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    (Original post by MiszShortee786)
    Youre misguiding OP based upon what you want her to do. Which in this case leave her religion as for you its not satisfying so you want others to suffer with you.
    you are ignoring developments in the Islamic Community. To you, it may be bidah (innovation), but for others, it's an essential part of their religion. Don't try to impose your preferences on everyone.

    fact is, interfaith couples are on the rise, including for Muslim women

    You may wish to have a look at this :
    'Halal' interfaith unions rise among UK women
    http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/fea...639455824.html
    while you may disagree with it, this is the reality
    best
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Casisalive)
    What do you want us to say ? You said you dont wear a hijab and dont feel Muslim but only want to marry a Muslim. What do you want random people on the internet to do about your conflicting lack of self worth,if your issues run so deep go see a therapist and work out the problems causing you to feel this way.
    i never said i dont feel muslim

    i didnt want responses from random people actually, but from other muslims

    and a therapist is going to know **** all about my situation, which is, again, why ive asked for replies from other muslims.

    thanks.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I can't believe I i revealed info about being abused for 20 odd years, having no family, very few friends, suffering anxiety and people are using this thread to prove their own points?? I've come here to ask for HELP and everytime I see a response I get hopeful that someone has something helpful to offer me, but no. I get you're self centered and want to get your own point across regardless of another human being's situation, but PLEASE can you target a thread from someone who perhaps has had it a little easier than I have?? FFS
    You are perfectly right

    well, I've done what was in my possibilities : to inform you about other opinions and other Muslims in your situation

    so, bye and best wishes for your future
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i never said i dont feel muslim

    i didnt want responses from random people actually, but from other muslims

    and a therapist is going to know **** all about my situation, which is, again, why ive asked for replies from other muslims.

    thanks.
    Fine, go live your "great" life under the control of a book written in a time that has no relation to current events and situations. Im sure that big man in the sky hates you for marrying someone who wont acknowledge his outdated rules, such a benevolent guy.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi, sorry for the long back story.

    I come from a household of an extremely abusive mother and a father who never did anything to stop it.

    A couple years ago, I managed to transfer university and move out, but my family would force me to regularly visit. Just before this, I met my non-Muslim boyfriend on a dating site, who lives in London. I am not from London nor do I go to university there. At this time I was (of course) in a bad place and, although I believed in Allah, I did not really care for religion.

    Since being away from the abuse I've found more of a place for Allah in my heart. My boyfriend is almost the perfect man - except for the fact that he is not Muslim. He has good principles and doesn't drink or anything. Since becoming more religious, I've asked him about converting, and he will not consider it. I know I have no future with him.

    Recently, I have cut contact with my mother and have stopped visiting my parents.

    I am in my final year of university and am planning on moving to London after I have finished precisely because of my entire situation. London is so big and I feel like it will give me a greater chance of meeting friends, a life partner, and starting a new life where I can finally be happy.

    I am having breakdowns at this moment because I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I find it hard to connect with people. I have only two friends I feel like I really connect with, and then there's my boyfriend. At the age of twenty I've only ever connected with three people. The fact that I now have to only consider Muslim guys for partners has narrowed down my chances of finding another connection by so much. On top of that, I would have to find a Muslim guy who is willing to date, as I would want to be in a relationship with someone before marriage.

    I also don't feel like I'm the kind of girl a Muslim guy will want to settle down with. I don't wear hijab and I feel like lot of people will automatically assume I'm not marriage material because of that. Also, I feel like many Muslim guys would want the approval of their parents before marrying someone. What Muslim parents would approve of a girl who has pretty much no ties with her family? I don't want to be used by a guy for fun and then get dumped for someone his parents chose.

    I feel like I'm never going to have a connection with a Muslim guy, and my religion does not allow me to be with a non-Muslim, and therefore I see my future being filled with unhappiness and loneliness.

    Advice or perspective would be appreciated.

    You're chasing happiness and looking for it in people lol. seek happiness within yourself first. You cut ties with your family... what makes you think you wont cut ties with guys u date?

