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can't get over bullying

please keep this anon as i know people on here who i dont wish to know i'm writing this anyway..this will probably get really long and be pathetic moan but if you do read it thanks...

my problem is that i can't get over the bullying that took place in my past. I was always a shy person and through school i was constantly bullied mostly about the way i look. I didnt think i was that bad looking at the start of high school and was ok just shy but as the years went by i started to get bullied and then i felt worse about myself. By the end i know i wasnt very good looking, my teeth were a mess, my hair was awful (had it cut really short and it was growing out, i'd put on quite a bit of weight. Plus i was shy and probably quite boring to most people. People bullied me even on the very last day of school. :redface:

I know you should forget the past and look to the future, but i cant, i can still remember the horrible things people said and did to me especially on the last day. It was mostly lads who verbally were not very nice to me (i'm a girl by the way.) Ive never had a boyfriend and because of school i cant help but think i'm not good enough for anyone. This was a couple of years ago now. I spoke to my mum and people about it but they just say get over it and move on, but i cant.

Ive just finished college, and didnt make alot of friends due to my lack of confidence. I just dont know what to do, i look at the photos of my last year at school and cringe. It doesnt help that my younger sister is half way though school is really attractive and is very popular.

Now ive finished college i dont know what to do, i've been trying to get a job but having no luck so far, my social life is non existant, the few friends i had at school never contact me now and my few college friends are off to uni soon so no doubt i wont see them much, and my days are majorly filled with doing nothing. Life is just passing me by and i dont know what to do, i'm 18 and totally fed up.

Has anyone got any advice please, if you bothered with reading my pathetic long rant. Anyone ever got over being bullied themselves? I know this is probably just a totally stupid thread but at the moment i just feel so down :frown:

Reply 1

starchild

This was not a pathetic rant, you posted on here because you need someone to respond. And here I am going to.

I was bullied myself from age 5 till around 17. Mainly because I was an Asian girl who happened to do relatively well in exams. Unfortunately my parents switched my schools in year 5 so I had to go through it again. I was bullied in sixth form by some horrible girls who thought they were better than everyone else. I tried to ignore them, but it is so hard to let go of these things.

I believe that bullying is one of those things which will remain with us because they attack us so badly and because of the futility it makes you feel.

I know you want me to help you get over it, unfortunately I can only advise, and thats advice that which I have used. You seem to have suffered deeply and for that I am so sorry. I am sorry that you have not got over it because its such a painful thing to carry round upon your shoulders. Have you tried writing poetry or even prose to explain how you feel, I know it sounds weird, but it helps if you can pour it all out some how. Also, I reccomend, I know not everyone would agree with me on this, but have you seen your GP. It seems like its affected you long term, and maybe seeing a counsellor might help. Again, I don't know, because people are different. :frown:

Also my dear, I am sure you are very pretty, you sound lovely. Try not to compare yourself to your sister. My sister herself is very very pretty and a lot more confident and I feel constantly in her shadow. But the best thing is try not to compare yourself. You have different strengths and different weaknesses. different strokes for different folks My history teacher used to say that to me when I felt inferior in year 11.

But if you ever want to talk PM me and I am here for you.

Love Starchild xxx

Reply 2

cpj1987

Firstly, sorry to hear about what you had to go through. I too was badly bullied from a very young age until I was 17, which left me in a very bad way socially and emotionally.

What I want to tell you though, is that you CAN get over being bullied, even if it doesn't seem like it now. Let the bullying become a part of your past, and don't use it's memory by letting it bring you down and stop you from acheiving, or feeling good about yourself now. It's in your past, and as such, it can make you stronger. That person that was bullied, that's someone different to who you are now.

You can build up your confidence step-by-step. For me, little things helped - taking walks on my own, or forcing myself to speak to people for longer than I necessarily needed to. You'll be able to work on getting rid of the shyness this way.

Keep trying to find yourself a job. There'll be one out there for you, and as long as you manage to smile your way through the interview, what happens after can be a real benefit to your confidence. In an adult world of work, you'll be able to make new friends, and with that may come a social life.

My 15 years or so of bullying were years I won't ever get back, and years I THOUGHT I would never recover from; but now I'm a confident, happy person with a lot of close friends that mean the world to me, and I feel successful.
No, I won't ever get those years back, but they've made me stronger, and yours can make you stronger too. That person that was bullied, it's not you, it's someone else in the past, and you can break away from that person with the right mental attitude.

If you want to talk more, send me a PM. :smile:

Reply 3

DodgyTrousers

I think one of the most important things to realise about bullying is that it wasn't you at fault, it was them.

I don't care if you were plump with bad hair, that doesn't give anyone an excuse to persecute you. The idiots who did it are insecure children who used you as a way to make themselves feel more attractive, popular, important and possibly less powerless against their own demons. It wasn't you. No matter what you looked like. Noone has the right to judge you on that, certainly not to your face.

