I've been having significant problems with my dad recently, and I'm looking for some advice.
I'm a 19 year old female and I'm in my second year at university. I don't live at home; I stay with some other relatives for the purposes of it being easier and cheaper to get to university.
My dad and I don't get on very well. He feels that there is no need for me to stay with my relatives because I could easily make it to university from where he lives. This is true, but it is much quicker and more straightforward for me to stay away. It avoids more direct arguments. He is a single parent, my mum died around 7 years ago. When I stay at home, my dad complains that I use too much electricity and that I eat everything in the house despite the fact that I buy my own food. My dad drinks heavily at night and will often send me messages well after midnight every night criticising me for something. He typically accuses me of just not going to university and lying around in bed all day.
Much of what we argue over is money. I am largely unemployed; I do some freelance writing and the occasional bit of work for my university, but I have been unable to find permanent evening or weekend work. I apply for every job I see, but I have only ever had one interview. This is simply not good enough for my dad. He seems to expect me to work full time at the same time as attend university from 9-4 every day. It's simply not possible.
My dad has always paid for my phone contract since I was at high school as it is part of a shared business plan he has. I have always offered to pay my share but am refused. We also made a deal when I passed my driving test: I would purchase and finance my car, and he would pay for the insurance. I purchased my car and currently pay towards it every month; I don't ask him for help with tax payments or fuel or anything along those lines. My insurance is £130 a month, which I appreciate is a lot but I have offered to do my best to help with this as well. He always refuses me, but tells me I must stand on my own two feet. He doesn't seem to realise that I pay for my food, clothing, textbooks, travel costs, bills and everything for myself when a lot of other young people my age don't. I completely respect the fact that my dad is doing a considerable bit for me, but I don't feel that I should be constantly guilt tripped and belittled for this.
I have also been involved in a long distance relationship for the past year. Naturally, this is an expensive venture with flight costs etc., but again I finance this entirely on my own. Any holidays or plans are paid by me. I don't ask him to contribute. I appreciate why the relationship is difficult for my dad to accept. If it lasts, it will mean that I will most likely move country. I'm not naive enough to be certain of this outcome, but I realise my dad will have thought about it.
My boyfriend visited me for Christmas and new year. I thought my dad would have been impressed with him for flying thousands of miles to be with me instead of his own family, but he wasn't. He made my boyfriend feel extremely unwelcome. My house doesn't have any spare rooms, so he stayed in my room. My dad had months to say that he wasn't comfortable with this, but instead decided to declare it a few days after he had arrived in the country when I couldn't possibly arrange anything else. At our Christmas dinner, he got drunk and openly insulted my boyfriend constantly throughout the night. I was mortified. I have since arranged for us to stay at my relatives' over any future visits, but I don't think it should've ever been necessary in the first place.
I'm at a point where I'm terrified of my dad. I scrimped and saved for months to be able to afford a cheap ticket to visit my boyfriend over his spring break, but now I feel like my dad is going to accuse me of stealing money from him when I could afford my insurance for myself or something. I feel like I can't even tell him about it now. I really do appreciate that he does a lot for me, but I don't feel like I'm the daughter from hell he describes. I'm honestly terrified. I really don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?
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My dad harasses me almost every night, what do I do? watch
- Thread Starter
- 27-01-2017 03:13
- 27-01-2017 03:34
Some time apart would do you both good. Stay with your bf for a few months or something then when you come back see what he's like, whether he treats you nicer mainly. That happens with most people. If he doesn't then spend even longer apart until eventually, in the worst case scenario, you never see each other again. Also don't give up hope finding a job, try to find new methods and see what you've done wrong to not get any responses (or what you could do better). At 19 unless you've got some mental health setback or something you really should be breaking free from your parents and getting on with your own life. I get the feeling he doesn't want to be alone when you leave and is panicking about it and taking his anger out on you.