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My bf scared me today, but there are issues in the relationship that are my fault.

My boyfriend of 2 years is nice most of the ime but criticises me often, I put that down to him just having a strong work ethic/personality. The relationship has issues because basically i dont like sex. I dont outright refuse but i dont act sexy etc so he doesnt bother, sex is non existant between us. This frustrates him and can understand why he has had tons of patience with me (ive seen gp tried to sortvthe prob) but what i want to know is how much frustration is deemed acceptable for him to show?

He text me today asking if i could help with his attic as he is moving into a new flat. I wont move with him because i dont like his current attitude like he gets annoyed/criticises for small things, i feel as though everything has to be done his way. Anyway i went down to help him and he was trying to put together an old wooden shelf with limited success.

He got very angry and said 'im sick of ****, theres always something goes wrong in life im just not moving forward with anything you, work, my injury (he cant play sport) and now this'. He started kicking the shelf like mad repeatedly then said 'bastard'. He brought up the topic of my problem and started getting annoyed, saying it was affecting his life. I felt scared so said 'dont everything out on me'. He calmed down but yea im just a bit worried it sill happen again and i feel its my fault but at the same time dont know whats right/wrong. I expect him to be frustrated but i mean ..how much?

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Original post by Anonymous
My boyfriend of 2 years is nice most of the ime but criticises me often, I put that down to him just having a strong work ethic/personality. The relationship has issues because basically i dont like sex. I dont outright refuse but i dont act sexy etc so he doesnt bother, sex is non existant between us. This frustrates him and can understand why he has had tons of patience with me (ive seen gp tried to sortvthe prob) but what i want to know is how much frustration is deemed acceptable for him to show?

He text me today asking if i could help with his attic as he is moving into a new flat. I wont move with him because i dont like his current attitude like he gets annoyed/criticises for small things, i feel as though everything has to be done his way. Anyway i went down to help him and he was trying to put together an old wooden shelf with limited success.

He got very angry and said 'im sick of ****, theres always something goes wrong in life im just not moving forward with anything you, work, my injury (he cant play sport) and now this'. He started kicking the shelf like mad repeatedly then said 'bastard'. He brought up the topic of my problem and started getting annoyed, saying it was affecting his life. I felt scared so said 'dont everything out on me'. He calmed down but yea im just a bit worried it sill happen again and i feel its my fault but at the same time dont know whats right/wrong. I expect him to be frustrated but i mean ..how much?


Unfortunately it could be a problem that you can't fix,if you ve gone down the GP route then maybe your sex drives don't match up which if it's making you both unhappy you might want to cut your losses per say
Reply 2
You obviously don't understand male psychology very much. Can you imagine how frustrating it is for him to put up with a gf who won't have sex with him? You haven't sorted out your own problems and in the meantime he gets incredibly wound up, just like any guy would when they haven't had sex for ages. The anger builds up but the guy holds it together until one day he loses it, and then you criticise the result when in fact you created the problem in the first place. Females by nature do that all the time. If you know he isn't like this most of the time, why are you complaining after only one incident? He was probably having a bad day (stress, work, injury), and yet you don't have enough patience with him to recognise that before you came ranting on here. The way I see it, he has been much more patient with you than you have for him. It sounds to me like you're a dead weight in your relationship, which is why he feels the need to take the lead - and that hurts your ego. He has made the effort moving into a new place and asking you to move in with him, while you throw it back in his face and expect him not to get upset about it. You literally just brush off all the things you're doing to treat him like ****, and then you ask what's acceptable from him? IMO he hasn't shown enough frustration - if I was in his position I would have cut you loose months ago. Give your bf a break for being so patient with you.
^^above is a little harsh, but yes, your relationship is a joke. It's basically his fault for still being with you. If he's frustrated to this level, he should just move on. If you're getting whatever it is that you want out of it, then I suppose it's ok for you - but frankly I don't see what either of you are doing with each other.

Btw, if you don't do sex ever - good luck getting another partner ever.
Reply 4
Original post by asif007
You obviously don't understand male psychology very much. Can you imagine how frustrating it is for him to put up with a gf who won't have sex with him? You haven't sorted out your own problems and in the meantime he gets incredibly wound up, just like any guy would when they haven't had sex for ages. The anger builds up but the guy holds it together until one day he loses it, and then you criticise the result when in fact you created the problem in the first place. Females by nature do that all the time. If you know he isn't like this most of the time, why are you complaining after only one incident? He was probably having a bad day (stress, work, injury), and yet you don't have enough patience with him to recognise that before you came ranting on here. The way I see it, he has been much more patient with you than you have for him. It sounds to me like you're a dead weight in your relationship, which is why he feels the need to take the lead - and that hurts your ego. He has made the effort moving into a new place and asking you to move in with him, while you throw it back in his face and expect him not to get upset about it. You literally just brush off all the things you're doing to treat him like ****, and then you ask what's acceptable from him? IMO he hasn't shown enough frustration - if I was in his position I would have cut you loose months ago. Give your bf a break for being so patient with you.


