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    I'm really, really struggling getting over my ex. (I'm 22, he's 25) The relationship has been over for some time now but he lead me on for a good number of months last year. After months of to and fro-ing and, in his own words, struggling to get over me, he officially ended things in late August around the time he met someone else. He's since started a relationship with the same person and it absolutely kills me. He's the only relationship I've had, only person I've slept with, only time I've been in love and I just can't get over it. I can't handle the grief – I can't imagine feeling that way about anyone again. Every guy I meet I compare to him. I wake up with dread in my stomach, have fleeting thoughts of panic and disbelief when I imagine him happy in a new relationship, and in general just feel extremely low, I fantasise about my own death, I cannot see a way out of this pain and grief. I was ill with panic disorder and anxiety for the majority of our relationship and we hardly did anything or went anywhere and he just couldn't handle it. If I hadn't been ill I think we could've worked because we have so much in common and were compatible every other way and I just hate myself for it. One of the things he said when he initially broke up with me was that he thought his life would 'stagnate' if he stayed with me, and that scared him. He wanted to travel etc. When we went away on weekends, I would get so worked up with my panic disorder I couldn't leave the hotel room. I hate myself for it. He's in a new relationship now with a girl who's healthy, more accomplished, they went away for New Years and I feel truly devastated. Things I never got to do with him. I have dreams about them settling down (something he told me he never wanted to do - one of the first things he told me when we met was that he wants to be a bachelor!) and living a long, happy life together. Like she was the exception who changed his mind about everything. Like I was just someone to pass the time with whilst he waited for "the one". I wanted him to have made the wrong decision letting me go, I wanted him to regret it, but he seems happier then he ever was with me, and meanwhile I'm just left behind in limbo. He was my life for three years and I just can't see me ever getting over this.
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    Aww honey! I know the feeling but tbh why would you wanna be with someone who can't be with you and accept your flaws and good things. You will find someone who will acknowledge and be able to help or work around with your disorder. If not then that person isn't right for you. You will move on either give it time or find someone new. But as you said you keep comparing sand don't think anyone's as good. You just have to understand that everyone's different and find something new to like about someone else. If he's moved on and happy try being happy for him and doing other things or pick up a new hobby to freshen your mind. Join a gym or something and start meeting new people. If you just sit and think about him and what you could have done differently you won't be able to move on. The main thing to moving on I think is to stop thinking about him or what he's doin or who he's with. I know it's easier said than done but you don't want to be upset about someone who doesn't wanna be in your life. Hope this helps and feel free to message me if you want to talk or anything x
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    (Original post by philosophoraptor)
    I'm really, really struggling getting over my ex. (I'm 22, he's 25) The relationship has been over for some time now but he lead me on for a good number of months last year. After months of to and fro-ing and, in his own words, struggling to get over me, he officially ended things in late August around the time he met someone else. He's since started a relationship with the same person and it absolutely kills me. He's the only relationship I've had, only person I've slept with, only time I've been in love and I just can't get over it. I can't handle the grief – I can't imagine feeling that way about anyone again. Every guy I meet I compare to him. I wake up with dread in my stomach, have fleeting thoughts of panic and disbelief when I imagine him happy in a new relationship, and in general just feel extremely low, I fantasise about my own death, I cannot see a way out of this pain and grief. I was ill with panic disorder and anxiety for the majority of our relationship and we hardly did anything or went anywhere and he just couldn't handle it. If I hadn't been ill I think we could've worked because we have so much in common and were compatible every other way and I just hate myself for it. One of the things he said when he initially broke up with me was that he thought his life would 'stagnate' if he stayed with me, and that scared him. He wanted to travel etc. When we went away on weekends, I would get so worked up with my panic disorder I couldn't leave the hotel room. I hate myself for it. He's in a new relationship now with a girl who's healthy, more accomplished, they went away for New Years and I feel truly devastated. Things I never got to do with him. I have dreams about them settling down (something he told me he never wanted to do - one of the first things he told me when we met was that he wants to be a bachelor!) and living a long, happy life together. Like she was the exception who changed his mind about everything. Like I was just someone to pass the time with whilst he waited for "the one". I wanted him to have made the wrong decision letting me go, I wanted him to regret it, but he seems happier then he ever was with me, and meanwhile I'm just left behind in limbo. He was my life for three years and I just can't see me ever getting over this.
    Rather than getting over your ex you need to fully concentrate on treating your illness. Are you doing everything you can, seeing everyone you can, to overcome your anxiety? I don't think your life will improve until you can truly say "I have done my best to overcome my illness". You are the most important thing here and depending on someone so much like it sound you did your ex is not healthy or productive to making yourself better.

