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Your opinion on the silent treatment? Watch

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    (Original post by xylas)
    The way I read this (and something similar has happened to me before), none of you are 'in the wrong'. I probably wouldn't have sent her a long message like you did. Some if not most girls will expect you to come grovelling to them to set a precedent which is extremely difficult to get out of.

    She knows exactly what she's doing but wants to come out on top. I guarantee if you buy her something nice as a surprise she will come round. But obviously if you don't think she's worth that because of how she's making you feel then don't.

    Think about all the things she offers you. Does she buy you anything/organise outings for you both or is it just you?
    Naaaaah.

    It's just me.

    I'm over this game.

    Got a new job at some university union clubs coming up next weekend. So time to going to scouting for girls I think...
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    (Original post by TorpidPhil)
    Naaaaah.

    It's just me.

    I'm over this game.

    Got a new job at some university union clubs coming up next weekend. So time to going to scouting for girls I think...
    So have you decided to end the relationship?
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    (Original post by TorpidPhil)
    Naaaaah.

    It's just me.

    I'm over this game.

    Got a new job at some university union clubs coming up next weekend. So time to going to scouting for girls I think...
    Yes that sounds like a much more fun game. Wish you luck
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    (Original post by EC)
    So have you decided to end the relationship?
    Given her until end of tomorrow to get back to me and we'll see from there.

    Not particularly happy with it all though and I may have been a bit ranty so... Probs over.

    Which is a real bummer, but I'll get over her pretty quick I suspect when I'm kissing someone else.
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    (Original post by TorpidPhil)
    Given her until end of tomorrow to get back to me and we'll see from there.

    Not particularly happy with it all though and I may have been a bit ranty so... Probs over.

    Which is a real bummer, but I'll get over her pretty quick I suspect when I'm kissing someone else.
    If she contacts you tomorrow please don't let things like they are..your partner can't get away with treating you like that. She has to learn from her mistakes.

    I don't imagine you getting over a serious relationship that quickly, but it would be better to distance yourself from this kind of people.
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    (Original post by EC)
    If she contacts you tomorrow please don't let things like they are..your partner can't get away with treating you like that. She has to learn from her mistakes.

    I don't imagine you getting over a serious relationship that quickly, but it would be better to distance yourself from this kind of people.
    I think I've made it very clear to her with what I said that I won't tolerate such behaviour and that if she doesn't actively try and resist going along with every emotional urge that she gets I will no longer wish to be with her.

    I don't know if she can though. But regardless, it doesn't matter. If she doesn't, whether she can or not, I shouldn't be the one that has to suffer alongside her so...

    No, obviously I won't lol and I don't do casual sex either so I won't even get that level of intimacy. Tbh I wish I could just do the sex thing because Christ do I need it right now. Been so long. In the 2months I was with this girl I never even did it because she's a Christian and worried about losing her virginity so needs her time... *sigh*

    Yeah, God cares so much about a **** going inside you but when you're sucking people off in public he doesn't give a damn. Makes sense.

    I was just saying I would in an attempt to persuade myself I would :P
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    (Original post by TorpidPhil)
    I think I've made it very clear to her with what I said that I won't tolerate such behaviour and that if she doesn't actively try and resist going along with every emotional urge that she gets I will no longer wish to be with her.

    I don't know if she can though. But regardless, it doesn't matter. If she doesn't, whether she can or not, I shouldn't be the one that has to suffer alongside her so...

    No, obviously I won't lol and I don't do casual sex either so I won't even get that level of intimacy. Tbh I wish I could just do the sex thing because Christ do I need it right now. Been so long. In the 2months I was with this girl I never even did it because she's a Christian and worried about losing her virginity so needs her time... *sigh*

    Yeah, God cares so much about a **** going inside you but when you're sucking people off in public he doesn't give a damn. Makes sense.

