Gf's mother problems

Hey all, don't really know what I'm looking for, guess reassurance more than anything, but here goes...

Background: We're both 20, and I've been going out with my gf for 1 year 5 months exactly. I love her to bits, and there is nothing that I would change about her, as she's basically everything I want in a gf, and can see my future with her. The problem is, her mother.

Mother/Daughter relationship: There relationship is a rocky one, in which when they have bad times they're really bad to the point where her mother kicks her out, or makes her live in fear of being so. On the other hand, when they're good, they're really good, however my gf ends up wanting to constantly make her mum proud of her, and ends up becoming her skivvy, to which she ends up turning to me to complain/cry about. I don't mean just helping out, I mean doing everything for her mum, such as cleaning the entire house, cooking meals, buying clothes etc., and when it's not done accordingly the arguments start. It's got to the point where my gf constantly lies to her mum, in order to enjoy herself, yet no matter how many options I give her, she still has a need to please.

The Problem: Another thing when they're good, is that my gf will talk extensively about our relationship to her mum, to which her mum ends up influencing my gf into taking drastic measures without even consulting me (one such time was persuading my gf she didnt actually want to live with me when she said she did), but it's the latest of which has broken the camels back for me. Basically what has happened is that, her mum and dad (who lives away after they divorced) have decided that after a year of my gf sleeping over at mine, they're not happy for her to do so because it's immoral. Without consulting me, my gf decided that we would try her stop coming over and basically I had no say in the matter. This is mixed in to a time when we're starting 2nd year of uni and we're used to the fact that we're not going to see each other at all during the days, so it limits us seeing each other to nil in my point of view. It's also came at a time when her mother invited me to join the family on holiday, however like a growing trend lately, we werent allowed to show any affection towards each other, to the point we were afraid to be in the same room as each other or even hold each others hand.

So what I'm basically asking is, am I right to stand my ground in believing that as 20 year olds she should be able to stay over whenever she wants, or am I being rediculous and should let her mother who I feel is to involved in our relationship, continue controlling my gf and now me?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

anyone been in this situation? just need to know how u dealt with it

Reply 2

*pink_sapphires*

I know how your girlfriend feels because my Mum and I have the same kind of relationship. In my case, it's a sort of fear of my mother which makes me do everything she says, when she says it. I'm 17 and not allowed to do half the things my friends are. On AS Results day, my Mum decided that during term time, she's taking my phone off me and blocking MSN on my laptop. Instead of me arguing with her, I just accepted it because my mother says she is older and wiser than me and she has to have her own way 100% of the time. Trust me, it drives me absolutely insane, but it's a very hard cycle to get out of because as soon as I rebel, it makes things a hell of a lot worse at home.

I know that probably doesn't help you at all, but it's the same kind of situation you're in with your gf. All I can say is stand by her, because she may feel weak and can't fight back. That's how I feel anyway.

oh...and also, be glad that her mum lets you go out with her....my mum recently told a guy that if he dared lay a finger on me, she'd kill him. i was NOT happy because I really liked this guy, and he really liked me, but she doesn't approve of guys taking an interest in me and vice versa so I'm not allowed a boyfriend! great!

Reply 3

Princesschickenbelly

I'm very sorry but I have to say that i'm so glad that you have a mum/mum-in-law (kinda) like that because I thought I was completely alone.

I had to move out when I was 17 because I couldn't take my mothers abuse anymore. She thought it was fun to mentaly torture me with her friends.

We had a friend of the family living with us who was 19 and I was 13/14 (but because I had been rising my mothers children since I was 7, I was the mental age of a 30 year old) and we liked each other and my mother seemed ok with it so we started seeing each other.

My mother then decided that she didn't approve and started saying that she had seen girls going into his flat. Sniggering with her friend when I ran round to his house to see if it was true.

I got so upset at my mothers dissaproval of the relationship that I ended it and low and behold she suddenly liked the guy again and was forever telling me how wonderful he was.

Shortly after, my grandad died and the family friend was very close to him. One day he was really upset and my mum actually told me to sit in his lap and cuddle him and so we started seeing each other again and.....wait for it........she suddenly hates him again.

She used to call me a whore if I went out to a party with friends and would throw newspapers at me telling me to look for a house when I said I wanted to move out in the heat of an argument and then tell me how thick I was thinking that I could afford such and such a house.

All I can say is get your girlfriend to see the light. Let her read this and see if any of it sounds familiar. But whatever you do get her out of that house and away from that woman. I speak from experience. She feels that she should love her mother because thats what we're meant to do but you can love and not like someone at the same time.

Once she leaves she will feel so much better. Believe me.

Reply 4

Princesschickenbelly

And if you need anymore help, I have a million twisted tales just like the ones above. Maybe one of them will ring true with your girlfriend and she'll understand how she has to leave.