The Student Room Group

I feel grotesque

I've always been self-conscious. I think most people are and most people aren't happy wth their appearance anyway.

However, for the past two years, my repulsion with my physical self has been seriously affecting my life. I know I'm not the ugliest person in the world, but I know I am ugly. I mostly stay in my room because I don't want to be around people; they're just going to be disgusted by my appearance.

I don't feel comfortable going out in public unless I've spent around 2 hours on my hair and makeup, trying to conceal my ugliness and "fooling" everyone. It's now becoming too exhausting going through that ritual. I barely leave my room nowadays.

I can spend a lot of time looking at mirrors and picking at my skin. Reflective surfaces in public places are the bane of my life. And there are other times I avoid mirrors because I don't want to see how grotesque I look. Recently, I have been completely avoiding looking at myself.

I now isolate myself for long periods and haven't properly seen a friend for the past 6 weeks. My depression is getting really bad. I used to be a straight A student and too of the class. I barely attend lectures or even look at my reading list anymore.

This year alone I've spent just under £2000 on facial fillers. I have, to my dismay, been turned away by numerous doctors. I thought cosmetic work would make me feel better. It doesn't. I'm considering going under more invasive procedures. Something as minor as filler won't cut it.

I saw a psychiatrist at the start of the year, as part of a home crisis team. I was planning on killing myself (depressed for a while, and long history of sexual and physical abuse). He noticed at one appointment I was trying to cover myself up, and asked if I felt self-conscious. I don't think he ever took my worries seriously. In our first appointment, one of the first things told me he thought I was "beautiful". He said similar hyperbolic things at every other appointment. I presume the reason for his flawed view is because most of his other patients are deshiveled middle aged drug users, and my makeup skills are really good at hiding my true ugliness. There were a few occasions I stopped turning up to appointments because I felt so disgusting that no amount of makeup could hide, but my psychiatrist never understood and threatened to section me if I didn't show.

Also at the beginning of my new therapy, I mentioned my issues with my body and face. My therapist recommend a book and we have never talked about it since. Either she thinks I am ugly, which I fully accept, and there's nothing that can be done about that- save for surgical cosmetic work. Or perhaps my therapist thinks I am being superficial etc and thus not worth dealing with.

I haven't told my GP my problems with my appearance because I know he won't take it seriously (although I do see him for my depression). Why would he take such a petty thing seriously when he sees patients who have terminal physical illnesses?

Any advice? I don't want to be tormented by this anymore :frown:.
My usual trick when I'm feeling ugly, is to own the ugliness and fake it til you make it..

I could tell you that many people perceive themselves uglier than they are. We are all too harsh on ourselves. I can bet you aren't ugly and that this is just an image of yourself you have in your head. But to deal and fix that, we look to see what exactly you find ugly about yourself and will take action on improving that. Psychologically this should help. So identify what you find ugly?

Remember that personality out trumps looks.
Reply 2
Thanks for your help but none of what you said was helpful in the slightest unfortunately.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for your help but none of what you said was helpful in the slightest unfortunately.


So how about telling me what you find ugly then?
Reply 4
Features are asymmetrical and disproportionate. I could also lose a few pounds. I know these are common things. But most people don't shut themselves away because of it.
Original post by Anonymous
Features are asymmetrical and disproportionate. I could also lose a few pounds. I know these are common things. But most people don't shut themselves away because of it.


Is it not a possibility that your depression is making you shut yourself away and view yourself in this way?
Reply 6
Possibly. But I don't want to see people because I feel so self-conscious and have no self-esteem left or confidence in my abilities anymore. I used to use my appearance as a shield to pretend I am okay. None of my friends know about my depression. I have hidden it well. I don't feel like I can hide it anymore. But I can't tell anyone about it, other than the mental health professionals I see.
Original post by Anonymous
Possibly. But I don't want to see people because I feel so self-conscious and have no self-esteem left or confidence in my abilities anymore. I used to use my appearance as a shield to pretend I am okay. None of my friends know about my depression. I have hidden it well. I don't feel like I can hide it anymore. But I can't tell anyone about it, other than the mental health professionals I see.


Maybe bring it up with your health professionals again. And tell them that this is seriously hindering your life? They are obliged to listen.

Have I already suggested mind.org to you. They have a number you can contact them by and they treat you with full confidentiality. Let them know all your concerns and they'll give you proper guidance as this is their area of knowledge. Try it.
After reading this I am even more convinced that people are losing faith in psychiatry. The profession basically involves ticking off a checklist and prescribing a few meds, without any regard for patient welfare whatsoever. I've long been on the side of those scientists who don't believe in the medicalisation of mental health, and suggest "treatments" that are akin to how a child would develop until they become independent.

