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Broke up with LDR lady of three years (almost) and need some advice Watch

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    Hey TSR Folks!

    After much advice and a lot of contemplation, I broke up with my LDR girlfriend of three years, well, two weeks shy of three years.

    She was very unhappy for the time I knew her, and all my efforts never really did much. Just today when I talked to her, she said that all my love amounted to nothing but temporary satisfaction and that none of it would translate to providing any future joy.

    She'd always been unhappy with life, and only found joy in spending time with me playing games, and her dependence only grew from there. If gone for even a few hours she would be sad and would simply spend the time gazing at a clock waiting for me, and that caused pain and guilt to swell in me, and as such I asked for advice from my confidants on what to do.

    Nonetheless, all of them provided the same advice, which was to leave her such that she can develop her own independence in life and see it as not being terrible.

    So, the advice I need is what I should do. She's unhappy, depressed (she already was :s) and very anxious, and wants me back. Is there anything I can do to ease the pain for her?

    -Sebastian
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    You can't really take away the pain of a break-up, especially from the one you split up with. That needs to heal by itself, and if you're sure it is the right thing to do, then going some time with no contact can help. Being in a relationship is a bit like having an addiction, and it seems the time she spent with you was giving her the highs but not true fulfilling happiness. Her dependence on you might only hold her back, as she might not bother to find friends or a passion in life, as she already has you to make her feel better. This kind of relationship will never be fulfilling for either of you, as it is, although I understand the desire to help the other person. It won't work in this case though.
    I'd recommend to give her some space, although that is the last thing she will want. I notice you don't mention how you feel at all. Do you feel you made the right decision? And were you mostly happy or unhappy in the relationship?
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    (Original post by Callicious)
    Hey TSR Folks!

    She was very unhappy for the time I knew her, and all my efforts never really did much. Just today when I talked to her, she said that all my love amounted to nothing but temporary satisfaction and that none of it would translate to providing any future joy.

    So, the advice I need is what I should do. She's unhappy, depressed (she already was :s) and very anxious, and wants me back. Is there anything I can do to ease the pain for her?
    Cutting her off is the right choice, well done for being able to do so.
    No matter what you do, your efforts will never be enough to satisfy this person and it will all be soon forgotten about. Some people are just like that and don't appreciate a good person's efforts. If you do stick around, don't be surprised if you're replaced and left wondering why your effort wasn't good enough.

    I think you're wasting your time and she'll most likely replace you soon. Say your goodbyes and move on.
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    (Original post by _Nyx_)
    You can't really take away the pain of a break-up, especially from the one you split up with. That needs to heal by itself, and if you're sure it is the right thing to do, then going some time with no contact can help. Being in a relationship is a bit like having an addiction, and it seems the time she spent with you was giving her the highs but not true fulfilling happiness. Her dependence on you might only hold her back, as she might not bother to find friends or a passion in life, as she already has you to make her feel better. This kind of relationship will never be fulfilling for either of you, as it is, although I understand the desire to help the other person. It won't work in this case though.
    I'd recommend to give her some space, although that is the last thing she will want. I notice you don't mention how you feel at all. Do you feel you made the right decision? And were you mostly happy or unhappy in the relationship?
    I don't think I made the right decision, and I know that It'll negatively impact both of us for a while.

    To be honest, I did derive a happiness from it, knowing someone had pride in me and that sort of thing. I need to learn to have pride in myself though, and I feel as though that even if I did get a lot from the relationship, I lost too much of myself also.
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    I imagine you were giving too much of yourself trying to make her feel happier. It sounds very much like she is suffering from clinical depression, has she ever spoken to a doctor about how she feels? Feeling down for a long time is something that shouldn't just be ignored. Even if she has already seen a doctor about this issue, she should go back and let them know that this is not getting better.

    Honestly, I don't want to give you the wrong advice but thinking on this for a while, it seems to me that you may be able to continue with the relationship on the condition that she starts working on her depression e.g. visiting a doctor and looking into therapy. You would have to make it clear that although you'd be by her side, she would need to work on this depression and not rely on you to make it all better.

    You would have to refrain from giving too much of yourself again and maybe make more time for yourself. Have more time when you can focus on your own hobbies/interests and reduce the time you spend with her. That is if you do really think you made a wrong decision, although I can't deny that leaving her may be less emotionally stressful for you in the long run.
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    (Original post by _Nyx_)
    I imagine you were giving too much of yourself trying to make her feel happier. It sounds very much like she is suffering from clinical depression, has she ever spoken to a doctor about how she feels? Feeling down for a long time is something that shouldn't just be ignored. Even if she has already seen a doctor about this issue, she should go back and let them know that this is not getting better.

    Honestly, I don't want to give you the wrong advice but thinking on this for a while, it seems to me that you may be able to continue with the relationship on the condition that she starts working on her depression e.g. visiting a doctor and looking into therapy. You would have to make it clear that although you'd be by her side, she would need to work on this depression and not rely on you to make it all better.

    You would have to refrain from giving too much of yourself again and maybe make more time for yourself. Have more time when you can focus on your own hobbies/interests and reduce the time you spend with her. That is if you do really think you made a wrong decision, although I can't deny that leaving her may be less emotionally stressful for you in the long run.
    She did visit a psychiatrist/psychologist for a while, and I believe she still visits them occasionally. She also visited them in the past, to no avail. I had made it clear that how she feels all the time isn't healthy and that she should work on it, but she never really got past it and never had a passion for seeking help from her parents or anyone for that matter.

    When we talked about this she did place a lot of focus on only needing me to be happy and her dependence on me, and that seemed to be the centred point of her unhappiness in this situation
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    Then I think, sadly, that the decision you made was the right one. Being with you will only encourage her to grow dependent and not look further into working on her problem. For now, she is the only person who can help herself feel better. Hopefully the break up with you may be a catalyst to make her realise that she needs to find her own happiness, without relying on another to do so.

    You may not feel like it now, but you're doing the right thing for both of you. That's a really hard decision to make when you have feelings for someone. You say you should learn to take some pride in yourself, well, one thing you should take pride in is your ability to make tough decisions for the benefit of others. You seem to genuinely care about her well-being even after the break up. It sounds like you were a considerate boyfriend, she is just not in the right place in life to give you what you need as well.
 
 
 
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