My boyfriend keeps making sexual comments about other girls

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
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Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 months now and I've never been so happy but there one problem I have with him and it's that he can never take his eyes or make comments about other girls.

He tells and shows me everyday how much he loves me and I have no doubt that he doesn't but when he makes these comments about other girls I feel like I'm not that special to him. I've told him how I feel but he replies back saying he's never going to do anything with any of these girls (because he doesn't even know who they are) and I know he won't but I don't want me trusting that he won't to back fire and he will go off and I will believe he wouldn't have done anything.

I don't mind him mentioning a girl is pretty or beautiful, yea I do get jealous, but he sometimes sits there and tells me details of what he would do to them sexually and it bothers me! He is diagnosed with both ADHD and Aspergers but he is the loveliest guy I have ever met and it's only this problem that causes arguments between us both because he doesn't understand why I get upset because he tells me he's true to me but I hate telling him now that it really get's to me because I know he won't listen.

If it's the other way round and I comment that I like a guys outfit or I like his hairstyle he gets so annoyed with me and tells me I shouldn't be looking at anyone else. I don't understand why he reacts like this because he does far worse to me and I have to deal with the way he comments because he's told me he will never change so I have to get used to it.

I tell him to tone it down because it's at least 10 different girls ever day he'll comment on and I hate it! I've started to not say anything back at him now because whatever I say he gets angry about and proves a point to say he's doing nothing wrong and just looking but it doesn't help my confidence!
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Reality Check
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#2
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#2
This is a respect issue, to my mind. Your bf simply shouldn't be making continual comments about other women's attractiveness to you. It's incredibly disrespectful and demeaning.

Some people might say it's fine because he's just being open and honest with you and it's better this way than him doing it 'behind your back' so to speak. I disagree with this - it's obvious to anyone that comments like these can be incredibly hurtful and belittling , and if your bf can't understand that then he's got some serious issues with confidence and respect which need addressing. You really shouldn't feel that this is 'normal' or 'expected' behaviour someone and you should feel entirely entitled to tell him to stop and how it makes you feel.
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Drunk Punx
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#3
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#3
He is diagnosed with both ADHD and Aspergers but he is the loveliest guy I have ever met and it's only this problem that causes arguments between us both because he doesn't understand why I get upset because he tells me he's true to me but I hate telling him now that it really get's to me because I know he won't listen.

If it's the other way round and I comment that I like a guys outfit or I like his hairstyle he gets so annoyed with me and tells me I shouldn't be looking at anyone else. I don't understand why he reacts like this
"Asperger syndrome (AS), also known as Asperger's, is a developmental disorder characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction"

Maybe that's why? Just a thought.

I don't want to be part of the club whose motto is "it's not their fault, they've got x" (in other words,immediately dismissing any criticisms by excusing their behaviour, and their responsibilities, every single time by using their mental illness), but it's still something that you need to take into account.
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username2885068
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#4
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#4
Even if it is down to his conditions, you have to think about whether or not you'll be able to cope with this for another 6 months etc. If it carries on, and you get more and more frustrated, it could hurt both of you pretty badly, and you don't want that, especially when you obviously care about him.
5
cambio wechsel
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#5
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#5
(Original post by Anonymous)
he sometimes sits there and tells me details of what he would do to them sexually
Too much. He should confine himself to thinking it like the rest of us.
6
Nirvana1989-1994
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#6
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#6
Lol, ditch him, he sounds beyond irritating.
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username1339858_
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#7
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#7
Give the same answer he gives tou qhen you talk about other guys.
If he's hurting your confidence ditch him. Your mental health is more important.
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Zaliqah
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#8
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#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 months now and I've never been so happy but there one problem I have with him and it's that he can never take his eyes or make comments about other girls.

He tells and shows me everyday how much he loves me and I have no doubt that he doesn't but when he makes these comments about other girls I feel like I'm not that special to him. I've told him how I feel but he replies back saying he's never going to do anything with any of these girls (because he doesn't even know who they are) and I know he won't but I don't want me trusting that he won't to back fire and he will go off and I will believe he wouldn't have done anything.

