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boyfriend is frighteningly controlling, lashed out Watch

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    (Original post by 0to100)
    Not being funny but I don't really see anything alarming here. But it's something to keep an eye on to see if it keeps happening, and for other things you find trivial. You have to understand you're with someone now, not by yourself, and he has emotions, insecurities, problems, etc like anyone else. You're gonna have to deal with those. I believe the true purpose of a partner is to grow with each other, not freak out when they freak out. It could really be bothering him like from his perspective, the gay friend thing is far too convenient, even if it's true, and the "I deleted the numbers" was a bad and unnecessary lie. Only thing you can do is introduce him to your gay friends as proof.
    Terrible advice, makes me wonder if you're a possessive and controlling person who is somehow sympathetic towards OPs boyfriend.

    He's hardly freaking out, he's intimidating OP and telling her not to speak to men. That's not acceptable.
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    (Original post by 0to100)
    *That's not. what. I. meant.*

    Prove that they exist...since he clearly thinks she's lying. Not prove they're gay...

    Also I wouldn't call this emotionally abusive either since she says this is sudden and surprising so probably not how hes reacted before. Abuse is an ongoing thing, not a shocking one time reaction. He just feels disrespected and I say don't talk to him about it again because they technically already did talk about it. And it went badly. She needs to make some observations about his personality/character and figure out from there if this is how he is. Abusers act nice at first then weasel their way in and flip personalities and get worse pretty immediately. So far she doesn't have much to go on based on the op except: he doesn't believe her and therefore got angry...
    Ah, I apologise, from the context I misunderstood, though I still disagree. There's no reason she should have to prove anyone exists, given he's angry over nothing.

    Now, if he'd just got a bit annoyed, I might agree with you, but the 'I told you I don't like you near men, no friends, no nothing' part rings some alarm bells for me. If this is a one off, then it's something to be very cautious of, but if it's an ongoing thing, as that implied, it's considerable more concerning.

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Oh I thought it was something to be really alarmed about. He did say to me something like 'look I don't speak to women out of respect for you, I don't even look at them in that way because I only look at you like that, yes women they speak to me but I cut it off really quickly so why can you not do this for me?' Maybe that's a good point. I'm just really not used to this because my last boyfriend was the least controlling guy ever, we did what we wanted, whenever we wanted. He'd even want to go alone to a female friends house to watch a movie, he'd ask if I was okay and I'd just be like yeah whatever sure
    He should not control your behaviour. If he chooses not to speak to women, that's his choice (and I also doubt he doesn't talk to women ), but he should not force you to alienate yourself from others.
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    (Original post by elekro)
    Clearly he's very insecure, maybe he will blame it on past experiences, but for goodness sake they are GAY. It only happened once in 9 months? If yes why, did you not go near any men the rest of the time you've been together? Did he ever tell you why he doesn't want you near males? And why is he with you if he doesn't trust you to even speak to a male? You're an individual human being not his possession. Was he sober?
    Yeah I didn't meet any other guys in those 9 months as he basically banned me from having any male friends. I thought it'd be okay to go out with these guys, met them at university a few months ago and I agreed to meet up as I thought my boyfriend had gotten over that, and he wouldn't care THIS much. I did say to him 'do you not trust me?', He said I trust you, not them.
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    (Original post by shadowdweller)
    Ah, I apologise, from the context I misunderstood, though I still disagree. There's no reason she should have to prove anyone exists, given he's angry over nothing.

    Now, if he'd just got a bit annoyed, I might agree with you, but the 'I told you I don't like you near men, no friends, no nothing' part rings some alarm bells for me. If this is a one off, then it's something to be very cautious of, but if it's an ongoing thing, as that implied, it's considerable more concerning.

