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When to tell family about Muslim boyfriend? (both Muslim) Watch

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    Okay I know in Islam we aren't 'supposed' to have boyfriends and girlfriends, however, me and this boy have been together for a few months, we haven't done anything that we aren't supposed to do like sleeping with each other etc. We are both 22 years old, he is a good Muslim, he prays 5x a day, he is studying at university to become a doctor. I on the other hand, also try to be a good Muslim and I am studying my master's degree to work in the healthcare field.

    He has already told his parents about me, shown them pictures of me and they like me. I've also told my mother about him, she said as long as he is a good Muslim boy and is highly educated, she is okay with it as she knows I'm 22 now and she'd rather I find a guy I love than my parents having to find one for me. We've only been together 3 months and we are long distance also. I don't know when he thinks of marriage, I don't want to for a few years yet (until I graduate, have a stable job and am financially stable and he is too). How long to wait before subtly letting other family members know I'm seeing him? Our family are pretty liberal and agree with love marriages anyway as long as we don't sleep together.
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    Also, we did go into this relationship with the intention of marriage one day. He doesn't ever pressurize me into anything, he is always very respectful and he has all the qualities I would want in a future husband.
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    Sounds great.

    You ask "when to tell family about Muslim boyfriend", and then go on to say "I've also told my mother about him".

    What are you asking?
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      How long to wait before subtly letting other family members know I'm seeing him? Our family are pretty liberal and agree with love marriages anyway as long as we don't sleep together.
      Er, is it the done thing in Muslim families to let the extended family know early? I don't see why you should tell them unless you and he have decided to get married (as in, made an informal agreement to doing so in the near future).

      (Original post by Anonymous)
      Also, we did go into this relationship with the intention of marriage one day. He doesn't ever pressurize me into anything, he is always very respectful and he has all the qualities I would want in a future husband.
      That's all well and good but after three months it's just too soon to say anything for certain. You're probably still in the courtship phase and things could change yet...
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      (Original post by sirlancelot5)
      Sounds great.

      You ask "when to tell family about Muslim boyfriend", and then go on to say "I've also told my mother about him".

      What are you asking?
      If you actually read it, you'd see it says when to tell other family members about him 'other', mother is one, I mean the rest of the family. The title of this thread is the question I am asking.
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      Keep it between you and your parents until you're ready to invite him over for a rishta meeting and things progress officially.
      Telling relatives at this stage is only going to get them talking/interfering/judging.
      Plus it's only been 3 months and you don't plan to marry until after you've both finished education, that's probably a few more years, lots could change in that time.
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      (Original post by Hydeman)
      Er, is it the done thing in Muslim families to let the extended family know early? I don't see why you should tell them unless you and he have decided to get married (as in, made an informal agreement to doing so in the near future).



      That's all well and good but after three months it's just too soon to say anything for certain. You're probably still in the courtship phase and things could change yet...
      yeah you're right. No, it's not necessary to let extended family know, but he seems to have told everyone which is why I felt like maybe I should have done this too, but maybe he is just more open in general with family members. Also yes, three months is probably too soon, I was just reading up on similar stories to my own and there are scholars saying things like you should let the family know ASAP as it's forbidden to have secret relationships so I felt like I had to make this somewhat 'right'.
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      If you actually read it, you'd see it says when to tell other family members about him 'other', mother is one, I mean the rest of the family. The title of this thread is the question I am asking.
      I did read it! It would seem that you have told your family already. Surely your mother will have told your father something quite as important as this? Often the best course of action to take is nothing.

      Edit: Also, consider the stress that telling your family could add to the relationship, and make sure that you are both ready to take this extra stress before officially 'coming out' to your family
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      22 years old...
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      (Original post by pepe11)
      Keep it between you and your parents until you're ready to invite him over for a rishta meeting and things progress officially.
      Telling relatives at this stage is only going to get them talking/interfering/judging.
      Plus it's only been 3 months and you don't plan to marry until after you've both finished education, that's probably a few more years, lots could change in that time.
      Well this is another issue. Personally, I don't want to marry until after a few years have passed. He on the other hand, I don't actually know when he wants to. He often talks about marriage casually like if we're married, we'll do this and that basically everytime we speak, and I haven't asked even him when he wants to in case it looks like I really want to get married asap and he tries to propose in a few months or something because he seems keen! He lives really far from me (like 8 hours), and so it's never easy for us to see each other, we Skype or call most days and what if he doesn't want to wait a few years? Which is why I don't really want to bring it up.
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        (Original post by Anonymous)
        yeah you're right. No, it's not necessary to let extended family know, but he seems to have told everyone which is why I felt like maybe I should have done this too, but maybe he is just more open in general with family members. Also yes, three months is probably too soon, I was just reading up on similar stories to my own and there are scholars saying things like you should let the family know ASAP as it's forbidden to have secret relationships so I felt like I had to make this somewhat 'right'.
        Well, your mother knows. The usual meaning of letting your family know is letting your parents and siblings know. You shouldn't feel like you have to tell everyone just because he has - everyone has their own family considerations.
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        (Original post by sirlancelot5)
        I did read it! It would seem that you have told your family already. Surely your mother will have told your father something quite as important as this? Often the best course of action to take is nothing.

