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boyfriend is frighteningly controlling, lashed out Watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    afterwards he calmed down and said don't worry, you do what's best for you, I'm happy with that.. like how can I even believe that now after the way he just reacted?! He said he's just happy because I could've lied but I was honest. He put me right on the spot, I wish I'd just lied now and said I was at a library on my own studying. Before he left, he said for me to not worry and that he loves me, and he said 'don't forget this now, no men, no speaking to them, no numbers of men in your phone, no interactions, nothing I'm not having any guy so much as even look at MY girl in that way'.
    Theres obviously a side he has hidden whilst you have been out with him. Massive alarm bells for me.

    1. Its a bit of an odd thing to get so angry about and you shouldnt have to justify yourself. he trusts you or he does not. Tbh I dont think he does. You talking or knowing any males makes him extremely uncomfirtable and with an anger that is one step to the next, which I have seen enough of.

    2. Controlling behaviour of who you can speak to is creepy. You are an adult human being and not a possession. You should eb able to speak to who you like and he has no right to control this. He obviously feels he has the right and thats the correct way to treat his gf. Honestly I think its extraordinary and it will only get worse.

    I'm with the others and think you should consider slowly dropping him. He obviously has different ideas about relationships and a very definite idea about what his gf is allowed to do. Why cant people chill out?

    You can ofc talk to him, but you know him and talking carries its own risks if he is liable to snap or doesnt like being questioned.
    How tedious to have to deal with this.

    If you were one of my friends id be telling you to have a serious think about leaving becayse he wont change and you dont want to be there when he's angry plus you probably dont wnat to be in a relationship where you dont know if they will snap and you are being controlled very unhealthily.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Oh I thought it was something to be really alarmed about. He did say to me something like 'look I don't speak to women out of respect for you, I don't even look at them in that way because I only look at you like that, yes women they speak to me but I cut it off really quickly so why can you not do this for me?' Maybe that's a good point. I'm just really not used to this because my last boyfriend was the least controlling guy ever, we did what we wanted, whenever we wanted. He'd even want to go alone to a female friends house to watch a movie, he'd ask if I was okay and I'd just be like yeah whatever sure
    Just because he does that shouldnt mean you have to. All a bit too serious and rigid imo. he has a very specific expectation of a gf and you cnat really stray from it because its rigid and brittle. Think carefully if you really want that going forward. Almost certain he will never change. Rather you than me.
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    (Original post by 0to100)
    I find it concerning that you're getting so emotional over this like you know OP personally. This isn't an Advice Contest, relax.

    And jumping to a conclusion about my family is not only unnecessary but it's irrelevant and also rather impossible for you to do with nothing to go off of. Night-night.
    I'm just curious on a psychological level as to why you think such controlling and aggressive behaviour is acceptable?

    We model a lot of our attitudes and behaviours from our parents. Where else would you learn to believe that such abnormal behaviour is acceptable? Certainly not the media.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. He's always been a really sweet, affectionate guy. He's told me once that he's a bit aggressive with men, but I just couldn't even imagine him being like that. Today he was asking where I spent my day yesterday, I said I was with my group of friends (2 guys- gay couple, 2 girls).

    He got really, really angry and he said 'you've made me angry, I told you I don't like you near men, no speaking, no friends, nothing.. you obviously didn't listen and don't care what I think', then he kept pestering me for their numbers?! I was really anxious at this point and lied saying I deleted them to stop him going to beat my friends or whatever he wanted to do. I said 'why are you angry, my guy friends are actually GAY, they won't ever like me', he just kept asking. I said 'are you really this angry?'. He said 'no believe me you don't even want to see me angry'. How can he change so quickly? How can he be so angry just because I spoke to a male, they're gay and together for crying out loud. I'm so shocked, it just happened an hour ago.
    F**k me! This guy isn't for you if he's doing all that!
    He's the one who doesn't listen.
    They're friends, the guys are gay, and your BF isn't listening to you!
    You deserve better, but that's just my view.
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    (Original post by Twinpeaks)
    I'm just curious on a psychological level as to why you think such controlling and aggressive behaviour is acceptable?