    Forget all this bf crap for now and concentrate on your Deen. Make up with your parents too.
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    #1

    (Original post by gman999)
    You're chasing happiness and looking for it in people lol. seek happiness within yourself first. You cut ties with your family... what makes you think you wont cut ties with guys u date?

    Forget all this bf crap for now and concentrate on your Deen. Make up with your parents too.
    I never fell out with them, so i dont see how i'd 'make up' with them. I saved myself from an abusive environment. thanks.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i never said i dont feel muslim

    i didnt want responses from random people actually, but from other muslims
    Considering you said that you weren't a good Muslim, Muslims are going to tell you to be a better Muslim by leaving the guy you love and going back to your parents that hate you.

    Surprisingly, they did that.


    Non-Muslims will say that you should live and enjoy your life, and stop following a moral code written in the 7th century.

    Surprisingly, they did that as well.


    Now, it all depends of your priority: going to a heaven that probably does not exist, or enjoying your life. Your choice.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    and a therapist is going to know **** all about my situation, which is, again, why ive asked for replies from other muslims.
    And anonymous people on a student forum will know better about your situation?
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    (Original post by JohnGreek)
    Damn I forgot that Heaven thing - soz bro

    I'm sure that praying for a rotting corpse does a lot of good things for your mental health though
    No worries, now you know. Yeah, i don't think it would be classed as a sin to pray for him if it helped you sleep at night
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i never said i dont feel muslim

    i didnt want responses from random people actually, but from other muslims

    and a therapist is going to know **** all about my situation, which is, again, why ive asked for replies from other muslims.

    thanks.
    I didnt mean to rep haha but couldnt you get a muslim therapist who might understand your situation better? Secondly these 'random' people myself included have only been trying to help. You are right though we don't know what its like to have a moral code dictated by a religion with such strict guidelines however it seems to me you desperately want a reason to stay with your bf and want someone from your religion to perhaps provide a loop hole?

    Im sorry about your upbringing, i wish you had a better hand dealt in life but the best advice as a non muslim but a fellow human being i can give is choose what makes you happy.
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by smartguy32)
    I didnt mean to rep haha but couldnt you get a muslim therapist who might understand your situation better? Secondly these 'random' people myself included have only been trying to help. You are right though we don't know what its like to have a moral code dictated by a religion with such strict guidelines however it seems to me you desperately want a reason to stay with your bf and want someone from your religion to perhaps provide a loop hole?

    Im sorry about your upbringing, i wish you had a better hand dealt in life but the best advice as a non muslim but a fellow human being i can give is choose what makes you happy.
    no, ive already come to terms with not being able to be with him. I was actually looking for their opinions on my perspective, and if they have any advice on what I can do now about it.
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    Hey there,

    completely understand your situation down to the hijab thing too and honestly I feel for you that this post has become a shitstorm of people being unhelpful for the sake of being edgy.

    Just wanted to say if you want someone to talk to and discuss this more in depth then I'd be more than happy to and to maybe make your move to London more accommodating too then please let me know.

    It's very tough but if you are already doubtful of your future with your partner then there's already a willingness that you don't want to risk everything right now and personally I would do the same and cut ties because you are still young, there will be people that support you after this and feeling afraid of not having that person around right now is temporary, you will be able to move past it. It's just a very difficult position but looking towards a fresh start without any ties is something you could aim for when graduating this year.

    Inshallah, I wish you the best and hope that your difficulties soften over the coming year.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi, sorry for the long back story.

    I come from a household of an extremely abusive mother and a father who never did anything to stop it.

    A couple years ago, I managed to transfer university and move out, but my family would force me to regularly visit. Just before this, I met my non-Muslim boyfriend on a dating site, who lives in London. I am not from London nor do I go to university there. At this time I was (of course) in a bad place and, although I believed in Allah, I did not really care for religion.

    Since being away from the abuse I've found more of a place for Allah in my heart. My boyfriend is almost the perfect man - except for the fact that he is not Muslim. He has good principles and doesn't drink or anything. Since becoming more religious, I've asked him about converting, and he will not consider it. I know I have no future with him.

