I currently live with my partner, independent of family, and for some reason I fear ringing my mum. It is a source of my anxiety, but I dunno what to do about it.
I think most of my anxiety is linked to the fact that I hardly ring her- maybe a couple times a month- which is unusual because prior to me moving out me and her were close.
I'm like her favourite "best boy" as she would call me haha. But with the passage of time it gets harder. I don't want her to think I don't care, because I do, but I'm do wrapped up in my own head and problems that it's hard.
Also, lately, my mum is in a bad way. She is unwell and ill from work related stress, signed off work and could lose her job and home because of a nasty employer.
Now, I'm not cold hearted or anything, because I do care. In fact, I get very emotiosnl and cry about it because I worry about her and get very emotiosnl and angry at my ex-employer for their treatment of my mum.
I guess I don't ring because I just can't handle hearing about her suffering, and potentially having her cry in my arms. It is unnerving as a grown man to have your mother cry at you. I want to comfort her, but I feel so helpless. But at same time having contact with her exacerbates my depression and makes me ill.
I don't want her to think I don't care- yet I don't want her to get upset about me, since I've been ill with depression and sometimes post on Facebook when I'm really bad and I assume people tell her about it. Last time she told me she was concerned and was a bit dismissive of what I wrote.
I posted about my deceased father, about how I miss him, and my mum split from him years ago as she cheated.
I don't want her to feel resentful because I publicly said I miss me dad, yet rarely speak to her.
... and the ones that won't