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    He is in the second year of the HND but his attendance is quite poor. If he decides to quit, will he have to pay back the full £2,500 a year fees, plus the maintenance grant and loan he received ? [Altogether over 5K. ] How is he supposed to pay this back when he has no money and I am currently on benefits? Mods. Could you change the title to say PAY back not PACK ?? Cheers.
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    He won't have to pay back the grant, but otherwise, yes. And he will only pay it back once he starts earning over £17495, as you are in Northern Ireland, yes? It is not your responsibility but his.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    He is in the second year of the HND but his attendance is quite poor. If he decides to quit, will he have to pay back the full £2,500 a year fees, plus the maintenance grant and loan he received ? [Altogether over 5K. ] How is he supposed to pay this back when he has no money and I am currently on benefits? Mods. Could you change the title to say PAY back not PACK ?? Cheers.
    Is this the son who was going to Uni? I am sorry to hear you are having such trials, if it is.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    Is this the son who was going to Uni? I am sorry to hear you are having such trials, if it is.
    He's such hard work. He will be 20 years old on 2nd Feb. To be fair to him he has never, ever been interested in wanting to go to uni. [I made a post a few years ago on here about him "My son doesn't want to go to uni", where I was quite upset about it. People were ****ging me off, saying it's his right, etc. Which is true. I know I have been pushing him these last few years. It was important he stayed in college. He was fine with the first year of the HND. Wanted to quit before the second year started. I went on and on at him, saying what would he do if he left college? Sign on the dole? And that it would be better if he stayed at college another year and got the full HND. It's been a bit of a disaster since he started in the second year though back in September. He has absolutely lost all interest in the course [Health and Social Care]. I again, being pushy, persuaded him to apply to Uni before the deadline. I said to him as the year progresses, around May he can always turn down a place if when it gets nearer the time he really doesn't want to go. But it would be far harder to go looking for a place on a course if he hadn't applied in the first place. He has recently lost his best and closest friend. They had a massive massive falling out. They had been friends since they were 11. My son wouldn't tell me what it was about, suffice to say he said he will never speak to him again. His only other friend is a useless waste of space who does nothing but get drunk and smoke weed all day every day, just like his mother and her latest boyfriend. I keep thinking they have said to him that if he does really badly at college the next few months he won't get the grades and every uni will reject him for year 2 entry. My son is at college every Mon and Tues, 9 till 6pm. He hasn't been in once in the last three weeks. Is he trying to deliberately get thrown off the course or fail the course so there is no way any uni will accept him, so then it will be that problem solved? It's pointless me asking him as even if it was true he would deny it anyway. Sorry this is so wrong.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    He's such hard work. He will be 20 years old on 2nd Feb. To be fair to him he has never, ever been interested in wanting to go to uni. [I made a post a few years ago on here about him "My son doesn't want to go to uni", where I was quite upset about it. People were ****ging me off, saying it's his right, etc. Which is true. I know I have been pushing him these last few years. It was important he stayed in college. He was fine with the first year of the HND. Wanted to quit before the second year started. I went on and on at him, saying what would he do if he left college? Sign on the dole? And that it would be better if he stayed at college another year and got the full HND. It's been a bit of a disaster since he started in the second year though back in September. He has absolutely lost all interest in the course [Health and Social Care]. I again, being pushy, persuaded him to apply to Uni before the deadline. I said to him as the year progresses, around May he can always turn down a place if when it gets nearer the time he really doesn't want to go. But it would be far harder to go looking for a place on a course if he hadn't applied in the first place. He has recently lost his best and closest friend. They had a massive massive falling out. They had been friends since they were 11. My son wouldn't tell me what it was about, suffice to say he said he will never speak to him again. His only other friend is a useless waste of space who does nothing but get drunk and smoke weed all day every day, just like his mother and her latest boyfriend. I keep thinking they have said to him that if he does really badly at college the next few months he won't get the grades and every uni will reject him for year 2 entry. My son is at college every Mon and Tues, 9 till 6pm. He hasn't been in once in the last three weeks. Is he trying to deliberately get thrown off the course or fail the course so there is no way any uni will accept him, so then it will be that problem solved? It's pointless me asking him as even if it was true he would deny it anyway. Sorry this is so wrong.
    He could really do with having a word with a mentor or someone (not his mother) about what he wants and who he would listen to.

    He should also have a word with student welfare or his GP in case he has some sorty of anxiety or depression. Perhaps it isnt too late to get him back on track. If he wants to quit hos course then thats up to him, so is going to uni, but if he wants to look out for his best interests then he has to start using his brain and think what he wants to do. Not sure if it would have been possible to cash out after the first year and take a lesser qualification.

