I completely understand the state you are in because I was there myself. At my first year in sixth form I was a hopeless creature. I also suffered anorexia and felt that I couldn`t break out of this spiral. Add to this every class I was failing and the tonne of work I had to do, and I felt like no one understood me and everything that was once pleasurable in my life was bland - i felt very pressured. I was always sad so I minimised contact with my mum and all of my friends. I didn`t know what I was going to study for uni, even if doing alevels was worth it, if living in England was worth it, if living life was worth it. But then towards the end of the year I decided that I had lost myself. It was the source of my confusion - the fact that this life I was leading (or being led by, rather), wasn`t the life I would have wanted for myself. Where was I going and who was I doing this for? I was spiralling down and I felt like I couldn`t do anything but watch myself fall deeper. I couldn`t think clearly but I knew that I had lost my personality in this process I didn`t understand. Like I said, I was hopeless.(Original post by cold tootsies)
In theory, I totally agree with you but one of the things that's really impacting upon my mental health is that I don't know what the hell to do about Uni. For example, am I now trapped financially in terms of this academic year?- Am I expected to see this year through no matter what state I'm in? Does anyone have any idea what my options are please? What would any of you do?
That was when I realised I had lost something very meaningful to me and that I had very little to lose after that. As I had nothing more to lose - I was failing feelings, education, and life in general - I decided I will at least try to search for the girl that I once was. It was a difficult process to recover from anorexia when I felt like people at school were paying attention to this and commenting on my weight change. But I ignored this and carried on because I was trying to find the girl that was lost. The girl that would spend time lying down and watching shows and reading books and playing music. The girl who didn`t turn down cookies her mother baked. The girl who loved cuddling with cats instead of going to exercise. The girl who did well at school and had friends and didn`t isolate herself from everyone and everything.
When I started eating properly and started sleeping properly, and I stopped sticking to rigorous routines and alarms, I noticed that I had started to feel a little bit better physically. Mentally, it was a struggle to eat without guilt. But I carried on. I carried on for the sake of the remains of that girl who was lost somewhere inside me. My biggest fear was that I will never be that girl again as I had destroyed her too much.
When my body became more nourished I was able to concentrate better and my workload decreased because I understood most things. I also stopped doing all of my homework and focused on understanding the content over anything else. I went back to watching shows I liked and started to find pleasure in music too. I now can say this as I am fully recovered. When I was in that miserable situation I hid it as best as I could so not many people noticed anything was wrong. The fact that you are trying to seek help shows me that you have hope of finding yourself again and being satisfied with your life.
When your body gets in a better physical state, your mind will also become in a better state. Trust me. I wanted to share with you my story because I completely understand you. Please don`t give up. I was also completely hopeless in myself and this eating disorder, this depression, these negative feelings.... none of them are you. You are much more beautiful and courageous. Please don`t give up xxxxx
To answer your question on what I would do if I were you, I would try to recover from the eating disorder and perhaps get therapy if it`s accessible. Trust me it is a massive part of your sadness. I would continue with my academic year and try to heal what has been broken. However, if you feel that you need some time out, prioritise your mental health over anything else. Financially, I`m not too sure about bcs perhaps a part time job could only add to the stress at this point. However, I`m positive you will think clearer if you try to recover your health. I`m sorry for the super long response xx
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In a terrible mess at the moment and not sure what to do/where to turn watch
- 21-01-2017 16:15