    I was just saying I would in an attempt to persuade myself I would :P
    Well it depends if you actually want to go along in this emotional journey with her and help her improve with the risk of getting hurt even more and not succeed..

    Oh so this is a 2 month relationship, I guess you passed the honey moon period or it just doesn't work. And it seems you both need different things from this relationship so you're not satisfying each other. Lmao.

    I don't get that concept either, I mean it depends on the environment she grew up in and her family, the way they raise her. My family is also Christian, but I'm not religious at all and they never made me believe in anything I didn't want to and my mom has always been really open about discussions that involved sex.
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    (Original post by EC)
    Well it depends if you actually want to go along in this emotional journey with her and help her improve with the risk of getting hurt even more and not succeed..

    Oh so this is a 2 month relationship, I guess you passed the honey moon period or it just doesn't work. And it seems you both need different things from this relationship so you're not satisfying each other. Lmao.

    I don't get that concept either, I mean it depends on the environment she grew up in and her family, the way they raise her. My family is also Christian, but I'm not religious at all and they never made me believe in anything I didn't want to and my mom has always been really open about discussions that involved sex.
    I very early on noticed how hyper emotional she was and decided I did wanna truck along for that. I feel like once we actually get to the level of sleeping with one another. Lying there for a whole day, just being around one another. We'll have developed enough trust for it to work out. But by God am I struggling to get to that level in the first place! And then she pulls **** like this and it only serves, I feel, to drift us further apart. It's really self-destructive and I cannot understand how an otherwise seemingly intelligent girl cannot introspect well enough to realise what she is doing.

    I'll see. See how she responds, if she responds. I'm not totally hopeless. Just mostly hopeless :P

    You passed the honey moon period or it just doesn't work? What? Lol. Well, I obviously need sex at one point. Some point. Comeon. Man's been waiting around for months now, getting a little silly. Doesn't help that she's so damn overtly sexually wanting me either. It's like she is intent on torturing herself. No idea...
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    (Original post by TorpidPhil)
    I very early on noticed how hyper emotional she was and decided I did wanna truck along for that. I feel like once we actually get to the level of sleeping with one another. Lying there for a whole day, just being around one another. We'll have developed enough trust for it to work out. But by God am I struggling to get to that level in the first place! And then she pulls **** like this and it only serves, I feel, to drift us further apart. It's really self-destructive and I cannot understand how an otherwise seemingly intelligent girl cannot introspect well enough to realise what she is doing.

    I'll see. See how she responds, if she responds. I'm not totally hopeless. Just mostly hopeless :P

    You passed the honey moon period or it just doesn't work? What? Lol. Well, I obviously need sex at one point. Some point. Comeon. Man's been waiting around for months now, getting a little silly. Doesn't help that she's so damn overtly sexually wanting me either. It's like she is intent on torturing herself. No idea...
    Well yeah, it does certainly help doing that as it builds up your intimate level, but before having sex you also need to build up trust and get along that's why I said it doesn't seem to work and especially cause when you're only at 2 months there shouldn't be these arguments.

    And of course you're drifting apart, it creates all this unnecessary tension between you two. If she wants to sleep with you as much as you want it's only a matter of time.
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    (Original post by EC)
    Well yeah, it does certainly help doing that as it builds up your intimate level, but before having sex you also need to build up trust and get along that's why I said it doesn't seem to work and especially cause when you're only at 2 months there shouldn't be these arguments.

    And of course you're drifting apart, it creates all this unnecessary tension between you two. If she wants to sleep with you as much as you want it's only a matter of time.
    Yup. too damn right.

    Had a relationship that lasted over a year and during that not once did I have an argument so...

    I had one that lasted 6month and had to end abruptly unfortunately due to external reasons. Not one actual argument.

    Because if we disagreed we could just discuss it openly and maturely... Come to some compromise and move on.

