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A girl I really like and another guy (4-5 years older) she knows - what should I do? watch

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    • Thread Starter


    I'm an 18 year old boy (from the UK), and this question I have is about a girl in my year who is currently 17.

    There's a girl I've known since year 7 (when we were aged 11-12), that I had not really spoken to until year 10 when we moved up to a 14-19 school. We've always had pretty much all lessons together, but we didn't really get speaking until partway through year 10.

    Both of us have quite sporty hobbies, and we're interested in very similar things. Over the past four years, I've been speaking to her a lot.

    I began to rather fancy her by the end of year 10, and now in year 13 I still have feelings (quite stronger than they were in year 10) for her. Our GCSEs were almost identical (except I took Computing instead of her History). All through to the end of a-levels we have taken pretty much the exact same subjects (with the exception of her dropping further maths, but me carrying on with four a-levels).

    In the past year or two, we have been doing a lot of activities together.

    Before AS exams, and before the last A2 Christmas mocks, we have had numerous joint-revision sessions, with quite a 'date-like' feeling to them. We'd go to a local cafe (more of a public lounge), buy each other drinks or coffee and spend hours revising together. When it got a little dark, one of the waiters would bring over and light a candle for us.
    On a couple of occasions she'd come around my house afterwards, and I'd cook us both some dinner, and we'd spend some more time revising or playing the piano together (we both have piano lessons), before giving her a lift home.

    We sit next to each other in approximately half of our lessons, and she constantly asks me questions that she probably blatantly knows the answers to, perhaps as an excuse to talk, and I'll admit, I tend to do the same back - I really like talking to her.

    At school lunch times or during frees, she often approaches me and comes and sits next to me (sometimes vice-versa but I don't tend to like to approach her of my own accord in case I'm an annoyance by doing so) and we chat or do some work together. Sometimes halfway through we'd go to a music room and play the piano together.

    Every week, we tend to do a sporting activity together (I tend to invite an additional friend or two, or my sister, to make it a bit more casual) - normally badminton, table tennis etc. This weekend, we're going to go swimming together, and she's very interested in trying out one of the sports that I do (Taekwondo - in our last table tennis session she wanted me to teach her a bit and she seemed to like it and wanted to try a lesson sometime).

    Over the last couples of years she's said some things that (perhaps I'm just imagining it) seemed like big hints. Off the top of my head I can think of when in year 11, in Art, I was doing a piece with the text 'HANDS' along the back of the sketch. After writing the letters H, A and N she interrupted me and told me it was funny because it looked like I was writing her name (her first name begins with those letters).

    In one of our last table tennis sessions, I had not yet heard back from Cambridge (I had applied to Cambridge. Sadly, since, I have not had an offer, and I'll probably go to Durham instead). She said however that if I did get an offer from Cambridge, she'd love to come and visit me so we could go punting together. I kind of regret doing so but I just sort of pulled a confused face.)

    Over the years since we started year 10 up to now, she's done similar things to these on a number of occasions, but I've just sort of dismissed them at the time, because I don't know what to do or say. I've never really said anything like that back - as far as I'm aware I've shown no signs of any romantic feelings towards her in any way - I've only helped organise our sporting activities or revision sessions, or invited her around for dinner.

    Perhaps I'm too scared of potential rejection, or maybe I'm scared of seeming like a 'horny', 'desperate' normie-type guy. But the truth is, I honestly like her an awful lot, and I've failed to convey that in any way.

    And maybe I'm too late, because there's a boy (well, man rather - he's 22 years old, 4-5 years older than she is) that I think she's known since she was around 12 or 13 that goes to her church. She used to occasionally go camping with him, her sister, some other friends, some of her sister's friends and her parents. But over the past year or two, looking at her Instagram, she's been hanging out with him a lot - she's been cycling with him, been to watch him walk/run the marathon a while ago etc. After her tennis lessons which she has on weekdays, she plays badminton with him afterwards. During the next holidays, she will be going on a cycling trip with him to Amsterdam.

    In one of her Instagram posts, involving a picture of him and her dog, the comment she put on the image was 'my favourite two boys'. A while ago their Facebook photos had each other in them (not the same photo). At the end of some of the table tennis sessions, he has on occasion come in to say hi or to join in a bit. The girl simply introduced him by his name, and did not say anything at all about who he is.

    Last Sunday, during one of our table tennis sessions I asked her something vague like 'oh, how do you know him?'. She seemed to find the topic very awkward and she seemed uncomfortable talking about it. She went on about how she does some sports activities with him and how he's from a youth group at her church. She then brought up the fact that he was 4-5 years older than her, and she said that she didn't really start 'going out' with him until she was a little bit older. She even said that one reason she picked a university close to home is so she 'can visit'.

    This to me was rather heartbreaking, and I don't really know what to do or say. There is of course the chance that when she said she was 'going out' now she's 'a bit older', that she meant she's not been allowed to go on cycling trips to Amsterdam etc., and now that she's older she's able to 'go out and do' these things with him.

    And now I'm here, confused and unsure, writing this post. Should I ask her if when, the other day she said she was old enough to be 'going out' with him she meant it was in a romantic way? Should I tell her how I feel about her then... I don't know what?

