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Am I being pathetic for feeling upset over this or not? Watch

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    Im in my twenties and have been with my older boyfriend for 2 years and the relationship has been rocky but I've always got him a card and something for his birthday and last time I took him out. For my birthday however he didn't get me a card just acknowledged it with a happy birthday text. I was a bit dissapointed but was fine with it as I thought well some people just don't rate birthdays much plus we were going through a bad phase. Today though I found out something which made me a bit upset but I don't know why, it's not that I'm jelous I don't think.

    Basically I found out that he has bought something for the birthday of a 14 year old lad he coaches in sport. He does spend a lot of time coaching him and the lads mum sometimes makes him meals etc. He bought the lad a usain bolt dvd (as he runs this is what he coaches him in) and has made him like a scrap book, a notebook but the front cover consists of photos of the lad performing in sport/his achievements etc. It's very good ha but I still felt upset that he went through this effort for him but I got nothing. I've not said anything to him I've just told him that the scrap book is really good but am I being a bit pathetic for feeling upset?

    I suppose it doesn't help that I've no friends and so only got one card off my parents it sort of rubbed it in how alone I really am compared to others my age who are having parties and a fuss made of them etc. It's always been the same with me though I've always been very introverted so it's my fault but yea. Just wanted advice/opinions although there's nothing I can do about it lol.
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    He doesn't seem worth your time...Maybe you should start over and meet new people
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    Not necessarily no.

    While I don't agree with expecting gifts at all, because I don't think that is what gift giving should be about. I do however sympathise with you maybe feeling like he just didn't care all that much when it came to yours. It's be the scrap book that probably would have upset me the most, that he spent a lot of time and thought on that persons gift but you only got a happy birthday text (which takes 0 effort or thought). For me it wouldn't be about the gift itself it would be feeling like I was valued less. If you understand what I mean?

    Having said that, every relationship is different and it massively depends on your relationship dynamics. Does he show he cares in other ways? Does he put in effort in other ways? My ex for example wasn't really a gift giver, it didn't bother me when I spent £20 on his birthday and he for my birthday got me some ice cream. Because I knew he was like that with gifts for everyone, not just me. And also because he knew I loved ice cream and knew what flavours I liked. So he was still showing her cared in his way and I didn't feel like I was getting less care than I was giving, it was just in a different form.
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    Awww I mean it's kinda cute how he did all that for the guy he coaches.
    But at the same time even if you were goin through a bit of a hard time with him it was still your birthday. The gift doesn't count, it's the thought that counts but here he just sent a text which takes zero thinking. I'm sure even if he gave you something small you would have been happy cuz a gift is a gift. Maybe try speaking to him and tell him you weren't expecting too much but something small would have been nice so hopefully for the future he knows?
    And I'd probably be upset too so it's normal and your not being pathetic.
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    I think the thing here is that you should be worth the same effort level as a kid he coaches given you've been together 2 years. So yes I think you're right to be upset.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Im in my twenties and have been with my older boyfriend for 2 years and the relationship has been rocky but I've always got him a card and something for his birthday and last time I took him out. For my birthday however he didn't get me a card just acknowledged it with a happy birthday text. I was a bit dissapointed but was fine with it as I thought well some people just don't rate birthdays much plus we were going through a bad phase. Today though I found out something which made me a bit upset but I don't know why, it's not that I'm jelous I don't think.

    Basically I found out that he has bought something for the birthday of a 14 year old lad he coaches in sport. He does spend a lot of time coaching him and the lads mum sometimes makes him meals etc. He bought the lad a usain bolt dvd (as he runs this is what he coaches him in) and has made him like a scrap book, a notebook but the front cover consists of photos of the lad performing in sport/his achievements etc. It's very good ha but I still felt upset that he went through this effort for him but I got nothing. I've not said anything to him I've just told him that the scrap book is really good but am I being a bit pathetic for feeling upset?

    I suppose it doesn't help that I've no friends and so only got one card off my parents it sort of rubbed it in how alone I really am compared to others my age who are having parties and a fuss made of them etc. It's always been the same with me though I've always been very introverted so it's my fault but yea. Just wanted advice/opinions although there's nothing I can do about it lol.

    He is bang out of order. I'd be pissed if that happened to me. Many years ago I would just accept cheap, crap presents or crap they got free and passed on to me or if they got me nothing but now I decided I'm going to speak up and go should too
    Because I'm too nice to men they take the piss and think they can buy me crap and I just put up with it but not anymore because everyone deserves a nice present on their birthday. A pathetic text is just lame and it's nice what he did for the boy but he should have done the same for you
    Call him out on it because it is cruel to do that to anyone. He needs to apologise and buy you a proper present
    Just because you were not getting on at the time is another lame excuse or even if anyone else had not been going out for very long or were not getting on at the time then a birthday is a good excuse to make up by buying that person a present or arranging a nice meal at home or restaurant or going to a cinema.
    Tell him how upset you really were so he does not do it again and he is the pathetic one for not making the effort, even if he could not afford anything he could have said he'll make it up to you after your birthday when he has more money
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    just speak to him and no you are not being pathetic just speak to him and let him know how you feel some times boys can be a bit reckless i am sometimes.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Im in my twenties and have been with my older boyfriend for 2 years and the relationship has been rocky but I've always got him a card and something for his birthday and last time I took him out. For my birthday however he didn't get me a card just acknowledged it with a happy birthday text. I was a bit dissapointed but was fine with it as I thought well some people just don't rate birthdays much plus we were going through a bad phase. Today though I found out something which made me a bit upset but I don't know why, it's not that I'm jelous I don't think.

