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I have feelings for my best guy friend, though we live far apart (pls read more info)

I became really good friends with a guy in my final year of uni. We are both sociable people, he is "ladish" and good looking. We started sleeping with eachother after 6 months but we never really talked about feelings apart from saying that sleeping together was fine if we didn't get feelings at the beginning (we were already best m8s by this point)... then he started dating this girl and he effectively cheated on her a few times with me (please don't judge) and then we stopped everything and remained best friends. I never thought I had feelings for him, I was extremely sure I didn't. We have both graduated and moved home now (it has been 6 months since grad!) and live far apart. Have only seen eachother a couple times since and he is still with his gf. For some reason this past few days I have been thinking about him a lot... like I miss him and I have a feeling that it might be more than friendship for me...

I don't know what I should do... I just kind of want someone to comment on my situation.

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I can completely sympathize with your position and I don't judge you at all for sleeping with him whilst he had a girlfriend (that's his responsibility, not yours). Unfortunately he does have a girlfriend now and you probably just have to move on. Perhaps if you see him again in the future, something could happen, but it's not worth focusing on.
Reply 2
Original post by Lavaridge
I can completely sympathize with your position and I don't judge you at all for sleeping with him whilst he had a girlfriend (that's his responsibility, not yours). Unfortunately he does have a girlfriend now and you probably just have to move on. Perhaps if you see him again in the future, something could happen, but it's not worth focusing on.


Yeah... I'm going to visit him at his home in 2 weeks and I'm just scared this will all come out in some way either through my behaviour or anything. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I know I wouldn't even if he knew but it would make things difficult. I'm just confused where this is all coming from because I never felt like this when we lived close together... it's just the last few days for no reason.. maybe it's because I miss his companionship.
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah... I'm going to visit him at his home in 2 weeks and I'm just scared this will all come out in some way either through my behaviour or anything. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I know I wouldn't even if he knew but it would make things difficult. I'm just confused where this is all coming from because I never felt like this when we lived close together... it's just the last few days for no reason.. maybe it's because I miss his companionship.


Did you know that he had a girlfriend when you slept with him?
Reply 4
Original post by SonoLuma
Did you know that he had a girlfriend when you slept with him?


Neither here nor there since I'm not asking for judgement on this part of the story. Everything is clear from the OP, read it again.
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah... I'm going to visit him at his home in 2 weeks and I'm just scared this will all come out in some way either through my behaviour or anything. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I know I wouldn't even if he knew but it would make things difficult. I'm just confused where this is all coming from because I never felt like this when we lived close together... it's just the last few days for no reason.. maybe it's because I miss his companionship.


I tried going to visit an ex-girlfriend/fwb the other week. I missed her companionship too and, like you say, it was for a few days beforehand that it felt really strong, seemingly at random.

So you're really not alone in feeling like this, but ultimately unless you think there's a chance of him breaking up with his girlfriend for you then I'd really try not to let your feelings out. It will only make things more awkward and, regardless of whether it's friendship or more that you want, it's really not to your advantage for him to think you're waiting on the sidelines for him.
(edited 7 years ago)
Reply 6
Original post by Lavaridge
I tried going to visit an ex-girlfriend/fwb the other week. Long story short, it didn't end up mattering that one of us was in a relationship. I missed her companionship too and, like you say, it was only for a few days that it felt really strong, seemingly at random.

So you're really not alone in feeling like this, but ultimately unless you think there's a chance of him breaking up with his girlfriend for you then I'd really try not to let your feelings out. It will only make things more awkward, and it's really not to your advantage for him to think you're waiting on the sidelines for him.


I guess so but the thing is, we were honestly JUST really great friends. Even when we were together sexually I never felt anything romantic. We aren't exes. Just the past few days I've been thinking more about him :/ I guess I just need to get over it but I don't know whether it's a good idea to see him if something is surfacing.I'm just nervous about seeing him in case I get drunk and let things slip.

Thanks for your reply. Even if he broke up with his girlfriend (and how do I even know if he feels like I do, if he has this gf it's unlikely he does) we are such good friends I wouldn't want a relationship with him at this point in my life, it's not worth risking our friendship right now since we are both leading different lives back at home starting our careers.

You're totally right though thank you :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
Neither here nor there since I'm not asking for judgement on this part of the story. Everything is clear from the OP, read it again.


Well actually it is pertinent. I did read it, that is why I asked the question. No one wants judgement, if you slept with him and you knew he was with someone, yes he is a cheating a**, but you're complicit in it. I don't need to judge you, its quite clear when you see things for what they are, and it's quite clear as you're getting very defensive about it.

If you found yourself in the situation where you knew he was with someone and he cheated on her with you, don't be surprised if and when he cheats on you too.

