Trapped

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me at the moment.

The background story
* I suffered from depression for several years; self harmed regularly from 14-18 (I'm 20 now) and was generally quite messed up
* I essentially sorted myself out when I went to uni

I can't really remember when the backward slide started. I know that last summer I was happy, and that I didn't get myself sorted out straight away when I went to uni (which was the final kickstart to stop hurting myself). But let's say there was a good 6 months when I felt pretty normal.

Since then...
It's really hard to pinpoint what's actually wrong. I know that this time last year I had a majorly bad couple of months after nice new boyfriend, to whom I never even mentioned my past because I seemed so past it that it didn't even occur to me, slept with somebody else. But I'm mainly noticing this now. I'm at my parents' house over the summer vacation - and they live in the middle of nowhere, having moved when I went to uni. So I know nobody; I don't have a job, because I can't drive, and I'm essentially stuck in my own company 24-7

The worst thing is that I'm completely paranoid. This is the ridiculous thing - in recent months I have a lovely new boyfriend, who is very nice and very understanding, and - other than occasionally being slightly clueless - is very good at keeping me on the straight and narrow (as in I don't get upset, rather than he helps me feel better when I do). The probelm is I have a very over active imagination. Not that I actually ever think he'd break up with me or cheat or anything. But I'll start off wtih a tiny fragment of a worry and really really build it up. Like I've been writing to him since we've been away from uni. And it occurred to me this might be seen as sort of obsessive (every week like clockwork....) - bear in mind at this point that I visited and he has all my letters lined up on his desk and he says he loves them etc etc I have no reason whatsoever to think he sees it as anything other than lovely. But I get this into my head and kind of construct this whole alternate reality in my head. Like he tells me it's obsessive, I say woah I just thought this was affectionate, we stop speaking for a few days, then he tells me it's not going to work....

It's RIDICULOUS. It has NO BASIS in reality. But I still do it - to the point where I make myself cry and feel awful. It's not just that, it's everything, but it's really starting to get to me. It's making me nervous and paranoid, and then I start worrying that bearing in mind he fell for this bubbly outgoing crazy sorta gal that the paranoid depressive reality isn't the same and he'll tell me he wants to call it quits.

The thing is I've done this for as long as I can remember (as in even in my early teens I'd do this - kinda like how you daydream about a future with your crush but my version is black and nasty) - and I know it's not all the time (but it's a big enough deal that when I have a few days of my standard happy pink warmness that I get when we're actually together I make a point of telling him, because I'm that happy).

Basically I'm sorry this is epic, and I'm sorry there's probably no answer. But I just feel sort of helpless and want to get it out. :frown:

Reply 1

khil

The bright side of what you've said is - You KNOW that it's irrational, you KNOW that your fear has no basis in reality. That's the most important thing - you know it, so now, you can do something about it. If it's irrational, then it's not based on reality, and if it's not reality, then it's an illusion, and therefore there IS an escape, you CAN get out of the illusion, because it's not real.

You just gotta keep reminding yourself that you're being paranoid, and be confident in yourself and in your boyfriend's love for you. If there's nothing to make you think the way you do - then stop thinking it. Don't fuel it. If something worries you, don't ignore it IF there is reason and evidence to support your worry. If there is no reason and evidence behind your worry, then it's paranoia, so don't think of it and don't fuel it.

If the paranoia gets too much, talk to your boyfriend. It's ok to let him know. You should tell him about your past so that he can understand your situation. If he understands your situation and background, he will be more understanding to your paranoia, and is more likely to comfort you when necessary. This will mean that you are assured that he understands and therefore won't react negatively to it, and that might give your paranoia some rest. (and no doubt upon telling him, you'll then get paranoid that he might dump you cus you think that he wouldn't want such responsibility - if/when that happens, remind yourself how well he's still treating you and how understanding he is being and realise that he does not mind, and in fact just cares about you. Realise that he loves you.)

I find that talking to my bf when I get paranoid actually really helps calm my paranoia. I think being honest with him about your background might be best, so he can help you get out of this, and so you won't feel so alone in this.

And another thing - can't you meet up with some friends or maybe go job hunting? (I guess job hunting is a little late now that uni's almost starting) - but try and occupy your time. Meet up with people, or otherwise, go for a jog, a walk, go read a book, go draw or write. Just occupy your time - as soon as you have something to do, you'll feel a lot better. I was miserable at the start of this summer cus all my friends were away and I had nothing to do , my sister's at uni still (MA) and my parents are at work during the day. I started going swimming with a friend and wanted to get fitter, so I started to do some brisk walking down into town and then I'd come home and enjoy a nice bath and then doze for a bit. That relaxed me so much and for the first time in a month or two I felt like I was enjoying myself, finally, and enjoying my summer. It's worth coming up with some ideas as to what you could do to occupy your time :smile: