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Mindfully Untitled; a journal of split proportions watch

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    So i wanted to do the 30 day challenge and realised I can't remember to do that often enough to make it worthwhile for anyone that chooses to read. My capacity to remember that many questions and have answers for them will change a lot over the month(s) it takes me to do.

    So what I thought I would do is adapt it for me really and where I am right now. I dont know many people with dissociatative identity disorder (or OSD...im between dx's atm following a girl interrupted episode at my MH hospital) and I also dont have many safe spaces to really explore my parts. What I want to do - because it will help me with my self compassion and long term therapy goal, is to create a space to look at gratitude through their eyes and for them. So hopefully i will be allowed

    Im gonna talk about my PTSD, depression etc because to me, ignoring those is no more mindful than ignoring the positives but i will make a huge effort to be in the moment and curious about myself.

    If when you're reading you have questions, thats okay, I wanna help people understand. Especially as I feel so misunderstood and alone sometimes with this.

    love
    Tara
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    Hi Tara,

    Subscribing to follow. I hope doing this may help you somewhat, especially in terms of self-compassion.

    May I ask what OSD is? A quick Google search seems to only come up with OCD

    Hope you are hanging in there OK,

    Shan :hugs:
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Hi Tara,

    Subscribing to follow. I hope doing this may help you somewhat, especially in terms of self-compassion.

    May I ask what OSD is? A quick Google search seems to only come up with OCD

    Hope you are hanging in there OK,

    Shan :hugs:
    I meant to type OSDD other specified dissociative disorder - the new DDNOS. This may explain the misunderstandings

    hugs - if okay
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    (Original post by ~Tara~)
    I meant to type OSDD other specified dissociative disorder - the new DDNOS. This may explain the misunderstandings

    hugs - if okay
    Ah I see! I didn't know they'd changed it from DDNOS :nah:

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    31st January

    Today was a mixed bag of apples. Work went well, got some research done for my book. So I'm really grateful for that. It feels so good to feel focussed and productive. It's been a long time since I felt that way.

    Tw - some talk of abuse. No specific details but take care if reading x





    Even therapy was good but it's packing a punch. Last week we were discussing some of my parts and therapist wanted to know which part was the abused part. Honestly didn't really have an answer for him. My mind just fell silent. At some point during the week, I had this realisation.. when I was little and the sexual abuse started, I would comfort my teddy as though he was the one that was hurt. Apparently this is a big dissociation thing.

    My abuse went into adulthood so we discussed how my thinking evolved over that time. When I was little teddy was a good mascot (for lack of a better word) but it got harder to deal with. So a new part was made that was super sexual and just focussed on that. I didn't care about anything then and it didn't matter who the abuser was.

    It sometimes feels odd to be grateful for a part that essentially maintained the abuse by encouraging it. I say sometimes..it's an horrendous process to get to even contemplating being grateful. I hated her so much and she hated me back. I blamed her for enjoying the abuse and she blamed me for being too weak. But...I survived and we got through a horrible situation

    My therapist called my abuser evil. They abused me for around 20 years from age 3 ish. They let me be abused by others..and generally have no thought to my wellbeing. I don't like the word evil though. It seems too strong. But then I get confused because it's my little (bethy) that can't stand idea of being anything other than grateful of this person and how they loved us. She panics when we say bad things about him in case he can hear but she really trusts my therapist. It makes it hard for her. To her, our therapist is like the dad we should have had. He cares about us and wants us to know we are good people. But he also says nasty things about abuser that she doesn't like and thinks he is wrong but that confuses her because dads aren't wrong.

    I'm also grateful that I've switched out of my teen part. I've been stuck in her for a few weeks and she is a hot mess of self harm and suicidal ideation. She can't cope with the world and has no coping strategies. She also thinks everyone will leave and no one cares about her. But, she has provided some wisdom. I've realised I'm having some attachment issues with my therapist. Her coming out is a response to feeling like he doesn't really like us and can't handle us. So it's better to try and destroy the relationship than have him say he doesn't want to be with us any more.



    One of those days where the victories come from odd and difficult places but they are still victories
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    3rd Feb (already?!)

    I've been completely out of it for so long now I don't really remember January at all.

    Good stuff for today: showered 😊 Went to a day spa and didn't freak out 😊 Nobody noticed or said anything about self harm scars, so we're grateful 😊 Grateful for friends who can make us laugh
    Grateful for mood stabilising even briefly.

