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Muslim friend seriously struggling to find a wife watch

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    I'm not sure if anybody can help a friend of mine – preferably a Muslim - but help and advice from a non-Muslim is also welcome.

    My friend is 39 years old and unmarried. He has been trying for a wife for over 10 years with no success. He is a very intelligent and intellectual person with a degree in engineering. Currently he works as a medical devices engineer earning just over £30k a year.

    He was born in Britain from a white British revert mother and a Muslim father who originates from a small and obscure country. This has effectively prevented him from finding a wife through his family because they know of no suitable people.
    The majority of Muslims round my way are south Asian and if they are unable to find a spouse themselves then there is always the family and a cousin either in Britain or their home country. This explains why most are married in their early 20s and single Muslims from these communities over the age of 30 are quite rare unless they are divorced or widowed.

    My friend has met a few Pakistani sisters – including a divorced home educating mother of young children (he likes home education) – but their fathers will not allow them to marry him because he isn't Pakistani. The culture which runs deep within the Pakistani Muslim community is for sisters (and in many cases brothers) to marry a member of ones tribe or clan and they are reluctant to marry outside of it, especially a non-Pakistani.

    Both myself and my friend hold the view that his very unusual and non-standard background goes a long way to explaining why he has struggled so badly to find a wife.

    He has asked, and asked, and asked, and asked, and asked at two different mosques that he regularly attends for many years but without an ounce of success. He is a very well known figure in the community. On the majority of days he goes to the mosque for fajr in the hours of darkness and almost always attends for isha. Therefore he is certainly not an isolated or cut off person from the Muslim community.

    To complicate the matter further, he has Asperger syndrome which he only found out about in his late 20s. School was a difficult and unpleasant experience for him as a result of having undiagnosed Asperger syndrome. Issues resulting from Asperger Syndrome were viewed as wilful bad behaviour and lax standards back then. At the time he lived in a very white and British middle class suburb with only a small handful of Muslims. This meant that social skills he acquired and required were social skills for non-Muslim middle class British society rather than for a Muslim society. He only really started associating with other Muslims after the age of 20 and later moved to a city with a larger Muslim community. The Muslim community is very behind the curve when it comes to Asperger syndrome (as well as other autistic spectrum disorders and mental health conditions) where even prominent figures in positions of influence have never even heard of it.

    He is an introverted individual who feels that he lacks the social skills for attracting women and is too abrupt in communication to be able to charm them effectively. He has never really had many dealings with adult Muslim women due to the strong gender segregation and his mother is a British revert. Therefore he feels that he has a poor understanding and knowledge of the psychology of Muslim women and the etiquette involved when trying to attract one for his future wife.

    Speed dating is not for him. He has attended several Muslim marriage events but he finds them overwhelming events where success is always based on first impressions. Only by spending time with another person will it be possible to enable them to get to know each other and determine the potential for a long term relationship. Another problem is the lack of diversity in the cultural background of the sisters attending these events as they are overwhelmingly dominated by Pakistanis.

    He has tried marriage websites like SingleMuslim. They have been his best bet so far but they are still far from successful. I think it goes back to the lack of social skills issue even online. From my perspective (I am not a Muslim and I am not married) the Islamic way of attracting a future spouse is a very specific and offbeat area of social skills that will not be covered by 'western' social skills and dating books and websites.

    Looks probably aren't a problem. He is a reasonably attractive person with no physical impairments. Apart from his hair starting to turn grey he doesn't look 39. If he dyed his hair he could easily fool anybody that he is 29 years old.

    He fears that once he hits 40 (this year) then he will be past it with the chances of finding a wife of child bearing age being very slim.
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    If this gentleman is finding it difficult to interact with a Muslima and has tried the mosque, friends, socials ect then his last resort would be trying an Islamic dating site. Nothing wrong with speaking to a girl with serious intentions.
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    If he hasn't done so already, then I recommend going into a mosque and asking. As he struggles with Pakistanis, find a mosque which has a mixed congregation rather than 100% pakistani ones.
    (Original post by RosyPearl)
    If this gentleman is finding it difficult to interact with a Muslima and has tried the mosque, friends, socials ect then his last resort would be trying an Islamic dating site. Nothing wrong with speaking to a girl with serious intentions.
    Would only advise the legit halal matrimonial websites though. Not the one's which actually become dating.
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    Why is this topic on a student website?? Especially, if its for a 39 year old adult. :facepalm:

    Sorry if this bothers sum, but students aint got time for this.
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    (Original post by IdeasForLife)
    Would only advise the legit halal matrimonial websites though. Not the one's which actually become dating.
    As long as the boundaries are maintained there is nothing wrong with dating, if he was getting to know a young girl he may need to talk to her wali first though.
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    (Original post by RosyPearl)
    As long as the boundaries are maintained there is nothing wrong with dating, if he was getting to know a young girl he may need to talk to her wali first though.