He has cut me loose but then he always asks to meet up and wants to get back with me, the relationship has been on and off. Ive said that i understand why he's frustrated, im posting about the way he expresses it. Ive tried to sort the problem i saw a therapist and paid over £500 in total which was a waste of time/money as it didnt really help.

You think im a dead weight maybe ive not explained the stuff i do for him like driving him everywhere i feel the relationship is an extra chore in my life even though i have feelings for him. He has problems in his life like injuries, his parents died, he has fell out with him family, his sister is giving him hassle etc.

I get the frustration about sex but i didnt cause all these problems. He says every women he's been with has had something wrong with them in some way (he's had lots as he's a lot older than me, he's 56, but I dont want to move in with him (least not yet) as i feel he criticises most things i do including what i wear (im not feminine enough), my decisions in life (he says ive not achieved anything) and called me a ****ing imbecile the other day. I just completely ignore it to avoid argument. I get his frustration but i didnt cause all his life problems. Moving in would be like walking on eggshells but of course i wouldnt know unless i tried i suppose)

As he said the relationship is more like being mates at the moment. I have tried to solve my problem. Originally it was a combination of lack of sexual intetest and worrying about catching stuff (as he's had lits of women) I suggested we both get tested for sti's ages ago but he wont (he thinks it'l make no difference to my interest). We have tried sex but theres certain elements i dont like about it like all the kissing etc (id rather just get on with the intercourse) but he gets frusted at my lack of 'response', guarded body language and it never works. Its weird as even at school/college other girls were dating but i just lacked sexual interest for some reason.
I really don't think that your 'problem' is really your fault, I mean you can't help it and you're open about it, and that's all you can do. It sounds like he's pushing a lot of blame and pressure onto you for something that you can't change. I understand his frustration, but he really shouldn't address it like this. Also, I'm just wondering if there wasn't stuff you could work out that you'd both enjoy?
Original post by asif007
You obviously don't understand male psychology very much. Can you imagine how frustrating it is for him to put up with a gf who won't have sex with him? You haven't sorted out your own problems and in the meantime he gets incredibly wound up, just like any guy would when they haven't had sex for ages. The anger builds up but the guy holds it together until one day he loses it, and then you criticise the result when in fact you created the problem in the first place. Females by nature do that all the time. If you know he isn't like this most of the time, why are you complaining after only one incident? He was probably having a bad day (stress, work, injury), and yet you don't have enough patience with him to recognise that before you came ranting on here. The way I see it, he has been much more patient with you than you have for him. It sounds to me like you're a dead weight in your relationship, which is why he feels the need to take the lead - and that hurts your ego. He has made the effort moving into a new place and asking you to move in with him, while you throw it back in his face and expect him not to get upset about it. You literally just brush off all the things you're doing to treat him like ****, and then you ask what's acceptable from him? IMO he hasn't shown enough frustration - if I was in his position I would have cut you loose months ago. Give your bf a break for being so patient with you.


This is beautiful and blunt as me. I hate it when females fail to understand that a guy needs sex otherwise he will get annoyed at every little thing.
56 year old? If you're much younger than him that's your signal to get away from him, he seems ready to commit a crime with the way he's treating you
Reply 8
You don't sound like you have a very happy relationship, no idea why you're both in one.
Reply 9
Original post by shawn_o1
56 year old? If you're much younger than him that's your signal to get away from him, he seems ready to commit a crime with the way he's treating you


Why are the replies so mixed in opinions. Im still in my twenties but he doesnt look his age. Thats why I felt a bit scared at the time (didnt show it though) but this is what i mean at the same time its understandable that he's frustrated. As people have said regular sex means a lot to most men, if not a basic need.
Original post by Anonymous
I really don't think that your 'problem' is really your fault, I mean you can't help it and you're open about it, and that's all you can do. It sounds like he's pushing a lot of blame and pressure onto you for something that you can't change. I understand his frustration, but he really shouldn't address it like this. Also, I'm just wondering if there wasn't stuff you could work out that you'd both enjoy?