Edit: Also, I wouldn't order someone to read the op again, when you yourself need to read the last line of your own post. "I just kind of want someone to comment on my situation."

I'm commenting on your situation, don't get offended when someone says something you dont like.
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by SonoLuma

If you found yourself in the situation where you knew he was with someone and he cheated on her with you, don't be surprised if and when he cheats on you too.


Not that I endorse the tone of the above, but as a guy I do agree with this.
But like you said, it's probably not a relationship that you're after anyway.
(edited 7 years ago)
Reply 9
Original post by SonoLuma
Well actually it is pertinent. I did read it, that is why I asked the question. No one wants judgement, if you slept with him and you knew he was with someone, yes he is a cheating a**, but you're complicit in it. I don't need to judge you, its quite clear when you see things for what they are, and it's quite clear as you're getting very defensive about it.

If you found yourself in the situation where you knew he was with someone and he cheated on her with you, don't be surprised if and when he cheats on you too.

Edit: Also, I wouldn't order someone to read the op again, when you yourself need to read the last line of your own post. "I just kind of want someone to comment on my situation."

I'm commenting on your situation, don't get offended when someone says something you dont like.


You can pass whatever judgement you like, you don't know either of us so I'm not really bothered. The world isn't black and white. I'm not offended because I disagree with what you're saying so it doesn't really matter to me. I don't find it constructive to what I'm asking (whatever that is). I would say thank you for trying to help but I don't really think that was your intention.

I asked you to read the OP again as I felt what you were asking was answered in there
Original post by Lavaridge
Not that I endorse the tone of the above, but as a guy I do agree with this.
But like you said, it's probably not a relationship that you're after anyway.


He isn't the cheating type I just don't really want to go into the details online. Thanks for your replies though you've made me think about it in a different way :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
I became really good friends with a guy in my final year of uni. We are both sociable people, he is "ladish" and good looking. We started sleeping with eachother after 6 months but we never really talked about feelings apart from saying that sleeping together was fine if we didn't get feelings at the beginning (we were already best m8s by this point)... then he started dating this girl and he effectively cheated on her a few times with me (please don't judge) and then we stopped everything and remained best friends. I never thought I had feelings for him, I was extremely sure I didn't. We have both graduated and moved home now (it has been 6 months since grad!) and live far apart. Have only seen eachother a couple times since and he is still with his gf. For some reason this past few days I have been thinking about him a lot... like I miss him and I have a feeling that it might be more than friendship for me...

I don't know what I should do... I just kind of want someone to comment on my situation.

I am in or was in a very similar situation. I had a sexual relationship with a guy who had a long term gf. He was my first everything and I liked him for many years. He recently broke up with his gf and we became incredibly close physically and emotionally. However he's made it clear he doesn't want to label our relationship and wants to keep it casual. He's quite unstable emotionally.

Based on experience my advice would be to continue talking to him and seeing him. Don't overtly tell him you have feelings for him, that might make it seem like you're coming on too strong. Give him hints, talk about the good times you've had and things you've done together. Nostalgia is a powerful tool. Use it.

I know people will say its morally wrong etc but tbh its your life if you're in love with him, you're in love with him. No one owns anyone. All is fair in love and war. If you succeed in capturing his heart, he'll leave his gf for you, if not he won't. It's not like you're casually having sex with a married man.

Good luck
Original post by Anonymous
You can pass whatever judgement you like, you don't know either of us so I'm not really bothered. The world isn't black and white. I'm not offended because I disagree with what you're saying so it doesn't really matter to me. I don't find it constructive to what I'm asking (whatever that is). I would say thank you for trying to help but I don't really think that was your intention.

I asked you to read the OP again as I felt what you were asking was answered in there


Well, I can tell you arent reading my comments. You sounded quite bothered in your last reply, so I think thats a lie. "Read OP again" is clearly not "asking." As i'd said, I dont need to judge you, as it is quite clear what you've done and what you want out of this exchange.

Yes the world isnt black and white. Recognising the fact that you were complicit alleviates the notion of black and white. Recognising the fact that he went behind someone who trusted him's back and essentially betrayed them does the same. Trying to ignore both of those facts is both immature and useless.

You just admitted you dont know what you're asking. So how can it automatically not be constructive? If you didnt know that he was in a relationship at the time, there shouldnt be any disagreement. If you did, youre just setting yourself up. I dont know how you think that isnt constructive (oh wait, is it because its a bitter pill to swallow? That might be it.)

So, let me just confirm something. You want people to simply make you feel better? If that isnt the case and you want advice or a comment, why disagree? Cheating is cheating, telling yourself "he wont do it with me" is painting everything black and white.