    The best way to move on is to make yourself better before you even start to think of looking for love again, to prove to yourself that you can do all the things you want to and not let your illness hold you back.

    It also sounds like you have some way of keeping track of his life. Delete and block him on every social platform and ask your friends not to speak of him. I think the best way to get over him is to realise he is gone out of your life forever and there's no point in holding a bit of hope that he will come back. You will get better, you will find someone else you love more and who loves you more. He is not the be all and end all of life... there are so many good guys out there he's really not that special.
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    Great words of advice there from Amina. Have you been to see your GP and is he aware of your condition? He may be able to help you. If there is some sort of treatment then I would strongly suggest that you take it. You can't be leading a life as full and as happy as you would like, so if there is something that can be done I would grab the opportunity with both hands. As for your ex boyfriend, all I can say is the old cliche of taking things one day at a time. It might also help, difficult though it might be, to stop looking at his social media. Seeing or hearing about him with someone else is not going to help you get over him. Good luck.
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    You will get over him. I won't promise it will be easy. I can promise he was not worthy of you. Even if you were not ill, he would have not been good in any situation down the line when you needed support. He may seem happy with her, but who is to know that he won't leave her for someone else? I know you cannot imagine right now loving anyone else but things will get better. You need support so make you get it. Go to your doctor, talk to family and friends if you are able to and message me if you need to. Don't compare yourself to this girl, or anyone else. YOU are ENOUGH. And believe me, you feel this way and yet here you are, another day, living. That's an accomplishment. Sending you so much strength and love, Yve x
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    (Original post by Yvemo)
    You will get over him. I won't promise it will be easy. I can promise he was not worthy of you. Even if you were not ill, he would have not been good in any situation down the line when you needed support. He may seem happy with her, but who is to know that he won't leave her for someone else? I know you cannot imagine right now loving anyone else but things will get better. You need support so make you get it. Go to your doctor, talk to family and friends if you are able to and message me if you need to. Don't compare yourself to this girl, or anyone else. YOU are ENOUGH. And believe me, you feel this way and yet here you are, another day, living. That's an accomplishment. Sending you so much strength and love, Yve x
    Oh my god you made me cry. Thank you so, so much.
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    (Original post by philosophoraptor)
    I'm really, really struggling getting over my ex. (I'm 22, he's 25) The relationship has been over for some time now but he lead me on for a good number of months last year. After months of to and fro-ing and, in his own words, struggling to get over me, he officially ended things in late August around the time he met someone else. He's since started a relationship with the same person and it absolutely kills me. He's the only relationship I've had, only person I've slept with, only time I've been in love and I just can't get over it. I can't handle the grief – I can't imagine feeling that way about anyone again. Every guy I meet I compare to him. I wake up with dread in my stomach, have fleeting thoughts of panic and disbelief when I imagine him happy in a new relationship, and in general just feel extremely low, I fantasise about my own death, I cannot see a way out of this pain and grief. I was ill with panic disorder and anxiety for the majority of our relationship and we hardly did anything or went anywhere and he just couldn't handle it. If I hadn't been ill I think we could've worked because we have so much in common and were compatible every other way and I just hate myself for it. One of the things he said when he initially broke up with me was that he thought his life would 'stagnate' if he stayed with me, and that scared him. He wanted to travel etc. When we went away on weekends, I would get so worked up with my panic disorder I couldn't leave the hotel room. I hate myself for it. He's in a new relationship now with a girl who's healthy, more accomplished, they went away for New Years and I feel truly devastated. Things I never got to do with him. I have dreams about them settling down (something he told me he never wanted to do - one of the first things he told me when we met was that he wants to be a bachelor!) and living a long, happy life together. Like she was the exception who changed his mind about everything. Like I was just someone to pass the time with whilst he waited for "the one". I wanted him to have made the wrong decision letting me go, I wanted him to regret it, but he seems happier then he ever was with me, and meanwhile I'm just left behind in limbo. He was my life for three years and I just can't see me ever getting over this.
    Is this a troll account?
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    (Original post by Moura)
    Rather than getting over your ex you need to fully concentrate on treating your illness. Are you doing everything you can, seeing everyone you can, to overcome your anxiety? I don't think your life will improve until you can truly say "I have done my best to overcome my illness". You are the most important thing here and depending on someone so much like it sound you did your ex is not healthy or productive to making yourself better.

    The best way to move on is to make yourself better before you even start to think of looking for love again, to prove to yourself that you can do all the things you want to and not let your illness hold you back.

