I hit my boyfriend and now I regret it

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 years ago
#1
I know a lot of you will hate me after reading this, rightfully so. I want to start with a bit of a background. I'm not trying to justify what I did to my boyfriend by any means, but knowing the context might still be useful.

This summer, something very distressing happened to me (the details of which I won't discuss) which involved, among other things, my parents acting violent against each other. I feel like I am mentally scarred from this; sometimes I have flashbacks of that night and I am unable to do anything for a while when that happens.

Since that night my already existing anger management issues got worse. When my boyfriend does something even mildly annoying, I get uncontrollably mad to the point of screaming at him and throwing stuff around the room. I also hit him a few times. It wasn't physically damaging by any means, as I did not do it to hurt him and he is much stronger than me anyway. But still the mere fact that I hit him is enough to make him upset. I also hate myself each time I do this.

Unfortunately I've seen my mom hit my dad a few times. My dad doesn't hit her, but he has a habit of damaging objects when he is extremely mad. They also hit me a few times when I was little. It is probable that I picked up both of these bad habits from them; maybe my subconscious brain thinks it is acceptable to damage objects and loved ones even though logically I know it is very bad.

I want to stop having anger issues. Each day I feel like it is getting worse. I want to find a way to control my anger, but I find it very difficult
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shawn_o1
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#2
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#2
Well if your boyfriend is a decent person he'd forgive you if you say sorry immediately. If it helps you can explain how the family situation is getting to you as seeing people hurt each other can distress anyone. Ideally you'd appreciate that someone is able to "put up with your ****" at least once so that you become a better person
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Nerry
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#3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I want to stop having anger issues. Each day I feel like it is getting worse. I want to find a way to control my anger, but I find it very difficult
get some therapy and go to anger management, your parents being abusive is a lame excuse for you turning out the same way. the abused don't always turn into the abusers, not if you have any sense and control over your own life. sure he'll forgive you THIS TIME but continue to spiral out of control and no mans will ever go near you, you'll even end up in prison. so stop complaining and get off your ass and take control!
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Sammylou40
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#4
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(Original post by shawn_o1)
Well if your boyfriend is a decent person he'd forgive you if you say sorry immediately. If it helps you can explain how the family situation is getting to you as seeing people hurt each other can distress anyone. Ideally you'd appreciate that someone is able to "put up with your ****" at least once so that you become a better person

Wow!!! Decent person? Forgive being assaulted immediately?
Domestic violence is NEVER ok
I'm sorry that you've been through things that have made it difficult for you but there is never an excuse to put your hands on another person
I'm glad you see that you have a problem and in my opinion now is not the time to be in a relationship
For your own sake seek help for all your issues and work on yourself. Let the relationship go and when you're ok you can start again
8
ANM775
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#5
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(Original post by Sammylou40)
Wow!!! Decent person? Forgive being assaulted immediately?
Domestic violence is NEVER ok
I'm sorry that you've been through things that have made it difficult for you but there is never an excuse to put your hands on another person
I'm glad you see that you have a problem and in my opinion now is not the time to be in a relationship
For your own sake seek help for all your issues and work on yourself. Let the relationship go and when you're ok you can start again


when girls make these topics saying their bf hits them everyone on TSR says "call the police!" or "dump HIM!!!!"

but when a girl makes a topic saying she hits her boyfriend she gets comments such as "if your boyfriend is a decent person he'd forgive you"

....typical TSR [/rolleye's]
4
doodle_333
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#6
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#6
(Original post by shawn_o1)
Well if your boyfriend is a decent person he'd forgive you if you say sorry immediately. If it helps you can explain how the family situation is getting to you as seeing people hurt each other can distress anyone. Ideally you'd appreciate that someone is able to "put up with your ****" at least once so that you become a better person
If this was a girl getting hit by a guy this would NOT be the same response...

I'm not going to get into the morality of your relationship OP as you're asking for help from your perspective.

OP - the problem is probably not so much that you think violence is okay subconsciously but more that your parents do a lot to teach you how to manage your emotions and how to deal with stressors and your parents obviously haven't taught you anything useful in that department, the only thing they've demonstrated is violence...

it's good you've identified that it is a problem - what you need to do now is really commit to solving it, go to your doctor and ask for a referral to a counsellor or any charity that may help (maybe Relate would) and get in some therapy to start learning to manage your anger and deal with your family issues... you should also start trying to practice better coping strategies, this needs to be short term and long term

long term you need to manage your overall stress levels so they stay lower, exercise, eat healthy, talk about stresses etc

short term you need to start trying to leave situations when you're going to blow up so at least violence can be averted, find a list on the internet of coping strategies for anger and start trying them when you feel yourself starting to flip - it will take a lot of practice but it is possible to get a handle on it

I would also talk to your partner about what's going on and what you're trying to do about it and be honest that you understand if he wants to leave and you won't get violent with him for doing so
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Anonymous #2
#7
Report 4 years ago
#7
(Original post by Anonymous)
I know a lot of you will hate me after reading this, rightfully so. I want to start with a bit of a background. I'm not trying to justify what I did to my boyfriend by any means, but knowing the context might still be useful.

This summer, something very distressing happened to me (the details of which I won't discuss) which involved, among other things, my parents acting violent against each other. I feel like I am mentally scarred from this; sometimes I have flashbacks of that night and I am unable to do anything for a while when that happens.

