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My gf wants to go on a 'girls holiday' Watch

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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    Am I wrong in not wanting her to go without me?

    It's ok to miss someone and want to go, but its essentially like taking your mum on a day out. You arent wanted. Uts a girls holiday and you insist on making it difficult plus embarrassing her becayse you feel left out.

    She says everyone needs/have a 'girls' holiday. Do they?

    Clearly she does, but you are showing good signs you dont trust her. A relationship isnt a prison. You cna go on a lad holiday if you ask. To put down ultimatums and start ordering people about is a poor way to keep someone or show them you care.

    If i let her go and something bad happens to her is it my fault?


    Ofc it isnt. You arent god. You arent her dad. presumably she's an adult and is entitled to make decisions for herself without your permission.

    Other points.

    1. You said the act was random. That means it could jsut as much happen at home. Just tell her to be careful and dont get blund drunk or go out alone etc. Acoid repeating what happened last time.

    2. You saying you will go, when you obviously arent invited is an embarrassment

    3. Arguing over group chat and making her look bad wasnt cool. You should have kept it private.

    4. You arent showing you care or trust , but you are controlling and mistrusting imo. let her go and wish her well for goodness sake.

    5. The bit at the end made you look a prat in front of her friends. It was a very immature Ive made my mind up and go against me if you dare- sort of controlling/ sulking comment.

    6. I found your reasons for her not hoing looked poor, were presented badly and didnt amount to much. You should think long term and whether you respect her to be able to make up her own mind. If she chooses not to go now she will resent you for it. You need to rethink how you will resolve this. Your approach so far has been terrible.
    I should have mentioned I wasn't in the group chat, but we go on each others phones and messages, that was her idea by the way. In reply to your other points about me not playing this very well I will agree and say that it's something i've not delt with before and so really I don't know what to do.
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    (Original post by SpicyItalian)
    Hahaha she's not the type to cheat
    well I just hope you're right and it's not just wishful thinking..

    edited...
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    (Original post by SpicyItalian)
    I should have mentioned I wasn't in the group chat, but we go on each others phones and messages, that was her idea by the way. In reply to your other points about me not playing this very well I will agree and say that it's something i've not delt with before and so really I don't know what to do.
    Whatever age you are then you have to decide the person you wish to be an how you handle such situations in future.

    Treat her like an adult. be her friend not her controller.

    Go through the pros and cons of going, but respect it is her choice.
    If she chooses to go be fine with it, but be wary and point out she needs to avoid obvious risks.

    If she gets run over by a bus- she gets run over. Nothing you cna do about that.
    Make sure she has insurance, maybe carries a rape alarm or reads some advice on personal safety et. thats it.
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    (Original post by ANM775)
    well I just hope you're right and it's not just wishful thinking..

    but here's Club Reps for anyone who interested:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsCtzl8qufY
    So it's like porn for people who haven't discovered the Internet?
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    (Original post by Abdukazam)
    So it's like porn for people who haven't discovered the Internet?
    erm .....on second thoughts it is a bit strong in content.....

    link removed lol

    but yeah, It's been many years since I watched that show, but I could never forget what I saw, it was popular ..probably cause some of the stuff was so shocking
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    OP, you seem genuine in your care for her, but you also seem like you have controlling and emotionally manipulating tendencies. I'm sure you only do it when you think it's for her best interest, but really, all you can (and should) do is advise her so that she can make her own informed decision.

    If something happens, and she comes back broken, that's not your fault. It's also not bad of you to leave her, to be honest I don't think most people want to be in a relationship with someone who's completely broken, especially if it was due to her own decision.
    You also shouldn't feel guilty if she loses you - she should accept that as a consequence of her decision. She's not your responsibility, even if she may have had a rough life, it's not your burden to bear. Of course, I'm talking in terms of the hypothetical scenario that everything takes a turn for the worse. Hopefully it won't; chances are the holiday will go smoothly, don't worry.

    Oh, and lastly, I would feel embarrassed if my partner was the only guy on what's supposed to be an all girls' holiday.
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    (Original post by SpicyItalian)
    So a couple of weeks back she messaged me saying that she was pretty much going on a girls holiday to Zante and she asked if I was okay with it. (Not booked just lightly discussed, no details etc apart from location)

    First of all, I will give my answer and then explain why and then tell you the key points to our conversation following my answer.

    So I told her that no, I wasn't happy with it. My reason being is that before we started dating she went on a girls holiday with a different set of friends and while there she was beaten up badly by her best mate at the time. It was a completely random attack at their hotel. Anyway as I'm sure you can imagine it has had a huge effect on her, on top of her past, which before that wasn't great either. I just don't want this to happen again because it will destroy what is left of her. I know if I'm there it wont happen.

