I've always been self-conscious. I think most people are and most people aren't happy wth their appearance anyway.
However, for the past two years, my repulsion with my physical self has been seriously affecting my life. I know I'm not the ugliest person in the world, but I know I am ugly. I mostly stay in my room because I don't want to be around people; they're just going to be disgusted by my appearance.
I don't feel comfortable going out in public unless I've spent around 2 hours on my hair and makeup, trying to conceal my ugliness and "fooling" everyone. It's now becoming too exhausting going through that ritual. I barely leave my room nowadays.
I can spend a lot of time looking at mirrors and picking at my skin. Reflective surfaces in public places are the bane of my life. And there are other times I avoid mirrors because I don't want to see how grotesque I look. Recently, I have been completely avoiding looking at myself.
I now isolate myself for long periods and haven't properly seen a friend for the past 6 weeks. My depression is getting really bad. I used to be a straight A student and too of the class. I barely attend lectures or even look at my reading list anymore.
This year alone I've spent just under £2000 on facial fillers. I have, to my dismay, been turned away by numerous doctors. I thought cosmetic work would make me feel better. It doesn't. I'm considering going under more invasive procedures. Something as minor as filler won't cut it.
I saw a psychiatrist at the start of the year, as part of a home crisis team. I was planning on killing myself (depressed for a while, and long history of sexual and physical abuse). He noticed at one appointment I was trying to cover myself up, and asked if I felt self-conscious. I don't think he ever took my worries seriously. In our first appointment, one of the first things told me he thought I was "beautiful". He said similar hyperbolic things at every other appointment. I presume the reason for his flawed view is because most of his other patients are deshiveled middle aged drug users, and my makeup skills are really good at hiding my true ugliness. There were a few occasions I stopped turning up to appointments because I felt so disgusting that no amount of makeup could hide, but my psychiatrist never understood and threatened to section me if I didn't show.
Also at the beginning of my new therapy, I mentioned my issues with my body and face. My therapist recommend a book and we have never talked about it since. Either she thinks I am ugly, which I fully accept, and there's nothing that can be done about that- save for surgical cosmetic work. Or perhaps my therapist thinks I am being superficial etc and thus not worth dealing with.
I haven't told my GP my problems with my appearance because I know he won't take it seriously (although I do see him for my depression). Why would he take such a petty thing seriously when he sees patients who have terminal physical illnesses?
Any advice? I don't want to be tormented by this anymore
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