    If he called a halt at year 1, then maybe he could resume his studies later. I understand you are concerned for him and it doesnt sound like he really understands how the world works, but maybe when he has had a taste for it and realises an education cna be very importnat then he can rethink. he cna always go to uni later in lfe, for now he could just do an apprenticeship. the important thing imo is not to waste funding, so he always has the option of going to uni.

    I think he has to make his own mistakes. It would be better ofc if he got his act together and even if he didnt wnat this course or uni he did put some effort into finding out what he did wnat to do and made an effort to arrange it.

    No idea about the falling out. They arent always permanently fnished but hard to comment.

    Prnces Trust do a mentoring service.

    There is also a list of youth charities and advisors he can talk to.

    https://www.princes-trust.org.uk/hel...careers-advice
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    If he doesn't do it then what can you do? Drag him into college? He may have to learn the hard way and go back to College when he is older and figures out it was a bad decision to not put the effort in.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    He could really do with having a word with a mentor or someone (not his mother) about what he wants and who he would listen to.

    He should also have a word with student welfare or his GP in case he has some sorty of anxiety or depression. Perhaps it isnt too late to get him back on track. If he wants to quit hos course then thats up to him, so is going to uni, but if he wants to look out for his best interests then he has to start using his brain and think what he wants to do. Not sure if it would have been possible to cash out after the first year and take a lesser qualification.

    If he called a halt at year 1, then maybe he could resume his studies later. I understand you are concerned for him and it doesnt sound like he really understands how the world works, but maybe when he has had a taste for it and realises an education cna be very importnat then he can rethink. he cna always go to uni later in lfe, for now he could just do an apprenticeship. the important thing imo is not to waste funding, so he always has the option of going to uni.

    I think he has to make his own mistakes. It would be better ofc if he got his act together and even if he didnt wnat this course or uni he did put some effort into finding out what he did wnat to do and made an effort to arrange it.

    No idea about the falling out. They arent always permanently fnished but hard to comment.
    Thanks for your advice. At first he was really interested in Health and Social Care and was awarded DDM for his Level 3 Ext dip. [His college don't award Distinction *]. But three and a half year into it I think he is fed up of studying the same subjects. He has said he would quite like to work with children, maybe as a social worker's assistant. He does two days a week work placement at a primary school and really enjoys it, and they seem very pleased with it. He told me today he is much happier going into the school than he is going in to the college. Also he is very,very shy. I can't be 100 percent certain, but I don't think he has made one single friend at college. So it must be difficult in that regard, not having anyone to really speak to all day for two full days a week. I also know one of the reasons he said previously why he didn't want to go to uni is because he is shy. I tried telling him lots of people who go to uni are shy, but they don't deliberately deprive themselves of an education because of it.
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    Oh and guess what folks? I wrote,wrote and re-wrote his personal statement for him. Took ten re-writes until I got it down to what I thought sounded great. He had no interest in even looking at it. Come three hours before the 6pm deadline he deletes half of it and writes a load of crap that I know would have got him five rejections. I went ballistic at him. All he talked about all the way through was his placements. He mentioned nothing about the units and modules he had studied so for and how they will relate to the course at uni. After lots of stress, he finally handed in a half decent version with one hour until the deadline. My version was far, far better. I'm not being conceited when I say that. I spent weeks on it and the final draft, I really nailed it and included everything that needed to be said in a concise, but efficient manner, with perfect punctuation. His was all over the place. I didn't check the final draft before he sent it. When I read what he had written [I wish there was some way for someone on here to read his PS and tell me honestly what they think] I cringed. Again, did he do that deliberately to sabotage his 5 applications? You must all think i'm some sort of control freak. I'm really not. It's just that he is my only child and naturally I want the best for him. I don't want to see him in some crap minimum wage job. I know full well I need to learn to let go and let him do whatever he wants. I'm really hoping that, as he turns 20 ,I will be able to do this. One more thing; If any of your have read my other posts about him. I still have to wake him up every morning to go in to college. If I didn't do it he wouldn't bother his arse, and would turn over and go back to sleep. It's down to me he even got 8 GCSE's and the equivalent of 3 A levels with his BTEC and the first year of the HND. But i'm just getting a little bit tired of having to nanny him now. The novelty is wearing off and I need to let go. Even if this means he fails in everything? He's my son, and I don't know if I can do that.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    You must all think i'm some sort of control freak. I'm really not.
    OK, brace yourself - plain speaking follows, for which I apologise in advance.