    Anyway, she said she was going and didn't need my permission, saying it's because I don't trust her. I said to her that il go with her, what activity would they be doing that a lad couldn't, especially her own BF. It's just drinking and shopping..... At this point she was in a group chat with her mates and so I asked her to give me a good reason why I can't go and a lassie in there said ' the lads had their own holiday so why can't we', well that didn't include me so wasn't accepted as a reason. I have recently read the rest of the messages from the group and a friend who talked about the holiday to her and one girl in private was telling her that she shouldn't let me win and I don't trust her. Well it's not about trust at all its about caring for her.

    The conversation finished with me saying that I'm just going to assume she isn't going and we can discuss it another time but she can make her choice now i've given her my thoughts on the matter.


    So a few questions.....

    Am I wrong in not wanting her to go without me?
    She says everyone needs/have a 'girls' holiday. Do they?
    If i let her go and something bad happens to her is it my fault?

    Also any other thoughts are welcome
    Wtf is wrong with you thinking it's appropriate that you go??? You sound like an extremely controlling person... and Then trying to pass it off as "protecting" her... mate SHE is the one that was beaten up and if SHE, as the autonomous person she is, decides that doesnt bother her and shes ok to go, the who tf are you to actuallu thimk you can tell her no!! A normal boyfriend would express his concern but end it there!
    The guys saying she'll cheat if you "let" her go... Well maybe you shouldn't be so insecure in your relationship. Any relationship that involves "letting" the other person do something normal like a holiday with friends is a **** relationship.

    If you were there it would literally ruin the holiday for her and her friends. They are going to spend time with eachother, not have you hanging around even if they do like you.

    And your whole post sounds SO chauvinistic by the way 😷😷😷😷😷😷
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    (Original post by SpicyItalian)
    CleverSquirrel MissIntrov


    Thank you both !


    The fact is, her going is down to me. Only been dating since July/August but I know her. I know she won't go if I tell her 'I don't know how il feel when you get back'. But that's emotional blackmail right? She has said she can't bear to lose anyone else, especially me. I dont want her to go without me for her safety but Im also questioning the morality of giving her that ultimatum.
    Yeah I've read enough. You sound so unpleasant and manipulative. Poor girl.
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    (Original post by Moura)
    Wtf is wrong with you thinking it's appropriate that you go??? You sound like an extremely controlling person... and Then trying to pass it off as "protecting" her... mate SHE is the one that was beaten up and if SHE, as the autonomous person she is, decides that doesnt bother her and shes ok to go, the who tf are you to actuallu thimk you can tell her no!! A normal boyfriend would express his concern but end it there!
    The guys saying she'll cheat if you "let" her go... Well maybe you shouldn't be so insecure in your relationship. Any relationship that involves "letting" the other person do something normal like a holiday with friends is a **** relationship.

    If you were there it would literally ruin the holiday for her and her friends. They are going to spend time with eachother, not have you hanging around even if they do like you.

    And your whole post sounds SO chauvinistic by the way 😷😷😷😷😷😷
    Of course how I sound to you may not be how I actually am. So assume Im not controlling, ultimately I would never physically stop her doing something. And when I look as my previous relationships I don't believe I was at all, they never complained I was.

    And nah I said I dont think she would cheat shes not the type to. Therefore Its purely about her getting hurt again, which I know would push her past breaking point and im talking about suicide. I cant go into detail about what shes said but trust me.
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    (Original post by Moura)
    Yeah I've read enough. You sound so unpleasant and manipulative. Poor girl.
    Because you don't know the severity of her past fully and you don't understand its fine you think that way.
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    (Original post by SpicyItalian)
    Of course how I sound to you may not be how I actually am. So assume Im not controlling, ultimately I would never physically stop her doing something. And when I look as my previous relationships I don't believe I was at all, they never complained I was.

    And nah I said I dont think she would cheat shes not the type to. Therefore Its purely about her getting hurt again, which I know would push her past breaking point and im talking about suicide. I cant go into detail about what shes said but trust me.
    Obviously I'm just going off what you've written and you can consider my assessment off that in relation to all the details you can't post online. Ultimately my opinion on you doesn't matter or change anything I am just commenting on your behaviour as described in this thread.

    Just because you aren't physically restraining her from going, it does not mean you aren't acting in an equally controlling manner using emotions and guilt as the restraints which is arguably just as bad, especially considering youre saying that her mental health isn't great.

