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Was he right to ban me from coming? Watch

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    There is a guy I have been friends with for about 6 months. I really liked him right away, and he liked me too,and things happened, but then he said he didn't want a relationship due to moving away, and he seemed to cool off. I had feelings for him and he knew it, but I told him I was ok to be friends, even though I would have liked more, but I understood his decision.

    He moved 4 hours' train away, but he comes back to my city from time to time as he's got a few friends here. We hadn't seen each other for almost 2 months, and I'd wanted to go and visit him for a day where he lives, and maybe a take a hotel or something, as after all he was my friend, and even though I harboured feelings I respected that nothing more would happen and we were still talking online most days.

    I mentioned to him in passing that I should come and visit him in his city, assuming he'd be ok with it. I was surprised by his reaction. He asked he 'why I was thinking about that' and said it would be 'weird'.

    He then said it was for the best that I didn't come because we had 'different expectations' and he 'didn't want to disappoint me'.

    I was quite taken aback, as I knew we were just friends and I would never travel 4 hours because I 'expect something to happen'. I had just mentioned in passing that I should go one time, and that I'd take a hotel.

    He told me that it was best that we wait until he comes back to the city and that we just have a drink but no more, as he 'doesn't want me to get attached'.

    I can kind of see where he is coming from but I'm hurt, as he's let other female friends go and visit him before. I don't know why he talks to me online virtually every day and sometimes flirts with me, if he thinks that we need to keep our distance in person.

    I'm also hurt that he forbid me from coming. He could have said, come if you like ,but I want to make it clear that we're just friends, etc. but he actually stopped me from coming.

    Was he in the wrong ,or am I over-reacting? Thanks
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    Sounds like a tool tbh. I wouldn't put up with anyone "forbidding" me from coming to see them as a friend
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    He probably just felt uncomfortable, as he thought you still had feelings and he doesn't.
    In my opinion, he did the decent thing
    He didn't want to hurt you
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    (Original post by CarysJSLewis)
    Sounds like a tool tbh. I wouldn't put up with anyone "forbidding" me from coming to see them as a friend
    That's what hurts me. I'm not the kind of person to try it on with someone, unless I'm certain they want the same. I just wanted to see him as it had been a couple of months. It's true I have feelings but I just feel hurt that he didn't even give me the choice, and that he's had other visitors, as I mentioned. He then started saying that anyway, he was really busy, he had something to do every weekend etc. And it just seemed like excuses...
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    Might be seeing another girl and he doesn't want you complicating things if the other one finds out
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    There is a guy I have been friends with for about 6 months. I really liked him right away, and he liked me too,and things happened, but then he said he didn't want a relationship due to moving away, and he seemed to cool off. I had feelings for him and he knew it, but I told him I was ok to be friends, even though I would have liked more, but I understood his decision.

    He moved 4 hours' train away, but he comes back to my city from time to time as he's got a few friends here. We hadn't seen each other for almost 2 months, and I'd wanted to go and visit him for a day where he lives, and maybe a take a hotel or something, as after all he was my friend, and even though I harboured feelings I respected that nothing more would happen and we were still talking online most days.

    I mentioned to him in passing that I should come and visit him in his city, assuming he'd be ok with it. I was surprised by his reaction. He asked he 'why I was thinking about that' and said it would be 'weird'.

    He then said it was for the best that I didn't come because we had 'different expectations' and he 'didn't want to disappoint me'.

    I was quite taken aback, as I knew we were just friends and I would never travel 4 hours because I 'expect something to happen'. I had just mentioned in passing that I should go one time, and that I'd take a hotel.

    He told me that it was best that we wait until he comes back to the city and that we just have a drink but no more, as he 'doesn't want me to get attached'.

    I can kind of see where he is coming from but I'm hurt, as he's let other female friends go and visit him before. I don't know why he talks to me online virtually every day and sometimes flirts with me, if he thinks that we need to keep our distance in person.

    I'm also hurt that he forbid me from coming. He could have said, come if you like ,but I want to make it clear that we're just friends, etc. but he actually stopped me from coming.

    Was he in the wrong ,or am I over-reacting? Thanks
    I would send him a message saying well clearly you don't we can just be good friends so your not worth the hassle.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's what hurts me. I'm not the kind of person to try it on with someone, unless I'm certain they want the same. I just wanted to see him as it had been a couple of months. It's true I have feelings but I just feel hurt that he didn't even give me the choice, and that he's had other visitors, as I mentioned. He then started saying that anyway, he was really busy, he had something to do every weekend etc. And it just seemed like excuses...
    He can't have it both ways. He can't constantly talk online and then forbid you from seeing him in person. For god's sake, it's not like you were going to attack the boy
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    As far as I know he isn't seeing anybody; well he keeps saying he doesn't want a relationship with anyone etc.

    I can understand where he's coming from, it just hurts a little to be 'banned' lol, I'd have thought he'd have given me the choice; all he needed to do was tell me that there wouldn't be anything more and I'd have respected 100%.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    As far as I know he isn't seeing anybody; well he keeps saying he doesn't want a relationship with anyone etc.

