Turn on thread page Beta
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    it's almost another day,
    when we'd smile and look at that same moon,
    that same smile, which would frown down,
    and say goodnight.
    It was another tear which my heart would let go,
    frozen from the warmth of your heart.
    keeping the smiles alive.
    when I’d lie away, another story.
    writing in that book.
    Natures diary, it shutting. as the words fade down.
    all eyes drooping.
    It's another day when I'd miss you,
    being under this sky.
    this love encapsulating me.
    protecting me, closer to me
    from you to me.
    it's today.
    my eyes closing on this world.
    people stirring outside my window.
    Little people, little lives.
    feelings, as mine fade and rest,
    as I sleep.
    they wake and walk amongst the living,
    which you do too.
    but yet, my dreams keep on flowing,
    hiding me away from the simplicity.
    simplicity of saying good night,
    as the moon says farewell to the sun
    and the sun rises and smiles across the golden earth,
    I rest and sleep with the moon rays
    as we both say
    good night to our suns.
    Offline

    4
    ReputationRep:
    You're really good at writing poems. I'm not sure I fully understood everything in this one but I enjoyed reading it nonetheless.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I completely love "I rest and sleep with the moon rays as we both say good night to our suns". It's just one of those phrases that is just wow and completely conveys the sense of separation etc.

    I like constructive criticism for my poems and if you're the same read the next bit, but if not just ignore it, because it is a great poem!

    I know it's picky, and probably just a typo, but shouldn't "Nature's diary" have an apostrophe because it's possessive?
    Also, what is the reasoning behind the capitalising some things and not others? Consistency might help a bit, but if there is a reason behind the randomness I'd be interested to hear it!

    I really like the ending and the beginning sets a good mood etc., but I felt a little like the lines from "It's another day when I'd miss you" to "people stirring outside my window" are a little less sharp, kind of lost me a bit there. With a poem without stanzas, you need to make sure you keep the attention of the reader and it just wandered a little bit there I felt (but I'm no expert of course ). Not really sure what you could do to change it though, just my opinion.

    But I did definitely like it a lot!
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    I fell asleep.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    I love it. Your poems are really good.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by thegreatprocrastinator)
    I fell asleep.
    Why can't you just keep quiet if all you have to say is negative and uninspiring?

    What an arse.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by thegreatprocrastinator)
    I fell asleep.
    may I ask why?

    (Original post by Becca <3.)
    Why can't you just keep quiet if all you have to say is negative and uninspiring?

    What an arse.
    and thank you becca <3
    Offline

    13
    Almost brought a tear to my eye
    Your poems are beautiful HB just like you
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by herbal bug)
    and thank you becca <3
    S'ok

    Just like Lilian said though, you're a great poet. I've liked all your stuff; it's original and unique. Do keep going won't you.

    Becca <3.
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Becca <3.)
    Why can't you just keep quiet if all you have to say is negative and uninspiring?

    What an arse.

    Criticism is not always positive. Good day.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by thegreatprocrastinator)
    Criticism is not always positive. Good day.
    Of course it's not; I don't expect it to be. I'm not saying you need to do a song and dance for her, and tell her you loved her poem, when you clearly didn't.

    It's just.. hmm I think HistoryBoys once said it to you:

    "Criticism is meant to be constructive, not destructive."

    Wouldn't you agree?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Becca <3.)
    Of course it's not; I don't expect it to be. I'm not saying you need to do a song and dance for her, and tell her you loved her poem, when you clearly didn't.

    It's just.. hmm I think HistoryBoys once said it to you:

    "Criticism is meant to be constructive, not destructive."

    Wouldn't you agree?
    I agree
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Becca <3.)
    Of course it's not; I don't expect it to be. I'm not saying you need to do a song and dance for her, and tell her you loved her poem, when you clearly didn't.

    It's just.. hmm I think HistoryBoys once said it to you:

    "Criticism is meant to be constructive, not destructive."

    Wouldn't you agree?
    My comment wasn't 'destructive,' it only became 'destructive' by the interpruter.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by thegreatprocrastinator)
    My comment wasn't 'destructive,' it only became 'destructive' by the interpruter.
    I'm quite obviously, wasting my breath.

    By the way; I think you meant "interpreter".
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    What a lovely poem. Makes you feel that no mater how far you are from the person/people you love they still with you through the "sun".

    A little like a thing people do when serparated.: look up at the sun and know that the other person is doing the same.
 
 
 
Poll
Black Friday: Yay or Nay?
Useful resources

Quick link:

Unanswered creative corner threads

Groups associated with this forum:

View associated groups

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.