This discussion is closed.
Saracen's Fez
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#1
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
#1
Image

TSR Government Press Office

This thread will be used for government announcements, including appointments to government positions and minor government statements.

Items are posted here by the Speaker, on behalf of the Prime Minister and his ministers.
0
Saracen's Fez
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#2
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
#2
A reminder of the current Cabinet:

Cabinet
Cabinet of the United Kingdom

Prime Minister
Secretary of State for International Development
The Rt Hon. RayApparently MP (Lab)

Deputy Prime Minister
Secretary of State for Justice
The Rt Hon. DMcGovern MP (Soc)

Chancellor of the Exchequer
Government Chief Whip
The Rt Hon. TheDefiniteArticle MP (Lab)

Secretary of State for the Home Department and the Environment
The Rt Hon. Kay_Winters MP (Lab)

Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs
Deputy Government Whip
The Rt Hon. cranbrook_aspie MP (Soc)

Secretary of State for Defence
The Rt Hon. notneb MP (Lab)

Secretary of State for Health
The Rt Hon. JoeL1994 MP (Lab)

Secretary of State for Education
The Rt Hon. Quamquam123 MP (Lab)

Secretary of State for Transport and Infrastructure
The Rt Hon. CheeseIsVeg MP (Lab)

Chief Secretary to the Treasury
Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills
The Rt Hon. cBay MP (Soc)
0
Saracen's Fez
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#3
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
#3
The government thanks the Rt Hon. cBay, a true asset to the House and to his party, for his commendable service. We wish him the best in his future endeavors.

The government is pleased to announce that the Rt Hon. Aph MP has been appointed Chief Secretary to the Treasury and Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills.
1
adam9317
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#4
Report 3 years ago
#4
It is the view of the Government that following the discovery of the Trident malfunction in July 2016, and the cover up of this by the (real life) Prime Minister and 10 Downing Street before an important vote on renewing Trident that both an independent inquiry must be held over why Parliament was not informed of this crucial piece of information which may have informed Members of Parliament to change the way they voted.

Additionally, the Government believes that an independent inquiry must be held into the Trident nuclear deterrent itself to find out what caused the malfunction, and if in fact our nuclear deterrent is capable of being a deterrent if it misfires when tested. Regardless of political opinion on having a nuclear deterrent we must ensure Trident is viable and that the public and the international community can have confidence in it.


- Rt.Hon notneb, Secretary of State for Defence
- Rt. Hon Kay_Winters, Secretary of State for the Home Department


RayApparently
0
adam9317
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#5
Report 3 years ago
#5
In light of the recent developments with regards to Southern Rail and the London Underground (Crisis 09) the government recognises that the methods of employee-employer arbitration that the nation has relied upon to maintain smooth running of essential services has failed. We have decided that, for example, immediate nationalisation or a radical move towards devolution to London would not help address the immediate problems we face. After extensive discussions involving the Department for Transport and the Treasury, the Government has decided to legislate for an equalisation of bargaining power that will hopefully lead to the best possible outcome for all interested parties. The legislation will be presented to Parliament at the Speaker's earliest convinence. We have asked the RMT union to, as a gesture of good faith, halt their strikes until the new arbitration process is approved by Parliament. Following this, we expect to reach a clean resolution that satisfies all parties.

We ask for the patience of the RMT union and have reminded them that, should it be suggested to Southern Rail that they might fail to meet their targets under Section 3.2 of the Railways Act 2016 and therefore lose their franchise, the organisation might decide to respond to the strikes in a less than conciliatory manner. For the sake of the smooth running of our country's infrastructure, the government would not be adverse to punitive action.

But of course, it will not come to that.

To worker's rights - including those workers affected by disruption to their commute - and to a strong economy, this government remains committed.


- The Rt Hon. RayApparently MP, Prime Minister
- The Rt Hon. CheeseIsVeg MP, Secretary of State for Transport and Infrastructure
1
adam9317
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#6
Report 3 years ago
#6
In the proposed referendum on the reinstatement of the death penalty, the government has chosen to take an official campaigning position: that it must not be reinstated.