Tried discussing this, i said I get nothing from kissing but he said he knows of no relationship where kissing isnt involved. We do kiss because he likes it but its not 'proper' enough for him. Same with sex Id just rather do the intercourse, I dont mind this as much, though i had problems with it hurting i think this can be worked on. He is a big fan of kissing and doing other stuff though which i really dont like and it shows in my body language etc. Because of this and my lack of interest we dont try anymore. The therapist i saw said i was 'normal ' but as my bf said they have to say this really its their job. She said that the relationship hasvto be right first before sex, but she didnt seem to get that its the sex thing which has caused the relationship issues.
Original post by Anonymous
He has cut me loose but then he always asks to meet up and wants to get back with me, the relationship has been on and off. Ive said that i understand why he's frustrated, im posting about the way he expresses it. Ive tried to sort the problem i saw a therapist and paid over £500 in total which was a waste of time/money as it didnt really help.

You think im a dead weight maybe ive not explained the stuff i do for him like driving him everywhere i feel the relationship is an extra chore in my life even though i have feelings for him. He has problems in his life like injuries, his parents died, he has fell out with him family, his sister is giving him hassle etc.

I get the frustration about sex but i didnt cause all these problems. He says every women he's been with has had something wrong with them in some way (he's had lots as he's a lot older than me, he's 56, but I dont want to move in with him (least not yet) as i feel he criticises most things i do including what i wear (im not feminine enough), my decisions in life (he says ive not achieved anything) and called me a ****ing imbecile the other day. I just completely ignore it to avoid argument. I get his frustration but i didnt cause all his life problems. Moving in would be like walking on eggshells but of course i wouldnt know unless i tried i suppose)

As he said the relationship is more like being mates at the moment. I have tried to solve my problem. Originally it was a combination of lack of sexual intetest and worrying about catching stuff (as he's had lits of women) I suggested we both get tested for sti's ages ago but he wont (he thinks it'l make no difference to my interest). We have tried sex but theres certain elements i dont like about it like all the kissing etc (id rather just get on with the intercourse) but he gets frusted at my lack of 'response', guarded body language and it never works. Its weird as even at school/college other girls were dating but i just lacked sexual interest for some reason.


I'm not talking about all the other problems in his life - that's you going off on a tangent. I'm talking about the one specific problem you are responsible for: lack of sex. I'm surprised you don't realise that lack of sex is what's exacerbating all the other problems in his life, making it harder for him to cope and as a result he is taking his frustration out on you. If you're complaining about how he expresses his frustration, by logic you do not understand why he is frustrated in the first place and how you can avoid it. It sounds like you haven't even taken the simple first step of actually sitting down to discuss this with him. You haven't sorted out your own problem with low sex drive and I don't know if you've been to see a GP or not. But it sounds like you've given up too easily and the impression you're giving is that you haven't worked hard to sort out your problem because you don't want sex in the first place. You don't want intimacy with him and you're too concerned about catching an STI. You don't understand how important sex is in a relationship because of your lack of sexual interest, and in most relationships that would be a deal-breaker. I'm surprised this guy has stuck by you for so long with your issues.

The point I am making is that you make no effort with sex and then complain when he calls you out on it. By definition you have created the problem and then criticise the result, which is just childish. Sort yourself out now, otherwise put the poor guy out of his misery and end the relationship. Why are you complaining so much about it if you have "feelings" for him? You complain that you have to drive him around everywhere - well for someone who's had an injury and probably has difficulty moving around, the least you should be expected to do as his gf is help him. If that's a chore for you, walk away now. You've put him through enough **** already to last a lifetime, I'm surprised he keeps coming back to you. Age difference aside, you're obviously not mature enough to know about sex and relationships.
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by samantham999
This is beautiful and blunt as me. I hate it when females fail to understand that a guy needs sex otherwise he will get annoyed at every little thing.


Thanks for the support, I usually get a lot of hate for my views. Are you a guy too?
Original post by asif007
I'm not talking about all the other problems in his life - that's you going off on a tangent. I'm talking about the one specific problem you are responsible for: lack of sex. I'm surprised you don't realise that lack of sex is what's exacerbating all the other problems in his life, making it harder for him to cope and as a result he is taking his frustration out on you. If you're complaining about how he expresses his frustration, by logic you do not understand why he is frustrated in the first place and how you can avoid it. It sounds like you haven't even taken the simple first step of actually sitting down to discuss this with him. You haven't sorted out your own problem with low sex drive and I don't know if you've been to see a GP or not. But it sounds like you've given up too easily and the impression you're giving is that you haven't worked hard to sort out your problem because you don't want sex in the first place. You don't want intimacy with him and you're too concerned about catching an STI. You don't understand how important sex is in a relationship because of your lack of sexual interest, and in most relationships that would be a deal-breaker. I'm surprised this guy has stuck by you for so long with your issues.

