Derealization diagnosed as anxiety? Or am I mad or dead?
Hi everyone,
I'm posting on here because things are getting a bit desparate for me. I've suffered from a mysterious mental/physical illness fo the entire of 2016, and was looking for some advice on where to turn, or what it could be.
Basically I think I'm going crazy or I'm dead and I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel so dizzy and tired all the time and everything looks flat and the lights always look too bright and paper always looks too white. I struggle so much in lectures, everything just looks so bright and white and I can't focus. Looking straight ahead and concentrating on something makes it so much worse, and I feel like my sense of sight doesn't connect with my other sense. I sit in lectures panicking that I'm going to faint and I don't know why. It's affecting my studies, because I can't concentrate at all at uni and it makes me not confident enough to contribute any answers or participate.
When I think about this I start to panic and get the classic symptoms of a panic attack, and when this has happened before I have panicked so much that I've had bad heart palpitations had to leave lectures (this happened three times), as well as having to leave social situations. To stop myself from panicking I always have to sit there fiddling, checking my phone or pinching myself, because they distract me from panicking, but it means people think I'm rude, and it stops me from wanting to socialise and initiate conversations with people. It's also affecting my social life too, I don't enjoy meeting up with people anymore because I just sit there panicking and feeling awful and light-headed all the time, and I feel like this when I'm sat in my room by myself too. Sometimes I feel like the world is moving and everything is spinning and I just can't fathom what's happening. A lot of the symptoms are very similar to panic attacks and anxiety, however I don't feel like there was ever anything to actually trigger feeling anxious. I just feel like I'm in a dream or a trance all the time. I used to only feel like this when I was really tired, but now it happens all the time. I feel like I'm just looking at the world through a screen, that's the best way to describe it, my sense of perception is gone. The only answers I can think of are that I'm dead, going crazy or in a coma. I just don't feel real or alive at all anymore, and I panic so much when I think about it. Considering I can hardly make it through a lecture, social meeting or shift at work without feeling like this, I just can't see myself having a happy future or being responsible enough to raise a family or have a full-time job.
I eat healthily and exercise, I'm not overly stressed, I usually get 6-10 hours sleep a night, so I can't think what's caused this. I used to only feel like this when I was hungover or incredibly tired, but I've been feeling like this since Christmas, and it's progressively been getting worse. I now feel like this all the time, from the minute I wake up.
All I can think is that I banged my head in November or December, hard enough to make a dent in the wall, and I was wondering whether maybe this has caused it.
I just don't feel like I'm alive, that's the main thing, I feel like I'm dead or in a dream. The more I think about this, the more I panic, and that's when I get the physical symptoms, but it's just at that stage where it happens 24/7 from as soon as I wake up in the morning, and I can barely even manage going to Tesco, I panic and feel like I'm dead no matter what I do.
I really want to do well at uni, I enjoy my subject and like attending lectures, but because I panic so much in them I can't concentrate and it just makes them a massive struggle. The same with social situations, I am just gradually withdrawing into myself. It feels like this all the time, and really isn't due to stress because I was so much more stressed in school, and also I still feel "dead" etc during the holidays. I just want to enjoy my life again, because at the moment I'm not really living. I miss out on social occasions, I ruined my summer holiday because I felt awful the whole time, and I live in fear of leaving the house or even talking to my housemates in the lounge because I know I will feel like this.
I went to see the doctor about it in January, as these strange feelings made me struggle to concentrate during my exams (especially the big, bright-white room), however he focused only on the palpitiations, and these only happen when I think about feeling dead/in a coma and have a panic attack, rather than the underlying cause of me feeling like this. My blood test and ECG came back clear.
A month or so again I emailed the Samaritans about this, because during the summer holidays I just about managed to cope, as if I was feeling panicky I could just go to the toilet and wash my hands and calm down, or go home, or find some way to distract myself, but being back at uni I have lectures to attend and can't just keep walking out of them when I feel like this (which is all the time anyway). However, it was just very generic info I got from them, as they can't give advice but can only support, so it didn't really help, and they didn't suggest anywhere else I could go to for help.