    We model a lot of our attitudes and behaviours from our parents. Where else would you learn to believe that such abnormal behaviour is acceptable? Certainly not the media.
    Not necissarily.
    Could've happened to them, and they don't want a repeat.
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    (Original post by Nunchuck-master-2334)
    Not necissarily.
    Could've happened to them, and they don't want a repeat.
    What could have happened?
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    What a weirdo. Best get out of there before he actually get's angry and starts turning green.
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    He called me this morning but I was asleep and woke up to 2 missed calls and 3 texts asking 'what are you doing?', 'why aren't you answering?', 'you don't want to speak to me?', I literally called him back about 2 minutes after his last call but no answer. Looks like he's angry with me again today then. It just stresses me out as it makes me anxious it's distracting me from my coursework.
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    He sounds like has a lot of issues he needs to deal with. I don't know your guys' relationship but I really advise getting out of there. It doesn't take a psychologist to see that this is an unhealthy relationship. He sounds very manipulative and intimidation is not ever an element in a healthy relationship. Most people end up staying in or going back to toxic relationships due to attachment and feelings, but it really isn't worth it. It usually just gets worse and the behaviour escalates. Rarely is there change, and the bad outweighs the good eventually.

    There's a fine line between being protective, and being completely controlling and possessive. Bad personality traits like this tend to show up over time, sometimes calculated or naturally, and they usually don't stop there. You can try to bring up the issue with him and tell him why you dislike his behaviour, why he has no need to worry, assert yourself etc. but if that doesn't help, I'd recommend distancing yourself and really taking a look at the situation for what it is. Put your feelings for him aside for a bit and look at what's best for you. Don't get sucked into that "fixing him" bs either because that realistically rarely ever works and will only drain you.

    Edited after OP's update: Yeah, honestly, everyone here agrees that he's becoming very manipulative. He's behaving like a child because he's angry that you aren't updating him on every little thing in your life or at his beck and call when he wants. Even when you do play into his hand (which you absolutely shouldn't), he isn't satisfied. Dump him and run for the hills, I say. That's no way to live. You're stressing yourself out over things that won't change and only get progressively worse. Be honest with yourself, OP.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He called me this morning but I was asleep and woke up to 2 missed calls and 3 texts asking 'what are you doing?', 'why aren't you answering?', 'you don't want to speak to me?', I literally called him back about 2 minutes after his last call but no answer. Looks like he's angry with me again today then. It just stresses me out as it makes me anxious it's distracting me from my coursework.
    leave that piece of ****, seriously.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He called me this morning but I was asleep and woke up to 2 missed calls and 3 texts asking 'what are you doing?', 'why aren't you answering?', 'you don't want to speak to me?', I literally called him back about 2 minutes after his last call but no answer. Looks like he's angry with me again today then. It just stresses me out as it makes me anxious it's distracting me from my coursework.

    He sounds like its ok when everything is how he expects it, but its completely brittle. From your posts it sounds like there is very little talking to be done becayse he will not see how extreme his views are. He is probably comfortable now demanding and teling you what to do and it will only get worse. Besides insecure and controlling I forgot to mention jealous. It would be a good time to leave him, but you will need to do it in such a way that he leaves you alone period. He is bound not to and may well harass you, so you need to think carefully how you would do it as he wont make it easy. If you split with him I preduct he wont take no for an answer, so you need to extinguish any chance of getting back together. How old are you both btw?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He called me this morning but I was asleep and woke up to 2 missed calls and 3 texts asking 'what are you doing?', 'why aren't you answering?', 'you don't want to speak to me?', I literally called him back about 2 minutes after his last call but no answer. Looks like he's angry with me again today then. It just stresses me out as it makes me anxious it's distracting me from my coursework.
    He's probably not answering because he hulk smashed his phone after the first 2 missed calls.
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    Why are you with him?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He called me this morning but I was asleep and woke up to 2 missed calls and 3 texts asking 'what are you doing?', 'why aren't you answering?', 'you don't want to speak to me?', I literally called him back about 2 minutes after his last call but no answer. Looks like he's angry with me again today then. It just stresses me out as it makes me anxious it's distracting me from my coursework.
    You don't need this in your life, get rid.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. He's always been a really sweet, affectionate guy. He's told me once that he's a bit aggressive with men, but I just couldn't even imagine him being like that. Today he was asking where I spent my day yesterday, I said I was with my group of friends (2 guys- gay couple, 2 girls).

