Will this no sex situation be the end of our relationship?

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yo it's Christmas ya'll. Let's all just get along.

Both of you make good points.

I know she isn't cheating, I know that she loves me.

I understand that I do not have a right to have sex with her just because she is my gf, but if she is an individual who can be in a relationship without sex and be happy, then I feel like that it something which should be brought up before 8 months have passed.

I know she enjoys sex when we have it, she would be an Oscar winning actress if otherwise.

Thanks for both of your responses.

You should look for any underlying reasons. Might just be stress on her part or she has gone off you. make a reasonable effort, enjoy Christmas, and then decide after.

If she isnt keen or wont talk then as you are both young I would start plan an exit.

Reply 41

indigofox

Original post by DarthRoar

Is putting effort into a relationship 'a job to be done'?

She doesn't see him as attractive any more, or even high value, so she just doesn't 'feel' like having sex anymore. If he seems to become more attractive, more high value, then she will be more attracted, and want to have sex more.

I'm not making it about jobs to be done, this is basic psychology.

Well no but there are many ways to put effort into a relationship. Basic being the key word here, people are not basic. By 'high value' you seem to be talking about respect but what you are ignoring is that her sexual feelings are not just the result of her views on him but what's going on in her life/mind and body too. It may be that she just was never that keen on sex (some people are just not), op said that in the past that she would want to skip foreplay and just get Intercourse done. Everyone is on their best behaviour at the start of relationships you do try a lot to please your partner but then true personalities start to show. Maybe they are just not compatable there are some guys out there with lower sex drives and girls with higher sex drives for the Op. I can see how upsetting it must be to need sex but not get it, I just think these things should be worked on first and compromises made. People leave relationships and go from one to the other searching for the perfect partner all their life because they don't have the brain to consider reasons behind behaviour nor think that they should compromise. It doesn't seem like OP is one of these people and sounds like he has tried but I'm talking in general.

Reply 42

Robb_D

I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply, it's good to get other people's perspective.

I will defiantly will talk this out with her after Christmas.

If things don't go smoothly then I think it will be time to move on. I'm not naive enough to believe she is my "soul mate" or anything like that. I think we'll both become unhappier the longer we leave it.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Reply 43

Conservationofmass

Original post by Robb_D

And on a lighter note... Merry christmas.
Don't spend to much on her btw

Reply 44

DarthRoar

Original post by indigofox

Maybe they are just not compatible.

Agreed.

Original post by Robb_D

I will defiantly will talk this out with her after Christmas.

Just remember actions talk louder than words. If she has been seeming disillusioned over the past while, a little chit chat shan't change it. An actual change, however, may change things. Perhaps suggest moving out.

Reply 45

Trinculo

Original post by Robb_D

You've already had the talk and she wasn't interested.

Reply 46

doodle_333

Sounds like this is an issue which has been present from the start, she just didn't feel confident to say no at first but now you live together she feels she can say what she feels.

It's worth having a chat with her from the perspective of 'is there anything making you feel uncomfortable or that I can do to make you feel more like sex' rather than a 'I'm not happy' chat - just see if you get anywhere e.g. body image issues etc.

Further than that you have to decide what you can both put up with - it would be worth her going to the GP if she is unhappy with the situation, wanting to have sex once a month after 8 months isn't really 'normal' (in the average sense) - but if she's happy with the status quo then you can't force her to change it and will have to decide if the relationship is one you're happy to continue or whether you're just too mismatched.

Reply 47

Judge Jules

Original post by Robb_D

You are entitled to have sex with your girlfriend
If she does not put out on Christmas day then something is seriously wrong
Or if you don't want to consider leaving her just ask for an open relationship if she says no just start seeing escorts without telling her. Lots of other men do
Because remember if you did leave her you might not meet another girl straight away or if you did it might not last long or even worse if you met another girl she could end up doing exactly the same thing after a few months
So if you did get into another relationship have the discussion with her about how your ex used to refuse you sex so hopefully she won't go down the same road
There are lots of people in relationships similar to yours who just put up with it for years because they are too scared to move on and dont want to be single again and hate going on dates or they like most things about their partner but are just not satisfied with certain things so they end up cheating or seeing escorts so an open relationship is a good compromise but I'm sure your girlfriend will say no to that too just to be controlling and keep you miserable instead of trying to meet you halfway so at least there's no pressure on her for regular sex and you get to be happy too.
You could try putting it that way to her

Reply 48

melody8175

Why is your sex drive more important than hers? If she doesn't want to have sex with you, then you're clearly not satisfying her sexually. THAT is what you should be concerned about, not the fact that you're not getting to have sex. It's such a selfish, patriarchal notion to feel that your girlfriend is somehow obligated to give you sex in a relationship. To be honest, I hope that you do break up with her so that she can go find somebody who's less of a jerk. In my experience, guys have absolutely no clue what they're doing, and they rarely have any selfless interest in making girls feel good, without treating sex as some kind of mercenary exchange. For someone with a high sex drive, I was very disappointed when I got into my first relationship to discover that sex was never going to live up to my high expectations from masturbating. You would think that another live human would be preferable to oneself when it comes to sex, but unless you're lucky enough to find a really good guy, it just doesn't work that way. Many guys have a tendency to treat us like a mysterious, puzzling kitchen appliance that has come without a manual. All you have to do is ask what feels good, but you never do. How often do you approach sex with your girlfriend as an instance in which you're going to get her off without taking anything for yourself? Do all of your sexual advances begin with the hope/expectation that they'll end with you inside of her? If so, no wonder she doesn't want to have sex with you.

