boyfriend is frighteningly controlling, lashed out

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Anonymous #1
#1
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I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. He's always been a really sweet, affectionate guy. He's told me once that he's a bit aggressive with men, but I just couldn't even imagine him being like that. Today he was asking where I spent my day yesterday, I said I was with my group of friends (2 guys- gay couple, 2 girls).

He got really, really angry and he said 'you've made me angry, I told you I don't like you near men, no speaking, no friends, nothing.. you obviously didn't listen and don't care what I think', then he kept pestering me for their numbers?! I was really anxious at this point and lied saying I deleted them to stop him going to beat my friends or whatever he wanted to do. I said 'why are you angry, my guy friends are actually GAY, they won't ever like me', he just kept asking. I said 'are you really this angry?'. He said 'no believe me you don't even want to see me angry'. How can he change so quickly? How can he be so angry just because I spoke to a male, they're gay and together for crying out loud. I'm so shocked, it just happened an hour ago.
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Paracosm
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#2
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This doesn't sound healthy at all OP. You should sit down with him and explain that you are allowed to have friends of other genders. If he can't deal with that or is going to react so violently to the idea then it's probably best to call it off.

Please stay safe and take care. :console:
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username1726117
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#3
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Sounds like he's got issues and he could be a potential threat to you. He needs therapy, and you need to stay away from him.
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absoul
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#4
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As all TSR relationship advice goes, dump him.

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No but seriously, this will quickly manifest itself into an abusive relationship. How does one get angry over your gay friends? wtf
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Anonymous #1
#5
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afterwards he calmed down and said don't worry, you do what's best for you, I'm happy with that.. like how can I even believe that now after the way he just reacted?! He said he's just happy because I could've lied but I was honest. He put me right on the spot, I wish I'd just lied now and said I was at a library on my own studying. Before he left, he said for me to not worry and that he loves me, and he said 'don't forget this now, no men, no speaking to them, no numbers of men in your phone, no interactions, nothing I'm not having any guy so much as even look at MY girl in that way'.
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Waiser
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#6
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Honestly, its clear that he is a very jealous guy. So you got 2 options, try change his mind which is very unlikely to occur or just listen to him. People don't get jealous over people they don't care about, for a reaction to that extent, he must really love you and may be a bit too protective.
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Bang Outta Order
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. He's always been a really sweet, affectionate guy. He's told me once that he's a bit aggressive with men, but I just couldn't even imagine him being like that. Today he was asking where I spent my day yesterday, I said I was with my group of friends (2 guys- gay couple, 2 girls).

He got really, really angry and he said 'you've made me angry, I told you I don't like you near men, no speaking, no friends, nothing.. you obviously didn't listen and don't care what I think', then he kept pestering me for their numbers?! I was really anxious at this point and lied saying I deleted them to stop him going to beat my friends or whatever he wanted to do. I said 'why are you angry, my guy friends are actually GAY, they won't ever like me', he just kept asking. I said 'are you really this angry?'. He said 'no believe me you don't even want to see me angry'. How can he change so quickly? How can he be so angry just because I spoke to a male, they're gay and together for crying out loud. I'm so shocked, it just happened an hour ago.
Not being funny but I don't really see anything alarming here. But it's something to keep an eye on to see if it keeps happening, and for other things you find trivial. You have to understand you're with someone now, not by yourself, and he has emotions, insecurities, problems, etc like anyone else. You're gonna have to deal with those. I believe the true purpose of a partner is to grow with each other, not freak out when they freak out. It could really be bothering him like from his perspective, the gay friend thing is far too convenient, even if it's true, and the "I deleted the numbers" was a bad and unnecessary lie. Only thing you can do is introduce him to your gay friends as proof.
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elekro
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#8
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Clearly he's very insecure, maybe he will blame it on past experiences, but for goodness sake they are GAY. It only happened once in 9 months? If yes why, did you not go near any men the rest of the time you've been together? Did he ever tell you why he doesn't want you near males? And why is he with you if he doesn't trust you to even speak to a male? You're an individual human being not his possession. Was he sober?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by iEthan)
This doesn't sound healthy at all OP. You should sit down with him and explain that you are allowed to have friends of other genders. If he can't deal with that or is going to react so violently to the idea then it's probably best to call it off.