    Basically I found out that he has bought something for the birthday of a 14 year old lad he coaches in sport. He does spend a lot of time coaching him and the lads mum sometimes makes him meals etc. He bought the lad a usain bolt dvd (as he runs this is what he coaches him in) and has made him like a scrap book, a notebook but the front cover consists of photos of the lad performing in sport/his achievements etc. It's very good ha but I still felt upset that he went through this effort for him but I got nothing. I've not said anything to him I've just told him that the scrap book is really good but am I being a bit pathetic for feeling upset?

    I suppose it doesn't help that I've no friends and so only got one card off my parents it sort of rubbed it in how alone I really am compared to others my age who are having parties and a fuss made of them etc. It's always been the same with me though I've always been very introverted so it's my fault but yea. Just wanted advice/opinions although there's nothing I can do about it lol.

    I meant and so should you about speaking up but I made spelling mistakes so it came out wrong
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    Don't see why girls make such a big deal over cards all the time. They're just pieces of paper. You can't do anything with them.
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    Him not giving you attention on your birthday is not acceptable. It shows he doesn't really care about your happiness, is not interested in making you feel special and doesn't really put much thought into the relationship. He takes you for granted. He or anyone else could say "why is everyone so materialistic, you shouldn't expect gifts blah blah blah"... but I disagree. It doesn't have to be expensive, not everyone can afford gifts. But I know a lot of people who can't afford gifts who still make the day special for their loved one. A text is pathetic. A night in with a bottle of wine or some chocolate just chilling and hanging out and spending special time together is nice enough. At least it shows he cares and is interested in you. A text is so uncaring and thoughtless and to me just shows he doesn't really give a ****. I could forgive one birthday... but not if it's a continuous thing. It's one day of the year, it is ZERO effort to make someone your supposed to love feel like you mean something to them.

    I am not trying to be rude but the fact that you mentioned you have no friends makes it seem like you depend on him for all your social interactions. It puts you in an awkward and difficult position of either accepting his poor behaviour and staying with him or being completely alone and leaving him.
    I would focus on why you don't have any friends and what you can do to change that.
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    you probably just not fiance material that's all. Just enjoy life and put your birthday card crafting skills on other people who will end up appreciating your work.
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    I personally would be really upset/annoyed if this happened to me.
    The best thing to do would be to tell him everything that you've said here in your post, especially since you've said that your relationship has been rocky.
    Being alone is much better than being with someone who doesn't deserve you and in my opinion, he doesn't appreciate you enough and you deserve someone much better :hugs:.
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    I agree with what in general has been said in this thread. When you really love someone you literally go out of your way to things for them you wouldn't for anyone else.

    He is definitely taking you for granted. Though it would give more context if we knew exactly what the rough patch was, if you're comfortable sharing.
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    Maybe you could do some voluntary work such as looking after dogs from a dog home. If you do that you will meet some kind people who care for animals and also enjoy taking the dogs out for a walk and looking after them , stroking them etc, which would take your mind off your problems. You might even make some new friends . Do you like dogs ? Or perhaps work with old people helping them eat their meals or get about a bit if you don't like dogs.
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    So far the responses have been pretty one sided here and some maybe just a tad ott.

    I think you're taking this too much to heart. Don't get me wrong, I'm a gift giver. I don't much like receiving them, I'd just be happy if someone remembered, **** material things. However, a text message is a little impersonal but at the time maybe it was just what worked best, as you say you were going through a rough patch there.

    Let me break something down that seems to be the bane of 99% of relationship issues I've read on this site so far. Communication. He's not a mind reader just as you aren't a mind reader when it comes to him. If you want something you need to convey that need. That doesn't mean that you have to tell him exactly what it is that you want in black and white but lay a hint down here and there. Keep it positive. Given your description of the gift he's done for the boy that he trains he sounds like a real sweet guy.

    As far as you saying that you have no friends goes, go and make some then, reconnect with old friends, make the effort to make new ones. But I wholeheartedly disagree with the idea of breaking up with him because you didn't get a birthday card.
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    (Original post by Moura)
    Him not giving you attention on your birthday is not acceptable. It shows he doesn't really care about your happiness, is not interested in making you feel special and doesn't really put much thought into the relationship. He takes you for granted. He or anyone else could say "why is everyone so materialistic, you shouldn't expect gifts blah blah blah"... but I disagree. It doesn't have to be expensive, not everyone can afford gifts. But I know a lot of people who can't afford gifts who still make the day special for their loved one. A text is pathetic. A night in with a bottle of wine or some chocolate just chilling and hanging out and spending special time together is nice enough. At least it shows he cares and is interested in you. A text is so uncaring and thoughtless and to me just shows he doesn't really give a ****. I could forgive one birthday... but not if it's a continuous thing. It's one day of the year, it is ZERO effort to make someone your supposed to love feel like you mean something to them.