    This isn't happening here. Everytime I feel like I am getting closer to this girl. Allowing her to begin to trust me more and share her feelings openly and confidently with me I end up misinterpreting something she says and all hell breaks loose. Massive argument. Shouting, swearing, insulting... Hmph.

    I've raised this point before - that this is most certainly not normal, and that it has never happened for me in a relationship before. I've pointed out to her on several occasions her emotional immaturity. Yet it keeps happening. I guess I have just been lazy and settled for a sub-par relationship it seems.
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    (Original post by TorpidPhil)
    Yup. too damn right.

    Had a relationship that lasted over a year and during that not once did I have an argument so...

    I had one that lasted 6month and had to end abruptly unfortunately due to external reasons. Not one actual argument.

    Because if we disagreed we could just discuss it openly and maturely... Come to some compromise and move on.

    This isn't happening here. Everytime I feel like I am getting closer to this girl. Allowing her to begin to trust me more and share her feelings openly and confidently with me I end up misinterpreting something she says and all hell breaks loose. Massive argument. Shouting, swearing, insulting... Hmph.

    I've raised this point before - that this is most certainly not normal, and that it has never happened for me in a relationship before. I've pointed out to her on several occasions her emotional immaturity. Yet it keeps happening. I guess I have just been lazy and settled for a sub-par relationship it seems.
    A relationship where there are constant fights and disagreements, misinterpretation..can't possibly compare to a relationship in which both partners get along and simply communicate what's on their mind when they feel like something's wrong, without raising their voice. I mean discussing it maturly is really beneficial, but arguing that involves swearing and insults..that's just not healthy at all.

    You're not on the same emotional level, maybe she doesn't have the maturity to be that emotionally involved yet. And it's not your fault, you're simply not that compatible and you couldn't have possibly known that you wouldn't get along. It requires work and sacrifice to mentain a relationship and to grow together, but she may not even want to put all that effort in or she doesn't understand that's what it takes.

    Either way I'm sure you would be better if you'd let her go..
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    (Original post by TorpidPhil)
    So I'm currently 30hours into the silent treatment from my girlfriend. It is hurting a lot.

    In order to stop it hurting me because I need to focus on revising for exams right now, I've stopped caring about her. But that just means being tied down and not-single with this woman who is showing very little visible care for me is making me frustrated and angry with the whole relationship.

    Here's the story:

    On the saturday of this week we were meant to meet for a short coffee followed by watching la-la land at the movies. Basically, snuggles. I actually wanted to go ice-skating, but she wasn't down as she was too tired. I was getting the impression she just wanted something snuggly so I suggested the movies instead and that film (which is a romance if you didn't know). She agreed on the friday but said she'd get back to me the day after as she was too tired at that time.

    She knew my sleep routine involved going to bed at 4am and waking up at 1pm though because I had been working nights recently.

    I woke up at 1.15pm on the saturday to messages of "wake up, wake up" followed by "Meet me at X at 2pm".

    Obviously that is ridiculous. I'd only just woke up so I text her asking her to hold up...

    She immediately responds with "okay, I'm setting off now" after reading my message.

    So I ask her wtf is wrong with her? why can't she just wait for a moment to allow me to be able to get into town without extreme rushing (it takes me 40mins on bus to get into town + about 60mins to get ready because of medication I need to take these days in addition to everything else) and offer a consolation plan of meeting her at 4pm.

    And at this point she flips. Gets super defensive, pulls out the victim mentality card and begins to go on a rant about how terrible I am, how selfish I am, how unacceptable it is for me to call her names (I think she's literally getting delusional at this point because I have called her no insulting names yet).

    So I flip, because frankly I'm very annoyed at the whole scenario and probably woke up on the wrong side of bed because of it. I tell her that I'm no longer interested in seeing her at 4pm and would rather stay at home and get some revision done than go out of my way to meet up with her, try to make her have a good day and only end up being lectured on how terrible I am as a boyfriend.