    Perhaps I'm wrong but to me it feels as though on one hand, she really is 'going out' with him in a romantic sense, but then again, with a 22 year old, when she's just 17? Perhaps that's still relatively normal, I don't know. But given that he'd have known her since he was about 17, and she was 12, If I were in his shoes I would find it rather odd to fancy and wait a few years to go out with someone 5 years younger. Not as much now that she's 17, but thinking that she was just 12 back then I'd think it would be verging on 'creepy' that a 17 year old guy has the hots for her, but again perhaps I'm wrong.
    Also, if she really was in a romantic relationship, why would she go on very private, date-like revision sessions at cafes with me, and then come back to my house? And why would she want to go swimming (let's be honest, if you go swimming you're likely to see the other person in a bit more of a revealing way that normal) just with me? If she was in a romantic relationship with him, would she just blatantly say that she'd love to go punting with me during university holidays, which is often seen as quite a romantic, prestigious activity?

    I honestly need some advice. I just don't know what to do, what to say to her, what to ask her or anything. Again, should I ask her about him more? Tell her how I feel? I feel like I'm in a huge stalemate of some sort and I just don't know what I should do in this situation.

    Thank you for reading this long post (sorry!), I will be extremely grateful for any advice or suggestions at all, long or short. I honestly like this girl a lot and would like to either set her aside completely in my mind to avoid any more upsets on my half or at least try and figure something out, I don't know.

    Thanks for your time!

    EDIT: Come to think of it, she's probably aware, or suspects that I like her - after my last holiday to Korea I brought back some quite expensive presents for her and I gave her a box of chocolates for Christmas. Yet if she is aware that I like her, and is in a relationship with the 22 year old, again, would she really be happy with us going swimming together and just the two of us revising in a cafe together?

    None of what you've said makes it seem as if she likes you. It seems like you're trying to make it fit your wants. For example, you saying that you wrote 'Han' and her saying 'those are the first three letters of my name' is irrelevant, as is the waiter lighting a candle in the cafe. In the nicest possible way, lots of what you said isn't really relevant, you're just trying to make it seem relevant in order to feed your desire for her to like you back.

    And to answer your question: just because someone goes swimming with you or revises with you, it doesn't mean they like you. Furthermore, you don't know she's in a relationship with him, you're just assuming. It's not your place to make comments about her hypothetical relationship - if she wanted your opinion on it she'd ask.

    If you want to know if she likes you, just straight up ask her if she wants to go on a date sometime. Then you'll have your answer.
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    • Thread Starter

    A bit of an update...

    She and I have started going out to Cafes during frees and after school several times a week to chat and do some work.

    A while back the two of us went by bus into the city (we live in a town on the outskirts of the city) for the day to eat together at a restaurant and to go to the cinema. When we'd planned it we never called it a date but I suppose it was like a semi-date.

    For her birthday I made her a pretty complicated paper flower basket/bouquet thing (paper flowers included! It took 23 sides of A4, so it took quite a while, haha). She seemed to really love it and said she'd keep it in her bedroom, keep it forever etc. Maybe I'm wrong but if I were her and got that type of present I'd perhaps suspect that I'm being crushed on.
    Again, if she had no interest in me, perhaps she'd try to subtly try to let me know that she's not interested in me over the following few days while out at cafes during frees, but we've only been going out more frequently than before.

    A few days ago I went round to her house after school and after showing me around we alternated between getting some work done and relaxing with some table tennis. After having dinner, her mum came back as we were getting ready to leave (we had a badminton session planned together after dinner). While she was changing into some badminton gear I had a chat with her mum and she seemed to know about all my hobbies, the subjects I was taking, when my exams were etc. Perhaps this is a good sign? Who knows.

    We're planning to meet up somewhere after school tomorrow and to then have another badminton session. We've gotten a lot closer over the last few months.

    She is still in contact with and does some sport at the weekend with the guy that's in his twenties. Frankly I'm still not sure what her relationship with him is like. I'm aware that he visits her house on some days, but from what I've heard his father picks him up after a couple of hours. She did say a while ago that she'd decided not to go on the cycling trip with him, but on another occasion she said she'd like to go travelling for a year after a degree and she mentioned him going, "unless something else happens", in her own words.

    Unfortunately from this October we will be going to different universities, so we probably won't see each other often for much longer. Maybe she 'liked' me back, maybe not. And perhaps after all she is in a relationship with the 23 year old guy, but maybe not. But as I've gotten to know her better and as I've hung around with her a lot more I think I've realised that I'm pretty happy with the way it is at the moment. I don't really feel that at this point I really need a romantic relationship so much, thought I certainly wouldn't complain if that's what it developed into.I'll guess I'll have to see what happens between us over the next 4 months. There's an end of year dinner/semi-prom thing in a week's time, I'm not sure what's going to happen there but I'm looking forward to it.

    I'm glad that she and I got to know each other, we've had awesome meals and conversations together and I think it would be good to stay in contact and meet up over the university holidays. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to have a crush on her, I think ironically it had originally made it kind of difficult to feel comfortable/have natural conversations with her. Who knows, maybe she DID have a crush on me all along and all I shouldn't have done is properly asked her out xD. Ah, well.
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