    He got really, really angry and he said 'you've made me angry, I told you I don't like you near men, no speaking, no friends, nothing.. you obviously didn't listen and don't care what I think', then he kept pestering me for their numbers?! I was really anxious at this point and lied saying I deleted them to stop him going to beat my friends or whatever he wanted to do. I said 'why are you angry, my guy friends are actually GAY, they won't ever like me', he just kept asking. I said 'are you really this angry?'. He said 'no believe me you don't even want to see me angry'. How can he change so quickly? How can he be so angry just because I spoke to a male, they're gay and together for crying out loud. I'm so shocked, it just happened an hour ago.
    dont worry , i understand how you feel my best friend went through a similar situation and i was there through all of it , but the harsh reality is people change , people move on and you dont really see the true colours of a person until you stay long enough with that person. i honestly think and im sot saying move on but do what your heart says , as today he got angry and shouted at you and if you told him the numbers he could have with his anger gone to beat your friends and God forbid but if he got angry over this what if he gets angry over something else and beats you, it is something to think about long term
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. He's always been a really sweet, affectionate guy. He's told me once that he's a bit aggressive with men, but I just couldn't even imagine him being like that. Today he was asking where I spent my day yesterday, I said I was with my group of friends (2 guys- gay couple, 2 girls).

    He got really, really angry and he said 'you've made me angry, I told you I don't like you near men, no speaking, no friends, nothing.. you obviously didn't listen and don't care what I think', then he kept pestering me for their numbers?! I was really anxious at this point and lied saying I deleted them to stop him going to beat my friends or whatever he wanted to do. I said 'why are you angry, my guy friends are actually GAY, they won't ever like me', he just kept asking. I said 'are you really this angry?'. He said 'no believe me you don't even want to see me angry'. How can he change so quickly? How can he be so angry just because I spoke to a male, they're gay and together for crying out loud. I'm so shocked, it just happened an hour ago.
    He's frightening you with his behaviour and for good reason you are being frightened!

    Such insecurity to that degree is really ridiculous. What is wrong with him that is so protective? Some level is good but he's going to take your freedom away and the closer you get to him the more protective he'll get. Before you know it he'll be telling you which female friends you are allowed to go out with or not and which bars you can go to etc...

    You need to have a stern word with him. Tell him how ridiculous this approach and how abnormal it is and that you won't tolerate it. Also try to decipher why he is actually like this... What's his problem? It is very abnormal.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He called me this morning but I was asleep and woke up to 2 missed calls and 3 texts asking 'what are you doing?', 'why aren't you answering?', 'you don't want to speak to me?', I literally called him back about 2 minutes after his last call but no answer. Looks like he's angry with me again today then. It just stresses me out as it makes me anxious it's distracting me from my coursework.
    He seems out of order in my opinion and you shouldn't be feeling anxious about this and let your studies down just because of a guy. Just imagine living with someone with this type of mentality, you shouldn't let him dictate your life. I just read your post about the gym thing and it reminded me when I got into an argument with a Muslim guy I used to know when he said that women shouldn't be allowed to go to the gym. He also said that women shouldn't be allowed to work, so just have a think would someone who doesn't allow you to go to the gym allow you to get out of the house and work? It's ridiculous in my opinion.
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    Update #2: thank you everyone for all of your responses. He did the weirdest thing today. We ended up video calling, and he asked if I was alright, then said he's just studying at the library, then panned the camera to a girl opposite him, I genuinely didn't think anything of it so didn't acknowledge it and carried on talking. He said to me later 'I was in the library with friends today, studying with my friend.. my friend is a girl'. I then understood what was going on, he was trying to see if I'd lash out at him when I saw the girl (failed), so he had to spell it out for me basically.

    He said 'why didn't you say anything when you saw the girl before', I told him I did see the girl and I didn't say anything because it was alright and I trust him, THEN I went on to say he was being hypocritical saying I couldn't have male friends yet openly tells me he's with a girl, he said 'don't worry I won't speak to her again'. I think he was trying to make me jealous which failed because I'm not really a jealous person.
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    Do weight training and stay fit so you don't feel as weak/helpless. Even better learn self defence.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He seems out of order in my opinion and you shouldn't be feeling anxious about this and let your studies down just because of a guy. Just imagine living with someone with this type of mentality, you shouldn't let him dictate your life. I just read your post about the gym thing and it reminded me when I got into an argument with a Muslim guy I used to know when he said that women shouldn't be allowed to go to the gym. He also said that women shouldn't be allowed to work, so just have a think would someone who doesn't allow you to go to the gym allow you to get out of the house and work? It's ridiculous in my opinion.
    why did this Muslim man think that women shouldn't be allowed to go to the gym? I mean I don't understand why my own boyfriend keeps questioning WHY I'm going to the gym, it's a bit obvious that I like to keep fit and know it's good for me, yet he repeatedly asks why I go often and says I don't need to go, then I tell him it's a hobby of mine like football is his!
 
 
 
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