    Recently, I have cut contact with my mother and have stopped visiting my parents.

    I am in my final year of university and am planning on moving to London after I have finished precisely because of my entire situation. London is so big and I feel like it will give me a greater chance of meeting friends, a life partner, and starting a new life where I can finally be happy.

    I am having breakdowns at this moment because I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I find it hard to connect with people. I have only two friends I feel like I really connect with, and then there's my boyfriend. At the age of twenty I've only ever connected with three people. The fact that I now have to only consider Muslim guys for partners has narrowed down my chances of finding another connection by so much. On top of that, I would have to find a Muslim guy who is willing to date, as I would want to be in a relationship with someone before marriage.

    I also don't feel like I'm the kind of girl a Muslim guy will want to settle down with. I don't wear hijab and I feel like lot of people will automatically assume I'm not marriage material because of that. Also, I feel like many Muslim guys would want the approval of their parents before marrying someone. What Muslim parents would approve of a girl who has pretty much no ties with her family? I don't want to be used by a guy for fun and then get dumped for someone his parents chose.

    I feel like I'm never going to have a connection with a Muslim guy, and my religion does not allow me to be with a non-Muslim, and therefore I see my future being filled with unhappiness and loneliness.

    Advice or perspective would be appreciated.
    Assalaamu Alaykum OP/sis,

    I am so sorry to hear that you come from an abusive household. No doubt you are in a difficult situation and I don't blame you for being worried and scared of being alone as a result. Believe it or not, you are not alone and there is a possibility that many Muslims will be in the same position with finding a spouse, regardless the background they are from. However, as Muslims we need to know that it is not worth stressing over the problem of finding a spouse so much that it results in us losing hope completely. All the negativity is from the shaytaan.

    Not only are you in a haraam relationship (so you're not pleasing your creator and so risking your hereafter) but wasting yours and his time as you clearly know you have no future with him. I agree with what the other Muslims have suggested, that you disconnect and end the relationship with your boyfriend. The earlier the better and it is wiser to go through this short term pain than a long term one.

    Masha'Allah sis, it is great to know you are aiming to be a better Muslim despite these issues you are facing, shows that surely Allah swt wants better for you. May Allah bless you with His mercy. Ameen.

    Remember Allah swt said: "Remember me, I will remember you" SubhanAllah. So choose your deen over the worldy life, have faith in Allah swt, repent to Him wholeheartedly, seek His forgiveness, be grateful to Him and put your fears aside. Then there is hope that you will be succesful with Allah's help. Allah works in mysterious ways, maybe He will give you what you want at the right time. Dua is the weapon of the believer, so use it and never get tired of asking Allah swt for help as well as work towards being a practicing Muslimah.

    All I am trying to say is so don't give up as there maybe a Muslim out there who will accept you regardless of your background. I have seen it happen despite the long wait and facing stressful times. So at the end of the day, one should know that they will face trials but one has to overcome it by observing patience and keeping trust in Allah swt as He is the best of planners.

    May Allah help you with your affairs, guide you and your parents and give you what is best. Ameen.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    no, ive already come to terms with not being able to be with him. I was actually looking for their opinions on my perspective, and if they have any advice on what I can do now about it.
    What did your bf say?
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    #5

    Well done for cutting your family out of your life, best way to punish people for mistreating you.