    We then debated the ordeal for another hour until 3pm. After that she gave me the silent treatment claiming that no matter what she says it always seems to get interpreted by me in the worst way. It turns out she didn't intend to be so demanding in her original texts and that they were meant to imply that they were questions. As in "meet at 2 at x?". Certainly didn't at all read like that though. No apology given from her.

    30hours later, despite me being awake at 5am sending her an essay on how much I appreciate her (which was probably erroneous but then again... she is really insecure so...) she has not responded to me.

    And it hurts a lot. It's tearing me away from her.

    What would you guys do in this scenario?

    How do you feel generally about the 'silent treatment'?

    It seems an extremely unacceptable, immature way of dealing with conflict. I can't tolerate it at all.
    An ex of mine used to give me the silent treatment for everything I said 'no' too. Most people don't realise but it is a form of abuse and something which can spiral out of control, which in my case did. It really needs to be addressed as soon as.
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    (Original post by EC)
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    Annnnnd.

    Once again. She's read it but not got back to me.

    Wow. She really doesn't give a ****.

    Damn.

    Well don't I feel like a fool now.
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    (Original post by TorpidPhil)
    Annnnnd.

    Once again. She's read it but not got back to me.

    Wow. She really doesn't give a ****.

    Damn.

    Well don't I feel like a fool now.
    Stop waiting around for her answer, it's not worth it. She's going to regret it later, you'll see. And when she realizes what an immature behaviour she had, you will have better things to do.
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    (Original post by TorpidPhil)
    Annnnnd.

    Once again. She's read it but not got back to me.

    Wow. She really doesn't give a ****.

    Damn.

    Well don't I feel like a fool now.
    you not blocked her yet?
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    (Original post by ChickenMadness)
    you not blocked her yet?
    If I didn't want to be with her in the first place then I wouldn't have bothered to make this thread. I obviously would have just moved on immediately after she started doing it.

    I find it all extremely confusing. We've had many an argument before but she'd never gone silent on me. And this one was hardly a big deal either so I just don't understand it.

    Fortunately though these days I am a lot better in the depressive tendencies aspect as you raised before on the thread lolololol.

    So I do think I'll get over it pretty quickly once I actually accept her as gone.

    For now though I'm still hoping she will at some time in the near future come back grovelling. But we'll just have to wait and see I guess.

    I'm not gonna lie. I'm pretty demanding in terms of what I expect in a partner when it comes to dating. So, for it to have been mostly fun so far is a rare and relieving event. And the girl has perks...

    I also would feel bad just leaving her. It's not like she realises what a ***** she's being atm. She's just a wee bit ****ed in the head and ultimately I did and do want to give her a hand. Bah.
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    OK you may not want to hear this but just try and understand things from her point of view.

    She messaged you all happy and wanting to see you :
    you dampened her enthusiasm ( you got out of bed the wrong side - as you acknowledge).
    you told her you didn't want to see her at 1pm - then you would rather work than see her at all!
    you sent her a 'gigantic series of messages' but apparently no apology(?)
    you flipped.

    ( bet all that went down well . I'm not surprised she hasn't replied to you. I should think she doesn't know what to say, what you want - you're so erratic and bad tempered.

    then you tell us youve told her:
    she's emotionally immature
    how replaceable she is
    you won't tolerate her behavior.
    What! What were you thinking of? You insult her and belittle her and then wonder why she's 'emotional'??? It's a wonder she still been seeing you at all. She must have the patience of an angel.

    You tell us :
    that you're losing interest
    you're very upset
    it's a sub par relationship
    you may have been a bit ranty
    you'll soon get over her when you're kissing someone else.

    So do you or do you not want to make up with her?

    It strikes me that you need to grow up a lot before you can have a relationship with anyone. You seem to be able to misinterpret things very easily, ( as you acknowledge), you can't control yourself, that you are quite unconcerned about hurting other people's feelings and insulting them, you are not self aware.

    If she's any sense she'll have decided you're too much trouble.

