I can't make this sentence work?

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nancy1105
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#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#1
I know that this sentence isn't grammatically correct and sounds awful but I really can't think of another way to express what I want to say:

Through the use of the word “heavy” Achebe evokes the sense of touch and through the use of the word “odors” he evokes the sense of smell - both of which work together to help the reader better envision the harsh conditions of the refugee camp.

Help would be appreciated greatly. Thank you so much!
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habeas.corpus
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#2
Report 5 years ago
#2
Through the use of the word “heavy” Achebe evokes the sense of touch and through the use of the word “odors” he evokes the sense of smell - both of which work together to help the reader better envision the harsh conditions of the refugee camp.

Change into:

"Heavy" evokes a sense of touch. Achebe also evokes the sense of smell through "odors". Both of these in conjunction create a vivid image of the refugee camp's harsh conditions.


Also a few tips, wordy sentences are NOT better sentences. There is really no need for your analysis to be that long. It should be split over two or three sentences.

Overly long and wordy sentences actually cloud the meaning of what you are trying to say, to the point that your original sentence doesn't make sense. It doesn't look sophisticated; sophistication is what you are trying to aim for.

If you can use fewer words and get the same meaning, then you should do that. Your job is to make your writing easy for the examiner to read. He or she shouldn't need to read over what you have written several times in order to understand it. Concision is a virtue.
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