It's good that you've improved your looks since then, there's no harm in it, but don't let yourself feel like you need to be better looking for people to like you. Imagine if you were 3 foot tall, with a stammer and cerebal palsy. You'd HAVE to get used to dealing with people like that. Anyone who took the piss out of someone in that position would be (quite rightly) ostrasized. So what gave them the right to punish you for having awkward hair, or being shy?

Seriously, screw people like that. Emotionally crippled morons like that do not deserve your attention. You'll get on your feet, and sooner or later you'll realise that you are the most important person in your life. You'll find someone to love you (if you haven't already). Stop apologising for who you are, it's no worse than anyone else. Prettier people aren't better. More confident people aren't better. They are just different.

Reply 4

Steph!

heya. therre's some really good advice going up here, I agree with everything the others said. I was bullied a lot too and although when it stopped and it seemed that I'd gotten over it to the outside world, I was still horribly insecure and shy. The thing that finally sorted me out was a tallship sailing voyage. (I'm trying so hard not to sound like an advert here!) It was so good, I was thrown into a social situation where it is easy to make friends (you don't really have a choice about making friends, it just happens cos of the teamwork etc) and I wasn't persecuted in any way. I found that people liked me for who I am and not because they judged me by my appearance or took pity on me cos I'd been bullied. I made lifelong friends, found my passion and my confidence.

It was so great for me that I've now become a volunteer with the charity I went with and I now see the transormation that I went through occurring in some of the people that come along. It's beautiful seeing people come out of their shell!

I'm not suggesting you do exactly the same thing, but these adventure type trip things really helped me! Also I wanted to show you that there is an end to it and you can come out of it as confident and as happy as the next person. Keep trying for the job and good luck!! xxx

Reply 5

lincs_b

You need to stop being so hard on yourself!

Most bullies only do it as they are insecure. You've opened up on here and people have repied because you seem like a nice person and they care. But do you give people in other situations the chance to get to know you?

Be yourself and be happy being yourself. Your only going to live once so don't let some idiots ruin your life.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

^^\Thankyou everyone for the replies, the advice u gave was really good and its nice to know that it is possible to overcome it and become a more confident person :smile:

Reply 7

jrt87

Bare with the long post... :smile:

Everyone is insecure (to varying degrees) as a teenager. It's a seminal time in life that serves as a bridge. A transition between the naivety and security of being a child, and the awareness and responsibility of being an adult. It's a pretty shaky and ill constructed bridge, which results in uncertainty for everyone.

What gets most people over this "bridge" is their peers. Annoying and ubiquitous subcultures fabricated by the media to enhance marketing potentials (see "emo" "goth" "chav" "ravers (90s definition, not that inane pseudo NME crap)" et al) do serve a secondary function. They give people a sense of belonging in a time when they need it most. A "ride" if you like for a few years, to take them over that "bridge". However, for some people, they are just too pre-disposed to being an individual. They prefer to pick and mix their identity, rather than buy into any pre-defined ones created for them within contemporary youth culture. It's usually these type of people who can feel more alienated than others. Which in turns places a sort of "target" over their heads for others who use bullying to deal with their own insecurities, assimilate into their warped peer groups and yes, get themselves over that "bridge"

I felt marginalised during school and once years 9-11 got into full swing it was terrible. It was hard to find people with common ground (I had enough friends, but still we couldn't relate in terms of taste much) and for various reasons I became the target of many puerile ***** for around 3 years. I had an epidemic of so many made up rumours put around about me on a near daily basis, the amount got silly in the end. It came to the point where I'd have to avoid at least 20 or so different people in a school day as to not get a barrage of verbal **** that made me feel worthless. It all pushed me towards alcohol/drug abuse outside school and a general lack of confidence and motivation. Spent most of these years outside school with a select few. Just drinking, getting messed up on whatever substance and listening to all kinds of 90s rock/punk etc whilst hating everything.

Anyway, to cut it short, school really screwed me up. Once I left school in year 11 (with much lower grades than I should of got due to everything affecting my motivation) I went to college. It was in a way a renaissance for me, but the problem was the previous 3 years had left a legacy. I was very shy and pretty paranoid. However, I did make some amazing friends at college (a few are my best ones now) whilst pulling myself away entirely away from that depressing lifestyle I'd fell into. I also had a decent amount of puppy love "relationships" and as it turned out I was a rather good looking chap after all. However, below face value I was still profoundly insecure (especially about my appearance), which messed a lot of stuff up. The irony of the situation was, for someone who had felt so individual and free spirited all his life, I didn't really know who or what I was.

