Can someone proof read this paragraph.

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ihatehannah
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The one person I would like to meet was a political and military genius who transformed the corrupt roman republic and lead the republic into a golden age of prosperity.

This person was Gaius Julius Caesar who was dictator of the roman republic in the year 47BC. He was loved by the people, but he was hated by the roman senate because they were losing the support of the people they ruled; however, the roman senate was corrupt and Rome was on the brink of destruction because of their corruption and the lack of a strong government.

Before Caesar became a dictator, he invaded the nation of Gaul (modern day Germany), and his military tactics were one of the best executed I have ever read about in any military commander. During his conquest of Gaul, he prepared to attack a fortress in Alesia; the fortress was under the command of Vercingetorix (leader of the Gallic tribes), and Caesar’s armies were surrounded and outnumbered around the fort, so chances of success in capturing the fortress seemed minuscule, yet Caesar managed to create a hole in the ground around his army two stories deep and 18km wide. This made it much harder for Caesar’s forces to be flanked from behind- this was ingenious of Caesar, yet he was still outnumbered, so he needed an even more ingenious strategy to win the battle. After days of intense battle between the enemy, he managed to send a few hundred of his cavalry behind thousands of the enemy army and this engulfed Vercingetorix’s army from both sides, the front and back. He surrendered the day after. This is just one of numerous phenomenal military victories by Caesar, more include the Battle of Pharsalus and his conquest of Egypt where he overthrew Ptolemy and put Cleopatra on the throne.
Caesar is very important to me; his accomplishments are a prime example of how ambition and perseverance are all you need to achieve all your desires. Just like how Caesar was attacked from all fronts in the Battle of Alesia, my life is full of struggles and there are times where the stress becomes unbearable, yet my perseverance gets me through the difficulties and leads me to success in all my goals I try to accomplish. Caesar’s ambitions created the foundation for the Roman Empire which dominated the globe for hundreds of years under numerous emperors.

At the dinner table, I would like to ask Caesar what influenced him to have such a profound skill in military warfare and why he was so determined to pursue a political and military career to restoring Rome to its former glory. Yet not only would I ask him that, I would also inquire how I should I deal with my adversities I come across in my life because if there is a person who understands struggle and lamentation- it is Gaius Julius Caesar.

can someone proofread this for grammatical and punctuation errors, thank you.
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lwaxanna
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I have highlighted changes made and also where you need to rephrase. But the first thing you need to do is capitalise Rome, Roman!

What is this for? Because it strikes me that unless it is a question on Caesar's strategy in beating Vercingetorex, there is far too much on that and not enough on the question of "Who you would like to meet and why?"

The one person I would have liked to have met was a political and military genius who transformed the corrupt Roman republic and led the republic into a golden age of prosperity.

This person was Gaius Julius Caesar who was dictator of the Roman republic in the year 47 BC. He was loved by the people, but he was hated by the roman senate because they were losing the support of the people they ruled; however, the roman senate was corrupt and Rome was on the brink of destruction because of their corruption and the lack of a strong government.

Before Caesar became a dictator, he invaded the nation of Gaul (modern day Germany), and his military tactics were one of the best executed I have ever read about in any military commander. During his conquest of Gaul, he prepared to attack a fortress in Alesia; the fortress was under the command of Vercingetorix (leader of the Gallic tribes), and Caesar’s armies were surrounded and outnumbered around the fort, so chances of success in capturing the fortress seemed minuscule, yet Caesar managed to create a hole in the ground around his army two stories deep and 18km wide. This made it much harder for Caesar’s forces to be flanked from behind. This was ingenious of Caesar, yet he was still outnumbered, so he needed an even more ingenious strategy to win the battle. After days of intense battle between the enemies, he managed to send a few hundred of his cavalry behind thousands of the enemy army and this engulfed Vercingetorix’s army from both sides, the front and back. He surrendered the day after. This is just one of numerous phenomenal military victories by Caesar. Others included the Battle of Pharsalus and his conquest of Egypt where he overthrew Ptolemy and put Cleopatra on the throne.
Caesar is very important to me; his accomplishments are a prime example of how ambition and perseverance are all you need to achieve all your desires. Just as Caesar was attacked from all fronts in the Battle of Alesia, my life is full of struggles and there are times where the stress becomes unbearable, yet my perseverance gets me through the difficulties and leads me to success in all my goals I try to accomplish. Caesar’s ambitions created the foundation for the Roman Empire which dominated the globe for hundreds of years under numerous emperors.