OP, you've identified something that you want to change. That alone is a brave move, and a step towards resolution of your mental health issues. The next step, and possibly the hardest for most sufferers, is to tell people about it. They're afraid that people won't care, or that they judge, or fail to understand. Luckily there are plenty of phone numbers to call, and those on the other end are trained simply to listen.
Reply 9
Original post by shawn_o1
After reading this I am even more convinced that people are losing faith in psychiatry. The profession basically involves ticking off a checklist and prescribing a few meds, without any regard for patient welfare whatsoever. I've long been on the side of those scientists who don't believe in the medicalisation of mental health, and suggest "treatments" that are akin to how a child would develop until they become independent.

OP, you've identified something that you want to change. That alone is a brave move, and a step towards resolution of your mental health issues. The next step, and possibly the hardest for most sufferers, is to tell people about it. They're afraid that people won't care, or that they judge, or fail to understand. Luckily there are plenty of phone numbers to call, and those on the other end are trained simply to listen.


Thanks for this :smile:. My psychiatrist was great in many ways but he really pushed medication on me. When I decided to stop taking my antidepressants, he would threaten to section me (obviously I then pretended I was taking them). He'd repeatedly tell me that studies have shown that anti-depressants are effective in moderate- severe depression. But, of course, data has been and can be skewed by publication bias and funding by pharma, who are keen to get certain positive results. This consequently affects later meta-analysis. So like you, I'm sceptical when psychiatrists portray pharmacological treatments as infallible and "evidence-based".

I have told people, namely mental healthcare professionals, about my problems but I don't feel anyone understands. It now seems tiring and futile, and I just want a break.
Body dysmorphic disorder?
Reply 11
Original post by Anonymous
I've always been self-conscious. I think most people are and most people aren't happy wth their appearance anyway.

However, for the past two years, my repulsion with my physical self has been seriously affecting my life. I know I'm not the ugliest person in the world, but I know I am ugly. I mostly stay in my room because I don't want to be around people; they're just going to be disgusted by my appearance.

I don't feel comfortable going out in public unless I've spent around 2 hours on my hair and makeup, trying to conceal my ugliness and "fooling" everyone. It's now becoming too exhausting going through that ritual. I barely leave my room nowadays.

I can spend a lot of time looking at mirrors and picking at my skin. Reflective surfaces in public places are the bane of my life. And there are other times I avoid mirrors because I don't want to see how grotesque I look. Recently, I have been completely avoiding looking at myself.

I now isolate myself for long periods and haven't properly seen a friend for the past 6 weeks. My depression is getting really bad. I used to be a straight A student and too of the class. I barely attend lectures or even look at my reading list anymore.

This year alone I've spent just under £2000 on facial fillers. I have, to my dismay, been turned away by numerous doctors. I thought cosmetic work would make me feel better. It doesn't. I'm considering going under more invasive procedures. Something as minor as filler won't cut it.

I saw a psychiatrist at the start of the year, as part of a home crisis team. I was planning on killing myself (depressed for a while, and long history of sexual and physical abuse). He noticed at one appointment I was trying to cover myself up, and asked if I felt self-conscious. I don't think he ever took my worries seriously. In our first appointment, one of the first things told me he thought I was "beautiful". He said similar hyperbolic things at every other appointment. I presume the reason for his flawed view is because most of his other patients are deshiveled middle aged drug users, and my makeup skills are really good at hiding my true ugliness. There were a few occasions I stopped turning up to appointments because I felt so disgusting that no amount of makeup could hide, but my psychiatrist never understood and threatened to section me if I didn't show.

Also at the beginning of my new therapy, I mentioned my issues with my body and face. My therapist recommend a book and we have never talked about it since. Either she thinks I am ugly, which I fully accept, and there's nothing that can be done about that- save for surgical cosmetic work. Or perhaps my therapist thinks I am being superficial etc and thus not worth dealing with.

I haven't told my GP my problems with my appearance because I know he won't take it seriously (although I do see him for my depression). Why would he take such a petty thing seriously when he sees patients who have terminal physical illnesses?

Any advice? I don't want to be tormented by this anymore :frown:.


Try identifying and exploring the perception you have of yourself and where it has come from (abuse and depression is something you have mentioned), further invasive surgery probably won't help. You're already more than half way by identifying that something has to change.

Exploration of your history and addressing your perception of self through some sort of long term therapy (individual or group) could be a good avenue (there's different types of non-medication long term therapy. eg., jungian or freudian psychoanalysis, CBT, DBT, etc.). If you're at uni, you should get it for free. Someone mentioned mind.org.uk, which is another good source. Self-help books are good too.