    You can't babysit her or prevent her living her life for your whole relationship. That isnt a relationship. What if she comes back after an amazing week with her friends feeling super happy, more independent and confident? Why isn't that equally or more likely to happen? Why would soemthing bad happen?
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    (Original post by SpicyItalian)
    Because you don't know the severity of her past fully and you don't understand its fine you think that way.
    To me it sounds like youre quite happy to use the fragility of her mental health and her dépendance on you in order to manipulate and get your own way. How could you say "I don't know how I'd feel about you if you went" to someone you care about? Over a holiday with her friends????
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    (Original post by Moura)
    Obviously I'm just going off what you've written and you can consider my assessment off that in relation to all the details you can't post online. Ultimately my opinion on you doesn't matter or change anything I am just commenting on your behaviour as described in this thread.

    Just because you aren't physically restraining her from going, it does not mean you aren't acting in an equally controlling manner using emotions and guilt as the restraints which is arguably just as bad, especially considering youre saying that her mental health isn't great.

    You can't babysit her or prevent her living her life for your whole relationship. That isnt a relationship. What if she comes back after an amazing week with her friends feeling super happy, more independent and confident? Why isn't that equally or more likely to happen? Why would soemthing bad happen?
    Assuming there's a 50/50 of it being a really good time or something bad happening then I have to ask myself do I want to risk it and hope it's good or take away any risk and ask her to not go. By not going she will be likely to understand in time just maybe not immediately. There are alternative activites I could do with her which will make her just as happy as going without any of the above risk.
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    (Original post by Moura)
    To me it sounds like youre quite happy to use the fragility of her mental health and her dépendance on you in order to manipulate and get your own way. How could you say "I don't know how I'd feel about you if you went" to someone you care about? Over a holiday with her friends????
    Over a holiday with her friends which could easily kill her and it nearly has in the past. If her last holiday hadn't of gone so badly I wouldn't worry.
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    You can't stop her going on holiday, she is entitled to have a life.
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    (Original post by SpicyItalian)
    Assuming there's a 50/50 of it being a really good time or something bad happening then I have to ask myself do I want to risk it and hope it's good or take away any risk and ask her to not go. By not going she will be likely to understand in time just maybe not immediately. There are alternative activites I could do with her which will make her just as happy as going without any of the above risk.
    (Original post by SpicyItalian)
    Over a holiday with her friends which could easily kill her and it nearly has in the past. If her last holiday hadn't of gone so badly I wouldn't worry.
    It literally is not 50/50... the chance itll go bad is so low and its her "risk" to take. Anyway i give up. Going with you isnt the point, shes entitled to have fun with her friends. Do you not have any friends or something? You're trying to justif your controlling manipulative behaviour characterised by

    1. Telling her what to do
    2. Emotionally manipulating her and blackmailing her to feel guilty if she doesn't do what you say
    3. Cutting her off from her friends and expecting her to do everything with you instead.

    You're her boyfriend yes but she's allowed to want to have friends and to prefer doing things with them without you.

    Anyway like I said I give up. I wish her luck and hope she gets better mentally too.
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    (Original post by Moura)
    It literally is not 50/50... the chance itll go bad is so low and its her "risk" to take. Anyway i give up. Going with you isnt the point, shes entitled to have fun with her friends. Do you not have any friends or something? You're trying to justif your controlling manipulative behaviour characterised by

    1. Telling her what to do
    2. Emotionally manipulating her and blackmailing her to feel guilty if she doesn't do what you say
    3. Cutting her off from her friends and expecting her to do everything with you instead.

    You're her boyfriend yes but she's allowed to want to have friends and to prefer doing things with them without you.

    Anyway like I said I give up. I wish her luck and hope she gets better mentally too.
    Thing is she wanted me to go but her friends said girls only.

    Your first 2 points are spot on but me doing that doesnt benefit me. Your thirs point well shes goes out quite a lot but Im not far away so I can be there pretty quick. So nah no ones cutting her off from her mates
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    You can't stop her going on holiday, she is entitled to have a life.
    I want her to make her own choice. Which she will. I can't not have an influence on her decision though, by her asking me I already have.
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    (Original post by SpicyItalian)
    I want her to make her own choice. Which she will. I can't not have an influence on her decision though, by her asking me I already have.
    You said this "I know she won't go if I tell her 'I don't know how il feel when you get back'. But that's emotional blackmail right? She has said she can't bear to lose anyone else, especially me. I dont want her to go without me for her safety but Im also questioning the morality of giving her that ultimatum." - That doesn't exactly sound like you want her to make her own choice. You want her to make her own choice as long as it's the one you want and are comfortable with.
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    Whether she goes or doesn't you two need to work on your communication and boundaries if you want to last.
 
 
 
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