Please stay safe and take care. :console:
I've just grown so attached to him, before this I was thinking that this was the man I wanted to marry one day, but would he hit me? Is that what he meant when he said I wouldn't ever want to see him angry? I look at him in a different way now, now he's more intimidating and scary too.
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Sternumator
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#10
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You don't want to be with a guy like this. The mask has slipped and it will only get worse. I don't think there is any excuse for behaviour like that.
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Paracosm
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#11
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've just grown so attached to him, before this I was thinking that this was the man I wanted to marry one day, but would he hit me? Is that what he meant when he said I wouldn't ever want to see him angry? I look at him in a different way now, now he's more intimidating and scary too.
The way he threatened you and seems to want to control you is absolutely unacceptable and really toxic. I can't say what he'd do, but it doesn't sound good. For your sake, I'd definitely say consider alternatives.
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shadowdweller
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(Original post by 0to100)
Not being funny but I don't really see anything alarming here. But it's something to keep an eye on to see if it keeps happening, and for other things you find trivial. You have to understand you're with someone now, not by yourself, and he has emotions, insecurities, problems, etc like anyone else. You're gonna have to deal with those. I believe the true purpose of a partner is to grow with each other, not freak out when they freak out. It could really be bothering him like from his perspective, the gay friend thing is far too convenient, even if it's true, and the "I deleted the numbers" was a bad and unnecessary lie. Only thing you can do is introduce him to your gay friends as proof.
Sorry, but she shouldn't have to 'prove' her friends are gay :erm:

Yes, relationships can come with insecurities, and some of those should be handled together, but this is way out of line from him. An insecurity would be being a bit uncomfortable with her seeing male friends, which, whilst obviously unreasonable, is something they could talk through as rationale adults. Instead, he's acting aggressively, and actually in an emotionally abusive manner, considering he's trying to control her and prevent her seeing friends.

OP, I think you should talk to him when he's calmer, and try and get him to see straight over the whole thing. If he can't do that, however, I'd seriously consider whether this is a healthy relationship to be in.

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Anonymous #1
#13
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#13
(Original post by Waiser)
Honestly, its clear that he is a very jealous guy. So you got 2 options, try change his mind which is very unlikely to occur or just listen to him. People don't get jealous over people they don't care about, for a reaction to that extent, he must really love you and may be a bit too protective.
I do want to make it work of course, but I have my doubts now. As in, lets say I bump into an old guy friend and we're having a laugh in the street, my boyfriend sees this.. is he going to take me home and beat me or something? I obviously don't know him as well as I thought I did because I was ridiculously shocked at how he was telling me off tonight, I couldn't even defend myself against him because I couldn't believe he was reacting in such an extreme way to such a minor thing!
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Bang Outta Order
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#14
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(Original post by shadowdweller)
Sorry, but she shouldn't have to 'prove' her friends are gay :erm:
*That's not. what. I. meant.*

Prove that they exist...since he clearly thinks she's lying. Not prove they're gay...