Since that night my already existing anger management issues got worse. When my boyfriend does something even mildly annoying, I get uncontrollably mad to the point of screaming at him and throwing stuff around the room. I also hit him a few times. It wasn't physically damaging by any means, as I did not do it to hurt him and he is much stronger than me anyway. But still the mere fact that I hit him is enough to make him upset. I also hate myself each time I do this.

Unfortunately I've seen my mom hit my dad a few times. My dad doesn't hit her, but he has a habit of damaging objects when he is extremely mad. They also hit me a few times when I was little. It is probable that I picked up both of these bad habits from them; maybe my subconscious brain thinks it is acceptable to damage objects and loved ones even though logically I know it is very bad.

I want to stop having anger issues. Each day I feel like it is getting worse. I want to find a way to control my anger, but I find it very difficult
What you are doing is domestic violence. Even if he is stronger than you that doesn't change the fact that you are still being violent. I'm sorry you come from that background, and it's often said that many abusers were abused in the past. I am sorry that you have experienced these terrible things but what you are doing is simply criminal and you have to stop immediately. It's important that you address your own mental problems though, so therapy might help for that side.
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Polka_Specs
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#8
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#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
I know a lot of you will hate me after reading this, rightfully so. I want to start with a bit of a background. I'm not trying to justify what I did to my boyfriend by any means, but knowing the context might still be useful.

This summer, something very distressing happened to me (the details of which I won't discuss) which involved, among other things, my parents acting violent against each other. I feel like I am mentally scarred from this; sometimes I have flashbacks of that night and I am unable to do anything for a while when that happens.

Since that night my already existing anger management issues got worse. When my boyfriend does something even mildly annoying, I get uncontrollably mad to the point of screaming at him and throwing stuff around the room. I also hit him a few times. It wasn't physically damaging by any means, as I did not do it to hurt him and he is much stronger than me anyway. But still the mere fact that I hit him is enough to make him upset. I also hate myself each time I do this.

Unfortunately I've seen my mom hit my dad a few times. My dad doesn't hit her, but he has a habit of damaging objects when he is extremely mad. They also hit me a few times when I was little. It is probable that I picked up both of these bad habits from them; maybe my subconscious brain thinks it is acceptable to damage objects and loved ones even though logically I know it is very bad.

I want to stop having anger issues. Each day I feel like it is getting worse. I want to find a way to control my anger, but I find it very difficult
Ideally your BF would be forgiving enough on the first Instance , if you were to apologise. However there is no reason for you to use him as your punch bag. If the opposite was true , then we would be *****ing himself for what the repocusions might be.

Like others have said just because you hit him and not the opposite way around , doesn't make it ok.
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Miss_ma
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#9
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Listen of course if it continues the man will leave but MOST people who get abused from a young age DO become abusers because it’s called LEARNED BEHAVIOUR I literally study psychology she needs to go to therapy and find other ways to express her anger but don’t call it a lame excuse it’s not her fault!!
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wjhegasjghfjd
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Miss_ma)
Listen of course if it continues the man will leave but MOST people who get abused from a young age DO become abusers because it’s called LEARNED BEHAVIOUR I literally study psychology she needs to go to therapy and find other ways to express her anger but don’t call it a lame excuse it’s not her fault!!
this thread is from 4 years ago?
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Final Fantasy
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#11
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#11
Double standards. Yay feminism... equality, woohoo!
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Anonymous #3
#12
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#12
(Original post by Final Fantasy)
Double standards. Yay feminism... equality, woohoo!
don't bring feminism into this. the vast majority don't believe that hitting men is better than vice versa. are you going to let a minority of women with problems (and trolls!) define all women who support feminism? that's almost like saying all men are sexist pigs. hitting someone who looks to you as a safe space, regardless of gender, age or authority deserves punishment (partners hitting each other) or should be frowned upon (parents hitting kids.)
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Anonymous #3
#13
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#13
(Original post by Miss_ma)
Listen of course if it continues the man will leave but MOST people who get abused from a young age DO become abusers because it’s called LEARNED BEHAVIOUR I literally study psychology she needs to go to therapy and find other ways to express her anger but don’t call it a lame excuse it’s not her fault!!
ok and? i grew up in a house where our parents would hit (each other, us) first, then ask questions later. it gave me anger issues and the tendency to resort to violence. don't get me wrong, its not like i never lashed out. but i loved my friends enough to distance myself from them if it ever got bad. i loved my future partner enough (even though i hadn't met him then) to refrain from dating until i got my **** together. choosing to be in a relationship because you feel like your want for affection, s*x, love is more important than your partner's right to a safe relationship is selfish. it's a choice she made on her own. hold her accountable.
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Miss_ma
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#14
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#14
That’s why I said she needs to find other ways to express her anger violence is not the answer but her giving background information is not a lame excuse she’s not saying it’s she was just sharing her experience
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YaliaV123
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#15
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#15
(Original post by Miss_ma)
Listen of course if it continues the man will leave but MOST people who get abused from a young age DO become abusers because it’s called LEARNED BEHAVIOUR I literally study psychology she needs to go to therapy and find other ways to express her anger but don’t call it a lame excuse it’s not her fault!!
It is a lame excuse and why did you bump an old thread? You seem like a troll.
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