I don't mind him mentioning a girl is pretty or beautiful, yea I do get jealous, but he sometimes sits there and tells me details of what he would do to them sexually and it bothers me! He is diagnosed with both ADHD and Aspergers but he is the loveliest guy I have ever met and it's only this problem that causes arguments between us both because he doesn't understand why I get upset because he tells me he's true to me but I hate telling him now that it really get's to me because I know he won't listen.

If it's the other way round and I comment that I like a guys outfit or I like his hairstyle he gets so annoyed with me and tells me I shouldn't be looking at anyone else. I don't understand why he reacts like this because he does far worse to me and I have to deal with the way he comments because he's told me he will never change so I have to get used to it.

I tell him to tone it down because it's at least 10 different girls ever day he'll comment on and I hate it! I've started to not say anything back at him now because whatever I say he gets angry about and proves a point to say he's doing nothing wrong and just looking but it doesn't help my confidence!
oh god.

Firstly, he shouldn't comment on girls and what he's going to do with them like that in front of you. I mean, he doesn't even want to hear what you have to say about other guys and therefore he should not expect that you must be willing to listen to him. That's just unfair.

Second, since he doesn't want to hear about your opinion then with all due respect you're going to have this problems continuosly. I suggest you think about the future and if you can cope with him in the next few months. A guy who doesn't wanna hear his girlfriend's feedback ain't gonna make you happy in the long run.

Third, I guess it's because of his mental illness but you must put yourself first before others and think about your own happiness. No boys should be allowed to make you feel insecure and hurt.

Fourth, I know you said that he is a lovable person, but people change everytime.

But really though, if he knows you are uncomfortable with him commenting on girls he should respect your decision and keep it to himself. This is very important.

But in the end, it's up to you. Just prioritise yourself before you prioritise others. You deserve to be happy and with someone who respect your thoughts and decision.

Update: Yeah, but don't focus on yourself too much like @Reality Check said. XD
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Reality Check
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#9
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#9
(Original post by Zaliqah)
But in the end, it's up to you. Just prioritise yourself before you prioritise others. You deserve to be happy and with someone who respect your thoughts and decision.
This was great until we got to the 'ME ME ME' snowflake bit. Prioritising yourself above all other often leads to quite a lonely and unhappy life. And no-one 'deserves' to be happy. It's not a right.
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Zaliqah
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Reality Check)
This was great until we got to the 'ME ME ME' snowflake bit. Prioritising yourself above all other often leads to quite a lonely and unhappy life. And no-one 'deserves' to be happy. It's not a right.
Well...I guess you shouldn't be too overboard with it sorry about that
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#11
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#11
(Original post by Zaliqah)
Well...I guess you shouldn't be too overboard with it sorry about that
- don't apologise, it's entirely your right to hold that opinion. I just disagree vehemently with it!
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#12
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#12
(Original post by Reality Check)
This was great until we got to the 'ME ME ME' snowflake bit. Prioritising yourself above all other often leads to quite a lonely and unhappy life. And no-one 'deserves' to be happy. It's not a right.
In the context of a relationship, you do of course have to prioritise your own happiness. You don't owe the other person your affection, and if the relationship is having a net negative effect on your happiness, you shouldn't continue with it simply out of a sense of duty to the other person. You do have a right to pursue your own happiness.

Of course that doesn't mean being selfish whilst in the relationship, selflessness can make both people in a relationship happier, but it's a give-and-take in which both people play a part, and ideally from which both people gain a net benefit.
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#13
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#13
(Original post by Lavaridge)
In the context of a relationship, you do of course have to prioritise your own happiness. You don't owe the other person your affection, and if the relationship is having a net negative effect on your happiness, you shouldn't continue with it simply out of a sense of duty to the other person. You do have a right to pursue your own happiness.

Of course that doesn't mean being selfish whilst in the relationship, selflessness can make both people in a relationship happier, but it's a give-and-take in which both people play a part, and ideally from which both people gain a net benefit.
Totally agree with that!
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SMEGGGY
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#14
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#14
(Original post by Anonymous)
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 months now and I've never been so happy but there one problem I have with him and it's that he can never take his eyes or make comments about other girls.