    I can understand where he's coming from, it just hurts a little to be 'banned' lol, I'd have thought he'd have given me the choice; all he needed to do was tell me that there wouldn't be anything more and I'd have respected 100%.
    You need to respect the fact it makes him uncomfortable. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you, but put time into finding someone who is right for you and not him
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    There is a guy I have been friends with for about 6 months. I really liked him right away, and he liked me too,and things happened, but then he said he didn't want a relationship due to moving away, and he seemed to cool off. I had feelings for him and he knew it, but I told him I was ok to be friends, even though I would have liked more, but I understood his decision.

    He moved 4 hours' train away, but he comes back to my city from time to time as he's got a few friends here. We hadn't seen each other for almost 2 months, and I'd wanted to go and visit him for a day where he lives, and maybe a take a hotel or something, as after all he was my friend, and even though I harboured feelings I respected that nothing more would happen and we were still talking online most days.

    I mentioned to him in passing that I should come and visit him in his city, assuming he'd be ok with it. I was surprised by his reaction. He asked he 'why I was thinking about that' and said it would be 'weird'.

    He then said it was for the best that I didn't come because we had 'different expectations' and he 'didn't want to disappoint me'.

    I was quite taken aback, as I knew we were just friends and I would never travel 4 hours because I 'expect something to happen'. I had just mentioned in passing that I should go one time, and that I'd take a hotel.

    He told me that it was best that we wait until he comes back to the city and that we just have a drink but no more, as he 'doesn't want me to get attached'.

    I can kind of see where he is coming from but I'm hurt, as he's let other female friends go and visit him before. I don't know why he talks to me online virtually every day and sometimes flirts with me, if he thinks that we need to keep our distance in person.

    I'm also hurt that he forbid me from coming. He could have said, come if you like ,but I want to make it clear that we're just friends, etc. but he actually stopped me from coming.

    Was he in the wrong ,or am I over-reacting? Thanks
    How old are you? 16? 17? 18? 19? You're not an adult, kid so you should probably open a book and study. I don't get why most white people are so obsessed with fu**ing at such a young age. This is ridiculous. You're a kid, stop pretending like you're an adult.
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    (Original post by CarysJSLewis)
    He can't have it both ways. He can't constantly talk online and then forbid you from seeing him in person. For god's sake, it's not like you were going to attack the boy
    Yeah... what's ironic is that it's HIM who flirts with me/tried to have sex etc. knowing I had feelings, not me. It's him who has done that, and so it hurt me for him to say I 'expect something to happen'.

    And yeah, maybe he just replies to be polite, but sometimes begins convos too. It's not worth the hassle anyway I guess...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    As far as I know he isn't seeing anybody; well he keeps saying he doesn't want a relationship with anyone etc.

    I can understand where he's coming from, it just hurts a little to be 'banned' lol, I'd have thought he'd have given me the choice; all he needed to do was tell me that there wouldn't be anything more and I'd have respected 100%.
    I don't want to immediately jump to the worst possible conclusion, but if he'd told you that he didn't want a relationship with anyone, and then he's since got in a relationship in his new area, that would certainly explain why he doesn't want you to come and visit.
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    He banned you from coming? That's hot
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    How old are you? 16? 17? 18? 19? You're not an adult, kid so you should probably open a book and study. I don't get why most white people are so obsessed with fu**ing at such a young age. This is ridiculous. You're a kid, stop pretending like you're an adult.
    She said she invited him for a drink. So she's 18. 18 = adult. Idiot.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    How old are you? 16? 17? 18? 19? You're not an adult, kid so you should probably open a book and study. I don't get why most white people are so obsessed with fu**ing at such a young age. This is ridiculous. You're a kid, stop pretending like you're an adult.
    What even gave you the idea she's a teenager? There's no need for all this condescension!

    Also, what a big, mature man being condescending anonymously...
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    (Original post by A-LJLB)
    You need to respect the fact it makes him uncomfortable. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you, but put time into finding someone who is right for you and not him
    Yeah, I understand.. I suppose our friendship is just a little odd; as I said we talk a lot online and he sometimes flirts with me and such.. it's true that I do put a lot of time into him when I could focus on finding someone who would love to spend time with me.. if such a person exists lol... thanks foryour advice anyway
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah, I understand.. I suppose our friendship is just a little odd; as I said we talk a lot online and he sometimes flirts with me and such.. it's true that I do put a lot of time into him when I could focus on finding someone who would love to spend time with me.. if such a person exists lol... thanks foryour advice anyway
    You'll find someone! Who knows what's going through his head? You deserve to move on and find someone better, don't acknowledge the flirting, as hard as it is, he cannot have it both ways!
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    (Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
    I don't want to immediately jump to the worst possible conclusion, but if he'd told you that he didn't want a relationship with anyone, and then he's since got in a relationship in his new area, that would certainly explain why he doesn't want you to come and visit.

    There could be someone! But he's online all the time, and he replies to me pretty much every day.. but yeah, the fact remains that he doesn't want me to come, we're not really 'good friends' and I need to move on...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    How old are you? 16? 17? 18? 19? You're not an adult, kid so you should probably open a book and study. I don't get why most white people are so obsessed with fu**ing at such a young age. This is ridiculous. You're a kid, stop pretending like you're an adult.
    Should take your own advice
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by A-LJLB)
    You'll find someone! Who knows what's going through his head? You deserve to move on and find someone better, don't acknowledge the flirting, as hard as it is, he cannot have it both ways!
    Thanks, you're right, yeah
 
 
 
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