Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Just hung phone up on my Nan... Should I call back ? (Situation re Trump/Muslim Ban) Watch

    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    As a general point I think people should be more tolerant of the views of older people. I think people too quickly label them all sorts when they are not bad people. They grew up in a different era and often it is only ignorance.

    But I don't think you owe your grandma anything because she is old and lonely. If she shouts at you, you don't have to put up with that. Old people are not stupid and can be manipulative. Sometimes you have to put your foot down with them.

    I don't think you should call back the same night. You didn't do anything wrong. I would just call her next time when you usually would and not mention it unless she brings it up and then you can defend yourself.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    I would hang up too. However rude it was, it's nowhere near as rude as she was to Muslims.
    But next time you see her, perhaps you should set up some ground rules. Stay away from certain topics and warn her that if she goes off about them near you, you're not going to react well.
    (Original post by markova21)
    That must be incredibly difficult to just accept.
    Difference generally is difficult to accept, but that's just life. If you haven't learned how to be tolerant towards people who make you feel uncomfortable by the time you've left school, you should be held back from adulthood until you have :p:



    If anything I expect the elderly to be more mature, tolerant and accepting. Not less.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by WoodyMKC)
    Falling out with a family member because their political views are right wing. The hallmark of a raging SJW.
    It's funny actually. We on the left are told off for insinuating that there's any association between right/far-right views and racism. Then actual right wingers come along and call blatantly racist viewpoints "right wing".
    • Very Important Poster
    Offline

    19
    (Original post by lee1999wright)
    Hi TSR,
    Little bit of an odd one, but I don't know what to do so I'll ask you.
    Nan says how stupid the Donald Trump ban is, I could deal with this because there are two valid arguments for him visiting on a state visit or not. Went along with it because its just easier to agree than disagree. Personally, I've signed it as do not think someone who discriminates against Muslims should be invited to the UK on state visit.
    Then, she goes on a twist insulting all Muslims and saying "its a disgrace we have a Muslim mayor of London, they should not be allowed any power of authority because you know, you don't know what they might be planning" and some more offensive remarks were made, which I wont repeat.
    I tried to say how this is unfair as it does not represent Muslims and ended up getting shouted at down the phone, so I hung up.

    My Nan is lonely and so I make sure I call her at least four times a week and have a good chat, she's said some controversial stuff before but I've ignored it.
    I don't want to leave her on a Sunday night on bad terms when I could be only person this weekend she has spoken to but at the same time I do not wish to be shouted at for standing up against discrimination, it's something I cant let slide.

    Thoughts ?
    What would you do ?

    Thanks
    Lee
    Phone her, point out you shouldnt have put the phone down, buts she said some very controvesial things which you strongly disagreed with. You have your own bies and she has hers, so you cna agree to differ, but you will not compromise or believe what she says is right.

    Give her the opprtunity to call it a truce there and if she carries on, then suggest you should talk about soemthing else and if she wont, then just visit less often or dont engage her on those topics.
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    I hope you called her back. People are entitled to their own views and I would definitely say that people don't have a right to upset or hurt people with those views (e.g. racist ones) your nan isn't actually offending anyone by telling you her views. Old people tend to be less modern and accepting and you can show your views calmly or just say 'shall we talk about something else and agree to disagree'.
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Craghyrax;69860678[color=#09F)
    If anything I expect the elderly to be more mature, tolerant and accepting. Not less. [/color]
    Why?
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    Trump spoke about making quick trade deal with us. We need that. Ergo, state visit.

    The "muslim" ban affects anybody in those war torn zones. 90-120 days will not affect much in the grand scheme of things.

    You need to have more respect for the political opinions of others... If you don't agree with them, fine, but say so, and don't blow a gasket. She's your nan
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    I'd call her back, she's old and lonely. Just talk about old people stuff like baking or knitting lol.