I went to see a therapist about it yesterday through the Uni Student Welfare Service, because I could just see no other way to help me, I hate my life and am stuck in a rut. After waiting a month to finally get an appointment, she focused on anxiety throughout the session, and said it sounded like panic attacks that were probably caused by stress (even though I said that I'm hardly stresses at all, I was a lot more stressed in Sixth Form from personal issues) and 'adjusting to the changes of uni', even though I've been here more than a year and love uni life. I've been offered up to six sessions of therapy to 'combat the stress' and the causes of it, and to learn how to cope with a panic attack, however this also isn't addressing the root of the problem - why I panic in the first place.
Summary
Sorry about the super long message, but I'm just so scared right now. I feel like it's just getting worse and worse. I don't know what it is or where I could do. Any advice at all that you could give would be of incredible help, because I'm getting desparate. I can't live my life like this, and I keep getting bad (albeit fleeting) thoughts of quitting uni, because my quality of life is so poor at the moment.
Thank you in advance
Peaaceandl0ve
I'm posting on here because things are getting a bit desparate for me. I've suffered from a mysterious mental/physical illness fo the entire of 2016, and was looking for some advice on where to turn, or what it could be.
Basically I think I'm going crazy or I'm dead and I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel so dizzy and tired all the time and everything looks flat and the lights always look too bright and paper always looks too white. I struggle so much in lectures, everything just looks so bright and white and I can't focus. Looking straight ahead and concentrating on something makes it so much worse, and I feel like my sense of sight doesn't connect with my other sense. I sit in lectures panicking that I'm going to faint and I don't know why. It's affecting my studies, because I can't concentrate at all at uni and it makes me not confident enough to contribute any answers or participate.
When I think about this I start to panic and get the classic symptoms of a panic attack, and when this has happened before I have panicked so much that I've had bad heart palpitations had to leave lectures (this happened three times), as well as having to leave social situations. To stop myself from panicking I always have to sit there fiddling, checking my phone or pinching myself, because they distract me from panicking, but it means people think I'm rude, and it stops me from wanting to socialise and initiate conversations with people. It's also affecting my social life too, I don't enjoy meeting up with people anymore because I just sit there panicking and feeling awful and light-headed all the time, and I feel like this when I'm sat in my room by myself too. Sometimes I feel like the world is moving and everything is spinning and I just can't fathom what's happening. A lot of the symptoms are very similar to panic attacks and anxiety, however I don't feel like there was ever anything to actually trigger feeling anxious. I just feel like I'm in a dream or a trance all the time. I used to only feel like this when I was really tired, but now it happens all the time. I feel like I'm just looking at the world through a screen, that's the best way to describe it, my sense of perception is gone. The only answers I can think of are that I'm dead, going crazy or in a coma. I just don't feel real or alive at all anymore, and I panic so much when I think about it. Considering I can hardly make it through a lecture, social meeting or shift at work without feeling like this, I just can't see myself having a happy future or being responsible enough to raise a family or have a full-time job.
I eat healthily and exercise, I'm not overly stressed, I usually get 6-10 hours sleep a night, so I can't think what's caused this. I used to only feel like this when I was hungover or incredibly tired, but I've been feeling like this since Christmas, and it's progressively been getting worse. I now feel like this all the time, from the minute I wake up.
All I can think is that I banged my head in November or December, hard enough to make a dent in the wall, and I was wondering whether maybe this has caused it.
I just don't feel like I'm alive, that's the main thing, I feel like I'm dead or in a dream. The more I think about this, the more I panic, and that's when I get the physical symptoms, but it's just at that stage where it happens 24/7 from as soon as I wake up in the morning, and I can barely even manage going to Tesco, I panic and feel like I'm dead no matter what I do.
I really want to do well at uni, I enjoy my subject and like attending lectures, but because I panic so much in them I can't concentrate and it just makes them a massive struggle. The same with social situations, I am just gradually withdrawing into myself. It feels like this all the time, and really isn't due to stress because I was so much more stressed in school, and also I still feel "dead" etc during the holidays. I just want to enjoy my life again, because at the moment I'm not really living. I miss out on social occasions, I ruined my summer holiday because I felt awful the whole time, and I live in fear of leaving the house or even talking to my housemates in the lounge because I know I will feel like this.