Reply 49

Anonymous #3

Original post by melody8175

I think you will get some backlash from guys on here with this post lol but I agree with several points. Some guys do seem to want sex their way only. My on and off boyfriend keeps saying that I 'need to learn' certain elements of sex just because I don't like/want to do them. He insists its because I'm not used to/have never tried it and seems to want things done his way because it's 'normal' and I'm not normal. It's as though his definition of sex is what he deems normal. This is what puts me off sex but then Ive never had a urge to have sex to begin with. He has had many previous partners too. I prefer to get aroused on my own I can manage this in under 5 minutes sometimes lol. I mean to be fair op sounds like he does have patience it's mainly from my experience I'm talking about.

Reply 50

Anonymous #4

she either doesn't find you attractive,is cheating or she has a body confidence issue. you're gonna have to talk to her and ask her what wrong. coz if you ask me it's not fair. she is being loved and getting everything she want from you get she doesn't want have sex with you. I know sex is important for guys and obviously this can't go on forever. try talking to her,see what she says and if this still goes on then maybe it's time to move on....

Reply 51

melody8175

Yeah, "normal" is a word that can be misused so easily. It must be frustrating to feel that you have to live up to his idea of what a girlfriend should enjoy/do/want with regard to sex. It doesn't seem very kind of him to make you feel that you're expected to change yourself to meet his expectations. He should respect that you're an independent human being who had your own ideas about what you like/dislike long before he came along. I think that society has a very blinkered view of female sexuality in general. It's a difficult conversation to have, in my experience, because once one begins to feel self-conscious or uncomfortable about sex, it becomes a difficult thing to talk about. It's necessary to feel accepted/safe in order to begin a conversation about how sex could be better. Once a person is made to feel inadequate, it's unlikely that they'll be comfortable talking about their feelings, which results in them not wanting to have sex at all. This can lead to the other person making them feel even more inadequate/defective for not wanting sex, which creates a vicious circle. I've found that it sometimes works well to hold off on having sex with anyone I'm dating until they've learned how to reliably get me off: first, because it sets the precedent that my pleasure is important; and second, because then we never enter down the spiral of inadequacy/disinterest/shaming. Besides, at least for me, making my body feel good is the whole point of sex :smile:

Maybe you could show your boyfriend how you get yourself off; it could be that he is turning the blame onto you because he himself is insecure about the fact that he doesn't know how to please you.

Reply 52

Judge Jules

Original post by Robb_D

Hey everyone.

I'm looking for advice with my relationship.

Me and my girlfriend just don't have sex anymore. In the last 2 months we've been intimate 2 times. This I causing me a lot of stress and anxiety because we have only been a couple for 8 months... I thought the no sex routine was for married couples, (no offence). We have lived together for 6 months and at the start it was great. She couldn't wait to take my clothes off and I couldn't wait to take hers off. But now, it's nearly non existent and it is ALWAYS me who has to initiate sex just to be rejected. I understand we are not gonna have sex all the time, (we both have full time jobs), but I try to initiate when she has a day off and is not tired but that doesn't work and I am not happy with the current situation.

I've tried talking to her about how I feel but she goes straight on the defensive saying that I make her feel pressured to have sex which leaves me in a **** position - I either suffer in silence or get accused of pressuring her into sex if I try to talk to her about it. Just for the record, outside of the bedroom the relationship is good. I think she think I just want sex because I just want to put my dick in a hole but this isn't how I feel. I want to be physically intimate with my girlfriend, is this a bad thing?

When we have had sex, many moons ago, I always wanted to do foreplay but she just wanted to get it over and done with. She also never gets fully naked with me, (always wears a top) which makes me feel like she isn't comfortable with me. Maybe its just a body confidence issue.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm happy to learn about ways to let my girlfriend feel more at ease and more open to sex. Do I need to be seducing her more? Is it better to talk to her about this? What if she goes on the defensive?

I don't want this to cause an end to the relationship but I don't want to be in a relationship where we have sex once a month. I'm young, able and enjoy being physically intimate with my girlfriend. Why should I stop doing what I like?

If it helps, we're both quite young. I'm 22 and she is 24. There is also a culture difference - I am English while she is eastern Asian.

Thanks for your time!

She always wears a top, never gets fully naked, she doesn't let you do foreplay but just wants to get it over with. Those are all clear signs that you should get a new girlfriend that does actually like sex.
If you do split up and meet other women who start refusing you sex after a few months or a year then look up sex addicts anonymous on Google and join that then you will meet a woman there who is always up for it
If some women don't like having sex very often and makes a man wait once a month or longer then they should stay single or agree to an open relationship because it isn't fair to make the other person suffer too just because they don't like it as much or has medical problems which puts her off it
Ask her to go for sex counselling. You can go to your doctor on your own to ask about it then give her the information then make an appointment for both of you to go but if she says no to that then you're ****ed.

Did you get it on Christmas day ?
It's valentine's day today so imagine if you didn't get it today too
What is the update on what's going on now since you last made this post ?