    You really are a control freak. I mean - really, really. You are a nightmare helicopter parent. Seriously. I know someone exactly like you and their thirty year old child still lives at home, with no job and has never paid a bill for themselves. Everything is taken away from them and done for them, because they can't do it well enough, or fast enough, or to a high enough standard. They have trouble setting foot outside the house, their confidence is so battered.

    Your son is cripplingly shy and lacking in confidence and you are undermining him at every turn. Back. Off. He will fail. He will fall over. Life's just like that. The only way he can learn how to cope with these inevitabilities, is to go through them and get himself out of them.

    This is time for tough love - for you and for him. He needs to deal with his problems and run his own life, and you need to stop making things worse. If you would just take a step back, each action you describe can only possibly ever make the situation worse.

    Just because you love him and mean well, does not automatically make your actions right. The parent I described above is one of the nicest, most generous people I know and doesn't have a bad bone in their body. But their child will probably never be able to hold down a job or live independently, as their sense of self-worth has been systematically dismantled over decades.

    I realise that this is not the supportive, sympathetic, positive response you hoped for, but someone has to say this. I apologise for making you feel the way you do by this point, but I hope that after some reflection, it might eventually sense and be helpful.

    Good luck - to both of you.
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    (Original post by Klix88)
    OK, brace yourself - plain speaking follows, for which I apologise in advance.

    You really are a control freak. I mean - really, really. You are a nightmare helicopter parent. Seriously. I know someone exactly like you and their thirty year old child still lives at home, with no job and has never paid a bill for themselves. Everything is taken away from them and done for them, because they can't do it well enough, or fast enough, or to a high enough standard. They have trouble setting foot outside the house, their confidence is so battered.

    Your son is cripplingly shy and lacking in confidence and you are undermining him at every turn. Back. Off. He will fail. He will fall over. Life's just like that. The only way he can learn how to cope with these inevitabilities, is to go through them and get himself out of them.

    This is time for tough love - for you and for him. He needs to deal with his problems and run his own life, and you need to stop making things worse. If you would just take a step back, each action you describe can only possibly ever make the situation worse.

    Just because you love him and mean well, does not automatically make your actions right. The parent I described above is one of the nicest, most generous people I know and doesn't have a bad bone in their body. But their child will probably never be able to hold down a job or live independently, as their sense of self-worth has been systematically dismantled over decades.

    I realise that this is not the supportive, sympathetic, positive response you hoped for, but someone has to say this. I apologise for making you feel the way you do by this point, but I hope that after some reflection, it might eventually sense and be helpful.

    Good luck - to both of you.
    Thank you, your honesty is appreciated. Had a long chat with him tonight when he came home from college. I was asking him how things are going. He told me he has not made one single friend in the three and a half years he has been there. He said he dreads going in as he is alone and feels awkward. He is the only boy [apart from a 45 year old] and all the girls stick together and ignore him. I said why doesn't he push himself forward and go up to them and speak to them instead of expecting them to go up to him? He said he tried at first at the start but they all sort of drifted away from him and began ignoring him. I know he only has one friend who is not at college. This is one of the reasons I wanted him to go to uni. Not for the degree, but to change his environment and force himself to make friends. He doesn't have a single friend in the village we live in, and then friends he used to have at primary school he hasn't spoken to in years. I suggested he contact some of them and just strike up a conversation on Facebook but he said they would think he was weird after all these years. I told him I fear he is going to end up like the man who lives next door to us; in his forties, no job, or relationship and still living at home with his father. It is his twentieth birthday on Thursday. He's never so much as kissed a girl and his only friend suffers from depression and never leaves the house.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    Thank you, your honesty is appreciated. Had a long chat with him tonight when he came home from college. I was asking him how things are going. He told me he has not made one single friend in the three and a half years he has been there. He said he dreads going in as he is alone and feels awkward. He is the only boy [apart from a 45 year old] and all the girls stick together and ignore him. I said why doesn't he push himself forward and go up to them and speak to them instead of expecting them to go up to him? He said he tried at first at the start but they all sort of drifted away from him and began ignoring him. I know he only has one friend who is not at college. This is one of the reasons I wanted him to go to uni. Not for the degree, but to change his environment and force himself to make friends. He doesn't have a single friend in the village we live in, and then friends he used to have at primary school he hasn't spoken to in years. I suggested he contact some of them and just strike up a conversation on Facebook but he said they would think he was weird after all these years. I told him I fear he is going to end up like the man who lives next door to us; in his forties, no job, or relationship and still living at home with his father. It is his twentieth birthday on Thursday. He's never so much as kissed a girl and his only friend suffers from depression and never leaves the house.
    It's clear that you are a loving mother and that you only want the best for your son. However, you need to stop doing things for him and attempting to control his future. It sounds like he doesn't possess much confidence, self-worth or purpose. You need to be encouraging but without forcing your dreams on to him. He is his own separate entity. I think that parents sometimes see their children as an extension of themselves. If you keep treating him like a little child (which you do with writing his PS, dictating his life choices and waking him up), then he will continue to act like one. I am sure that you are well-intentioned, but it's obviously not having the desired outcome.