I went to see the doctor about it in January, as these strange feelings made me struggle to concentrate during my exams (especially the big, bright-white room), however he focused only on the palpitiations, and these only happen when I think about feeling dead/in a coma and have a panic attack, rather than the underlying cause of me feeling like this. My blood test and ECG came back clear.
A month or so again I emailed the Samaritans about this, because during the summer holidays I just about managed to cope, as if I was feeling panicky I could just go to the toilet and wash my hands and calm down, or go home, or find some way to distract myself, but being back at uni I have lectures to attend and can't just keep walking out of them when I feel like this (which is all the time anyway). However, it was just very generic info I got from them, as they can't give advice but can only support, so it didn't really help, and they didn't suggest anywhere else I could go to for help.
I went to see a therapist about it yesterday through the Uni Student Welfare Service, because I could just see no other way to help me, I hate my life and am stuck in a rut. After waiting a month to finally get an appointment, she focused on anxiety throughout the session, and said it sounded like panic attacks that were probably caused by stress (even though I said that I'm hardly stresses at all, I was a lot more stressed in Sixth Form from personal issues) and 'adjusting to the changes of uni', even though I've been here more than a year and love uni life. I've been offered up to six sessions of therapy to 'combat the stress' and the causes of it, and to learn how to cope with a panic attack, however this also isn't addressing the root of the problem - why I panic in the first place.
Summary
•
I feel like the world is flat, like I'm looking at it through a screen or in a dream, like my sense of perceptive is wrong
•
It used to only happen when hungover or tired, now I feel this way all the time
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My only options are that I'm dead, in a coma or just going mad
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If I think about it a lot I get panic attacks, and it's affecting my social life & academic performance
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I'm so miserable and fed up, I struggle to make it through a trip to Tesco because all I think on the way there is, 'Why does the world look so flat, why are the lights so bright, am I dead/in a dream' etc. I have my year abroad next year and I'm utterly terrified because I can't make it through a work placement there feeling like this, having to leave and just text/pinch myself/drink water all the time to distract myself from this feeling
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Don't know where else I can go for help
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Is it mental or physical?
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Sounds like derealisation, yet the therapist thinks it's anxiety caused by stress (but legit I'm not stressed at all)
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I just want to feel normal again and enjoy life again
Sorry about the super long message, but I'm just so scared right now. I feel like it's just getting worse and worse. I don't know what it is or where I could do. Any advice at all that you could give would be of incredible help, because I'm getting desparate. I can't live my life like this, and I keep getting bad (albeit fleeting) thoughts of quitting uni, because my quality of life is so poor at the moment.
Thank you in advance
Peaaceandl0ve
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by peaaceandl0ve
x
Hey, sorry for such a late reply- this has only just been moved back onto the forum I think. Really sorry you've had such a tough year too, it sounds horrible. I obviously can't diagnose you but it seems to me that this could be split into three rough areas; depression-like symptoms, anxiety symptoms and derealisation. Not enjoying things any more, lack of motivation and wanting to avoid people are classic depression symptoms, this could be as a result of the other things going on or it could be something unrelated. Anxiety you're a bit different to a lot of people in that the anxiety is related to your condition but definitely not alone in it! Derealisation you know about, I can't even imagine what it must be like to have it that badly the whole time- it's scary enough when I've had it in tiny amounts along with dissociation.
In terms of advice, by far the best thing you can do is to go and see your GP. Print off this post or write a different list and hand it to them so you don't forget anything and they can see how much it's all affecting you. There's loads of things they can do from medication to different types of therapy or counselling but it definitely seems like you need some kind of support. These symptoms are having a huge impact on your everyday life and you can't deal with them on your own. You're always welcome to PM me too if you want someone to talk to, no pressure either way though. Hope things improve for you a bit soon
There's a youtuber called Dodie who made a video about something that sounds (potentially) similar. It's called 'depression, anxiety, depersonalisation' and the account is doddlevloggle. It may be entirely irrelevant but some of the things you wrote reminded me of this video xxx
