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9 Year Age Gap - Unlikely to Last? Watch

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    I'm 22 and he's almost 31. We've been dating for four months and were friends for a couple of years beforehand. We get along great and are very compatible in a number of ways. I'm enjoying seeing him but feel a few age-related things may come between us:

    He wants marriage and kids by the time he's 35. I'm not sure if I ever want that - and certainly not in the next few years. I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of settling down and getting super-serious, but he seems dead set on the idea. Part of me wants to enjoy being young and have fun, but part of me wants to be with him long-term. It feels very conflicting.

    He wants to leave the city. I'm studying here so can't leave for at least another couple of years. He says he will stay here to be with me but I don't want to hold him back. He says he's unhappy here and wants his life to change for the better. How can he do that while he's with me here?

    Our parents don't entirely approve of the situation, specifically the age gap. I know it doesn't matter so much what my parents think - it's my life to live. But I hate to upset them. His parents aren't too happy about it, either.

    Anybody been in a similar situation? Words of advice much appreciated
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm 22 and he's almost 31. We've been dating for four months and were friends for a couple of years beforehand. We get along great and are very compatible in a number of ways. I'm enjoying seeing him but feel a few age-related things may come between us:

    He wants marriage and kids by the time he's 35. I'm not sure if I ever want that - and certainly not in the next few years. I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of settling down and getting super-serious, but he seems dead set on the idea. Part of me wants to enjoy being young and have fun, but part of me wants to be with him long-term. It feels very conflicting.

    He wants to leave the city. I'm studying here so can't leave for at least another couple of years. He says he will stay here to be with me but I don't want to hold him back. He says he's unhappy here and wants his life to change for the better. How can he do that while he's with me here?

    Our parents don't entirely approve of the situation, specifically the age gap. I know it doesn't matter so much what my parents think - it's my life to live. But I hate to upset them. His parents aren't too happy about it, either.

    Anybody been in a similar situation? Words of advice much appreciated
    Age gaps aren't a problem unless you want different things and you both do so I think It d be cruel to stay with him, like you say you don't want marriage and kids in the timeline he does, I know men don't have to worry about aging and fertility as much but still.
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    (Original post by Corbynista)
    My parents have a 12 year age gap between them, age is not so much the problem unless you are in different stages of your lives and wanting different things like you both clearly do. Have you tried talking to him about it?
    Yeah, spoke to him about it. He seems to deny there's any problem. Am I over thinking it?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah, spoke to him about it. He seems to deny there's any problem. Am I over thinking it?
    No you're not. We're talking about some minor decisions here.
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      I and my boyfriend have a 6-year gap between us. He's 24 and I'm 18. We've been together for about a year and a half, I'm not entirely in the same situation as you; parents disapproving or not too keen but the age gap is quite a problem between us.
      Like my boyfriend is already working now but I'm only about to start Uni this year and he wants to settle down when he turns 30 or so. Considering the age gap between us, I'm not too keen on settling down when I'm 24, but he totally respects that and doesn't mind waiting until I turn around 28-29.

      I think that you and your boyfriend should discuss settling down and all that, since he's at the stage and age where he wants to settle down. I know that you want to have a long-lasting relationship but if you'd want that he also needs to respect what you wants, especially if you don't want to settle down yet. Like, you know that he wants to settle down when he turns 35, but if you personally doesn't feel ready yet or want to settle down in a few years time then you shouldn't be forced, I would say into it.
      You should consider your happiness too since to be able to achieve a long-term relationship is to have that respect between each others decisions and what each other wants and finding a way of making a decision that both of you will like.

      If you're still having difficulties then I guess that you should consider your relationship with him as it's better for you to not be with him if you know that you won't be happy in settling at a young age or if you still want to establish yourself and have stability in your career and all that

      I hope I helped a bit :3
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      He wants to leave the city. I'm studying here so can't leave for at least another couple of years. He says he will stay here to be with me but I don't want to hold him back. He says he's unhappy here and wants his life to change for the better. How can he do that while he's with me here?

      Our parents don't entirely approve of the situation, specifically the age gap. I know it doesn't matter so much what my parents think - it's my life to live. But I hate to upset them. His parents aren't too happy about it, either.
      Him waiting to move out to a different city with you is fine in my opinion. As long as you are ok with where he would like to move to.

      Parents not approving happens a lot, don't let it get in the way of your happiness.

      He wants marriage and kids by the time he's 35. I'm not sure if I ever want that - and certainly not in the next few years. I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of settling down and getting super-serious, but he seems dead set on the idea. Part of me wants to enjoy being young and have fun, but part of me wants to be with him long-term. It feels very conflicting.
      This is the part that will get in the way of everything working out. I feel like he doesn't understand/respect the fact that you do not want to settle down in the next few years if he is not seeing any problems in your relationship ("He seems to deny there's any problem). He must be just assuming you'll just go along with what he wants. It is not fair on you for him to just insist you must get married and have kids soon when you don't want to. It's particularly unfair because he got to have his fun and freedom in his 20s, and yet he wants to prevent you from having that experience too. You will only just have finished university by his timeline, and you would have barely started working before you'd be stuck in maternity leave.

      You need to talk to him about this. When you do, state when is the soonest you see yourself doing these things, if at all. If you don't know if you want to get married and have kids at all, make sure he gets that too and doesn't just blow it off. You need to agree on major life decisions like this.

      Unless he is willing to wait for you, I don't see this working out. (Unless you spontaneously change your mind about what you want from life)
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      (Original post by Corbynista)
      Perhaps you need to talk to him about it again, there is quite evidently a problem and I think you both need to face up to it, perhaps you can come to a compromise but you will never know unless you tackle the issue head on.
      I care deeply for him but feel in my heart it isn't going to work long-term. He is so great. He would be upset if I ended it with him. Not sure how to deal with this
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      (Original post by Nadile)
      Him waiting to move out to a different city with you is fine in my opinion. As long as you are ok with where he would like to move to.

      Parents not approving happens a lot, don't let it get in the way of your happiness.




      This is the part that will get in the way of everything working out. I feel like he doesn't understand/respect the fact that you do not want to settle down in the next few years if he is not seeing any problems in your relationship ("He seems to deny there's any problem). He must be just assuming you'll just go along with what he wants. It is not fair on you for him to just insist you must get married and have kids soon when you don't want to. It's particularly unfair because he got to have his fun and freedom in his 20s, and yet he wants to prevent you from having that experience too. You will only just have finished university by his timeline, and you would have barely started working before you'd be stuck in maternity leave.

      You need to talk to him about this. When you do, state when is the soonest you see yourself doing these things, if at all. If you don't know if you want to get married and have kids at all, make sure he gets that too and doesn't just blow it off. You need to agree on major life decisions like this.

      Unless he is willing to wait for you, I don't see this working out. (Unless you spontaneously change your mind about what you want from life)
      Thanks. I think he assumes everything will be OK. He doesn't consider things properly, never thinks too much about the future. He says he wants to do all these things with his life but makes no effort to actually achieve them. He has no motivation and I'm not sure I can be with somebody like that. I want to achieve and I want him to achieve too. It seems we can't both be happy while we are together - too much compromise for either party
     
     
     
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