    It also sounds like you have some way of keeping track of his life. Delete and block him on every social platform and ask your friends not to speak of him. I think the best way to get over him is to realise he is gone out of your life forever and there's no point in holding a bit of hope that he will come back. You will get better, you will find someone else you love more and who loves you more. He is not the be all and end all of life... there are so many good guys out there he's really not that special.
    Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it. Since he ended things with me, I started medication and transferred from Open University to The University of Nottingham - which has helped me beyond belief. My agoraphobia is a thing of the past and I finally have my panic disorder under control, I have a social life, I leave the house every day, I'm going to Amsterdam in 2 weeks with the Philosophy society! I have a *purpose* now. Yet my world feels empty without him. It is just incredibly bittersweet and I can't fully enjoy the experience at the moment (though I realise it's the best thing I could have ever done for myself). Just too little too late. If only, if only, etc.
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    (Original post by LisaNikita)
    Is this a troll account?
    I know I'm pathetic but no
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    (Original post by philosophoraptor)
    I'm really, really struggling getting over my ex. (I'm 22, he's 25) The relationship has been over for some time now but he lead me on for a good number of months last year. After months of to and fro-ing and, in his own words, struggling to get over me, he officially ended things in late August around the time he met someone else. He's since started a relationship with the same person and it absolutely kills me. He's the only relationship I've had, only person I've slept with, only time I've been in love and I just can't get over it. I can't handle the grief – I can't imagine feeling that way about anyone again. Every guy I meet I compare to him. I wake up with dread in my stomach, have fleeting thoughts of panic and disbelief when I imagine him happy in a new relationship, and in general just feel extremely low, I fantasise about my own death, I cannot see a way out of this pain and grief. I was ill with panic disorder and anxiety for the majority of our relationship and we hardly did anything or went anywhere and he just couldn't handle it. If I hadn't been ill I think we could've worked because we have so much in common and were compatible every other way and I just hate myself for it. One of the things he said when he initially broke up with me was that he thought his life would 'stagnate' if he stayed with me, and that scared him. He wanted to travel etc. When we went away on weekends, I would get so worked up with my panic disorder I couldn't leave the hotel room. I hate myself for it. He's in a new relationship now with a girl who's healthy, more accomplished, they went away for New Years and I feel truly devastated. Things I never got to do with him. I have dreams about them settling down (something he told me he never wanted to do - one of the first things he told me when we met was that he wants to be a bachelor!) and living a long, happy life together. Like she was the exception who changed his mind about everything. Like I was just someone to pass the time with whilst he waited for "the one". I wanted him to have made the wrong decision letting me go, I wanted him to regret it, but he seems happier then he ever was with me, and meanwhile I'm just left behind in limbo. He was my life for three years and I just can't see me ever getting over this.
    Just another good example of how girls prefer **** boys
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    (Original post by philosophoraptor)
    Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it. Since he ended things with me, I started medication and transferred from Open University to The University of Nottingham - which has helped me beyond belief. My agoraphobia is a thing of the past and I finally have my panic disorder under control, I have a social life, I leave the house every day, I'm going to Amsterdam in 2 weeks with the Philosophy society! I have a *purpose* now. Yet my world feels empty without him. It is just incredibly bittersweet and I can't fully enjoy the experience at the moment (though I realise it's the best thing I could have ever done for myself). Just too little too late. If only, if only, etc.
    Wow that is great to hear, you sound like you're doing amazing!
    Honestly if he couldn't see what a wonderful person you are then he's not worth it. Please don't pine over him and think too little too late... you have no idea whether the relationship would stay together even if you did manage to help yourself sooner. Some people just aren't meant to be. It's his loss, like I said you will find someone better... but the meaning of life doesn't come from having a partner. Strengthen your friendships and succeed in your degree don't base your happiness on whether you have a boyfriend!
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    You are not pathetic, you are human! You are doing so well and every good thing you do is an achievement, from getting up of a morning to brushing your hair, to leaving the house...don't dismiss your feelings or the things you do. They are all important.
    Here's a poem I think you might like, by Rupi Kaur...

    if you are broken
    and they have left you
    do not question
    whether you were
    enough
    the problem was
    you were so enough
    they were not able to carry it

    ❤️
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    #1

    I have been in pretty much an identical position to you, so I know how it feels. It was hard, I even went through the actions of committing suicide, but I pulled through in the end and after 2 years I don't see him as the most attractive fish in the sea anymore. How did I do it?

