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English Language- what grade would you give this? Watch

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    Thanks for the feedback!
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    (Original post by amberfox264)
    So I had to write a piece about a funfair... I found the topic surprisingly difficult but I got there (eventually! It took me forever). I'm hoping this is okay. What grade would you say this is? Also, any improvements or advice will be greatly appreciated :-)

    The November night sky, which on any other day is eerily black and sodden with rain, has been perforated by daggers of alluring light. Alarming reds, intense blues, illuminating greens and exhilarating yellows tear through the darkness. You stand still for a moment, breathe deeply and experience the smells around you; aromas so strong that they penetrate your nose, and you can taste them at the back of your throat. The tantalizing smells of succulent sausages, sugary wisps of candy floss and rich, buttery corn freshly popped diffuse from the food carts. You can also sense the acrid smell of gas pumping from the machines. Sonorous music blaring from speakers has a simple beat with an overpowering and continuous bass. Replayed over and over, it is almost hypnotic, turned up so loud that you can feel it vibrating through your system. Noise explodes from the victims of rides, a cacophony of screams, screeches and yelps. They make that overwhelmingly heavy feeling of nervousness in the pit of your stomach grow deeper. The trepidation, the anticipation, the excitement- it engulfs you.

    Vibrant rides tower over small, wide-eyed children who gaze up in both amazement and fear. Carriages on the roller coaster hurtle over the track, whooshing up high, before sending its victims tumbling back down to reality. People mounted on once majestic horses; now they are worn down, greying and rusting. They have lost their lustre but not their ability to fill children with delight as they spiral round and round, bobbing up and down like apples in water. A cage full of hostages spins vertically in the air- the only thing holding them in place is a thin chain and the laws of centrifugal force. Riders pray that gravity won’t let them down as they are plunged to the ground and launched forcefully back up into the sky.

    Among the swarms of young children and their parents are two teenagers, huddled close on the Ferris Wheel. The wheel rotates slowly and they are gently raised to the top, the buzzing atmosphere and strobing lights far below them. The girl feels afraid, but her boyfriend comforts her with his calming embrace. They look at each other with undeniable love. The girl feels a fluttery nervousness rush through her as she moves closer towards him. They close their eyes. All fears disintegrate and her lips brush his tenderly. He touches her cold face with his warm hand and runs his fingers through her cascading russet hair. Their intense feelings seem to surge up into the sky, free, and add to the enlivening atmosphere surrounding the fair. Soon, they open their eyes and realise the ride is over. But this is a first kiss they will both never forget.

    As the evening diminishes, drowsy children snuggle into their parents sleepily, ready to go home. The crowd of people dissipates, like a once crashing sea storm now slowing down and easing back into ebbing flow of the calm waves; they are worn out and drained from the excitement of the fair. It is only a few minutes before everyone is gone. With the lights off, the music silenced and machinery stopped, the workers start to take the fun to pieces and put it in their vans, to be moved to the next town. Soon, the only trace of the fun fair left in this town will be the memories those children hold in their minds, in their hearts.
    Looks good, is this for your gcse? or a level?
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    (Original post by john2054)
    Looks good, is this for your gcse? or a level?
    GCSE
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    Don't bump posts immediately after writing them. It's a guaranteed way not to get responses as it irritates people.

    It's not bad. To my mind it's a little bit over written, and the constant stream of simile gets a little bit wearing after a while, but overall not a bad effort.
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    (Original post by amberfox264)
    GCSE
    Probably an 'a' really. But it has been that long since i did gcses, and i only ever got a 'b' for my english gcses. Maybe try asking your teacher?...
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    (Original post by Reality Check)
    Don't bump posts immediately after writing them. It's a guaranteed way not to get responses as it irritates people.
    Haha sorry I'm kinda annoying anyway so u know ;-) but thanks for telling me I'm kinda new here just joined about 5 mins ago! :-)
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    (Original post by john2054)
    Probably an 'a' really. But it has been that long since i did gcses, and i only ever got a 'b' for my english gcses. Maybe try asking your teacher?...
    Thanks!
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    No problems.

    Just one little thing I noticed: your final para opens with "As the evening diminishes, drowsy children snuggle into their parents sleepily, ready to go home". I would change this to "As the evening diminishes, drowsy children snuggle sleepily into their parents, ready to go home". Not only does the adverb then go in the 'right' place, you also take advantage of the sibilance.

    As I say, a very good effort. Almost certainly an A. Just be careful not to overwrite, and remember that you need short sentences as well as long ones in an effective piece of writing.
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    (Original post by Reality Check)
    No problems.

    Just one little thing I noticed: your final para opens with "As the evening diminishes, drowsy children snuggle into their parents sleepily, ready to go home". I would change this to "As the evening diminishes, drowsy children snuggle sleepily into their parents, ready to go home". Not only does the adverb then go in the 'right' place, you also take advantage of the sibilance.

    As I say, a very good effort. Almost certainly an A. Just be careful not to overwrite, and remember than you need short sentences as well as long ones in an effective piece of writing.
    Thank you this is really helpful!!
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    (Original post by Reality Check)
    No problems.

    Just one little thing I noticed: your final para opens with "As the evening diminishes, drowsy children snuggle into their parents sleepily, ready to go home". I would change this to "As the evening diminishes, drowsy children snuggle sleepily into their parents, ready to go home". Not only does the adverb then go in the 'right' place, you also take advantage of the sibilance.

    As I say, a very good effort. Almost certainly an A. Just be careful not to overwrite, and remember that you need short sentences as well as long ones in an effective piece of writing.
    I prefer what he wrote, to the edit, to be honest.
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    (Original post by john2054)
    I prefer what he wrote, to the edit, to be honest.
    'He' isn't called Amber...
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    A-A*. Excellent description, makes you feel like you're actually there, good use of the senses too.
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    (Original post by Reality Check)
    'He' isn't called Amber...
    Thanks m8, nice one huh...
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    Thank you everyone !!
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    (Original post by john2054)
    Looks good, is this for your gcse? or a level?
    A/A*
    Amazing effort, Well done.

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