At the dinner table, I would like to ask Caesar what influenced him to have such a profound skill in military warfare and why he was so determined to pursue a political and military career to restoring Rome to its former glory. Yet not only would I ask him that, I would also inquire how I should I deal with my adversities I come across in my life because if there is a person who understands struggle and lamentation, it is Gaius Julius Caesar.
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ihatehannah
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(Original post by lwaxanna)
I have highlighted changes made and also where you need to rephrase. But the first thing you need to do is capitalise Rome, Roman!

What is this for? Because it strikes me that unless it is a question on Caesar's strategy in beating Vercingetorex, there is far too much on that and not enough on the question of "Who you would like to meet and why?"

The one person I would have liked to have met was a political and military genius who transformed the corrupt Roman republic and led the republic into a golden age of prosperity.

This person was Gaius Julius Caesar who was dictator of the Roman republic in the year 47 BC. He was loved by the people, but he was hated by the roman senate because they were losing the support of the people they ruled; however, the roman senate was corrupt and Rome was on the brink of destruction because of their corruption and the lack of a strong government.

Before Caesar became a dictator, he invaded the nation of Gaul (modern day Germany), and his military tactics were one of the best executed I have ever read about in any military commander. During his conquest of Gaul, he prepared to attack a fortress in Alesia; the fortress was under the command of Vercingetorix (leader of the Gallic tribes), and Caesar’s armies were surrounded and outnumbered around the fort, so chances of success in capturing the fortress seemed minuscule, yet Caesar managed to create a hole in the ground around his army two stories deep and 18km wide. This made it much harder for Caesar’s forces to be flanked from behind. This was ingenious of Caesar, yet he was still outnumbered, so he needed an even more ingenious strategy to win the battle. After days of intense battle between the enemies, he managed to send a few hundred of his cavalry behind thousands of the enemy army and this engulfed Vercingetorix’s army from both sides, the front and back. He surrendered the day after. This is just one of numerous phenomenal military victories by Caesar. Others included the Battle of Pharsalus and his conquest of Egypt where he overthrew Ptolemy and put Cleopatra on the throne.
Caesar is very important to me; his accomplishments are a prime example of how ambition and perseverance are all you need to achieve all your desires. Just as Caesar was attacked from all fronts in the Battle of Alesia, my life is full of struggles and there are times where the stress becomes unbearable, yet my perseverance gets me through the difficulties and leads me to success in all my goals I try to accomplish. Caesar’s ambitions created the foundation for the Roman Empire which dominated the globe for hundreds of years under numerous emperors.

At the dinner table, I would like to ask Caesar what influenced him to have such a profound skill in military warfare and why he was so determined to pursue a political and military career to restoring Rome to its former glory. Yet not only would I ask him that, I would also inquire how I should I deal with my adversities I come across in my life because if there is a person who understands struggle and lamentation, it is Gaius Julius Caesar.
Thank you so much!! The question I am answering is this http://prntscr.com/di12v0. The application is to Social Mobility Foundation
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lwaxanna
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Hmm. I still think less on that episode on more on how it affects you personally. They are trying to find out about YOU not Caesar. That is just a device. You could put Mickey Mouse in there and it wouldn't matter - as long as you were able to relate your passions, strengths, aspirations, achievements and goals to the subject. In fact, Mickey Mouse would be better - shows creative thinking!
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ihatehannah
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(Original post by lwaxanna)
Hmm. I still think less on that episode on more on how it affects you personally. They are trying to find out about YOU not Caesar. That is just a device. You could put Mickey Mouse in there and it wouldn't matter - as long as you were able to relate your passions, strengths, aspirations, achievements and goals to the subject. In fact, Mickey Mouse would be better - shows creative thinking!
this is the example for the question they gave http://prntscr.com/di1727