    I don't know if Muslim courtship would meet up to the dating definition. Like I've seen people say "I asked her dad and then took her out" but I was like that's still haram as the wali isn't really there. Also some of these websites don't really involve a wali.
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    (Original post by IdeasForLife)
    As he struggles with Pakistanis, find a mosque which has a mixed congregation rather than 100% pakistani ones.
    He doesn't have a problem relating to Pakistani brothers in the mosque but marriage outside of one's tribe or clan is a different ball game. As most Pakistani sisters are already married by their mid 20s then only a widow or a divorcee is an option for a sister in their early 30s.

    (Original post by Desi_Scotsman)
    Why is this topic on a student website?? Especially, if its for a 39 year old adult.
    Remember that Muslims tend to marry young so it's not uncommon to find Muslim postgrads, and even some undergrads, who are already married. They will also be able to provide help and advice on the social skills side of things.
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    (Original post by IdeasForLife)
    I don't know if Muslim courtship would meet up to the dating definition. Like I've seen people say "I asked her dad and then took her out" but I was like that's still haram as the wali isn't really there. Also some of these websites don't really involve a wali.
    I see what you mean, though I think there is some cultural influence too about what people will think if the girl and the guy are seen together. I think the Wali should atleast know about it, what's happening and the stage they're at, however some wali's don't mind the girl getting to know the guy a little bit more without their direct presence. Ultimately Allah is watching, the girl and the guy should have a sincere intention and should never be left alone together.
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    The message here is obvious: He is incompatible with a Muslim woman.

    He has two options:

    1) Get over it and date another woman regardless of religion

    2) Remain single with less and less chance of finding a suitable partner as he gets older.
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    (Original post by Arran90)
    I'm not sure if anybody can help a friend of mine – preferably a Muslim - but help and advice from a non-Muslim is also welcome.

    My friend is 39 years old and unmarried. He has been trying for a wife for over 10 years with no success. He is a very intelligent and intellectual person with a degree in engineering. Currently he works as a medical devices engineer earning just over £30k a year.

    He was born in Britain from a white British revert mother and a Muslim father who originates from a small and obscure country. This has effectively prevented him from finding a wife through his family because they know of no suitable people.
    The majority of Muslims round my way are south Asian and if they are unable to find a spouse themselves then there is always the family and a cousin either in Britain or their home country. This explains why most are married in their early 20s and single Muslims from these communities over the age of 30 are quite rare unless they are divorced or widowed.

    My friend has met a few Pakistani sisters – including a divorced home educating mother of young children (he likes home education) – but their fathers will not allow them to marry him because he isn't Pakistani. The culture which runs deep within the Pakistani Muslim community is for sisters (and in many cases brothers) to marry a member of ones tribe or clan and they are reluctant to marry outside of it, especially a non-Pakistani.

    Both myself and my friend hold the view that his very unusual and non-standard background goes a long way to explaining why he has struggled so badly to find a wife.

    He has asked, and asked, and asked, and asked, and asked at two different mosques that he regularly attends for many years but without an ounce of success. He is a very well known figure in the community. On the majority of days he goes to the mosque for fajr in the hours of darkness and almost always attends for isha. Therefore he is certainly not an isolated or cut off person from the Muslim community.

    To complicate the matter further, he has Asperger syndrome which he only found out about in his late 20s. School was a difficult and unpleasant experience for him as a result of having undiagnosed Asperger syndrome. Issues resulting from Asperger Syndrome were viewed as wilful bad behaviour and lax standards back then. At the time he lived in a very white and British middle class suburb with only a small handful of Muslims. This meant that social skills he acquired and required were social skills for non-Muslim middle class British society rather than for a Muslim society. He only really started associating with other Muslims after the age of 20 and later moved to a city with a larger Muslim community. The Muslim community is very behind the curve when it comes to Asperger syndrome (as well as other autistic spectrum disorders and mental health conditions) where even prominent figures in positions of influence have never even heard of it.

    He is an introverted individual who feels that he lacks the social skills for attracting women and is too abrupt in communication to be able to charm them effectively. He has never really had many dealings with adult Muslim women due to the strong gender segregation and his mother is a British revert. Therefore he feels that he has a poor understanding and knowledge of the psychology of Muslim women and the etiquette involved when trying to attract one for his future wife.

    Speed dating is not for him. He has attended several Muslim marriage events but he finds them overwhelming events where success is always based on first impressions. Only by spending time with another person will it be possible to enable them to get to know each other and determine the potential for a long term relationship. Another problem is the lack of diversity in the cultural background of the sisters attending these events as they are overwhelmingly dominated by Pakistanis.

