you have to do group work so you'll have to speak to people to get your work done!.. and yea uni does have the ability to bring people out of their shells, I wasnt the loudest person in the world but within a few hours of being at uni I was chatting away to people I never met like they were old friends! And remember that ALOT of confident people are just putting on a front and arent actually that confident! :smile:
I know how both of you feel. I had a really tight knit close of friends in high school but when I went to college my best friend didn't go with me and it turned out I didn't have much in common with the rest of the group.
I tried to hang out with them in college but it wasn't working and even though I had made other friends in my lessons I didn't feel that I could go and sit with them at lunch etc.

I also have a twin sister who I'm really close to but as I've grown up I realised
I didn't class myself as an individual person even though my mum brought us up to be individuals. I didn't really know who I was which made it hard to make new friends. I spent the rest of the year unable to make any new friends.
But then last summer I was chosen to go on an expedition to Iceland with people I have never met before. I did it and it completely changed me. I had worked to raise the money to go all by myself and my sister wasn't there so I only had my personality to get me through. It may sound ever so cliche but it really helped to find out who I am and what I can do.
I've completely detatched myself from my old group of friends who kept their old preconception of me and now have the best friends I could ever wish for.

What I'm trying to say is that it's going to be that same situation in uni and it's scary to think about it but it's the biggest confidence boost when you find people want to talk to you becuase they like who you are. So dont worry about leaving your old friends or socialising becuase everyone I know who's been put in that situation has come out feeling great!

sorry for rambling on, hope this helps you and good luck at uni!
I am very nervous.

I am worried that the fact that I have less stamina than most people my age [and I drink far less] is going to mean I'm a loner.
Reply 12
Its an oppurtunity mate. It is a matter of you forcing yourself into social situations and forcing yourself to interact. You have stuff to say, its as important as what everybody else has to say. The self-conscious you're feeling won't go straight away, but it will definitely fade over time. You aren't happy with things now, its forcing a change, or you might end up still feeling the same in two years time or whatever
Dont worry about this, youve plenty of time to prepare yourself. When you get there should be the easiest time to meet people and make friends you're likely to find, because everyone wants to find new friends and get to know people. Read up on social anxiety, because a lot of the advice can be taken with extreme shyness as well. Firstly, you need to accept that there will be times when you say things wrong, or cant think of anything to say, but dont let this knock your confidence. When people are faced with similar social situations to when its not gone right, or a time they were critisied or somthing that image comes into their head everytime the social situation comes up, you go into defence mode and hide away, or blush. Its a case of breaking the cycle, as the defence mechanisms will make the situation worse. Put yourself into more social situations where you may feel self concious or nervous. The more you do this, the less scary it will be. Note to yourself your successes. When you got talking to someone new, or overcome something that before was difficult. To overcome the self conciousness, paranoia you need to stop focusing on yourself. Socially anxious people often only think of themselves in social situations, ie i'm going red, its gone quiet, what do i say, everyones looking at me, how do i get out of this. Forget all that, and focus only on who you are talking to, or what you are involved in. Keep more in touch with what they are saying to you, whats going on around you. You probably have assumptions at the moment of how people see you, which is in fact just how you see yourself. Theres too much to fit in here, but if any of this made sense, i suggest reading some decent books on social anxiety and shyness, with overcoming confidence issues.
Reply 14
I'm nervous about starting university too. Like you, I'm shy and sometimes I get a bit anxious in social situations. I'll reiterate what the above posters have said by saying that university is an opportunity to re-invent yourself. That's what I will try to do. It can be difficult but it's important to force yourself to get past this mental barrier. It's just one step at a time - and keep on stepping! :hugs: It's related to self-perception. You say that you form strong friendships; therefore you must be a good person to be around :smile: Having a few close friends is better than having people you'd merely see as an acquaintance. I know someone who is completely relaxed in social situations and appears to get on with everyone she meets but then she may have fewer close friends and more acquaintances. So it may be a false comparison - eep! I hope that makes sense somehow :redface: There will be others who are the same. I worry about others' perceptions of me and I'm perhaps a bit paranoid about it - I tend to believe that people are thinking bad things about me when they're not :rolleyes: The university experience will empower you. I reckon I'll be much more confident after university than I am at the moment :smile:
Reply 15
i agree with the other posters that its ok once ur there. i'm an international student from a country most ppl have never heard of, n two ppl from the country were coming to my uni that year. of course, different schools, n i only knew one of them slightly, n we were not on same course, nor were our halls near each other.

english wasnt my 1st language either, so that didnt help nerves. yet i met so many ppl that my head spun from remembering names. everyone was equally nervous, n it took me a lot of courage to keep asking ppl their names n answering questions. i'm a shy person, so i was so scared of bothering ppl, but i realise now we were all worried abt not making friends. after a year, i barely speak to the ppl i met in the 1st two days, n have formed a clique of friends in my course...

looking back, i am glad i was alone. i really made an effort to b more open, against my nature, n its made me more confident. its also a matter of having to fend for urself, it really makes u take charge of urself n ur life...

to the poster who was worried abt drinking, i only drink very little myself, n it didnt cause a problem. i was a bit worried at the 1st few fresher events when some were drinking loads but there will be ppl who will not drink, there will b those who never exceed a pint, there will be the heavy drinkers, but it doesnt have that big an impact on ur initial friendships. eventually u might find u naturally drift towards the ppl who drink around the same level as u, as it does give u something in common in uni events... but its all up to u

basically, just be really open n force urself to keep asking ppl their names n probably wht course they r on. eventually u will click with someone n the conversation will move on... perhaps it will block after another 10 min, but keep on trying, trust me, it works :smile:

good luck n make the most of it... xx
I too am very shy in person. I find it hard to talk to people, not because I am afraid of them judging me but just because it takes me awhile to build up the courage. It sometimes takes me a long time to even post on here! I take medicine for anxiety too, nevertheless I do have friends and do socialise just like everyone else.

None of my friends are coming to my uni, although there are a couple of people I know of going to the same place. I am not a heavy drinker and I don't enjoy clubbing that much either so at first I was convinced I would be labled a social reject. Now I just don't mind because I suppose there will be people just like me going and there is no point rushing in and trying to make friends with every single person I see.

I've heard that it is a good idea to take a big bag of sweets or a box of chocs. A sure way to make a few friends :smile:

Perhaps we should start a 'Nervous People' society for those about to go away to uni? (Unless there already is one :redface: )
Now I'm a bit odd because whilst I am very very shy, I also have a very odd and twisted sense of humour, and deadpan delivery. This often makes people think I'm weird, I'm probably more worried about that than anything! I can force myself to talk, but to not be weird is even harder.

A society eh? But surely we would be too shy to speak?
Originally posted by ScarecrowJack
A society eh? But surely we would be too shy to speak?


Not to each other :smile:
Snow Witch
Not to each other :smile:


:eek: Someone just spoke to me *runs and hides*


Perhaps you may be right. Plus this Scarecrow man persona gives an extra buffer of confidence. I'm in!