    You know, if anything this could get your mother to change her ways. I was constantly abused by several aunties and uncles, its only after I openly told them through my parents that I considered them 'dead' to me that they actually changed their attitude. Its almost as if they respected me more for no longer being their doormat and they seemed more determined to get me to like them so now they are soooo very different towards me

    Hopefully it should be 10x more successful on your parents because you are their daughter after all and being cut off from their child will hopefully make them miss you like crazy and make them re-evaluate how much you mean to them and how they were treating you. Miracles won't ever happen, your mother won't have a complete personality transplant - she will still most likely be an angry person underneath still - but will just be better at controlling herself in future - lest she lose you again

    So getting your family back is not impossible, never say never. Time is a good healer. And 20 is far too young to be even looking at marriage anyways. Work on yourself first. Given the horrible experiences you've been through in life try putting a hold on the whole boyfriend or husband business for a while and focus on:

    making your life better
    your studies
    your family
    and having fun with your friends

    but believe me, the three things you couldn't be more wrong about are:

    there is a big percentage of muslim men willing to date, it does seem to be the norm after all. even a lot of proper practising, 5-times namaaz, long bearded brothers that I know have secretly dated too. everyone does it, they just don't brag about it

    there is a huge percentage of muslim men willing to date/marry a non-hijabi woman. remember there are also moderate muslim men out there too who are equally in the same boat as you, religion-wise

    and yes whilst 'family' is a big thing in the asian community, you can't really see that it will definitely go against you if you don't keep connections with your family. it all depends on the guy you end up with and how caring and understanding his own parents are. naturally if he comes from a very gossipy, culturally brainwashed family then they might make a big deal out of it. but if he has good, decent, God-fearing parents then they would hopefully be very understanding towards your situation and may even be happy to be your stand-in parents (as in your wali) and love and look after you as their own. I'm fortunate enough to acknowledge that my parents are these types, the type who don't judge too harshly and understand that not everything is black and white for everyone

    so anyways, just remember that this too shall pass. be patient, don't let it get you down too much and keep your head up and just keep walking forwards. all the best...
    • #6
    #6

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've come here to ask for HELP
    With respect, it seems to me your mind is already made up. You've told us that your boyfriend is adamant that he will not convert for your sake, that you are adamant that you will not abandon your current beliefs or consider any theological alternatives for his sake and that your main reason for not leaving is that you will have no support network and might end up alone indefinitely.

    The morally consistent thing to do is leave (it isn't what I would do mind, so I hope it's clear I'm not being biased). I'm not altogether convinced that the relationship is built on a sound foundation and I mean that in the nicest way possible. It sounds like your biggest concern isn't that you'd lose this special person forever, but that you might not find a like-for-like Muslim copy to replace him with.

    I remember once another member made a thread about an exam she had and asked whether it was okay to ask others who had already sat it about what the questions were. When I told her it wasn't she kept adding new information to get me to give her the green light ("it's open book anyway", "everyone is doing it so it's not unfair"). She was just hoping someone would validate what she'd already decided on but had a bad feeling about. I think this might be the case here too. Sorry if all sounds judgemental but that's just how it looks to me. :dontknow:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I can't believe I i revealed info about being abused for 20 odd years, having no family, very few friends, suffering anxiety and people are using this thread to prove their own points?? I've come here to ask for HELP and everytime I see a response I get hopeful that someone has something helpful to offer me, but no. I get you're self centered and want to get your own point across regardless of another human being's situation, but PLEASE can you target a thread from someone who perhaps has had it a little easier than I have?? FFS
    But plenty of people have given you some good advice, read through the thread again! what exactly is it you want them to say? The options are simple, either get with the non-muslim or try finding a muslim guy like you or go back to your parents and get them to marry you to someone suited to you. Final decision is yours
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    Quit UK and move to UAE or sumfin. At least if **** goes wrong there is the sun.
    • #8
    #8

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks. I don't want someone who is looking for marriage, though. I want to date someone before taking that step with them.
    No offence but you seem hopelessly confused. You say you don't want to marry a non-Muslim because it's a sin, but at the same time you're in a relationships with someone and want to date future partners, both of which are huge sins in Islam :facepalm:
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    Kill his family one-by-one until he converts. #CrusaderStyle
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    (Original post by MiszShortee786)
    In Islam you cannot have a marriage with one being of one belief and the other of a different beliefs
    Yes you can. There is no prohibition on this in the Quran.
    However, because Muslim men are given specific permission to marry kitabi (people of the book), scholars tend to infer lack of such permission for women as a prohibition.
 
 
 
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