They put more emphasis on describing the person, rather than relate it back to their goals, achievements etc. Hmm. I'm not sure.
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lwaxanna
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(Original post by ihatehannah)
this is the example for the question they gave http://prntscr.com/di1727


They put more emphasis on describing the person, rather than relate it back to their goals, achievements etc. Hmm. I'm not sure.
Yes but look at how many of his personal qualities are described - not so much on tasks. You've spent a lot of time describing the mechanics of what Caesar did, not on his qualities.
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ihatehannah
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(Original post by lwaxanna)
Yes but look at how many of his personal qualities are described - not so much on tasks. You've spent a lot of time describing the mechanics of what Caesar did, not on his qualities.
I will amend my paragraph , thank you

oh, and could you check this paragraph as well please. The question is, what skill would you like to develop during the program


I would like to develop my ability to network, which is vital for gaining professional contacts, career advice and work experience/ internships in the future from employers, and a good way to network is to make an outstanding impression on the person you are speaking to. To develop my ability to network, I will improve the way I communicate to others and try to create a strong personal bond rather than just a professional connection with the person. During the skills and career workshops, I will take full advantage of it, ensuring that I apply all the skills I learn from these workshops. The knowledge I will gain, will ensure I have the necessary soft skills to obtain numerous professional contacts in the banking and finance industry, but I am aware of the numerous potential difficulties that may arise in this endeavor to improve my networking skills. For example, I may not ask the appropriate questions to the professional, so I may not create a good first impression. The workshops this program offers, can prepare me in the future by instructing me on what questions to ask the professional, thus allowing me to make a good first impression on the person.
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(Original post by ihatehannah)
I would like to develop my ability to network, which is vital for gaining professional contacts, career advice and work experience/ internships in the future from employers, and a good way to network is to make an outstanding impression on the person you are speaking to. To develop my ability to network, I will2 improve the way I communicate to others and try to create a strong personal bond rather than just a3 professional connection with the person. During the skills and career workshops, I will take full advantage of it,1ensuring that I apply all the skills I learn from these workshops. The knowledge I will gain, will ensure I have the necessary soft skills to obtain numerous professional contacts in the banking and finance industry4, but I am aware of the numerous potential difficulties that may arise in this endeavour to improve my networking skills. For example, I may not ask the appropriate questions to the professional, so I may not create a good first impression.5 The workshops this program offers, can prepare me in the future by instructing me on what questions to ask the professional, thus allowing me to make a good first impression on the person.6
1. Rephrase to: I am particularly looking forward to the skills and career workshops, which I hope to take full advantage of, ...

2. Hope to

3. Merely a professional connection. You don't need 'with the person'

4. I plan on applying the skills learnt to obtaining professional contacts in the finance sector, where I wish to pursue my career

5. I would start the paragraph saying: Good impressions are key to successful in the banking and finance industry;

6. You are now repeating yourself.
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(Original post by 04MR17)
1. Rephrase to: I am particularly looking forward to the skills and career workshops, which I hope to take full advantage of, ...

2. Hope to

3. Merely a professional connection. You don't need 'with the person'

4. I plan on applying the skills learnt to obtaining professional contacts in the finance sector, where I wish to pursue my career

5. I would start the paragraph saying: Good impressions are key to successful in the banking and finance industry;

6. You are now repeating yourself.
thank you! And this is the final question I need proof read, so please have a look!


I attended an insight day into banking at Barclays, where I was allocated to work in a group with eight other students. In an event of a nuclear incident, where all life on Earth was wiped out; our task was to decide which four distinct people, who all have specific skill sets (i.e. a lawyer) should be allowed into a bunker, where they would be the only ones left alive after the nuclear incident. Each student was to assume the role of their chosen profession and they had to defend why they should be allowed into the bunker over the other professions; we needed to come to an agreement on which other three people should enter the bunker.
My role within the team was to structure the group and make sure the team expressed their viewpoints in an organized and concise manner. I used my leadership skills effectively for the team to come to an agreement. I did this by making sure they were not speaking over one another, assigned a person to express their opinions, made certain everyone contributed, and I challenged the ideas of a few individuals to allow a different viewpoint and more diverse opinions, which made sure that everyone had enough information before they came to an agreement.
To improve my leadership skills in the future, I must learn to improve on my timekeeping because to complete a task within the set amount of time; I should be certain that the progress of my team is efficient as it can be.
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(Original post by ihatehannah)
thank you! And this is the final question I need proof read, so please have a look!


