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Sky's Recovery Journal

Updated Description (2017/05/28)

Hi! Yo. Hello. You've probably seen me around here ranting about Fire Emblem Awakening or being Welsh. It happens. 'Sup?

So originally, this was a 30-Day Challenge to improve myself based on the many other people have done so far. Five months later, this obviously has not happened - so the journey continues until I'm done (probably in September).

I started this challenge because of a lot of things that have happened in my life I initially didn't know how to deal with. I'll, uh, put a little trigger tag here if you really feel like knowing the grim details.

Spoiler



It's been nearly five years since then, and I've recognised I am nowhere near as okay or strong as I want to be, and in fact haven't been for a long time.

I am starting university in September and throughout this journal you will see the many twists, turns and internal struggles that have come with preparing for this, and some things about myself and my past that I've had to deal with.

This isn't a call for sympathy, though I appreciate it, it's more a record of my own path to happiness, whatever that may look or be like.

This is my journal to recovering, being someone I myself can respect, not being weighed down by everything that's happened before this, and coming to conclusions about where I'm headed.

If you feel like carrying forward by all means - I appreciate every single bit of support that helps me on this path til September :yep:
(edited 6 years ago)

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Original post by SkyRees
Yeah, yeah. Original, I know. Sue me. :P

TW

Spoiler



Well, anyway. This challenge is a little different for me because I'm adding my own aims and conditions to get my [redacted] in order going into the new year.

1.

To become decisive on a university decision and start preparing. If you know me you have probably seen me asking about every subject under the sun. I'm done with that, I want to make my mind up and go for it.

2.

To start prioritising myself and my mental health. That is, stop thinking about relationships, the future, survivor's guilt etc and open up about what I feel. If y'don't like that I'm sorry, but I think it'll help.

3.

To be thankful for things. I take too much for granted.

4.

What I'm looking forward to; the future needs to be bright.



So yeah; that's my rambling done. Really hoping to make some legitimate progress after so long stagnating in nothingness. I hope some of you will join me on this yourself, and if you're doing this challenge personally - good luck to you! :smile:

By the way: anything likely to necessitate TW'ing will be put in spoiler frames, along with the note "TW".


You have been through a lot so far :console:

Good luck with this :smile:
Subscribing. Sounds like you've been through the mill :frown: Those are some very good aims that you are heading towards though :smile: Good luck and will be following with interest :h:
Original post by SeanFM
You have been through a lot so far :console:

Good luck with this :smile:


Hey, I'm sure people have it much worse than I. Just gotta keep going, thank you :smile:

DAY 1

Uni: Haven't made a lot of headway. Leaning more towards History knowing I have offers already, but can't shake the fear it might not be useful for anything. Still considering a scientific path through Extra; this might take time.

TW

Spoiler


Thankfulness:
I got to perform my favourite song today. I heard things about my ex and didn't get sad. I got some good coffee. I saw a robin. I caught my favourite Pokemon again today. I won a game of Rocket League. I saw a really beautiful harp in a store, I think it's called a Venus. I WANT 10.
Am I doing this right D:

Looking Ahead:
Christmas is in a couple of days, getting to play games with my uncle again. Looking forward to performing in the Christmas Festival. The New Year should be soon and hopefully going in full force. I get to go to Ireland again next week, I love it there. Uhm...I can't think of anything else.
Again pls tell me if I'm doing this right idk what I'm doing ^^'
Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd
Subscribing. Sounds like you've been through the mill :frown: Those are some very good aims that you are heading towards though :smile: Good luck and will be following with interest :h:


Well, support like this really helps. I was afraid that doing this would attract people calling it stupid or something, thank you for helping though :h:
Original post by SkyRees
Well, support like this really helps. I was afraid that doing this would attract people calling it stupid or something, thank you for helping though :h:


There are some silly muppets on TSR but hopefully they will keep well away. It's not stupid at all! :nah: Random question but do you play harp or just like harps? I'd love to play the harp (I played piano and violin, standard South Asian combo :nopity: ) :gah:

I hope this is not prying but have you had any professional help to help you process what happened with your fiancee? Well with everything, tbh? :frown:

:hugs:
Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd
There are some silly muppets on TSR but hopefully they will keep well away. It's not stupid at all! :nah: Random question but do you play harp or just like harps? I'd love to play the harp (I played piano and violin, standard South Asian combo :nopity: ) :gah:

I hope this is not prying but have you had any professional help to help you process what happened with your fiancee? Well with everything, tbh? :frown:

:hugs:


Hm, well I just thought it was the best thing to do; I don't usually open up but this might have been my problem. :smile:
Haha, I do play the harp! Have done since I was about 4, I love it. That's an impressive combo though! I've tried with violin but it's very difficult, I have respect for anyone that can play it ^^