And yes. What I type probably isnt nice to hear, but if it is true, you can only help yourself by recognising it. Sometimes people are helping you, even if you dont like what they say.
Original post by SonoLuma
Well, I can tell you arent reading my comments. You sounded quite bothered in your last reply, so I think thats a lie. "Read OP again" is clearly not "asking." As i'd said, I dont need to judge you, as it is quite clear what you've done and what you want out of this exchange.

Yes the world isnt black and white. Recognising the fact that you were complicit alleviates the notion of black and white. Recognising the fact that he went behind someone who trusted him's back and essentially betrayed them does the same. Trying to ignore both of those facts is both immature and useless.

You just admitted you dont know what you're asking. So how can it automatically not be constructive? If you didnt know that he was in a relationship at the time, there shouldnt be any disagreement. If you did, youre just setting yourself up. I dont know how you think that isnt constructive (oh wait, is it because its a bitter pill to swallow? That might be it.)

So, let me just confirm something. You want people to simply make you feel better? If that isnt the case and you want advice or a comment, why disagree? Cheating is cheating, telling yourself "he wont do it with me" is painting everything black and white.

And yes. What I type probably isnt nice to hear, but if it is true, you can only help yourself by recognising it. Sometimes people are helping you, even if you dont like what they say.


I think you're getting unfair flack. You made some valid points and most of what you said was reasonable.

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M/F?

Wrong you cheated but let him be with his gf.

Posted from TSR Mobile
This is weak... You're obviously not that special if he got a girlfriend, and sleeping with him while he's in a relationship does make you a bad person, no matter what people are saying. It's desperate. And even if he did get into a relationship with you, I don't doubt that he'll go sleep with someone else, and to be honest, you'd deserve it...
Original post by Anonymous
I am in or was in a very similar situation. I had a sexual relationship with a guy who had a long term gf. He was my first everything and I liked him for many years. He recently broke up with his gf and we became incredibly close physically and emotionally. However he's made it clear he doesn't want to label our relationship and wants to keep it casual. He's quite unstable emotionally.

Based on experience my advice would be to continue talking to him and seeing him. Don't overtly tell him you have feelings for him, that might make it seem like you're coming on too strong. Give him hints, talk about the good times you've had and things you've done together. Nostalgia is a powerful tool. Use it.

I know people will say its morally wrong etc but tbh its your life if you're in love with him, you're in love with him. No one owns anyone. All is fair in love and war. If you succeed in capturing his heart, he'll leave his gf for you, if not he won't. It's not like you're casually having sex with a married man.

Good luck


What is wrong with you type of people...sleeping with people who are in relationships (you are just as bad as the person cheating)...I'm sure you wouldn't be happy if this happened to you...have some ****ing respect for yourselves..
I would suggest to keep in touch with him, but not too often. Who knows what will happen in the future, both between this guy and girl and the guy and yourself? Live your life, trying not to dwell on him too much. I'm a strong believer in fate. If you two are meant to be together then at some point in the future it will happen. But don't put your life on some sort of hold for him because it might not ever happen between the two of you and you might miss out on meeting someone really special.
tbh it sounds like he isnt a good friend after all and that he was just using u for sex cos he is with someone else that he likes now but just wanted u as a bit on the side so u should get over him and u shouldnt have slept with him knowing that he has a gf its wrong and selfish and make u look desperate
Original post by Anonymous
I became really good friends with a guy in my final year of uni. We are both sociable people, he is "ladish" and good looking. We started sleeping with eachother after 6 months but we never really talked about feelings apart from saying that sleeping together was fine if we didn't get feelings at the beginning (we were already best m8s by this point)... then he started dating this girl and he effectively cheated on her a few times with me (please don't judge) and then we stopped everything and remained best friends. I never thought I had feelings for him, I was extremely sure I didn't. We have both graduated and moved home now (it has been 6 months since grad!) and live far apart. Have only seen eachother a couple times since and he is still with his gf. For some reason this past few days I have been thinking about him a lot... like I miss him and I have a feeling that it might be more than friendship for me...

I don't know what I should do... I just kind of want someone to comment on my situation.


I sort of find myself in a similar position tbh. They don't have a gf or anything, but the whole long distance love thing. Can I ask if you are male or female (I assumed male) and if so are either or the two of you out in anyway?

It could be purely plutonic for one or the both of you, sounds like it is for him at least. Not that I'm the best person to be giving advice on this (as I've never followed it myself) but I think the best thing for you would be to tell him how you feel, as scary as it seems.

Also would just like to add, some of the other replies on here are from some real ****holes. Like there is no need for the kind of attacks being given out here. (He?) is just asking for some help and advice but all some people on here seem to be able to do is attack and criticise.

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