The point I am making is that you make no effort with sex and then complain when he calls you out on it. By definition you have created the problem and then criticise the result, which is just childish. Sort yourself out now, otherwise put the poor guy out of his misery and end the relationship. Why are you complaining so much about it if you have "feelings" for him? You complain that you have to drive him around everywhere - well for someone who's had an injury and probably has difficulty moving around, the least you should be expected to do as his gf is help him. If that's a chore for you, walk away now. You've put him through enough **** already to last a lifetime, I'm surprised he keeps coming back to you. Age difference aside, you're obviously not mature enough to know about sex and relationships.


I don't think you are reading what I am saying that well, either that or you are not understanding it.

You say I've made no effort with sex. I've tried several times, had hormones checked and spent lots of money on seeing a therapist about it. Again this isn't me complaining this is in response to you saying I've made no effort.

You say that I'm complaining about driving him around everywhere. I was using this as an example of a way that I contribute in response to you saying I was a deadweight to him.

Im not mature full stop, he says the same.
Reply 14
A decent man wouldn't treat you like this no matter what amount of sex you're having. I very rarely have sex and I'm not treated this way. I'm treated with respect and mutual understanding. Of course he would like it more often but he understands the current limitations.

I'd rather know why you're with someone who treats you so poorly full stop. You deserve better and frankly, why would you even want to have sex with someone who treats you like you're an idiot and less than him? Maybe the problem isn't actually you at all but the fact he is an asshat that's making you not want sex? And if it's a physical thing like vaginismus..stress, fear, trying to make your body do what your mind doesn't want to..all triggers that response.
Original post by ~Tara~
A decent man wouldn't treat you like this no matter what amount of sex you're having. I very rarely have sex and I'm not treated this way. I'm treated with respect and mutual understanding. Of course he would like it more often but he understands the current limitations.

I'd rather know why you're with someone who treats you so poorly full stop. You deserve better and frankly, why would you even want to have sex with someone who treats you like you're an idiot and less than him? Maybe the problem isn't actually you at all but the fact he is an asshat that's making you not want sex? And if it's a physical thing like vaginismus..stress, fear, trying to make your body do what your mind doesn't want to..all triggers that response.


I think that everyone should be treated with respect and I agree his criticism will contribute to me not wanting sex more. However I can understand that it's frustrating for someone not to get what they want in a relationship that is very important to them. As I've said I get that he is frustrated and have excused his attitude/ behaviours as being due to him not being happy because of my fault. It's just where is the line drawn if you know what I mean.
Original post by asif007
Thanks for the support, I usually get a lot of hate for my views. Are you a guy too?


Lmao I get SO much hate for my views. I am a girl
Reply 17
Original post by Anonymous
I think that everyone should be treated with respect and I agree his criticism will contribute to me not wanting sex more. However I can understand that it's frustrating for someone not to get what they want in a relationship that is very important to them. As I've said I get that he is frustrated and have excused his attitude/ behaviours as being due to him not being happy because of my fault. It's just where is the line drawn if you know what I mean.


The line is drawn when he is demeaning and abusive in his treatment of you.

What if you replaced his wanting sex with wanting dinner on the table every night by 5pm and he gets mad because you can hardly ever do it for that time? But it's okay for him to treat you poorly because he can't help his hunger and it's only natural that he would want to eat at the same time every day. It's my fault because I should make more effort to get home quicker.

There's a wide margin between asking for sex and hinting it's been a while, and being abusive because you're not having. You deserve better. Why should his need to have sex override your need not to?
Reply 18
I also wanted to say that I think you're attributing more of his attitude and behaviour to yourself than is likely to be anywhere near true.

He has got plenty of trauma and upheaval in his background that sounds unresolved. He had all that before he met you but it's easier for him to put you down and blame it all on sex than actually work through his stuff. As for not having an STI check to make you feel more comfortable because he doesn't believe there will be the reward of sex? No. he should have one to ensure you're both safe and healthy if you do have sex.

You don't have to stay with him because he hasn't got any one else. You're not trapped into this and can walk away even if it doesn't feel like it. I don't know if you're aware but what you describe actually falls under the definition of domestic violence. The verbal and emotional abuse, violence also doesn't need to be directly aimed at you - it made you fearful, that's enough. It's not your fault.
Reply 19
jesus it's not as if sex is an absolute necessity in life. I'm not interested in sex either. Don't listen to people saying you won't ever get a partner with that attitude or it's all your fault. No one "needs" sex. It's not up for debate. People WANT sex, but they don't NEED it. I agree with claire, it would be healthier for the both of you to find someone with a similar sex drive to you, since this guy seems to crave sex much more than you do. He probably just has a lot of pent up stress with a lot of things in his life, it's not just the relationship.