No, no; don't worry about prying. I said I'd be more open, as long as I'm not coming across as pity-seeking. I should be honest, this happened a number of years ago, and although my GPs gave me some brief PTSD medication and counselling, neither were effective and they sorta gave up :frown: That must've been...2012-13? Then I started dating someone else and my problems weren't so bad for a bit. That ended in June 2016, and with a lot of unresolved problems I went back a second time, but they said it happened so long ago they weren't convinced I had a problem.
Original post by SkyRees
Hm, well I just thought it was the best thing to do; I don't usually open up but this might have been my problem. :smile:
Haha, I do play the harp! Have done since I was about 4, I love it. That's an impressive combo though! I've tried with violin but it's very difficult, I have respect for anyone that can play it ^^

No, no; don't worry about prying. I said I'd be more open, as long as I'm not coming across as pity-seeking. I should be honest, this happened a number of years ago, and although my GPs gave me some brief PTSD medication and counselling, neither were effective and they sorta gave up :frown: That must've been...2012-13? Then I started dating someone else and my problems weren't so bad for a bit. That ended in June 2016, and with a lot of unresolved problems I went back a second time, but they said it happened so long ago they weren't convinced I had a problem.


Opening up is good for the soul. I'm so appalled by that last sentence you wrote. I'm outraged on your behalf that they said that to you :mad: And ngl am baffled too: surely the whole point of PTSD is that the issues are still there many years later?! :dontknow: Was this the same GP your originally saw in 2012-13? :frown:

ZOMG, sooo envious of your harp playing right now. That is amazing. It's just such a beautiful instrument :moon: Ah, I said I can play violin but I didn't say I play it well :teehee: Def more of a pianist :ninja: Not that I play either anymore, but still :ninja:
Original post by SkyRees
Hey, I'm sure people have it much worse than I. Just gotta keep going, thank you :smile:

DAY 1

Uni: Haven't made a lot of headway. Leaning more towards History knowing I have offers already, but can't shake the fear it might not be useful for anything. Still considering a scientific path through Extra; this might take time.

TW

Spoiler


Thankfulness:
I got to perform my favourite song today. I heard things about my ex and didn't get sad. I got some good coffee. I saw a robin. I caught my favourite Pokemon again today. I won a game of Rocket League. I saw a really beautiful harp in a store, I think it's called a Venus. I WANT 10.
Am I doing this right D:

Looking Ahead:
Christmas is in a couple of days, getting to play games with my uncle again. Looking forward to performing in the Christmas Festival. The New Year should be soon and hopefully going in full force. I get to go to Ireland again next week, I love it there. Uhm...I can't think of anything else.
Again pls tell me if I'm doing this right idk what I'm doing ^^'


It's admirable how you re keeping going :smile: uni decisions take time there's still time to make them. I love the sound of harp music :smile:
Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd
Opening up is good for the soul. I'm so appalled by that last sentence you wrote. I'm outraged on your behalf that they said that to you :mad: And ngl am baffled too: surely the whole point of PTSD is that the issues are still there many years later?! :dontknow: Was this the same GP your originally saw in 2012-13? :frown:

ZOMG, sooo envious of your harp playing right now. That is amazing. It's just such a beautiful instrument :moon: Ah, I said I can play violin but I didn't say I play it well :teehee: Def more of a pianist :ninja: Not that I play either anymore, but still :ninja:


One would think; I, um...kinda saw it happen. So y'know, I wouldn't have thought these things fade easily? And I saw four different GPs across Crawley (my current town) and they all had the same kinda attitude. Seems GPs around here don't really know/care to deal with mental difficulties, only the physical D: Am hoping wherever I end up for uni will have a better load of GPs ^^'

I'm jealous of your piano skill though! There are so many times I need a piano in my orchestrations (I do a lot on Youtube as stress relief), it'd be so much easier to just pick up and record :tongue: Do you not play it much anymore? I had the wrong idea about PhD music, thought you would've required it more than ever!:woo:
Ooh, harp!

Sorry you've been through all that, having experienced a tiny bit of one of them I can't even imagine what that must be like. Can definitely understand survivors guilt but we're all very glad you survived even if you're not. But yeah, basically what TLG said- good luck, will be watching your progress with interest! :woo:

Edit: just remembered why I even posted :facepalm: but of course you're doing it right! The idea is people can do it however they want, and so far this is amazing. You're so brave!
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by claireestelle
It's admirable how you re keeping going :smile: uni decisions take time there's still time to make them. I love the sound of harp music :smile:


Thank you! I don't know, I might be sad as hell but giving up just makes nothing better, I feel :smile:
I guess I feel pressure about uni considering this is my second time going through it with uncertainty, you know? But you are right, the UCAS year is young still.

Ah, well if you want me to play something sometime let me know :smile:
Original post by SkyRees
Thank you! I don't know, I might be sad as hell but giving up just makes nothing better, I feel :smile:
I guess I feel pressure about uni considering this is my second time going through it with uncertainty, you know? But you are right, the UCAS year is young still.