I attended an insight day into banking at Barclays, where I was allocated to work in a group with eight other students. In an event of a nuclear incident, where all life on Earth was wiped out; our task was to decide which four distinct people, who all have specific skill sets (i.e. a lawyer) should be allowed into a bunker, where they would be the only ones left alive after the nuclear incident. Each student was to assume the role of their chosen profession and they had to defend why they should be allowed into the bunker over the other professions; we needed to come to an agreement on which other three people should enter the bunker.
My role within the team was to structure the group and make sure the team expressed their viewpoints in an organized and concise manner. I used my leadership skills effectively for the team to come to an agreement. I did this by making sure they were not speaking over one another, assigned a person to express their opinions, made certain everyone contributed, and I challenged the ideas of a few individuals to allow a different viewpoint and more diverse opinions, which made sure that everyone had enough information before they came to an agreement.
To improve my leadership skills in the future, I must learn to improve on my timekeeping because to complete a task within the set amount of time; I should be certain that the progress of my team is efficient as it can be.
What's the question?
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ihatehannah
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(Original post by 04MR17)
What's the question?
Give an example of when you demonstrated good communication skills.
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(Original post by ihatehannah)
I attended an insight day into banking at Barclays, where I was allocated to work in a group with eight other students. In an event of a nuclear incident, where all life on Earth was wiped out; our task was to decide which four distinct people, who all have specific skill sets (i.e. a lawyer) should be allowed into a bunker, where they would be the only ones left alive after the nuclear incident. Each student was to assume the role of their chosen profession and they had to defend why they should be allowed into the bunker over the other professions; we needed to come to an agreement on which other three people should enter the bunker.4
My role within the team was to structure the group and make sure the team expressed their viewpoints in an organized1 and concise manner. I used my leadership skills effectively for the team to come to an agreement. I did this by making sure they were not speaking over one another, assigned a person to express their opinions, made certain everyone contributed, and I challenged the ideas of a few individuals to allow a different viewpoint and more diverse opinions, which made sure that everyone had enough information before they came to an agreement.2
To improve my leadership skills in the future, I must learn to improve on my timekeeping because to complete a task within the set amount of time; I should be certain that the progress of my team is efficient as it can be.3
1. Non-American spelling is preferable
2. Talk about how you facilitated effective communication within your group
3. Despite this experience, you still feel that your leadership ability has not been fully-developed, and strongly believe that the social mobility foundation's programme will be able to support your development of this important skill.
4. Too detailed. Wasting space.
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ihatehannah
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(Original post by 04MR17)
1. Non-American spelling is preferable
2. Talk about how you facilitated effective communication within your group
3. Despite this experience, you still feel that your leadership ability has not been fully-developed, and strongly believe that the social mobility foundation's programme will be able to support your development of this important skill.
4. Too detailed. Wasting space.
this may be pushing it , but could you check one more paragraph haha. This application is 10 questions long, and I want to make sure it's perfect. Thank you
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04MR17
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(Original post by ihatehannah)
this may be pushing it , but could you check one more paragraph haha. This application is 10 questions long, and I want to make sure it's perfect. Thank you
No. I've helped you enough.
Spoiler:
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Jokes. Of course. Just go through it first and make sure there are no american spellings please.
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(Original post by 04MR17)
No. I've helped you enough.
Spoiler:
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Jokes. Of course. Just go through it first and make sure there are no american spellings please.

ok haha , the question is, ' you are a product of your environment, do you agree'.



To me, this statement means that a person may be indoctrinated into a certain way of thinking because of the surroundings they are brought up in, and I strongly disagree with this assumption. Every human has their own freedom to choose their own destiny in this world, so we may be brought up surrounded by certain cultures and ideologies, but nobody can force it upon us (i.e. religion) because we are in command of our own thoughts.