        Edit: Also, consider the stress that telling your family could add to the relationship, and make sure that you are both ready to take this extra stress before officially 'coming out' to your family
        Oh sorry if it came across that way in the post. I haven't dared to speak a word to anybody apart from my mother because the relationship is in it's early days. I just feel conflicted because in Islam we're taught not to sneak around and to tell our parents as soon as possible so they're aware and because the guy I'm with has gone and told everyone, friends, family, cousins etc. I didn't dare tell my dad in case he objects. I was really intimidated to tell my mum too but I did and she was over the moon surprisingly, I've no idea if she's told him about the situation or not, I did say to her to not tell anyone as it was only early days, we're just seeing how things go and marriage was way off into the future and she said this was a good idea.
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        Aslong as your Mum knows and is fine with it, then it doesn't matter in my opinion. I wouldn't tell my Dad about my relationships that early on but I'd feel comfortable in confiding with my Mum.. I do trust my Dad but it's just weird lol. Don't tell anyone else in your family, they don't need to know. I have a sister too, we're close so I'd tell her I wouldn't tell my brother though.. Plus he's 13!

        My Mum can tell him for me haha
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        (Original post by Anonymous)
        Well this is another issue. Personally, I don't want to marry until after a few years have passed. He on the other hand, I don't actually know when he wants to. He often talks about marriage casually like if we're married, we'll do this and that basically everytime we speak, and I haven't asked even him when he wants to in case it looks like I really want to get married asap and he tries to propose in a few months or something because he seems keen! He lives really far from me (like 8 hours), and so it's never easy for us to see each other, we Skype or call most days and what if he doesn't want to wait a few years? Which is why I don't really want to bring it up.
        An important part of a relationship is being able to talk to each other comfortably about anything. I guess you don't want to mention marriage because you think it'll put ideas in his head? tbh you need to get his perspective on this as he's clearly serious since he's told his family about you, be open and ask him what he wants and be clear that you want to settle into a career before all of that; weddings and marriage are extremely demanding.
        Also, you said he's studying to become a doctor, so surely he's occupied with his education/training and he'd want to qualify first also?

        It's too early yet, but in time, once things progress you could consider planning a little engagement? Like just your parents and siblings and his parents and siblings. Then plan to marry a year or so after.
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        (Original post by Ishax)
        Aslong as your Mum knows and is fine with it, then it doesn't matter in my opinion. I wouldn't tell my Dad about my relationships that early on but I'd feel comfortable in confiding with my Mum.. I do trust my Dad but it's just weird lol. Don't tell anyone else in your family, they don't need to know. I have a sister too, we're close so I'd tell her I wouldn't tell my brother though.. Plus he's 13!

        My Mum can tell him for me haha
        Yes I know exactly what you mean! I've never told my mum about any man I've been interested in, let alone a boyfriend, which is why I was actually really scared to tell her a few days ago. I thought she'd disapprove for whatever reason (maybe because he lives really far, she'd maybe say this is too far I don't know), but she reacted so positively. In fact, she kept pestering me to find a boyfriend everyday and tell her about it so I eventually just confessed everything and told her I already have someone and showed her photos/videos of him. She made me believe that we do have a chance together, and that I shouldn't just assume everyone is going to react negatively to it.

        Telling my dad is plain weird, I can't imagine speaking to him about any guy, if it comes to it, I'll just ask my mum if she can tell him because it's the most awkward thing. My brother, again it's just weird. With my dad, we talk about all sorts, just not my love life!
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        (Original post by pepe11)
        An important part of a relationship is being able to talk to each other comfortably about anything. I guess you don't want to mention marriage because you think it'll put ideas in his head? tbh you need to get his perspective on this as he's clearly serious since he's told his family about you, be open and ask him what he wants and be clear that you want to settle into a career before all of that; weddings and marriage are extremely demanding.
        Also, you said he's studying to become a doctor, so surely he's occupied with his education/training and he'd want to qualify first also?

        It's too early yet, but in time, once things progress you could consider planning a little engagement? Like just your parents and siblings and his parents and siblings. Then plan to marry a year or so after.
        Yes exactly, he talks about marriage so often, like I said, in literally every conversation we have, it's all if we're married, we will go here, we will do this.. it's always him who uses the word marriage, I don't ever say it. If I suddenly say 'so hey when were you thinking of marriage?', he might take it as a hint that I want to get married really quickly and propose, which will be ridiculously awkward. If I'm honest, if we had done things my way, we wouldn't have told families until after a year at least, but he just told me one day his entire family knew, and is constantly introducing me to different cousins and friends when we're on Skype! This is why I felt like maybe I was doing something wrong by not telling people about him like he has told people about me.

        I suppose deep down, I fear that if I say I don't want to get married for another few years, and he was secretly planning to propose in a few months, what if he doesn't want to wait a few years? Our relationship is pretty easy going in general, but it requires a lot of patience and commitment because we're long distance. I will wait a few years for him because he's the one for me and time is nothing if we can be together at the end of it, but I don't know maybe he's different. I think I very vaguely remember him saying marrying in a few years sounds good, but it must've been in one of our earliest ever conversations, at least I hope.
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        (Original post by Anonymous)
        Yes I know exactly what you mean! I've never told my mum about any man I've been interested in, let alone a boyfriend, which is why I was actually really scared to tell her a few days ago. I thought she'd disapprove for whatever reason (maybe because he lives really far, she'd maybe say this is too far I don't know), but she reacted so positively. In fact, she kept pestering me to find a boyfriend everyday and tell her about it so I eventually just confessed everything and told her I already have someone and showed her photos/videos of him. She made me believe that we do have a chance together, and that I shouldn't just assume everyone is going to react negatively to it.

        Telling my dad is plain weird, I can't imagine speaking to him about any guy, if it comes to it, I'll just ask my mum if she can tell him because it's the most awkward thing. My brother, again it's just weird. With my dad, we talk about all sorts, just not my love life!
        Exactly! I agree.

        I personally would calm down and take things slow, because your Mum is okay with it and that's all that matters


        If it meant to be, it'll be..
       
       
       
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