He tells and shows me everyday how much he loves me and I have no doubt that he doesn't but when he makes these comments about other girls I feel like I'm not that special to him. I've told him how I feel but he replies back saying he's never going to do anything with any of these girls (because he doesn't even know who they are) and I know he won't but I don't want me trusting that he won't to back fire and he will go off and I will believe he wouldn't have done anything.

I don't mind him mentioning a girl is pretty or beautiful, yea I do get jealous, but he sometimes sits there and tells me details of what he would do to them sexually and it bothers me! He is diagnosed with both ADHD and Aspergers but he is the loveliest guy I have ever met and it's only this problem that causes arguments between us both because he doesn't understand why I get upset because he tells me he's true to me but I hate telling him now that it really get's to me because I know he won't listen.

If it's the other way round and I comment that I like a guys outfit or I like his hairstyle he gets so annoyed with me and tells me I shouldn't be looking at anyone else. I don't understand why he reacts like this because he does far worse to me and I have to deal with the way he comments because he's told me he will never change so I have to get used to it.

I tell him to tone it down because it's at least 10 different girls ever day he'll comment on and I hate it! I've started to not say anything back at him now because whatever I say he gets angry about and proves a point to say he's doing nothing wrong and just looking but it doesn't help my confidence!
You serious? He thinks it's fine to be with his gf and say he'd **** other girls?

OK, do this if you've not. Get a picture of a fit guy you like, when you're all cosy with him, say secual stuff about this guy, how uou want his nob right up your pussy, you'd let him *** in your mouth (you get the jist) be as crude as him and watch his reaction. Repeat all the things he does if he's offended (unless he's a cuckhold)

He'll stop

EDIT

Just read it all, you say he has Aspergers maybe that's why. But it's no excuse. Tell him to stop or you'll keep saying it about guys which you say upsets him.

Posted from TSR Mobile
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SMEGGGY
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#15
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#15
(Original post by Reality Check)
This was great until we got to the 'ME ME ME' snowflake bit. Prioritising yourself above all other often leads to quite a lonely and unhappy life. And no-one 'deserves' to be happy. It's not a right.
But being a hypocrite is worse. Saying sexual things but when reciprocated it's offensive all of a sudden.

Posted from TSR Mobile
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999tigger
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#16
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#16
(Original post by Anonymous)
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 months now and I've never been so happy but there one problem I have with him and it's that he can never take his eyes or make comments about other girls.

He tells and shows me everyday how much he loves me and I have no doubt that he doesn't but when he makes these comments about other girls I feel like I'm not that special to him. I've told him how I feel but he replies back saying he's never going to do anything with any of these girls (because he doesn't even know who they are) and I know he won't but I don't want me trusting that he won't to back fire and he will go off and I will believe he wouldn't have done anything.

I don't mind him mentioning a girl is pretty or beautiful, yea I do get jealous, but he sometimes sits there and tells me details of what he would do to them sexually and it bothers me! He is diagnosed with both ADHD and Aspergers but he is the loveliest guy I have ever met and it's only this problem that causes arguments between us both because he doesn't understand why I get upset because he tells me he's true to me but I hate telling him now that it really get's to me because I know he won't listen.

If it's the other way round and I comment that I like a guys outfit or I like his hairstyle he gets so annoyed with me and tells me I shouldn't be looking at anyone else. I don't understand why he reacts like this because he does far worse to me and I have to deal with the way he comments because he's told me he will never change so I have to get used to it.

I tell him to tone it down because it's at least 10 different girls ever day he'll comment on and I hate it! I've started to not say anything back at him now because whatever I say he gets angry about and proves a point to say he's doing nothing wrong and just looking but it doesn't help my confidence!
He isnt going to change. You can live with having aspergers or you cant...
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Anonymous #2
#17
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#17
he doesn't seem to care much, the love comments are just to keep you sweet. when you're young AND have Aspergers, its likely he'll be this way for a while. its up to you whether you want to accept it or not but theres not much you can do to change it
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username1726117
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#18
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#18
Reading these replies I don't think people quite understand what Aspergers is or if they've even read the OP properly.

Whilst I can certainly understand why you are upset about this (I would be exactly the same if my partner said as much), you've really got to consider his mental health here. Is he getting treatment/support? Maybe someone in the professional field can help him understand why this isn't acceptable in the context of a relationship.