Today, we have the most invaluable human right in most societies-freedom; we also have much more human rights. Most countries all around the world enforce these human rights; there is even a vital organization called the United Nations dedicated to making sure that these rights are not discarded, therefore the United Nations ensures they are fully enforced in most countries in our world today. The United Nations even has its own ' Universal Declaration of Human Rights' and there are a plethora of other articles that explain the fundamental rights of an individual such as ' all human beings are born free and equal’ (article 1). A prime example of how we are free, is the fact that we have a diverse amount of religions in a country. If we look at the past, the country’s religion was majority Christian; it was even possible to face execution if you did not follow the precepts of Christianity. Today, however, we have more religious freedom, and this is exemplified in a recent census that shows that over 25 percent of the country is not religious, so there are millions of other people practicing religions such as Islam and Judaism, reinforcing the fact that people have now the freedom to follow what they like and not be indoctrinated into having certain beliefs by their environment.

On the other hand, we may be products of our environment because despite having the fundamental rights that allow us to choose our own paths and ideologies in this world, we will always be influenced by our surroundings because that is what makes you unique and the person you are today, the knowledge you gain and your experiences all build up your personality and what you believe. This is put quite eloquently by the poet C.J. Heck who wrote "We are all products of our environment; every person we meet, every new experience or adventure, every book we read, touches and changes us, making us the unique being we are." C.J. Heck exemplifies how every individual has their own environment and life experiences, thus is what makes them unique and the person they are today.

But To summarise, we are not a product of our environment because it is up to us whether we choose to be influenced by the: people we meet, the books we read, the places we visit- nobody can enforce their own beliefs upon others. Although our environment may have specific aspects that may influence us to act in a certain way, in the end it is up to us to decide what we should, or should not believe in.
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04MR17
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Wow, an essay. OK then.
(Original post by ihatehannah)
ok haha , the question is, ' you are a product of your environment, do you agree'.
Have a quick google of "nature vs nurture"
(Original post by ihatehannah)
To me, this statement means that a person may be indoctrinated into a certain way of thinking because of the surroundings they are brought up in, and I strongly disagree with this assumption. Every human has their own freedom to choose their own destiny in this world, so we may be brought up surrounded by certain cultures and ideologies, but nobody can force it upon us (i.e. religion) because we are in command of our own thoughts.
I would start with some contextualisation. Based on your research I suggested above. Of course, the nature vs nurture argument is a regular feature of sociological debate, and it seems clear that the nurture argument has more scientific evidence behind it to quantify my support. Then use words like genetic, and innate to make it sound like you've read books on this, rather than just used a tax-dodging search engine.
(Original post by ihatehannah)
Today, we have the most invaluable human right in most societies-freedom; we also have much more human rights.
Seemingly unrelated to the question.
(Original post by ihatehannah)
Most countries all around the world enforce these human rights; there is even a vital organization called the United Nations dedicated to making sure that these rights are not discarded, therefore the United Nations ensures they are fully enforced in most countries in our world today.
Again. Totally not about products of our environment. Also, you're going too narrative. Just because Eleanor Roosevelt campaigned for this doesn't mean you need to tell me this as though you're telling me a fariry story
(Original post by ihatehannah)
The United Nations even has its own ' Universal Declaration of Human Rights' and there are a plethora of other articles that explain the fundamental rights of an individual such as ' all human beings are born free and equal’ (article 1). A prime example of how we are free, is the fact that we have a diverse amount of religions in a country.
Again. This can all be binned, due to being not at all related to your question.
(Original post by ihatehannah)
If we look at the past, the country’s religion was majority Christian; it was even possible to face execution if you did not follow the precepts of Christianity.
Brilliant! Now talk about the influence that religion had on people in those days. Then use that as evidence to argue that people are products of their own environment such as religious doctrine basing codes of societal behaviour and morality, and hence law.
(Original post by ihatehannah)
Today, however, we have more religious freedom, and this is exemplified in a recent census that shows that over 25 percent of the country is not religious, so there are millions of other people practicing religions such as Islam and Judaism, reinforcing the fact that people have now the freedom to follow what they like and not be indoctrinated into having certain beliefs by their environment.
I now see your point. But is this freedom not due to a more liberal society?
(Original post by ihatehannah)
On the other hand, we may be products of our environment because despite having the fundamental rights that allow us to choose our own paths and ideologies in this world, we will always be influenced by our surroundings because that is what makes you unique and the person you are today, the knowledge you gain and your experiences all build up your personality and what you believe.
I think the word you are looking for here is education. Also, please leave the 'rights' thing alone now.
(Original post by ihatehannah)
This is put quite eloquently by the poet C.J. Heck who wrote "We are all products of our environment; every person we meet, every new experience or adventure, every book we read, touches and changes us, making us the unique being we are." C.J. Heck exemplifies how every individual has their own environment and life experiences, thus is what makes them unique and the person they are today.
This is the exact question. You could have this bit as an introduction. But at the minute, all you're doing is saying, yes I agree with the question, because the question said so.
(Original post by ihatehannah)
But To summarise, we are not a product of our environment because it is up to us whether we choose to be influenced by the: people we meet, the books we read, the places we visit- nobody can enforce their own beliefs upon others. Although our environment may have specific aspects that may influence us to act in a certain way, in the end it is up to us to decide what we should, or should not believe in.
I would contest the phrase in italics. Are we biologically/psychologically in control over what affects us? I think not.

