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    Today has been a bit of a disaster.

    Woke up, went to the toilet - the 15 laxatives I took last night had kicked in. Had breakfast (2 bowls of cereal, 2 pieces of toast). Went to purge it, but had to wait for le mother to leave first. She took half an hour longer than expected, so I was sitting there, uncomfortably full, desperate to go purge, for another half an hour.

    She finally left, and I went to the bathroom. Accidentally missed the bowl on one of the "movements", so I got sick all around the toilet bowl.
    After a while, I stopped being able to purge anymore, it just didn't work. Did what I normally do in this situation, and even so it wouldn't budge. I was sitting there, throwing up blood and bile, and nothing more, despite knowing full-well that there was more food in my tummy.

    I was still feeling the effects of the laxatives. I'm 18 years old, and I crapped my pants today, because I was too busy trying to purge, I didn't get to the toilet in time.

    Cleaned the toilet, came out of the bathroom.
    I went downstairs, and started binging again, just to repeat the ****ing cycle.
    And I know, full well, that I'm going to OD on laxatives tonight, too.

    This - purging, laxatives - was supposed to be an emergency thing. You know, only purge when I eat something too calorific. It was supposed to be something I did only once or twice a week.

    I hate what I've become.
    Help?
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    I think you need to see if you can help from someone. If you feel you can start to talk about it: Try to talk to your GP about it, or maybe a counsellor.
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    Its brave of you to to admit your story on this site but I think you really need some real help. Go to your GP and ask to be referred if possible good luck hun x
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    this is simply out of control, you need to get to a doctor.
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    agreed. you really need to seek professional help before you make yourself seriously ill. they wont judge you, they will want to help
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    Thank you for your responses. I've been in therapy, but it's finished due to going to uni. I'm going to Uni, anyway, in October - is there any point trying to get help now?

    I don't know. I just hate this. But it's so difficult to get out of.
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    yes there is a point.
    it will be difficult but you will be so much better for it afterwards
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    I agree: Even though uni is quite close, trying to get as much help as possible, however difficult, will help you in the long run. Good luck.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you for your responses. I've been in therapy, but it's finished due to going to uni. I'm going to Uni, anyway, in October - is there any point trying to get help now?

    I don't know. I just hate this. But it's so difficult to get out of.
    You can get help-I think you need to get help. Yes, it is difficult to get out of but if you want to then you can.
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    i agree with the others, it's definitely worth getting help before you go to uni, good luck and take care of yourself :hugs:
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    Go to the doctor. As long as you're alive it's never too late to get help.
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    its good that you've realised what you're doing and are asking for help. You need to see your GP so they can offer the help that is avaliable.
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    id go to the doctors buddy its never to late to ask for help
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    You've hit rock bottom, and now the only way to go is up. You've recognised that it's disgusting and that you're hurting your body and that you don't want to live like this, which believe it or not is a huge breakthrough.

    Of course it's not too late to do something about it and take control of your life - in fact moving to university is probably the perfect time for such a huge change - you're taking steps towards independence, you're going to be in a new environment and make new habits anyway.

    It's not going to be easy, but there are so many people who have beaten bulimia - you seem like an intelligent girl and i'm sure that if you really really want to change, you will have a promising future ahead of you. Perhaps look at some of the support groups available, such as

    http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/bulimia.php

    And of course, THE most important thing as has been mentioned is to see your GP. You say you're seeing a therapist - is this for your eating disorder or for something else? You would be best to mention this to your therapist if you haven't already - they're there to help and you can carry on seeing someone regularly through your university's student support services. You're not alone.

    Visit

    http://www.equip.nhs.uk/topics/neuro/eating.html

    for tonnes of useful links - the most important thing is not to hate yourself or become disgusted with yourself, because it just perpetuates the cycle. The fact is, you are worth so much more than how you're treating yourself. I know it sounds cliche, but you need to realise how much you really are worth and understand that you and your body deserve to be treated with respect, especially by yourself.

    i understand what it's like to have an ed and how much self-loathing is involved, but i've come through it and i know you can to. The absolute most important thing is to realise that you - all of your, your mind, heart and body - is important and valuable enough to be loved. And you need to love yourself - otherwise it doesn't matter how many others love you, you will never be able to benefit from it.

    good luck kitten :suith:
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    #1

    Thank you so much, all of you, for your support and kinds words.

    Le mother has been pushing me to visit the doc for a check-up before I go to uni, so I may mention it to them, then. If not, I'll look into therapy or counselling while I'm at uni.

    Thank you - and Grace, thank you for the links and the kind words. You're right, uni can be a grand opportunity for me... I want to do the best I can.

    Thank you.
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    As the others said really you need to see a doctor, you are killing yourself the way you are going. This is the danger of using laxatives.
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    Well done for being able to admit it's a problem for you I know that must be hard. Even if you don't get any counselling etc before you go to uni, as Grace said, there is support out there for you, don't be ashamed or afraid to use that. You've done the first hurdle, which is recognising the problem, now you've got to be strong and move forward and get help. Well done and good luck for the future xXx
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    Why do you take these laxatives, do you want to lose weight?
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    (Original post by Botticello)
    Why do you take these laxatives, do you want to lose weight?
    Yes - laxatives used in this way are used to either promote weight loss OR prevent weight gain (preventing nutrients from being absorbed, and excreting large amounts of nutrients instead)
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    If you're throwing up blood then there could be a tear in the lining of your throat, this could be life threatening so if you're still reading this I think you need to seek urgent medical attention. I don't mean to alarm you and I don't know how much you've been vomitting, but it's pretty clear that you do have an eating problem and with those, an esophageal tear is always a possibility.
 
 
 
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