If you want to remain together, which it appears as if you do, then I suggest either seeking professional help or continuing to get him to see what he's doing wrong. Completely shut him down the moment he opens his mouth on such a topic, for example.
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sarhz
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#19
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#19
(Original post by Anonymous)
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 months now and I've never been so happy but there one problem I have with him and it's that he can never take his eyes or make comments about other girls.

He tells and shows me everyday how much he loves me and I have no doubt that he doesn't but when he makes these comments about other girls I feel like I'm not that special to him. I've told him how I feel but he replies back saying he's never going to do anything with any of these girls (because he doesn't even know who they are) and I know he won't but I don't want me trusting that he won't to back fire and he will go off and I will believe he wouldn't have done anything.
Oh my goodness, I have had this! Except my boyfriend never told me he loved me because he had 'issues' with the word (completely understandable - if a bit heartbreaking every now and then). You're right - it's not that he tells you nothing will ever happen, it's the precipice. The fact that he's thinking about these girls in such a sexual way suggests that there is the potential, as far as I'm concerned. I recently went through a similar experience where someone I thought loved me blah blah ended up kissing another girl "in the heat of the moment" but "that would never have happened if we'd actually been together [in a relationship]." Right?!

Stick to your guns, girl! If this is bothering you, don't ever shy away from telling him about it. There should be a balance between the two of you in a relationship: if you're not allowed to talk about other guys in the same way as he talks about girls, then there's an imbalance of the dreaded 'power' pendulum. This is unfair.


[QUOTE=Anonymous;69049970I tell him to tone it down because it's at least 10 different girls ever day he'll comment on and I hate it! I've started to not say anything back at him now because whatever I say he gets angry about and proves a point to say he's doing nothing wrong and just looking but it doesn't help my confidence![/QUOTE]

LITERALLY ME! In the end with my boyfriend at the time, I just stopped voicing my opinion and how I was feeling. This became soul-destroying. I felt like I couldn't speak my mind to him, couldn't talk to him, because he wouldn't understand or would get fed up of my whining. That's wrong. Like, wayyyyy wrong. You should be open to communication AT ALL TIMES. It's a two-way system. The self-help books are right with that one, because ultimately your own well-being is priority. If you're not happy in your relationship because it's making you unhappy about yourself, then that's not a good place to be.

Breaking up with my boyfriend was horrible - there's no avoiding pain, no matter the type of relationship. But nowadays, I'm so relieved I did. I don't feel suppressed, I don't feel embarrassed for thinking how I did/how I do, and now I'm stronger for it because next time around with a guy I know to talk to them and make sure that they understand and act on that realisation; otherwise, they're not the guy for me.



Well, hope that helps! (And isn't too 'anti-guy')
Good luck!
Sarah
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john2054
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#20
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#20
(Original post by Anonymous)
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 months now and I've never been so happy but there one problem I have with him and it's that he can never take his eyes or make comments about other girls.

He tells and shows me everyday how much he loves me and I have no doubt that he doesn't but when he makes these comments about other girls I feel like I'm not that special to him. I've told him how I feel but he replies back saying he's never going to do anything with any of these girls (because he doesn't even know who they are) and I know he won't but I don't want me trusting that he won't to back fire and he will go off and I will believe he wouldn't have done anything.

I don't mind him mentioning a girl is pretty or beautiful, yea I do get jealous, but he sometimes sits there and tells me details of what he would do to them sexually and it bothers me! He is diagnosed with both ADHD and Aspergers but he is the loveliest guy I have ever met and it's only this problem that causes arguments between us both because he doesn't understand why I get upset because he tells me he's true to me but I hate telling him now that it really get's to me because I know he won't listen.

If it's the other way round and I comment that I like a guys outfit or I like his hairstyle he gets so annoyed with me and tells me I shouldn't be looking at anyone else. I don't understand why he reacts like this because he does far worse to me and I have to deal with the way he comments because he's told me he will never change so I have to get used to it.

I tell him to tone it down because it's at least 10 different girls ever day he'll comment on and I hate it! I've started to not say anything back at him now because whatever I say he gets angry about and proves a point to say he's doing nothing wrong and just looking but it doesn't help my confidence!
Try to rise above it. Give him a slap, that should wake him up. Assuming he won't hit you back??
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