    I also think could benefit immensely from seeing a counsellor. As with every kid, there's some stuff they don't want to share with mum and dad.
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    He is very interested in Astronomy. I Googled Astronomical Societies in Northern Ireland. Sadly there is only one and it is miles away from us. They do however have a website you can join and I saw they had over 500 members in Northern Ireland. I suggested tonight he join the forum and get chatting to people who have a similar interest. I said he could give a different username and could be anonymous if he wanted. Just some people to speak to and get chatting to on a regular basis who had a similar interest. He absolutely dismissed it out of hand. Said he would want to get to know people first to see what kind of people they were before chatting to them and he didn't want to start talking to random people on an astronomy forum he knew nothing about. I told him everyone has to start somewhere in making friends, and at the start, people don't know about one another. I just thought it would be a good way to get to know people. Told him if there are over 500 members just in Northern Ireland it goes without saying that some of them are probably from our area. But he didn't want to know, which I thought was a shame and he could at least given it a try.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    I suggested he contact some of them and just strike up a conversation on Facebook but he said they would think he was weird after all these years.
    That is weird. It's a rather socially awkward move to have an convo with people on FB if you haven't spoken to them for years. Also what is the point? It would never extend beyond an online conversation. Your son isn't going to make friends by FB messaging old faces.

    (Original post by markova21)
    I told him I fear he is going to end up like the man who lives next door to us; in his forties, no job, or relationship and still living at home with his father.
    Yet you treat him like a small child. What do you expect? Also, fearmongering will only make him feel worse. It sounds like his self-esteem is already at rock-bottom.

