Im just in a very bad place and currently doing A Levels, but im struggling to cope with anything anymore, especially at home.
Two years ago, i self-harmed. Last March I also took an overdose, well attempted. I was going through a lot and seen this as a stress reliever. Life at home isnt like any other happy family, it's outrageous if you ask me. My father and myself espeically don't get on well.. once I explain you will understand why.
My father? I dont see him as a top notch father figure. All he ever does is put me down, insult me, go out of his own way to make me feel horrible, emotionally and sometimes physically. Yes, Physical Abuse is what im talking about. None of this just started recently; its been more like on-going for approximately four years. Two years ago I brought the Social Services into my house, mainly because I wanted to try and fix things and build a strong relationship between myself and my dad, but that obviously didnt work out in the long term. He got put out of the house for a few weeks until they felt like things were getting better. He has physically and mentally abused us in the past and i was just trying to put a stop to it, but apparently all ive done according to my family is destroy everything and ruin relationships.
We havent really been on the best of terms and, as always I'm seen as the black sheep. Yes most would say thats only me thinking that, but they have guilt tripped me to believe all the arguements and fights caused in my house is all because of me and my attitude. I understand most teenagers like myself have attitudes; but do we really deserve to be physically abused by our parents? Even if it's something as minor? Such as Cleaning? My mother can be very easily agitated with us and cleaning, its like its never up to her standards but myself and my siblings do try our best. However, my mother is scared of my dad. It's obvious because so am I. I see s,going to chool during the week as an escape and would even stay after school for an extra two hours because I would be terrified to come home because i never know what to expect. Is this the way it should be for me?
Its gotten to the point where i just want to leave. My parents are literally driving me insane. Im depressed, Anxious, Stressed! I'm very grateful because of what ive been provided with by my father, if one thing hes a great provider. However, thats the problem. He's so caught up on his work and his job, he would usualy take his anger and stress out on his family and not show any affection. If anything, he would try and buy our affection back with gifts using money, but I dont stand for it. I've noticed that much to say the least.
Just two nights ago (Boxing Night) i got the shock of my life. I was scarred. My father slapped my sister. Obviously i dont stand for that so i was off with him for the whole evening. Just before we all sat at the table (and can i just mention, my fathers anger is hard to control, he can give but he cannot take.) he was in the middle of fixing a fireplace and happened to have a screwdriver in his hand. Since i was stil a bit angry at him i wasnt the most polite to him. He got very agitated and he charged for me. I stood my ground because, well I didnt expect him to hurt me even though he hurt me in the past; but he attempted without hesitation to slice my arm with a screwdriver, and he did succeed. Currently I am sitting with a nasty scar on my arm, reminded of what my father is actually capable of. After his successful attempt, i was terrified so i ran up to my room. He then followed suit, but then since of my anger and defensiveness; i called him a "B*****d". He told me to get out of the house so I ran for my life. I had my phone so I tried calling everyone i knew whilst running up my driveway but he kept grabbing me and tried throwing me to the ground but I got out of his grip and ran straight up the road and hid in a field, which they found me in an hour later.
Im scared. This has been going on for too long and its time my cry for help is heard. I cant cope in my own house! I feel unsafe, threatened, unwanted, cause of detoriation within my family.
What do i do? I can't stay in my house any longer, even though when im eighteen in the next upcoming 5 months, I need out now. What do i do? Where do I go? Im going insane and im starting to give up on hope. I can barely focus on my A Levels anymore because of all thats occuring at home.
Please can somebody hear and answer my cry for help, I cant take this pain anymore I want it all to end.