Ah, well if you want me to play something sometime let me know :smile:


You've 8 months realistically to make a choice and to be honest there aren't many decisions that you ll be 100% on you just have to make the one that feels best at the time really:smile: but understandably it's one you re feeling pressure to make, I find pros and cons list a helpful way to see decisions more logically.
Original post by SkyRees
One would think; I, um...kinda saw it happen. So y'know, I wouldn't have thought these things fade easily? And I saw four different GPs across Crawley (my current town) and they all had the same kinda attitude. Seems GPs around here don't really know/care to deal with mental difficulties, only the physical D: Am hoping wherever I end up for uni will have a better load of GPs ^^'

I'm jealous of your piano skill though! There are so many times I need a piano in my orchestrations (I do a lot on Youtube as stress relief), it'd be so much easier to just pick up and record :tongue: Do you not play it much anymore? I had the wrong idea about PhD music, thought you would've required it more than ever!:woo:


Oh gosh, that's awful that you've seen four different GPs and they were all so ignorant :mad: I'm so sorry that you've been treated like this. It's not fair and it's not right :no:

Ah PhDs in music tend to be more on the theory/history side than the playing side, though one can technically get a PhD in performance I think... I had a breakdown in my first degree and haven't really played at all since :no:
Original post by claireestelle
You've 8 months realistically to make a choice and to be honest there aren't many decisions that you ll be 100% on you just have to make the one that feels best at the time really:smile: but understandably it's one you re feeling pressure to make, I find pros and cons list a helpful way to see decisions more logically.


Yeah, you're definitely right :smile: Mind you, it's just that my two favourite places in the world are Wales and Ireland, picking between them is very difficult. And I'm from the North as well, I'm not all that sure what Cardiff is like. 8 months is enough time to travel and see, though :smile:

Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd
Oh gosh, that's awful that you've seen four different GPs and they were all so ignorant :mad: I'm so sorry that you've been treated like this. It's not fair and it's not right :no:

Ah PhDs in music tend to be more on the theory/history side than the playing side, though one can technically get a PhD in performance I think... I had a breakdown in my first degree and haven't really played at all since :no:


Hey, it's okay. I appreciate your concern but I think if I survived this long without their help I must be able to keep going, right? I don't know how much having a girlfriend after that was helping, but I must be doing fine without now at least. ^^'

Ah...my bad. I'm sorry to hear about that, I hope you find your passion to again; I know the catharsis playing can have :hugs:
Original post by SkyRees
Yeah, you're definitely right :smile: Mind you, it's just that my two favourite places in the world are Wales and Ireland, picking between them is very difficult. And I'm from the North as well, I'm not all that sure what Cardiff is like. 8 months is enough time to travel and see, though :smile:


Plenty of time for travelling indeed,I ve only been to Cardiff once but I did quite like it. The plus side is whichever you choose you can get the ferry to visit the other :smile:
Original post by claireestelle
Plenty of time for travelling indeed,I ve only been to Cardiff once but I did quite like it. The plus side is whichever you choose you can get the ferry to visit the other :smile:


Ah yes, there's a port in Ireland called Bangor I've never forgotten because I keep confusing it with my hometown, Bangor :') But still, that helps a lot so thank you :smile:
Original post by SkyRees
Ah yes, there's a port in Ireland called Bangor I've never forgotten because I keep confusing it with my hometown, Bangor :':wink: But still, that helps a lot so thank you :smile:


with the same spelling I can understand the confusion:tongue:
Original post by furryface12
Ooh, harp!

Sorry you've been through all that, having experienced a tiny bit of one of them I can't even imagine what that must be like. Can definitely understand survivors guilt but we're all very glad you survived even if you're not. But yeah, basically what TLG said- good luck, will be watching your progress with interest! :woo:

Edit: just remembered why I even posted :facepalm: but of course you're doing it right! The idea is people can do it however they want, and so far this is amazing. You're so brave!


Sorry! Never got the notification for this one ;-;

Thank you for the support! I honestly didn't expect so many people to...yknow, care, but it's really lovely to see so thank you :smile:

DAY 2


Uni: Visited Cardiff today for the first time. It’s a really beautiful place, although the slightly metropolitan edge is a bit exhausting for someone getting anxious over being near more than 4 people. The university itself is even more beautiful in person; wish I’d gotten to see it a bit more, but such is the reality of going on Christmas Eve Eve. It’s beautiful, but I still have a rather foggy memory of Belfast and loving it as well. I asked about on forums a little and it seems Cardiff is infinitely better for History -> Law, although Belfast has a course specifically for that. I’m willing to concede History is what I’ll end up doing, and it’s not like I don’t enjoy it. It’s too late for anything scientific/medical. If nothing else I'm not discarding Cardiff immediately, but until I see Belfast properly as well I can't really say yet.

TW; Generally depressing. More like a venting session than actual progress.

Spoiler



Thankfulness: I got to make better friends with a few people on TSR. I got to leave Crawley for a little bit, even if it sucks coming back. I managed to start working on a piano medley for Tales of the Abyss after years of putting it off. My phone somehow survived the whole day (even with 35 TSR notification emails). I felt something akin to attraction after, what, 6 months? I thought that emotion was dead so to see it’s still alive and pesky as ever is something. Found out the robin I saw yesterday seems to now be living in our garden.

Looking Forward: Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and that means getting to see some family members again; I’m going to obliterate my uncle at Mario Kart. I don’t have a lot more to add other than that.


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