Also I wouldn't call this emotionally abusive either since she says this is sudden and surprising so probably not how hes reacted before. Abuse is an ongoing thing, not a shocking one time reaction. He just feels disrespected and I say don't talk to him about it again because they technically already did talk about it. And it went badly. She needs to make some observations about his personality/character and figure out from there if this is how he is. Abusers act nice at first then weasel their way in and flip personalities and get worse pretty immediately. So far she doesn't have much to go on based on the op except: he doesn't believe her and therefore got angry...
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username1675443
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#15
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've just grown so attached to him, before this I was thinking that this was the man I wanted to marry one day, but would he hit me? Is that what he meant when he said I wouldn't ever want to see him angry? I look at him in a different way now, now he's more intimidating and scary too.
You should never be scared of a partner. I would get out now before this disintegrates further. Your first priority is your own well-being; you should not live in fear. Anyone who says that 'you don't want to see me angry' clearly has severe problems and it sounds to me like he could get physical. Please take care. No one thinks that a relationship will become abusive until they're neck-deep and trapped. The fact he has scared you and limited your friendships is enough to be considered abuse. End it with him and stay safe. x
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Waiser
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#16
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I do want to make it work of course, but I have my doubts now. As in, lets say I bump into an old guy friend and we're having a laugh in the street, my boyfriend sees this.. is he going to take me home and beat me or something? I obviously don't know him as well as I thought I did because I was ridiculously shocked at how he was telling me off tonight, I couldn't even defend myself against him because I couldn't believe he was reacting in such an extreme way to such a minor thing!
Yeah i can understand what you are going through, it takes some time to see the real person beneath all the good an perfection you initially see. Talk to him, preferably face to face or by whatsapp or something. Guys like these need reassurance. You don't want to end a relationship with someone who gets this frustrated to even think about loosing you.
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Anonymous #1
#17
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#17
(Original post by 0to100)
Not being funny but I don't really see anything alarming here. But it's something to keep an eye on to see if it keeps happening, and for other things you find trivial. You have to understand you're with someone now, not by yourself, and he has emotions, insecurities, problems, etc like anyone else. You're gonna have to deal with those. I believe the true purpose of a partner is to grow with each other, not freak out when they freak out. It could really be bothering him like from his perspective, the gay friend thing is far too convenient, even if it's true, and the "I deleted the numbers" was a bad and unnecessary lie. Only thing you can do is introduce him to your gay friends as proof.
Oh I thought it was something to be really alarmed about. He did say to me something like 'look I don't speak to women out of respect for you, I don't even look at them in that way because I only look at you like that, yes women they speak to me but I cut it off really quickly so why can you not do this for me?' Maybe that's a good point. I'm just really not used to this because my last boyfriend was the least controlling guy ever, we did what we wanted, whenever we wanted. He'd even want to go alone to a female friends house to watch a movie, he'd ask if I was okay and I'd just be like yeah whatever sure
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absoul
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#18
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#18
(Original post by Anonymous)
I've just grown so attached to him, before this I was thinking that this was the man I wanted to marry one day, but would he hit me? Is that what he meant when he said I wouldn't ever want to see him angry? I look at him in a different way now, now he's more intimidating and scary too.
If you marry him, he'll be more possessive over you and yes, there is a good chance he will use violence to control you.
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username47781
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#19
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. He's always been a really sweet, affectionate guy. He's told me once that he's a bit aggressive with men, but I just couldn't even imagine him being like that. Today he was asking where I spent my day yesterday, I said I was with my group of friends (2 guys- gay couple, 2 girls).

He got really, really angry and he said 'you've made me angry, I told you I don't like you near men, no speaking, no friends, nothing.. you obviously didn't listen and don't care what I think', then he kept pestering me for their numbers?! I was really anxious at this point and lied saying I deleted them to stop him going to beat my friends or whatever he wanted to do. I said 'why are you angry, my guy friends are actually GAY, they won't ever like me', he just kept asking. I said 'are you really this angry?'. He said 'no believe me you don't even want to see me angry'. How can he change so quickly? How can he be so angry just because I spoke to a male, they're gay and together for crying out loud. I'm so shocked, it just happened an hour ago.
Get out of this relationship now, you do not need to be with someone who lashes out. Only reason he was calmer later is he is trying to guilt trip you.
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Bang Outta Order
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Oh I thought it was something to be really alarmed about. He did say to me something like 'look I don't speak to women out of respect for you, I don't even look at them in that way because I only look at you like that, yes women they speak to me but I cut it off really quickly so why can you not do this for me?' Maybe that's a good point. I'm just really not used to this because my last boyfriend was the least controlling guy ever, we did what we wanted, whenever we wanted. He'd even want to go alone to a female friends house to watch a movie, he'd ask if I was okay and I'd just be like yeah whatever sure
Well this isn't your last boyfriend, love. It is good that you're admitting your current bf has made a good point. Say that he's making a good point next time Try to calm him down, not in a nagging way, in a calm, reassuring, understanding way. Like I said, if he does this again and over something ridiculous (what's ridiculous to you might not be to him) then make that decision to leave. You don't *have* to put up with *anything* BUT if you wanna be with him, give him one more chance (don't tell him he has another chance or he'll act innocent) just sit back and observe his behaviour. You can always leave him you know.
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