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    I read that as:

    "No men, no friends, no nothing" as in "no men, even if they're friends." OP didn't give any context that she can't see female friends. So I took it literally, that her boyfriend doesn't want her to have male friends. Since this just happened once, according to what I read, it's not a red flag risen yet. Not to me. And yes I emphasise not prove that they're gay. Just prove they exist, not like, "Come here guys, let's prove you exist." But casually ask them out for drinks, it's not uncommon to introduce your partner to your friends. And the deleting their number kneejerk lie OP gave wasn't wise and from the bf's perspective, is dodgy on her part.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Oh I thought it was something to be really alarmed about. He did say to me something like 'look I don't speak to women out of respect for you, I don't even look at them in that way because I only look at you like that, yes women they speak to me but I cut it off really quickly so why can you not do this for me?' Maybe that's a good point. I'm just really not used to this because my last boyfriend was the least controlling guy ever, we did what we wanted, whenever we wanted. He'd even want to go alone to a female friends house to watch a movie, he'd ask if I was okay and I'd just be like yeah whatever sure
    Thing is, him not talking to other women is his choice, and it sounds like that's not something you've ever asked of him, so he doesn't get to use that to enforce his point.

    The situation you describe with your last boyfriend is a much more reasonable one - in a healthy and happy relationship, you should be able to see friends when you want to, without your partner kicking off over them being male.

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    (Original post by gwaggy)
    He should not control your behaviour. If he chooses not to speak to women, that's his choice (and I also doubt he doesn't talk to women ), but he should not force you to alienate yourself from others.
    Yeah I mean, I was talking to him about my best friend. He went on my Instagram, went through my followers, found this best friend and followed her. I wonder if he'd be angry now if I went and did the same thing to one of his guy friends. He doesn't even like me going to the GYM sometimes, he says things like 'why do you keep going for? Why do you keep exercising like crazy when I told you that I think you look good?' Like it's not all about him, I didn't join a gym for him, I went years before I even met him, I do it because it's my hobby and it's good for me. He doesn't like me going there alone and was prepared to start messaging my friend to make her go with me lol.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I didn't meet any other guys in those 9 months as he basically banned me from having any male friends. I thought it'd be okay to go out with these guys, met them at university a few months ago and I agreed to meet up as I thought my boyfriend had gotten over that, and he wouldn't care THIS much. I did say to him 'do you not trust me?', He said I trust you, not them.
    But neither he or you have control over who hits on you. Is he okay with you going out with female friends?
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    chuck him
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I didn't meet any other guys in those 9 months as he basically banned me from having any male friends.
    (Original post by shadowdweller)
    Thing is, him not talking to other women is his choice, and it sounds like that's not something you've ever asked of him, so he doesn't get to use that to enforce his point.

    The situation you describe with your last boyfriend is a much more reasonable one - in a healthy and happy relationship, you should be able to see friends when you want to, without your partner kicking off over them being male.

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    Yea it's male friends she can't have. So far he does need to calm down. TSR can often speculate, scare monger the OPs and just tell people to dump their partner, that's not right nor reasonable.
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    (Original post by 0to100)
    I read that as:

    "No men, no friends, no nothing" as in "no men, even if they're friends." OP didn't give any context that she can't see female friends. So I took it literally, that her boyfriend doesn't want her to have male friends. Since this just happened once, according to what I read, it's not a red flag risen yet. Not to me. And yes I emphasise not prove that they're gay. Just prove they exist, not like, "Come here guys, let's prove you exist." But casually ask them out for drinks, it's not uncommon to introduce your partner to your friends. And the deleting their number kneejerk lie OP gave wasn't wise and from the bf's perspective, is dodgy on her part.
    Oh, I'm taking it the same way as you, and to me, not wanting her to have male friends is controlling. Assuming you have any degree of trust in your partner, the gender of their friends shouldn't matter - they're choosing to be with you, not some random friend of theirs.

    No, I agree that in principle, introducing your friends is perfectly common. But why should she have to in this situation? Her boyfriend reacted angrily just over her seeing them, for no clear reason at all, so I can see why she'd be concerned to introduce them.