Out of 25, I would give this 6 maybe 7.
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ihatehannah
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(Original post by 04MR17)
Wow, an essay. OK then.Have a quick google of "nature vs nurture"I would start with some contextualisation. Based on your research I suggested above. Of course, the nature vs nurture argument is a regular feature of sociological debate, and it seems clear that the nurture argument has more scientific evidence behind it to quantify my support. Then use words like genetic, and innate to make it sound like you've read books on this, rather than just used a tax-dodging search engine.Seemingly unrelated to the question.Again. Totally not about products of our environment. Also, you're going too narrative. Just because Eleanor Roosevelt campaigned for this doesn't mean you need to tell me this as though you're telling me a fariry storyAgain. This can all be binned, due to being not at all related to your question.Brilliant! Now talk about the influence that religion had on people in those days. Then use that as evidence to argue that people are products of their own environment such as religious doctrine basing codes of societal behaviour and morality, and hence law.I now see your point. But is this freedom not due to a more liberal society?I think the word you are looking for here is education. Also, please leave the 'rights' thing alone now.This is the exact question. You could have this bit as an introduction. But at the minute, all you're doing is saying, yes I agree with the question, because the question said so.I would contest the phrase in italics. Are we biologically/psychologically in control over what affects us? I think not.

Out of 25, I would give this 6 maybe 7.
ok it's kinda crap. You're right, does not answer the question. Going to do it again.
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04MR17
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(Original post by ihatehannah)
ok it's kinda crap. You're right, does not answer the question. Going to do it again.
There are bones of an essay there. They're just surrounded by extremely thick layers of fat waffle. Cut out the fat and put some muscle on the bone
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lwaxanna
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(Original post by ihatehannah)
I will amend my paragraph , thank you

oh, and could you check this paragraph as well please. The question is, what skill would you like to develop during the program


I would like to develop my ability to network, which is vital for gaining professional contacts, career advice and work experience/ internships in the future from employers, and a good way to network is to make an outstanding impression on the person you are speaking to. To develop my ability to network, I will improve the way I communicate to others and try to create a strong personal bond rather than just a professional connection with the person. During the skills and career workshops, I will take full advantage of it, ensuring that I apply all the skills I learn from these workshops. The knowledge I will gain, will ensure I have the necessary soft skills to obtain numerous professional contacts in the banking and finance industry, but I am aware of the numerous potential difficulties that may arise in this endeavor to improve my networking skills. For example, I may not ask the appropriate questions to the professional, so I may not create a good first impression. The workshops this program offers, can prepare me in the future by instructing me on what questions to ask the professional, thus allowing me to make a good first impression on the person.
Networking is not a skill - it is the result of having numerous soft skills. Focus on communication. Written and oral, presentation style, speaking with authority. That's what enables you to network - having something to offer for which people give you something in return.
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