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by lee1999wright)
    I guess I feel slightly bad for hanging up the phone
    testing how a reply looks
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    If it were me, I would call her back up, apologise and move onto something else. It's really lovely that you call her so often.
    • #2
    #2

    call her back, she is still your grandma and you care about her.
    where im from even if they are wrong you shut up. no matter what you are wrong and they are right. if i did that to my own grandma they would have beaten me. i would have received back hand slap and that slap would make you see more than stars.
    Online

    19
    ReputationRep:
    Call her asap, apologise, and try not to bring in the issue of religion again. I've had similar fallings out with my grandma in the past, so I know that the best way to deal with her views is just pretend that you agree and move on.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Reality Check)
    Why?
    Because if you don't get more mature, patient, accepting and kind as you grow old then you're doing life wrong. They've had longer to practice and to grow, and to let go.

    My Grandmother manages it. And so I respect her.
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Craghyrax)
    Because if you don't get more mature, patient, accepting and kind as you grow old then you're doing life wrong. They've had longer to practice and to grow, and to let go.

    My Grandmother manages it. And so I respect her.
    I have to say I find that an incredibly simplistic approach. That everyone's life is expected to be one smooth learning curve, gradually reaching all those desirable adjectives you mention and if you fall short of that rather prescriptive analysis you've somehow 'done life wrong'!
    Maybe part of growing old is to reject the falsehoods and childish simplistic optimism of youth and face some hard realities. It's not all butterflies and rainbows, and older people usually have a rather different opinion of the world precisely because they've come to that realisation. I think the phrase is 'mugged by reality'.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Reality Check)
    I have to say I find that an incredibly simplistic approach. That everyone's life is expected to be one smooth learning curve, gradually reaching all those desirable adjectives you mention and if you fall short of that rather prescriptive analysis you've somehow 'done life wrong'!
    Maybe part of growing old is to reject the falsehoods and childish simplistic optimism of youth and face some hard realities. It's not all butterflies and rainbows, and older people usually have a rather different opinion of the world precisely because they've come to that realisation. I think the phrase is 'mugged by reality'.
    There's a difference between what people should do, and can achieve... and what they're likely to achieve... and most motivated to be. You can push for the former while still recognising that it's a fact of the world that people settle for the latter.

    In this thread I simply disagreed with somebody who suggested that we ought to accept and respect narrow mindedness and inflexibility in the old because it's 'incredibly hard'. On a moral level I don't accept it at all. I take people as I find them, but I'll never agree that it's completely fine for us as humans be selfish just because the higher path was tough. Not as a rule anyway
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by lee1999wright)
    Hi TSR,
    Little bit of an odd one, but I don't know what to do so I'll ask you.
    Nan says how stupid the Donald Trump ban is, I could deal with this because there are two valid arguments for him visiting on a state visit or not. Went along with it because its just easier to agree than disagree. Personally, I've signed it as do not think someone who discriminates against Muslims should be invited to the UK on state visit.
    Then, she goes on a twist insulting all Muslims and saying "its a disgrace we have a Muslim mayor of London, they should not be allowed any power of authority because you know, you don't know what they might be planning" and some more offensive remarks were made, which I wont repeat.
    I tried to say how this is unfair as it does not represent Muslims and ended up getting shouted at down the phone, so I hung up.

    My Nan is lonely and so I make sure I call her at least four times a week and have a good chat, she's said some controversial stuff before but I've ignored it.
    I don't want to leave her on a Sunday night on bad terms when I could be only person this weekend she has spoken to but at the same time I do not wish to be shouted at for standing up against discrimination, it's something I cant let slide.

    Thoughts ?
    What would you do ?

    Thanks
    Lee

    If we all got angry at our grandparents for being racist then no one would speak to their grandparents. you should have said that you don't think what she said was appropriate or that you want to change the topic of conversation. however its too late to change the past so just call up, be nice and and say that it's probably best not to tread heated waters
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Craghyrax)
    There's a difference between what people should do, and can achieve... and what they're likely to achieve... and most motivated to be. You can push for the former while still recognising that it's a fact of the world that people settle for the latter.