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I didn't meet any other guys in those 9 months as he basically banned me from having any male friends. I thought it'd be okay to go out with these guys, met them at university a few months ago and I agreed to meet up as I thought my boyfriend had gotten over that, and he wouldn't care THIS much. I did say to him 'do you not trust me?', He said I trust you, not them.
    Maybe tell him next time you wanna go out. It's not asking for permission. Just letting him know. Honestly while he might be a bit immature right now ( don't know the guy at all, can't say he's immature all over) but you did come off kinda sneaky and you shouldn't lie or get emotional when he does. One of you needs to be the stable one here lol
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I didn't meet any other guys in those 9 months as he basically banned me from having any male friends. I thought it'd be okay to go out with these guys, met them at university a few months ago and I agreed to meet up as I thought my boyfriend had gotten over that, and he wouldn't care THIS much. I did say to him 'do you not trust me?', He said I trust you, not them.
    Dump him. Doesn't matter what you feel for him, anyone that is going to try to manipulate and control you like this is just bad news. If, as you said, you're already wondering if he would hurt you physically just for talking to another male on the street, then it's beyond saving imo. You may try to justify this is an isolated outburst but he's made it clear it's a persistent insecurity. He should get help and you should get away from him as far and quickly as possible
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    (Original post by shadowdweller)
    Thing is, him not talking to other women is his choice, and it sounds like that's not something you've ever asked of him, so he doesn't get to use that to enforce his point.

    The situation you describe with your last boyfriend is a much more reasonable one - in a healthy and happy relationship, you should be able to see friends when you want to, without your partner kicking off over them being male.

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    yeah exactly, and no I have never even once mentioned anything about not wanting him to have male friends. I'm actually completely fine with him having friends of the opposite sex (he has them on Facebook, yet tries to make me delete every male friend on there - I hid my friends list so he can't see that they're there). I don't control any aspect of his life at all, he does what he wants, when he wants because I actually do trust him which is why i find his behaviour unreasonable.
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    (Original post by 0to100)
    Yea it's male friends she can't have. So far he does need to calm down. TSR can often speculate, scare monger the OPs and just tell people to dump their partner, that's not right nor reasonable.
    I understood that, though perhaps I didn't express that clearly in my previous post - it doesn't change my stance, he's being controlling and unreasonable.

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    (Original post by 0to100)
    Maybe tell him next time you wanna go out. It's not asking for permission. Just letting him know. Honestly while he might be a bit immature right now ( don't know the guy at all, can't say he's immature all over) but you did come off kinda sneaky and you shouldn't lie or get emotional when he does. One of you needs to be the stable one here lol
    If I ask his permission he will simply say no and question if I'm actually being serious by asking this question in the first place when I know he won't like it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I mean, I was talking to him about my best friend. He went on my Instagram, went through my followers, found this best friend and followed her. I wonder if he'd be angry now if I went and did the same thing to one of his guy friends. He doesn't even like me going to the GYM sometimes, he says things like 'why do you keep going for? Why do you keep exercising like crazy when I told you that I think you look good?' Like it's not all about him, I didn't join a gym for him, I went years before I even met him, I do it because it's my hobby and it's good for me. He doesn't like me going there alone and was prepared to start messaging my friend to make her go with me lol.
    I would be very concerned about this behaviour, if I were you. It's definitely not normal, nor reasonable.

    Insecurities are understandable, everyone has them, but he seems either incapable or unwilling to handle these in a manner that is fair to you, and that doesn't really lead to anything good.

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    (Original post by shadowdweller)
    Oh, I'm taking it the same way as you, and to me, not wanting her to have male friends is controlling. Assuming you have any degree of trust in your partner, the gender of their friends shouldn't matter - they're choosing to be with you, not some random friend of theirs.

    No, I agree that in principle, introducing your friends is perfectly common. But why should she have to in this situation? Her boyfriend reacted angrily just over her seeing them, for no clear reason at all, so I can see why she'd be concerned to introduce them.

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    @ your first paragraph, last sentence: Yyyea...but people cheat...

    Well she should introduce them in this situation because he doesn't believe her...A reasonable person would say, "Oh they're gay. Yes, they wouldn't be into you at all. Haha." But he doesn't believe her. Is their relationship going to end because he doesn't believe that two gay guys exist when she can easily set up a drink sessh with the 4 of them?..

    It is a clear reason to act angry...the reality is, sometimes people cheat. He's essentially protecting their relationship making sure she doesn't. And to his credit, he doesn't act this way normally.
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    I'll put it like this. If you had to choose between living on a deserted island, just you and your bf, or break up, which would you choose?

    Some people don't mind deserting themselves for their relationship, but I'm assuming since it bothered you enough to make this post, you're not one of them. Act wisely. I wish you all the best hun. Be strong.
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    OP, the simple fact that your bf says no male friends is enough to send alarm bells ringing.
 
 
 
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