I feel trapped.

I'm doing a computing course after having a really unsuccessful two years after graduating. I've been programming to some degree since second year of uni where there was a very basic component of it as part of my course and I tried to teach myself C++ (I had not much idea or education of what programming was and how to go about learning it so I ended up trying to learn what is arguably one of the hardest languages...). I sort of gave up after second year as I didn't need to do any in my final year.

Then when I graduated I ended up getting very few interviews for lab technician type jobs all of which I got rejected from and ended up getting a warehouse job for 6months which was horrible. It was during that 6 months I started to try and learn programming again. I've been doing online tutorials and things since then in between temp warehouse work. 2 years later and still unemployed or in min wage sweatshop jobs I decided to go back to uni.

In those two years I also got diagnosed with depression, was on anti-depressants and had cbt.

After all that i still can't actually program to any real degree. All I can do is follow tutorials (and even then my code will not work like it is supposed to or I will have bugs I do not understand how to fix which means I have to give up). I can't actually make anything from scratch on my own. I tried making a vary basic platforming game where the levels would procedural generate but I could only manage by looking at the source code of the game I was basing it on and trying to copy bits and even then I got barely anyway.

I've spent today reading about programming aptitude and stuff and have come to the conclusion that it seems I'm just on of the people that can't really program. After having spent three years trying to program I should be a lot better than i am now. I have a bad work ethic generally due to feeling hopeless all the time and find it hard to be interesting in anything.

I thought I would be able to program due to having a physics degree (I got a 2:i) and it requiring a similar mindset. but then when i think about it I was crap at physics as well. The same problems I can identify with my programming ability I can see in my physics ability. I can't actually do anything on my own. I also wanted to be able to do lab work but tried doping that at uni and was hopeless at that as well and have given up trying to get lab technician jobs.

I can't do anything physics related or computing related.I can't do humanities subjects as I hate essay writing and am not very good at it anyway and I have social anxiety so can not do a "people focused job". The only thing I know I can do and be paid (very poorly) to do it is min wage sweatshop warehouse jobs. I could only cope doing that before is because I knew they would never last forever and I still had some kind of hope (even if it fleeting hope) things would improve. it is also somewhat acceptable to be living at home with parents in early 20s as well. Juts doing warehouse jobs forever though with no end in sight makes me feel trapped. It just wrecks me as a human and I can't enjoy anything and it makes life revolve around ****.

Also my cbt has stopped so I have lost the one person I could talk to. I don't know how useful the cbt actually was but I liked having her to talk to.

I feel like I do not have an escape route.

I also discovered I have death anxiety when doing cbt ( I wasn't treated for this) and it flares up massively when I feel like my life is being wasted.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 1

cheesecakelove

Do you say that you got a 2:1 in Physics? That is a great achievement! You mention that you don't feel really confident in the area of your degree, so have you considered looking at other career paths? I know a lot of people who ended up working (grad schemes and normal jobs) in different areas to their degree, such as English student in an accountancy grad scheme or Physics student working in teaching. Take time to consider your interests and what skills you developed during your degree, for example, research, team working, presentation skills...

In terms of conquering your social anxiety, have you thought about going out with friends, starting a new hobby or club and meeting new people? In these situations, it is more relaxed so you won't feel pressure to talk. Other options are volunteering - even if it is just an hour a week, it gets you out of the house and conversing with others, and you can learn new skills to put on a CV.

Don't lose hope. You are still young and I have confidence that you will find your way. It is a common feeling that others share, even if you can't see it. Lots of people are always striving for a perfect job and feel lost sometimes, but if you surround yourself with a positive mindset and the right people, you will get there.

I feel trapped.

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