    In this thread I simply disagreed with somebody who suggested that we ought to accept and respect narrow mindedness and inflexibility in the old because it's 'incredibly hard'. On a moral level I don't accept it at all. I take people as I find them, but I'll never agree that it's completely fine for us as humans be selfish just because the higher path was tough. Not as a rule anyway
    You make a good point here, and I agree . I think my issue is (and it's got me thinking about it now) whether 'narrow-minded' is actually rather context specific. Narrow-minded is necessarily defined by whichever group is doing the judging: ISOC is a good place to start to see that in practice. Should we be holding the elderly to the same acid test of 'narrow minded' than we would an 18-year-old. After all, old people have experienced more, seen more often thought more and, as a result, may validly have come to a different opinion about things. What might be 'narrow minded' to a younger person might well be a valid, evidence-based decision to an older person. I just don't think 'narrow minded' can be so easily defined and then applied as a broad judgement of character or opinion.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Paracosm)
    She's your nan. Of course you should call her back, don't be so rude. The point of a debate is to listen to the other person's point of view and then explain to them what yours is, respectfully. Just because she doesn't agree, doesn't then mean you hang up on her because you don't like being disagreed with. Think of how this behaviour will make her feel, you're her grandchild. There's absolutely no need for it OP.

    I don't agree with her either, but that doesn't mean I would hang up on her. I would explain why I don't agree and if we weren't getting anywhere I'd change the subject. Some people don't want to change their views, you just have to let them get on with it. Not everyone is going to agree with you, unfortunately. That's just how it is.

    If politics gets you both riled up, fine. Talk about something else with her. Please ring her back and apologise. :yy:
    Thank you for your reply, I would just like mention I did not hang up the phone because of her views, it was the fact that when I said it does not represent all Muslims she started shouting down the phone to me, when I tried to steer subject away she was not having none of insisting that Muslims "will always be planning something" and then said I'm just as bad for not standing up to them. I will call her back tonight and apologise for hanging up.


    (Original post by uberteknik)
    It's for good reason that the general advice, if you want to avoid conflict and bad feelings, is:

    Don't talk about politics.
    Don't talk about religion.
    Don't talk about sex.
    .
    I do try and steer away from these topics, however she brings it straight back up insisting that Muslims "will always be planning something" and then said I'm just as bad for not standing up to them. I will call her back tonight and apologise for hanging up. Thank you for your reply.


    (Original post by Kvothe the Arcane)
    But having done that, I will say it isn't worth it. You should call her and apologise.
    I will today, thank you for your reply.


    (Original post by Johnny Sinner)
    Going against someone who's implying that muslims are planning a terrorist attack doesn't make you an SJW.
    I am glad you understand, thank you.

    (Original post by WoodyMKC)
    No, but putting the phone down on them because you're disgusted by them and their views to the point that you now refuse to talk to them any longer, does just that.
    I did not hang up the phone because of her views, it was the fact that when I said it does not represent all Muslims she started shouting down the phone to me, when I tried to steer subject away she was not having none of insisting that Muslims "will always be planning something" and then said I'm just as bad for not standing up to them. I will call her back tonight and apologise for hanging up.

    (Original post by Google22)
    And this is why talking about politics with any family memeber is a bad idea.
    I do try to stay away from politics however she will just keep bringing it back up . Sometimes I think when people spend a few hours every day watching the news, it could be the only thing they can talk about. It's not like I can speak about her past as I've ring her up 4 times a week so know basically everything. Thank you for your reply.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Reality Check)
    You make a good point here, and I agree . I think my issue is (and it's got me thinking about it now) whether 'narrow-minded' is actually rather context specific. Narrow-minded is necessarily defined by whichever group is doing the judging: ISOC is a good place to start to see that in practice. Should we be holding the elderly to the same acid test of 'narrow minded' than we would an 18-year-old. After all, old people have experienced more, seen more often thought more and, as a result, may validly have come to a different opinion about things. What might be 'narrow minded' to a younger person might well be a valid, evidence-based decision to an older person. I just don't think 'narrow minded' can be so easily defined and then applied as a broad judgement of character or opinion.
    I know what I mean by narrow minded. I have a deadline today but I would be happy to elaborate more another time
    I should also point out that openness and neuroticism are two character traits that are used in the 5 scale personality test that is currently most widely used in Psychology. That particular tendency as they define it is reliably found in humans of different ages and cultures...

    At the end of the day, each person is unique and has their own set of reasons for being they way they are. It is always inadvisable to assume things about what is possible for a person without knowing their history and situation. Just as, in my view, things like blanket bans on abortion are silly.