    (Original post by markova21)
    It is his twentieth birthday on Thursday. He's never so much as kissed a girl.
    Don't see anything wrong with this tbh. Sounds like he might have some mental health issues. Give him the help he needs and stop suffocating him. Send him to a counsellor.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    He is very interested in Astronomy. I Googled Astronomical Societies in Northern Ireland. Sadly there is only one and it is miles away from us. They do however have a website you can join and I saw they had over 500 members in Northern Ireland. I suggested tonight he join the forum and get chatting to people who have a similar interest. I said he could give a different username and could be anonymous if he wanted. Just some people to speak to and get chatting to on a regular basis who had a similar interest. He absolutely dismissed it out of hand. Said he would want to get to know people first to see what kind of people they were before chatting to them and he didn't want to start talking to random people on an astronomy forum he knew nothing about. I told him everyone has to start somewhere in making friends, and at the start, people don't know about one another. I just thought it would be a good way to get to know people. Told him if there are over 500 members just in Northern Ireland it goes without saying that some of them are probably from our area. But he didn't want to know, which I thought was a shame and he could at least given it a try.
    Your son is right. You want him to make real life friends and your suggestion is talking to people on a forum? That's not how it works. It actually might make him even more isolated and rely on talking to people over the internet vs develop his people skills. He needs to see a counsellor who can provide useful advice. I know you are trying to help but you are almost making it worse. And it's odd that you cannot see this.
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    I really don't think i'm suffocating him though. A few years back I offered to pay for him to travel to wherever in the world he wanted to go, for up to about four weeks. I said pick a place or places and I will pay for everything. He didn't want to know. His aunt and uncle were going to pay for him to attend private boarding school in Dublin when he was 12; a once in a lifetime opportunity considering our socio-economic background. It would have changed his life. He said it would ruin his life. So he went to the local Catholic High School where he was forced into the lowest possible set even though he was bright, simply because he took his Eleven Plus exam entirely written and answered in the Irish language and therefore got a Grade D. Even Caitriona Ruanne, the then Education Minister's daughter, who had Irish spoken to her every minute of every day could only manage a B grade. It was that hard. But his crappy school saw the D grade and assumed he was thick. He has resented the school ever since. He had to do the lower tier GCSE's so the highest mark he was only going to ever achieve was a Grade C as that was all it went up to. So, he got his 8 grade C's. He said he has nothing in common with anyone on his course and a lot of them are really of a low intellect; he said he can tell just by the way they speak in class. Some of them have a bad reputation around town as they have had lots of different boyfriends considering their age. I said to him about two years ago that he has two choices; to either continue with his education or look for a job. I'm pretty sure he has only continued at college because he hates the idea of work; he's practically said as much. But i've told him straight i'm not going to have him lying around the house playing that wretched X BOX and not be doing something constructive with his life. If he had it his way this is exactly what he would want to do. He told me once he wished he could claim Disability Benefit so he never has to work. What kind of an attitude is that for a young lad to have? He has no ambition, no dreams for the future. His father was an alcoholic who died when he was ten. I am on my own here [i'm from Manchester] and have no family or support whatsoever. Getting him through his education ,when he refused to go in school and we had the Education Welfare Officer calling round every week has been tough. I have to wake him up at 7 every morning. If I didn't he wouldn't go in to college at all. He would turn around and just go back to sleep until noon every day. That would be his HND ****ed and five thousand pounds in fees up the swanney. But I am getting tired of it. I DO need to take a back seat and let him sink or swim. Not in any dramatic way, but it's his life. If it wasn't for me I know for a fact he wouldn't have a single GCSE to his name as I had to push and push him to go in and then to revise. He had no interest. He showed a lot more interest with the BTEC Level 3 Extended Diploma when he was awarded Distinction Distinction Merit. Now the HND finishes in June. He can do what he wants once it's over. Sadly I don't have any more money to pay for him to travel if that's what he wanted to do. But he said he wouldn't have the confidence to travel on his own anyway. I tried seeing if he was interested in drama, then swimming, then piano lessons when he was younger. Or in anything that took his fancy. The only thing he was interested in was at first the Playstation then X BOX. I took ballet lessons from the age of nine and having an extracurricular interest makes for a more rounded individual. I thought I was trying to help him but he didn't want to know.
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    (Original post by Bubblyminty)
    Your son is right. You want him to make real life friends and your suggestion is talking to people on a forum? That's not how it works. It actually might make him even more isolated and rely on talking to people over the internet vs develop his people skills. He needs to see a counsellor who can provide useful advice. I know you are trying to help but you are almost making it worse. And it's odd that you cannot see this.
    I see your point. I just thought an internet forum where everyone had the same interests as him might lead to him getting to know people and therefore make some friends in real life from it.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    Thank you, your honesty is appreciated. Had a long chat with him tonight when he came home from college. I was asking him how things are going. He told me he has not made one single friend in the three and a half years he has been there. He said he dreads going in as he is alone and feels awkward. He is the only boy [apart from a 45 year old] and all the girls stick together and ignore him. I said why doesn't he push himself forward and go up to them and speak to them instead of expecting them to go up to him? He said he tried at first at the start but they all sort of drifted away from him and began ignoring him. I know he only has one friend who is not at college. This is one of the reasons I wanted him to go to uni. Not for the degree, but to change his environment and force himself to make friends. He doesn't have a single friend in the village we live in, and then friends he used to have at primary school he hasn't spoken to in years. I suggested he contact some of them and just strike up a conversation on Facebook but he said they would think he was weird after all these years. I told him I fear he is going to end up like the man who lives next door to us; in his forties, no job, or relationship and still living at home with his father. It is his twentieth birthday on Thursday. He's never so much as kissed a girl and his only friend suffers from depression and never leaves the house.
    My error. He said last night all through the level 3 he had a nice group of friends. Don't know if they were the same people or not, but on the first year of the HND he had about 5 or 6 friends. Every one of them left at the end of the first year to do nursing degrees. When he found out all his friends were leaving he wanted to as well. I persuaded him to go back and do the second year, as what on earth was he going to do with a HNC that wasn't even worth the first year of a degree? These girls were the only people he spoke to. I was in town with him a few months ago. He was walking in front of me. We passed a cafe and a girl looked at my son as if she recognised him, then pulled a face as if to say ,"Ugh, him" and turned to someone she was with and I can tell then started talking about him. Thankfully he didn't see. He's happy today as he is at the primary school. He said he gets on well with all the members of staff and they have a laugh in the staff room, so he can't be completely shy. Or maybe they're just nicer people, I don't know. He said nobody speaks to the 40 year old in college either. My son does sometimes, but he is the only one.
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    He should get a mentor or counsellor. I'm surprised if you haven't sent him to one in the past. It sounds like it would help him.
 
 
 
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