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Advice needed, broken heart, confusion etc.

um, CN for sexual assault and mental illness

I wouldn't normally go to TSR for relationship advice but it's anonymous and that's what matters.

Myself and someone, who we'll call M, have been dating since early May. They study here in the UK but their family lives abroad so that's where they go in the holidays. We really hit it off immediately, talked for ages, and before we knew it we were falling in love with each other. I was their first proper boyfriend and things felt really safe and really stable, especially considering I'd come out of a very messed up relationship in March, and had recently gone sober after a very serious alcohol problem. We hung out loads and did all that cute couple-y stuff. Everything was rosy.

Summer comes and they leave to go and see their family for three months. I come and visit in July for a week (where we literally lived together in constant company for a week solid), but then it's a mammoth two-and-a-bit month wait for them to return. We talk constantly, skype loads and tell each other we'll spend the rest of our lives together, that this is the longest we'll ever be apart. We cry when I leave to go home.

As the summer progresses and August comes, my mental health, which had never been fantastic, starts to worsen. By late August I'm drinking heavily again, and I sleep a couple of nights rough. I'm going out and I'm trying to get messed up. I start to feel numb and that only makes things worse. September comes and before I know it, there's a party at my place with a couple of friends and their friends, and I'm in my room. I'm drunk, and high. Someone, not M, is giving me head.

As soon as I realised what was going on, I told them to stop. Like, 'Stop, I have a partner', and they did. The only issue is that I had no real idea of what was going on until I told them to stop, I never asked them to do anything to me (as far as I know) and crucially - I feel I was wayyyy too drunk to consent, and had I been sober, I would not have consented.

My partner arrives back in the UK a week later. I chose not to tell them immediately over the phone when that party happened, and instead took them to a cafe, sat them down and told them there. Thing is, being kinda ashamed of what had happened to me (especially with not wanting to tell my friends that i was drinking again), I told M that I cheated. Not that something happened to me non-consensually, but that I had been drunk and had cheated. I had said to M 'I forgot that you existed.' M said later that day that they wanted to try and stick together, but they were obviously quite shaken by this (ever-so-slightly untruthful) news.

Through September and early October things are going okay-ish. We have our moments where M gets very upset and anxious but on the whole, it's alright. My mental health hasn't improved though so I go and get a prescription for anti-depressants. The first week after I start is okay, but the second is rocky, and I end up drinking again. I phone M, telling them what I've done, and they tell me to come over. I end up in their bed, with their flatmates in the room, crying, saying that if M isn't in my life I'll kill myself and that I didn't think I could 'make it to Christmas'. An ambulance is called, but I end up calming down and getting home okay. Before I leave, I tell M that we've broken up. They say 'I know'.

This was mid-October, and since then, we've been talking non-stop. There was a moment at the start when I had made out with a couple of other people but it didn't have much of an impact. Our conversations vary wildly, from saying that we'll marry each other one day, to saying that we might never get back together. The only thing certain is that we each want the other in our lives, but that our feelings for each other are confused. As far as I'm aware, we're in love with each other still, but we can't even see each other in person because of M's anxiety. Things vary from day-to-day.

Yesterday, I told M that I felt that what had happened in September had been non-consensual. They responded saying that that didn't correlate with what I had said in September, and that at some point I must not have been telling the truth. They said that it 'wasn't about me' and that it 'didn't matter because [they] were still hurt'. I told them that they were making light of a serious issue, and they later apologised.

I don't really know what this means for us though, or what I should do. At the end of the day, I wasn't able to tell them the truth about what happened in September at the time and that's really hurt us. What's also an issue is my depressive episode in October, which they said they still have flashbacks from now. I don't really know how to heal this, and I really want it to work. M says they need space but also says that they want me around.

We were really tight before the summer and over the summer. It wasn't even the rosy period of the beginnings of a relationship. It was on a whole new level. I just don't understand how we could go from literally a few days ago, when M told me that my mere presence made them anxious, to them saying yesterday, 'Love you' and 'I miss you'. Every time i'm near where they live M asks me to go to their window to wave hi. I don't feel like I'm being played because the summer proved that their feelings were genuine and we've been through so much. I just can't work out whether I should properly walk away or wait it out and slowly try and push ourselves back together. Whatever happens, they'll be away for three weeks this winter break, so we'll be apart then.

Sometimes I feel like I'm over them, that the effort isn't worth it and that I could just leave and find someone else who I can actually see. Yet then, sometimes (like tonight) I feel like I could never be with anyone else other than them. They themselves have said that they don't think they could date anyone else for a long while if we didn't get back together. I just don't know what's best for us.

So, TSR, what do I do? Do I walk away? Do I wait and hope that this relationship, or what's left of it, comes back to life and doesn't die a slow death? All I know is that I love M, and that they in some way love me. We're just both so confused.

Reply 1

Sager-Advice

I don't get what the problem is. Tell her to stop ****ing you about and just get back together or don't.

And stop getting off with other ****s and don't throw a ****ing party if you're a pisshead.

Reply 2

Mr Poo

Anyone want to be in my new movie?

Reply 3

shawn_o1

It's dead in the water. And someone is on the wrong end of the law.
Plus, use of the singular They obviously makes it difficult to interpret OP's story