I know there's a whole world on mental health therapy, but if you decide to go this route, you could try and seek out and explore what you think may be helpful to you, that could be helpful to the mental health professional when you talk to them. Don't worry if that is too much.

Don't give up, if you go into therapy, see it as a long term thing (over 1 or 2 years), it might be difficult at first as the therapist gets to know you and your history, but can turn out to be fruitful in the end. Remember, if it's serious to you, it's not petty.
Original post by _mitigantsea
Body dysmorphic disorder?


I thought it could be BDD. Most of the symptoms apply to me. Although I haven't talked to anyone about it enough to get a formal diagnosis. I don't want to be one of those self-diagnosing hypochondriacs!
Original post by there8
Try identifying and exploring the perception you have of yourself and where it has come from (abuse and depression is something you have mentioned), further invasive surgery probably won't help. You're already more than half way by identifying that something has to change.

Exploration of your history and addressing your perception of self through some sort of long term therapy (individual or group) could be a good avenue (there's different types of non-medication long term therapy. eg., jungian or freudian psychoanalysis, CBT, DBT, etc.). If you're at uni, you should get it for free. Someone mentioned mind.org.uk, which is another good source. Self-help books are good too.

I know there's a whole world on mental health therapy, but if you decide to go this route, you could try and seek out and explore what you think may be helpful to you, that could be helpful to the mental health professional when you talk to them. Don't worry if that is too much.

Don't give up, if you go into therapy, see it as a long term thing (over 1 or 2 years), it might be difficult at first as the therapist gets to know you and your history, but can turn out to be fruitful in the end. Remember, if it's serious to you, it's not petty.


After nearly a year on waiting lists, I'm in a therapy which combines elements of psychoanalysis and CBT. However, it's an NHS model created for speed and thus time-limited. I have roughly four months of treatment allocated to me. So far, we just scratched the service and recently it's become increasingly pointless. So I took a break to focus on my thoughts.

I've also read numerous self-help sources. Thanks so much your advice :smile:.
Reply 14
Original post by Anonymous
After nearly a year on waiting lists, I'm in a therapy which combines elements of psychoanalysis and CBT. However, it's an NHS model created for speed and thus time-limited. I have roughly four months of treatment allocated to me. So far, we just scratched the service and recently it's become increasingly pointless. So I took a break to focus on my thoughts.

I've also read numerous self-help sources. Thanks so much your advice :smile:.


I'm glad I could be of some help :smile: and I'm sorry to hear about how difficult a time you're having. I admire your perseverence in seeking and identifying different sources for help, despite your circumstances. Honestly, the state the NHS is in at the moment, particularly in mental health, is really sad. Non-medication and long term therapies are the ones that take the hit first when it comes to cost. Private ones are available if you ever chose that route, and I think they cost around £2000 a year, although you could probably ask for a discount if you can't afford it, once you explain your situation.

Keep going if you can, especially when you think it's becoming pointless, that's what I meant when I said it'll be difficult in the beginning. For ages, I used to go and for a long time find it utterly pointless, and then things changed, it's so hard to explain how though, I just had this belief that in for the long term, I'll change. I guess your brain just absorbs things and processes them in the subconscious.

As you're taking a break and focussing on your thoughts, I don't know if this may be of help, you might want to try and challenge them. You seem to have set yourself with a framework through your experiences that works negatively against you, it'll be challenging to re-frame it, but possible.

What I mean by that is keep questioning your thoughts, particularly the negative ones, and back it up by evidence. Example, if you're feeling ugly, ask those thoughts what proof you have, who has actually said that, has anyone said you're pretty, and so on, focussing on the present and recent past. Keep breaking them down further, like picking on your skin you mention, and use counter examples, like the psychiatrist saying you look beautiful (take it at face value, and try not reading in between the lines, humans are wired up to, but it seems like your mind is in a framework that will work negatively towards you, so probably won't help as much if you do). If you were truly ugly, your make-up would not be able to do anything, no matter how hard you try. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so beauty and ugliness is not constant.

When you first challenge your thoughts, and if they work anything like mine used to, they'll probably be ready with counter examples and ready to manipulate you to fit your current framework (like turning around what I just said about beauty and ugliness), so you need to keep challenging and backing up your questions with evidence based answers (it'll help you work towards becoming a realist).

I don't have a psychology background by the way, but I've had my fair share of psychoanalysis and CBT, and these are some of the first steps I was able to identify to help me get out of the mindset that was disabling me.
Original post by Anonymous
I thought it could be BDD. Most of the symptoms apply to me. Although I haven't talked to anyone about it enough to get a formal diagnosis. I don't want to be one of those self-diagnosing hypochondriacs!


I think you should try to talk about it at least with your GP...it could be the first step to the solution

Quick Reply

Latest