- The Rt Hon. RayApparently MP, Prime Minister
0
adam9317
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#7
Report 3 years ago
#7
The Prime Minister would like to inform you of his cabinet reshuffle
0
adam9317
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#8
Report 3 years ago
#8
A list of the up to date cabinet can be found below:







Cabinet of the United Kingdom







Prime Minister
The Rt Hon. RayApparently MP

Deputy Prime Minister, Secretary of State for Education and Deputy Government Whip
The Rt Hon. cranbrook_aspie MP

Chancellor of the Exchequer
The Rt Hon. TheDefiniteArticle MP

Secretary of State for the Home Department
The Rt Hon. Kay_Winters MP

Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs and International Development
The Rt Hon. Saracen's Fez MP

Secretary of State for Defence
The Rt Hon. notneb

Secretary of State for Energy and Environment
The Rt Hon. CoffeeAndPolitics MP

Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Transport, Infrastructure and Nationalisation
The Rt Hon. DMcGovern MP

Chief Secretary to the Treasury and Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills
The Rt Hon. Aph MP

Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport
The Rt Hon. Saoirse:3 MP

Secretary of State for Health and Government Chief Whip
The Rt Hon. Obiejess MP
0
adam9317
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#9
Report 3 years ago
#9
In response to Crisis 10, the TSR government proposes the following Prelimenary National Action Plan and invite the House to work with us in finding the best way to resolve this crisis:

1. Amend the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981 to protect key bee species.

2. Increase funding for ecological and conservation research on bees and pollination.

3. Accelerate the phasing out of peat-based compost, aiming to see them
replaced completely by the end of 2017 instead of 2020 to protect habitats.

4. Encourage a nationwide programme for breeding bees in isolation before releasing them into the wild, to be continued until the bee population is back to normal.

5. Begin a comprehensive public information campaign heavily discouraging gardeners from mowing their lawn as grass will give the bees shelter and heavily encourage gardeners etc. to plant bee-friendly seeds and grow bee-friendly plants.

6. Consult with ecology and conservation experts on possibly banning certain pesticides and reviewing the possibility of importing and introducing from abroad species that are resistant to Varroa Mite.[/list]
We intend to put forward the relevant legislation and SOIs shortly.

- The Rt Hon. CoffeeAndPolitics MP, Secretary of State for Energy and Environment
0
PetrosAC
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#10
Report 3 years ago
#10
It has been brought to our attention that the events described to HM's Government occur in the future. As such the government will seek to capture and detain the clairvoyant known as 'Nigel Farage MEP' such that the extent of his mysterious powers might be ascertained and their strategic value for preventing terror attacks or preparing for natural disasters might be assessed. And also to stop him rigging the lottery.

Furthermore, the government will take the following urgent steps:

  1. Members of the government will resolve to politely decline invitations to any future social event - especially one to celebrate the New Year - hosted by the former Speaker of the House, the Rt Hon. adam9317.
  2. The Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport (Saoirse:3) shall be apportioned funds with which to hire an exorcist to rid us of the inflatable specter, 'Green Pink'.
  3. The Secretary of State for Health (Obiejess) will look to work with the Leader of the UKIP (Unown Uzer) to implement some of his sterilization proposals - however these will extend only to the Rt Hon. Jammy Duel MP to prevent him from having the half a dozen children he clearly does not want.
  4. To prevent conversational redundancy, the government will commission the production of a t-shirt that says 'I go to Cambridge Uni <3' on it for the Foreign Secretary (Saracen's Fez). This will save time.
  5. Post-Brexit, the Rt Hon. Quamquam123 MP shall be appointed Head of the Ministry for Immigration such that he may use his abilities to recruit the best high-skilled workers from other countries to the UK.
  6. The Secretary of State for Health shall release new, highly restrictive alcohol consumption guidelines. However these will only apply to the Leader of the Opposition (mobbsy91) and the Chancellor of the Exchequer (TheDefiniteArticle).
  7. To prevent the sort of rampant and hurtful discrimination we expect to see in the future the Secretary of State for the Home Department (Kay_Winters) shall put forward legislation to include 'Toryism' to the list of protected characteristics in the Equalities Act 2010 so that slurs such as 'fake Tory' are no longer tolerated.
  8. The Secretary of State for Education (cranbrook_aspie) shall put forward proposals to abolish the Economics GCSE because it's useless. Those currently in the middle of an Economics GCSE (fleky6910) are invited to take History instead.
  9. The Secretary of State for Education will work with the Secretary of State for Justice (DMcGovern) to implement punitive penalties for poor spelling and grammar. The harshest penalties will be reserved for Parliamentarians. They will also collaborate on an extensive socialist re-education programme should the Justice Secretary ever require it.
  10. To prevent future confusion the Cabinet Secretary will draft a short memo to be posted to the Rt Hon. toronto353 MP, former Deputy Speaker. The memo shall read: "RayApparently is no longer Speaker. It's that Petros dude. Ikr."
  11. NHS-funded anger management classes will be arranged for the former Prime Minister, the Rt Hon. Life_peer MP. If he wishes to use those sessions to discuss with the psychiatrist whether or not he is a cow or helicopter then that will be his prerogative.
  12. The Secretary of State for Infrastructure (DMcGovern) will present proposals for the construction of an indestructible titanium frame to hold the Speaker, the Rt. PetrosAC, in an upright position. The Secretary of State for Energy (CoffeeAndPolitics) will look into the possibility of making it turbo-powered.
  13. With regards to the members of "the MHoC OId People's Home minibus" the government reminds the House that the previous Conservative-Liberal coalition government already legalized euthanasia.
  14. The Foreign Office and No.10 will look to procure copies of GTA VI as soon as it is released, such that members of the government are not left playing GTA V long into the future.
  15. The Prime Minister shall offer the House's only independent MP (Jammy Duel) a personal gift: a box of three of his own highly fine silk handkerchiefs in the hopes that having spares will prevent an awkward situation in the future.
  16. The former Deputy Speaker, the Rt Hon. toronto353 MP, shall be issued with an electronic ankle bracelet to make it easier for the Rt Hon. PetrosAC, to keep track of him long into the future.
  17. The news that even after 90 attempts the Rt Hon. Nigel Farage MEP MP will be unsuccessful in his bid for the Speakership of the House means that the government will withdraw its planned amendment to the Constitution to permanently bar the aforementioned from ever serving as Speaker as it is clearly redundant.
  18. The Department of Justice shall offer a minor position as a law clerk to the Rt Hon. TheDefiniteArticle MP after his stint as Chancellor of the Exchequer has drawn to a close such that so distinguished a public servant is not left languishing in unemployment.
  19. The government will consider supporting V1177 (the TSR Libertarian Party's bill to abolish civil partnerships, currently being voted on in the Division Lobby) if only to subvert the future whereby the Prime Minister and Foreign Secretary enter a civil partnership in 2030.


Mr Speaker, I am confident that the implementation of my proposals - nay, my Action Plan - will resolve this dreaded crisis before it even begins, tempering the harshest strikes of the future and giving all of us the opportunity to rewrite our destiny. I commend this statement to the House and, as I may well end up saying once more on the 5th September 2018, 'I would encourage everyone to have fun'. Thank you.

- The Rt Hon. RayApparently MP, Prime Minister


Disclaimer: The contents of this response may not be 100% serious.
0
X
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Should there be a new university admissions system that ditches predicted grades?

No, I think predicted grades should still be used to make offers (622)
33.73%
Yes, I like the idea of applying to uni after I received my grades (PQA) (776)
42.08%
Yes, I like the idea of receiving offers only after I receive my grades (PQO) (364)
19.74%
I think there is a better option than the ones suggested (let us know in the thread!) (82)
4.45%

Watched Threads

View All