    Now the good bits. It does seem as though somewhere in the back of your mind you do have an inkling that you have behaved badly on occasion. Now you need to learn from all this. If you have slanging matches with people, it won't improve matters, if you criticise them, insult them, it won't go down well. ( Amazingly.)

    Golden rules. If you can't say something nice, keep your mouth shut. Don't retaliate - it's very babyish.
    You are supposed to have a relationship to be nice to each other, not score points off each other. You are supposed to make her happy not criticise her, put her down. Good luck.
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    (Original post by pickup)
    OK you may not want to hear this but just try and understand things from her point of view.

    She messaged you all happy and wanting to see you :
    you dampened her enthusiasm ( you got out of bed the wrong side - as you acknowledge).
    you told her you didn't want to see her at 1pm - then you would rather work than see her at all!
    you sent her a 'gigantic series of messages' but apparently no apology(?)
    you flipped.

    ( bet all that went down well . I'm not surprised she hasn't replied to you. I should think she doesn't know what to say, what you want - you're so erratic and bad tempered.

    then you tell us youve told her:
    she's emotionally immature
    how replaceable she is
    you won't tolerate her behavior.
    What! What were you thinking of? You insult her and belittle her and then wonder why she's 'emotional'??? It's a wonder she still been seeing you at all. She must have the patience of an angel.

    You tell us :
    that you're losing interest
    you're very upset
    it's a sub par relationship
    you may have been a bit ranty
    you'll soon get over her when you're kissing someone else.

    So do you or do you not want to make up with her?

    It strikes me that you need to grow up a lot before you can have a relationship with anyone. You seem to be able to misinterpret things very easily, ( as you acknowledge), you can't control yourself, that you are quite unconcerned about hurting other people's feelings and insulting them, you are not self aware.

    If she's any sense she'll have decided you're too much trouble.

    Now the good bits. It does seem as though somewhere in the back of your mind you do have an inkling that you have behaved badly on occasion. Now you need to learn from all this. If you have slanging matches with people, it won't improve matters, if you criticise them, insult them, it won't go down well. ( Amazingly.)

    Golden rules. If you can't say something nice, keep your mouth shut. Don't retaliate - it's very babyish.
    You are supposed to have a relationship to be nice to each other, not score points off each other. You are supposed to make her happy not criticise her, put her down. Good luck.
    "you dampened her enthusiasm ( you got out of bed the wrong side - as you acknowledge).
    you told her you didn't want to see her at 1pm - then you would rather work than see her at all!
    you sent her a 'gigantic series of messages' but apparently no apology(?)
    you flipped."

    I did that, that's true.
    Yeah, but only after I'd already offered to see her at 4pm. And I only said that I didn't want to see her because I didn't see the allure in turning up only to be ranted at for really no reason.
    Hell no, no apology. What for???
    Well, insofar as I decided, "okay, sod this, I'm just not meeting her today, not in the mood to deal with this and I've quite literally, got more important things to be doing".

    I'm the erratic and bad tempered one? Now that's a funny claim... If only you knew this lady...

    No, no, it's only because of her hyper-emotionality and victim mentality that I have to tell her these things. It is only with her that I ever mis-interpret things. With others, it doesn't happen. With others I never argue, certainly not insult.

    I'm growing tired of responding the rest of this but it's essentially wrong and missing the point. The thread's purpose has out-lived itself so I suppose it can die here. Thanks to the help of external analysis I've realised the relationship was poor and thus I am moving on. Given that my relationship with this person in particular was bad alone I don't think I need to reevaluate my life and personality, but rather should just hurry up and move on!

    As I said elsewhere the getting over her by kissing someone else comments are simply not sincere and merely a facade. I'm highly self-aware and have very good self control.

    Unfortunately being a *****-boy in a relationship only takes one so far... And it seems that is what most 'romantic' girls seem to expect. I miss femininity.
 
 
 
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