    --

    I've got medication review coming up. Couldn't come soon enough but my inner world isn't really liking it. There's been quite a bit of discussion about how we're not all depressed and suicidal so why do we all need the medication? And will it make some of us sick because we don't need it? We get on fine with current med, just struggling because really depressed unstable part keeps taking over. Plus there's not a med for dissociation so what exactly will they even give?

    But in other, more logical hand, I need something to keep me stable. I have daily suicidal ideation and I carry SH stuff around with me all the time. "Just in case" I need to do it and I'm not near anything. It's an old behaviour from teen part.

    It's week and half away and it may as well be next year. I dunno if I need to speak to out of hours team. Out of hours makes it sound like you need to be in super crisis. Not just ringing up for a chat. Argh

    Mixed day. Again. But still able to set positives so I'll take the win
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    That came across more worrying than intended. To fill some context..duty team have asked me to call before I hurt myself. I don't need to be in super crisis mode of suicidal and acting etc. At least nkt whilst I'm on their weekly check in board. And they mentioned out of hours but that seems like more of an emergency team? Or maybe it's just the same team but night shift. I dunno.
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    (Original post by ~Tara~)
    That came across more worrying than intended. To fill some context..duty team have asked me to call before I hurt myself. I don't need to be in super crisis mode of suicidal and acting etc. At least nkt whilst I'm on their weekly check in board. And they mentioned out of hours but that seems like more of an emergency team? Or maybe it's just the same team but night shift. I dunno.
    I'd imagine an out of hours team is a crisis team. In my borough, you can ring the crisis team if you're feeling distressed but the hospital is closed, to help you ground. It doesn't have to be a life-or-death emergency :nah:

    Hope you're safe. Sorry for very late reply - been out all day!
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    I'm feeling bit better thanks

    We spoke to lady yesterday and she was nice. I like her 😊
    Tara said I could send my drawings to a friend for a important thing! 🎉🎉 we gonna teach people about us

    I was really really really sad but now I'm happy 😊 daddy doesn't like me cause I told but he's a liar 😡😡 he goes away now happy. He can ssh

    Maybe I can share drawings here one day too
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    Resurrecting this just to have a space to brain vomit

    Its been nearly a year since i last wrote! Its been a long year but a good one overall. I have gone completely no contact with my parents and im getting so much stronger every day that continues. Im not always in a good frame of mind but Ive only self harmed once in a whole year 0.0 Which is amazing to me and it wasnt because of abuse recollections. It was because I had become so complacent in my self care that i just couldnt fight the urge that day.

    So my therapeutic focus has gone from intense memory exploration and trying to prepare for further police interviewing, to where it is now...trying to restabilise all the basic functions like eating and sleeping. When those are reliably stable, then i will be much better to start looking at internal stabilisation of thoughts and emotions. I will be able to learn to self regulate and not rely on others to tell me when i am out of whack.

    So 2018 is actually poised to be a year of transformation I dont know what that will look like in terms of the dissociation. Maybe i will be able to manage that better in a way i cant imagine yet. Maybe some integration might happen which would be something. But i think in the immediate future, it looks a lot like more coming out to share their story.
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    Glad you are getting stronger in general. It's def testament to your strength that you've been able to avoid contact with your parents - I'm guessing that won't have always been easy for you.

    Wishing you all the best for 2018
    • TSR Support Team
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    This sounds really positive well done, and good luck!
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    A dream interpretation post-ish

    I was writing a quick note in the massive check in thread but then it sparked some proper processing so here I am. I had wanted to know the link between old school friends and waking up feeling violated but when I wrote something else came up.

    The link wasn’t the friends, it was the relatively short segment of this dream where someone’s dad was present. Not a real Dad I’ve met, random male. It’s his behaviour that is interesting I guess..for journalling..and also my reaction to him.

    In the dream this Dad representative was blokes bloke and multi layered. Offering to show me some aspect of the job he was doing. It felt sincere like a promise between us two even tho he outwardly played down how much he cared whether I was interested or not. But then he also was scary and sexually threatening. My response was to go more childlike, passive..a weird form of play dead really to try and reduce sexuality. —which makes me finally realise why that part is there. It’s not because people like her that way but because she is trying to protect me.

    I hate that my life experiences mean that that action of play dead is also so strongly linked to sexual violation that I can’t have the feeling of passivity without the feeling of sexual stimulation. I know it’s a body memory but it’s so powerful it is hard to manage sometimes. A lot of the time. One of the harder things is that reacting in any way to relieve sexual tension will only make the connection stronger. So I have to try to ignore my body without it being ignored. I need to acknowledge the thoughts and feelings, especially the ones that happen when I don’t give in, so I feel heard and heal.
 
 
 
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