    First, you have to respect the fact that he isn't necessarily to blame. But don't blame yourself either. From the way you described it, it appears as if you two just were in a relationship that caused both of you to be really unhappy. I was depressed as well and I kept trying to confide with him. Eventually, understandably, he got sick of it. I see now that what I did was quite selfish; he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore but I kept spewing negativity at him to get it off my chest (felt good for a short while but the pain always returned after anyway). He stayed with me for a few months to make sure I was mentally stable, but then I accepted that the relationship had to end and ironically it was me who made the final decision to break it off.

    Please, please do not go down the road of trying to convince yourself that he was unworthy, is a horrible person, and did the wrong thing. It doesn't matter how well you think you know him, you just don't know his innermost feelings, and everyone has feelings. From the way you described your boyfriend, it sounds as if he was very virtuous indeed.

    To answer your question, yes, I think you will get over it, but it's not easy. You need to accept that you probably did a lot of wrong things, and forgive him for the ways he was wronged you. Be happy for his new relationship, and wish him happiness. The worst feeling at this stage is jealousy, believe me. I too thought that he was the most attractive person on earth (and I still kind of do) but logic should tell you that there are much, much more fish in the sea and, if you let go of the past, you will open yourself to that opportunity. Time is a great healer, yes, but you can accelerate the healing through self-reflection and forgiveness. Wishing you all the best.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have been in pretty much an identical position to you, so I know how it feels. It was hard, I even went through the actions of committing suicide, but I pulled through in the end and after 2 years I don't see him as the most attractive fish in the sea anymore. How did I do it?

    First, you have to respect the fact that he isn't necessarily to blame. But don't blame yourself either. From the way you described it, it appears as if you two just were in a relationship that caused both of you to be really unhappy. I was depressed as well and I kept trying to confide with him. Eventually, understandably, he got sick of it. I see now that what I did was quite selfish; he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore but I kept spewing negativity at him to get it off my chest (felt good for a short while but the pain always returned after anyway). He stayed with me for a few months to make sure I was mentally stable, but then I accepted that the relationship had to end and ironically it was me who made the final decision to break it off.

    Please, please do not go down the road of trying to convince yourself that he was unworthy, is a horrible person, and did the wrong thing. It doesn't matter how well you think you know him, you just don't know his innermost feelings, and everyone has feelings. From the way you described your boyfriend, it sounds as if he was very virtuous indeed.

    To answer your question, yes, I think you will get over it, but it's not easy. You need to accept that you probably did a lot of wrong things, and forgive him for the ways he was wronged you. Be happy for his new relationship, and wish him happiness. The worst feeling at this stage is jealousy, believe me. I too thought that he was the most attractive person on earth (and I still kind of do) but logic should tell you that there are much, much more fish in the sea and, if you let go of the past, you will open yourself to that opportunity. Time is a great healer, yes, but you can accelerate the healing through self-reflection and forgiveness. Wishing you all the best.
    In retrospect I should have seen red flags to be honest, one of the first things he ever said to me was that he doesn't like relationships and just wants to stay a bachelor forever, traveling, and independent. But obviously this new girl is the exception and has changed his whole outlook on life. Our relationship made us both unhappy and we both could have done things to change it. He could have been more attentive and made the effort to see me more and I could have helped myself with my illness more. I wish I had gotten better sooner.

    Sorry, I know I'm going round in circles. Hopelessly looking for closure.

    All I do is ruminate.
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    (Original post by Yvemo)
    You are not pathetic, you are human! You are doing so well and every good thing you do is an achievement, from getting up of a morning to brushing your hair, to leaving the house...don't dismiss your feelings or the things you do. They are all important.
    Here's a poem I think you might like, by Rupi Kaur...

    if you are broken
    and they have left you
    do not question
    whether you were
    enough
    the problem was
    you were so enough
    they were not able to carry it

    ❤️
    milk and honey by Rupi Kaur was one of the first books I bought post-breakup. I love her. Thank you so much for your kindness. I probably come across as the typical crazy ex girlfriend trope, just have so many regrets and I can't see past the pain and rejection and inadequacy 😪
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    Check out Nayiraah Waheed and Yrsa Daley-Ward too if you haven't already. And keep the ones that help you the most with you at all times! You aren't inadequate in the slightest. You feel like that because he seems happy with this new girl but who really knows what goes on? If you'd gotten better sooner, or never had any problems in the first place, you may have broken up over something else. And who doesn't have problems anyway hey? You aren't crazy or pathetic or inadequate, you are strong and human. Surround yourself with things that are good for your soul. Try meditating, focus on study, go for a run. Every little thing you do will help, even if it happens slowly. You're amazing so don't ever forget it!
 
 
 
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