    I am not trying to be rude but the fact that you mentioned you have no friends makes it seem like you depend on him for all your social interactions. It puts you in an awkward and difficult position of either accepting his poor behaviour and staying with him or being completely alone and leaving him.
    I would focus on why you don't have any friends and what you can do to change that.
    I didn't mind that he didn't get anything, if I'm honest I was maybe a little bit upset but I easily shrugged it off and just put it down to the fact that some people just don't rate birthdays. It was the fact that he put all this effort in for this lad and just an hour ago he sent me a text asking me if I could sign the lads birthday card he has got him. This upsets/angers me a lot more because I suppose it confirms the idea that he does acknowledge birthdays, but not mine. I don't mind signing the card it's not the lads fault at all but yeh I just feel a bit angry as though people don't respect me. As for why I don't have friends a lot of it is down to me being introverted and I'm just not as chit chatty/likeable as most other people. I think people see me as immature or 'quirky' as someone said and so don't take me that seriously. People often describe me as being very nice but quiet. I've been trying to change this for years I make the effort to talk to people but for some reason people seem to relate to others more and kind of blank me. With me enjoying my own company anyway I've just always sort of accepted this and so done my own thing which I prefere doing anyway (even though I've nothing against anyone lol). If that makes any sense, I'm not sure if it does haha.
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    He should've at least came out to see you and took you somewhere nice if he didn't want to give a present.
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    (Original post by CamLikesCookies)
    So far the responses have been pretty one sided here and some maybe just a tad ott.

    I think you're taking this too much to heart. Don't get me wrong, I'm a gift giver. I don't much like receiving them, I'd just be happy if someone remembered, **** material things. However, a text message is a little impersonal but at the time maybe it was just what worked best, as you say you were going through a rough patch there.

    Let me break something down that seems to be the bane of 99% of relationship issues I've read on this site so far. Communication. He's not a mind reader just as you aren't a mind reader when it comes to him. If you want something you need to convey that need. That doesn't mean that you have to tell him exactly what it is that you want in black and white but lay a hint down here and there. Keep it positive. Given your description of the gift he's done for the boy that he trains he sounds like a real sweet guy.

    As far as you saying that you have no friends goes, go and make some then, reconnect with old friends, make the effort to make new ones. But I wholeheartedly disagree with the idea of breaking up with him because you didn't get a birthday card.
    Ok thanks, I will take this on board too. That's what I put it down to the fact that he is just not a gift giver which is fine people show that they care in differ ways. But then what he has done for this lad sort of contradicts this I thought if he is not a gift giver why has he done this for the lad ha. It's weird because if I was reading an identical thread to this one I've made but it was written by someone else I would have probably thought 'omg don't make a big deal over a birthday get over it' but now it's happened to me I can't help feeling a bit upset/annoyed and as though I'm not really worth much. It's not just him though I suppose it's my whole lack of friends situation which I've been in for years and it is my fault the problem must be with me somewhere as everyone else is social/has friends.

    You are right about the fact that he is not a mind reader. I'm not very assertive and prefer to act like things don't bother me rather than discussing them,I've always been like this. I think it's because if I act as though things don't bother me people won't feel the satisfaction that they are 'getting a rise' out of me if they want to. Anyway yea I can't really expect him to know that I'm upset if I don't tell him but it's just how I am I'd rather not mention it. I think it is part of the problem in the relationship that I'm not communicating well but maybe I need to work on it somehow.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ok thanks, I will take this on board too. That's what I put it down to the fact that he is just not a gift giver which is fine people show that they care in differ ways. But then what he has done for this lad sort of contradicts this I thought if he is not a gift giver why has he done this for the lad ha. It's weird because if I was reading an identical thread to this one I've made but it was written by someone else I would have probably thought 'omg don't make a big deal over a birthday get over it' but now it's happened to me I can't help feeling a bit upset/annoyed and as though I'm not really worth much. It's not just him though I suppose it's my whole lack of friends situation which I've been in for years and it is my fault the problem must be with me somewhere as everyone else is social/has friends.

    You are right about the fact that he is not a mind reader. I'm not very assertive and prefer to act like things don't bother me rather than discussing them,I've always been like this. I think it's because if I act as though things don't bother me people won't feel the satisfaction that they are 'getting a rise' out of me if they want to. Anyway yea I can't really expect him to know that I'm upset if I don't tell him but it's just how I am I'd rather not mention it. I think it is part of the problem in the relationship that I'm not communicating well but maybe I need to work on it somehow.
    I think the age of the kid probably has a lot to do with this. I mean it means more when you're younger to get something like that. Talk to him, lack of communication is a problem for us all at some point on some level. There are no end of people out there who want to be your friend, when the time is right good karma will bring them to you.
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    I honestly thought you were going to say that you thought they were both having an intimate relationship or something like that. Was to about sayyyyyyyyyyyy. Anyway, i would be really bloody jealous and upset. He's a jerk ( as americans say)
 
 
 
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