Anyway, I did still have a fairly decent (yet restrained) time at college, but once it ended in June 06 I knew there was no way I was ready for uni life. I had to sort my head out. I had chosen back in November 05 to take a gap year for this very purpose. Since last July (06) I have spent 14 months doing just that. Going over my life with a fine comb and realising why everything happened in the way it did. Getting work and building my confidence up volumes. Digging deep into music, literature, film etc and really discovering my identity/the world around me. Reading a lot of psychology/philosophy scriptures and thinking about life in general so much more. I realised the normality of being confused as a teenager. In fact, I now see my experiences as a positive. The way I managed to fight my way through the dark days and get to uni. Over this last year, I've "held onto" all my neutral and positive memories, and just resolved, understood and let go of all the negative ones FOREVER.

I had a great summer (Smashing Pumpkins TWICE!, Sonic Youth, Silverchair, Reading, Alton Towers, many a stupid night down the pub etc) and now I not only feel 100% adult, but ready for my big move and new start up North. It all had a purpose.

I do still have dreams now and again, where I'm having an array of people saying all kinds of horrible stuff to me in what I presume is the school field. However, they're just ineffectual. If anything, I awake from them the next morning proud that I defeated all that. Point is, the past is the past. Spend some time (4/5 months I'd say) going over it, understanding it, maturing, tying it up, and then letting the negatives go once and for.

Then, look to making a fresh start. Push your way into work, build confidence, invest your money back into getting out a little more, and generally things will fall into place. Don't worry about being "shy". 30% of the worlds population are generally introverted, and as long as you keep a handful of really good friends close by, there's nothing unusual about you. The cultural ideal of having 10000000s of friends is a bit of a myth, and people who do seemingly know all these people, don't tend to know/trust them too intimately. I'd rather go for qualitative over quantitative when it comes to friendships.

So anyway, yeah don't give up. At 18 your at a major point in your life where natural maturity will give you a helping hand anyway. It should all fit into place over the next year or so, providing you give it the time :smile:

End of stupidly long post. :biggrin:

Reply 8

Anonymous #2

Hey

Get ready for a long,long post :smile:

I was bullied from about age 8 until 15 and for the same reasons as you.If I'm honest,reading your post was a bit like reading about myself when I was a bit younger.I was known by absolutely everyone,in school or not,for being very very quiet and very very shy,something which I get from my dad.I was verbally abused and just made to feel like a **** (dont care if I get a warning) by everyone in my class in primary school.What few friends I had didnt' stick around long.It usually ended in very messy falling outs because I was too weird and quiet and probably a bit boring for them.I had a huge fall out with a girl who used to be such a close friend because she and the others turned against me and shunned me out of the group suddenly for no reason.I know I'm better than she is because she was always a bitter person who bullied everyone but the fact that coincidentally,she is at the same uni as me now is quite difficult.I'm not scared of her but I hate passing her on campus and even on a night out because she still makes me feel like I did when I was 11/12 and she was making my life a bloody misery.She doesn't even have to do anything or say anything.
Then as if that wasn't enough,another friend did the exact same thing almost a year later.In this case I was pushed onto a busy road while I bent down to tie my shoelace, and nearly killed by a car.
Anyway,to cut a long story short,many people continued to shun me thorughout high school and basically call me names or sit in chemistry and stab me with pencils but underneath I know I am a good person who can be a great friend.I think you jsut need to make some friends of your own and you will realise this.My advice is to keep searching for a job and maybe apply to go to uni,if thats what you want to do.You will meet so many people there and if you open up to them and let them see what a good person you are then you will have friends for life.Just remember that bullying happens all the time but people can move on if they try.

Reply 9

Botticello

Teenagers can be absolutely vile. Im sorry you were bullied so badly and I hope you're ok. I think a lot of negative attention comes from insecurity or jealousy. I think you have to be unhappy with yourself to go round and make other people miserable.

Reply 10

perdedora

I don't think that I can add any advice to the great advice that you've already gotten, OP... But I wanted you to know that it happened to me too... Part of the reason I have such a hard time with people now is because of that hurtful past, but I guess I'm just trying to hold my head up and see myself as the people around me who care about me (even though there are few of them) see me...
Best of luck to you.

Reply 11

danni_bella

Hey hun,

I think in some ways I can relate to you :s-smilie:

I still sometimes have mornings where I'm depressed, then think of how I was bullied in school and then it's even harder to get out of bed!

It's important to remember that no matter what anyone else thinks - what matters is what you think of yourself :smile:

It's so true, and I tell anyone I know who may be having problems with their self-esteem in some way the same thing.

Have you thought about joining the TSR Anti-Bullying society? It's really friendly and there are lots of members who can not only relate to you, but may offer more tips.

HTH,

and be sure to let us know how you're going,

DBxxo

Reply 12

99p And A Flake

I know how you feel - what happened to me was quite similar a very long time ago (seven or eight years). I don't generally like to talk about it, since it was a long time before I 'got over it' and the fact that people usually said that whenever I tried to talk to them did not help in the slightest.