    But the post I was reacting to offered a general rule: old people generally, it assumed, find it harder to be flexible and to deal with change. My point is merely that I don't accept it. And I am open to the possibility that some people may not be able to do better. But I think that a lot of people can, but are too selfish. At whatever age. That applies to me too. But I am trying and I believe I can be better, and will be by the time I reach 80
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Sternumator)
    As a general point I think people should be more tolerant of the views of older people. I think people too quickly label them all sorts when they are not bad people. They grew up in a different era and often it is only ignorance.

    But I don't think you owe your grandma anything because she is old and lonely. If she shouts at you, you don't have to put up with that. Old people are not stupid and can be manipulative. Sometimes you have to put your foot down with them.

    I don't think you should call back the same night. You didn't do anything wrong. I would just call her next time when you usually would and not mention it unless she brings it up and then you can defend yourself.
    I try to steer away from politics when on the phone however it seems like this is all she ever wants to talk about that is current, because she does not do much I think she only knows to talk about what she sees on tv.
    I do appreciate the second part of your reply, I felt quite bad yesterday but I needed to put my foot down. I'll call her back up today.

    (Original post by 999tigger)
    Phone her, point out you shouldnt have put the phone down, buts she said some very controvesial things which you strongly disagreed with. You have your own bies and she has hers, so you cna agree to differ, but you will not compromise or believe what she says is right.

    Give her the opprtunity to call it a truce there and if she carries on, then suggest you should talk about soemthing else and if she wont, then just visit less often or dont engage her on those topics.
    I really do try to steer away these topics however she kept bringing it up. I feel like because she spends most the day watching TV, a good few hours reading/watching the news she thinks its the only current thing she can talk about. I'll call her back up tonight and try again to stay away from politics however I had to put my foot down when she was implying that Muslims are terrorists.


    (Original post by doodle_333)
    I hope you called her back. People are entitled to their own views and I would definitely say that people don't have a right to upset or hurt people with those views (e.g. racist ones) your nan isn't actually offending anyone by telling you her views. Old people tend to be less modern and accepting and you can show your views calmly or just say 'shall we talk about something else and agree to disagree'.
    I will call her back today, I try my best to stay away from politics but I feel like because she spends most the day watching TV, a good few hours reading/watching the news she thinks its the only current thing she can talk about. I'll call her back up tonight and try again to stay away from politics however I had to put my foot down when she was implying that Muslims are terrorists. It wont slide, either she'll force me to agree or keep moaning, I cannot lie & agree with her on this. Thanks for your reply.
    (Original post by 1010marina)
    Trump spoke about making quick trade deal with us. We need that. Ergo, state visit.

    The "muslim" ban affects anybody in those war torn zones. 90-120 days will not affect much in the grand scheme of things.

    You need to have more respect for the political opinions of others... If you don't agree with them, fine, but say so, and don't blow a gasket. She's your nan
    I did not blow a gasket and quite often just agree in order to keep the conversation going however I will not agree with her implying that Muslims are terrorists. It was not her views on the ban or Donald Trump, it was her views on Muslims. I tried to steer away from politics like I always do as I know she has controversial views or but my nan cannot force me to agree on her views of Muslims. Thanks for your reply.

    (Original post by A321)
    I'd call her back, she's old and lonely. Just talk about old people stuff like baking or knitting lol.

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    When you speak to her for about 15 hours a week there is only so much baking, knitting and daytime TV you can talk about lol.

    (Original post by kuroskye)
    If it were me, I would call her back up, apologise and move onto something else. It's really lovely that you call her so often.
    I will phone her back today, thanks for your reply.

    (Original post by JohnGreek)
    Call her asap, apologise, and try not to bring in the issue of religion again. I've had similar fallings out with my grandma in the past, so I know that the best way to deal with her views is just pretend that you agree and move on.
    I will phone her back up today and apologise for hanging up however I am not going pretend to agree on her views that Muslims are terrorists to keep the conversation going. I often just agree to keep it going without an argument but I can't this time. Thank you for your reply.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: February 3, 2017
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Did TEF Bronze Award affect your UCAS choices?
    Useful resources
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.