    He has tried marriage websites like SingleMuslim. They have been his best bet so far but they are still far from successful. I think it goes back to the lack of social skills issue even online. From my perspective (I am not a Muslim and I am not married) the Islamic way of attracting a future spouse is a very specific and offbeat area of social skills that will not be covered by 'western' social skills and dating books and websites.

    Looks probably aren't a problem. He is a reasonably attractive person with no physical impairments. Apart from his hair starting to turn grey he doesn't look 39. If he dyed his hair he could easily fool anybody that he is 29 years old.

    He fears that once he hits 40 (this year) then he will be past it with the chances of finding a wife of child bearing age being very slim.
    if he hasn't found one now he probably never will
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    (Original post by Diego Costa)
    The message here is obvious: He is incompatible with a Muslim woman.
    How is he incompatible with a Muslim woman? I disagree that he is. After all, I know him.

    I consider it to be more of a lines of communication issue than anything else. If he was introduced to a Muslim woman by a local brother then it could result in a very happy and successful marriage. I am aware than the skills required to find a woman are not those to keep a woman for life.

    I definitely think that revert brothers will experience very similar problems to my friend. I was told by a Muslim (of Pakistani origin) that Nigerian revert brothers have a very hard time finding a wife. White revert brothers tend to fair better because some Asian sisters are attracted to the white skin tone.

    More recently my friend has been looking at revert sisters for several reasons. The British rather than Asian cultural background; many of the finer nuances of the social skills required to attract a born Muslim woman won't be required; and the sister will not usually have to have permission from her father to marry.

    Note: Please only comments from non-Muslims that are positive and constructive.
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    (Original post by Arran90)
    He doesn't have a problem relating to Pakistani brothers in the mosque but marriage outside of one's tribe or clan is a different ball game. As most Pakistani sisters are already married by their mid 20s then only a widow or a divorcee is an option for a sister in their early 30s.
    .
    Yeh thats what I mean. Best to try a mosque which is more race diverse.

    Also he should work on his social skills. They seem to be a big hindrance. Also he could ask on online Muslim forums for what questions to ask potentials if he is unsure about what to say etc...
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    (Original post by Arran90)
    How is he incompatible with a Muslim woman? I disagree that he is. After all, I know him.

    I consider it to be more of a lines of communication issue than anything else. If he was introduced to a Muslim woman by a local brother then it could result in a very happy and successful marriage. I am aware than the skills required to find a woman are not those to keep a woman for life.

    I definitely think that revert brothers will experience very similar problems to my friend. I was told by a Muslim (of Pakistani origin) that Nigerian revert brothers have a very hard time finding a wife. White revert brothers tend to fair better because some Asian sisters are attracted to the white skin tone.

    More recently my friend has been looking at revert sisters for several reasons. The British rather than Asian cultural background; many of the finer nuances of the social skills required to attract a born Muslim woman won't be required; and the sister will not usually have to have permission from her father to marry.

    Note: Please only comments from non-Muslims that are positive and constructive.
    Why don't you ask your friend to look outside the religion? If he is that desperate for a wife, won't a Christian, or Atheist one, do?
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    try dating sites for muslims and if that dont work and your desperate you could always have a flick through tinder or something
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    I don't want to sound desperate but I'm looking for marriage. Also I might be working as a tutor to autistic kids soon, and that type of thing doesn't bother me. My aunt's kids are Muslim autistic kids, I am very respectful towards them.
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    (Original post by MJlover)
    I don't want to sound desperate but I'm looking for marriage. Also I might be working as a tutor to autistic kids soon, and that type of thing doesn't bother me. My aunt's kids are Muslim autistic kids, I am very respectful towards them.
    ...How old are you?
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    (Original post by IdeasForLife)
    Yeh thats what I mean. Best to try a mosque which is more race diverse.
    That's easier said than done. There are mosques that have some degree of diversity but often it's overseas students rather than people resident in Britain. They don't know of any suitable sisters.


    Also he should work on his social skills. They seem to be a big hindrance.
    The question is how? Social skills are normally learned subconsciously. Asking somebody to teach them social skills usually results in a strange response. People born into Muslim families learn social skills relating to Islamic matters but reverts or people with non-practising parents don't.

    Also he could ask on online Muslim forums for what questions to ask potentials if he is unsure about what to say etc...
    Muslim forums are risky places filled with much conflict and infighting. They aren't always reliable as a source of information. They are also heavily monitored by the police and the media.
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    (Original post by am yisrael chai)
    ...How old are you?
    I'm 24 lol
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    (Original post by MJlover)
    I'm 24 lol
    i thought you were like 20 lmao
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    There is definitely a sense of pressure in our culture to get married by a certain age. It seems there's nothing lacking on his part. Hopefully he finds someone soon. I'm in a similar predicament and just need to keep hope that when the time is right and when it is least expected, it will happen. I have heard of so many broken engagements and marriages recently that sometimes I count my lucky stars I'm still single !
 
 
 
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