If you believed the things they said about your appearence etc - which was the worst mistake I made - then it isn't shallow or anything to want to improve on that if it helps your self-confidence. Don't feel like you aren't worth it or that people will judge you for wanting to change - most people are not like the ****s that bullied you and aren't nasty.

Think of leaving college as a new start - new people you meet won't know about what happened to you so there's no reason for you to be ashamed of it. Of course you won't be magically happy overnight, but you can focus on the positive and try to accept or ignore the rest.

PM me if you'd like to rant some more! And pathetic - no. The bullies, on the other hand ... some of my favourite memories involve meeting people who used to pick on me several years after the event. They were invariably losers with horrible lives.

Reply 13

mosesff

Hi,
Well I was/am bullied from the age of 13 to now 19, basically its because i'm hardworking and have potential, while the bullies are losers and insecure and think picking on someone will make them feel better, the bullies at my school were nasty pieces of work, but they always somehow find me and would bully me (the bullies at school are bullying me now), i'm honestly in a worse predicement than the Thread Starter, so I would honestly consider yourself lucky, that it was at school and you can put it behind you, the bullies from my school are still bullying me now by calling me foul names.

Honestly just think that its in your past and put it behind you.

But for me I honestly don't know what to do, as everyone on helplines who have offered me advice seem to think that I should get over it, while I am being bullied at the present minute, basically these people won't leave me alone. I have even contacted the police, bullying organisations, my school to no luck.

To be honest I just want to be left alone to do my work why is that so hard to understand.

Do any of you think I should just leave my city and go and study somewhere else?

Just consider yourself lucky mate that you have moved on at college and the bullies are behind you.

Reply 14

Aula

Do small things that will give you more confidence.
I used to have horrendous hair. So doing things like buying frizz-ease, and more recently straighteners have helped.
I've also been worrying about uni and how well I'd be able to make new friends, but I've put myself into situations where I've had no choice but to talk to new people, but never so long that if I couldn't talk to new people I'd have a real problem. I've been on a couple of archaeological digs, and some academic courses (like revision courses for A levels) and have made some good friends. In fact I met my (only) ex on one of these. As a result I'm now not only feeling a lot more confident, but I'm actually looking forwards to going to uni.

I've been through difficult times too. I'm not going to say 'get over it' because I know that's one of the least helpful things someone can say. Instead I'll say give it time. Time helps to heal memories. Try to forget your past and instead look to the future. You will meet new people and you will make friends.

Good luck in your future. :smile:

Reply 15

Alex_09

Were do i start? I hate being known as a victim of bullying, and knowin that what they did to me had a huge affect on me.
Im 19 now, and i still remember it al so clearly. I never spoke of it to any1 until now really. Silly posting it on a forum, i guess i just want some1 to listen to me.
It really all began in year 7, when i use to always get called the usual, dog, man, ugly etc. I no im not the nicest lookin person u wil ever meet, but it destroyed my self esteem. I use to walk around town, and people would point and go omg dusnt she look like shes bin punched in the nose (silly, cuz i chuckled then).
I would walk into classrooms, and pointed at and laughed at. I never had any friends, they all went, used me. I was stalked, quite literally, phone calls the lot. Got hit by lads. I could have coped with women, but when its always a the lads that bully me it hurts the most.
I mean my ex bf use to say things to me, like wen ppl look at me and then u, they think wat the hell is he doing with her. Mind he wasnt anything special. He was also embarrassed by me, never introduced me to his friends and family.
Ive really just had it with men in general tbh, and tellin my mum was the hardest thing to do.
I couldn't tell her stuff like a lad tried forcing himself on me, and stuf like that.
I wear clothes to hide myself, mind jeans and a jumper are rather comfy to me. Always been into my sports and could and should have played for England but that all went, wen i got to high school. It wasnt that, that people bullied me for it was the way i looked, and it was always lads. I remember walking into a classroom once and two lads were just talking in general about what things was up with me, eg. big nose etc... kinda hurt because having already known what was up with you, and hearing your fears and what you already thought was up with u right there in your face.
I mean i have had lads ask me out, since my ex, quite a lot, but i dont like them. Infact i no this sayin gets said a lot, but i do genuinelly HATE lads.
I dont no y, other stuff did happen, but i just feel everythin comes bk 2 me and i feel so much hate and anger its untrue. Im now going to university, in which they didnt ever think id be capable of doing nor did i tbh.
Ive always tried to forgive and help others, but somethings i cant let go of. I thought i deserved to be bullied, and that it was my own fault, and hated myself for it. I find it hard walking through large crowds now, and still have very little confidence, and tbh i am stuck in a rutt. I trust no1, and i feel that i cant talk 2 any1.