Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Please help, Muslims will probably only understand Watch

    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by QE2)
    Yes you can. There is no prohibition on this in the Quran.
    However, because Muslim men are given specific permission to marry kitabi (people of the book), scholars tend to infer lack of such permission for women as a prohibition.
    Men can marry but thought it was only in circumstances where she is close to converting or it's for a second marriage?

    Not certain though.
    • #9
    #9

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi, sorry for the long back story.

    I come from a household of an extremely abusive mother and a father who never did anything to stop it.

    A couple years ago, I managed to transfer university and move out, but my family would force me to regularly visit. Just before this, I met my non-Muslim boyfriend on a dating site, who lives in London. I am not from London nor do I go to university there. At this time I was (of course) in a bad place and, although I believed in Allah, I did not really care for religion.

    Since being away from the abuse I've found more of a place for Allah in my heart. My boyfriend is almost the perfect man - except for the fact that he is not Muslim. He has good principles and doesn't drink or anything. Since becoming more religious, I've asked him about converting, and he will not consider it. I know I have no future with him.

    Recently, I have cut contact with my mother and have stopped visiting my parents.

    I am in my final year of university and am planning on moving to London after I have finished precisely because of my entire situation. London is so big and I feel like it will give me a greater chance of meeting friends, a life partner, and starting a new life where I can finally be happy.

    I am having breakdowns at this moment because I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I find it hard to connect with people. I have only two friends I feel like I really connect with, and then there's my boyfriend. At the age of twenty I've only ever connected with three people. The fact that I now have to only consider Muslim guys for partners has narrowed down my chances of finding another connection by so much. On top of that, I would have to find a Muslim guy who is willing to date, as I would want to be in a relationship with someone before marriage.

    I also don't feel like I'm the kind of girl a Muslim guy will want to settle down with. I don't wear hijab and I feel like lot of people will automatically assume I'm not marriage material because of that. Also, I feel like many Muslim guys would want the approval of their parents before marrying someone. What Muslim parents would approve of a girl who has pretty much no ties with her family? I don't want to be used by a guy for fun and then get dumped for someone his parents chose.

    I feel like I'm never going to have a connection with a Muslim guy, and my religion does not allow me to be with a non-Muslim, and therefore I see my future being filled with unhappiness and loneliness.

    Advice or perspective would be appreciated.
    Don't give up hope, maybe the guy will convert. It's happened before. But if it doesn't work out, maybe you can go to your local masjid and speak to the imam, he will help you figure something out.
    Online

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by MiszShortee786)
    Google is not authentic especially to learn about Islam. Its advisable to go to reputable scholars
    Google is not an information source, it is just a search engine. If you Google "learn about Islam", the majority of results are secular educational sites or Islamic sites, some with residend scholars. Every link to an ayah, sura, hadith, fatwa, nasheed or quote that appears on ISOC has probably been found through Google.

    Also, the advice to learn about something from someone whose job is to promote that thing is fundamentally flawed (not to mention the fact that different scholars may give different opinions on the same issue).
    The best place to learn about anything is from independent, academic sources.
    Online

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks. I don't want someone who is looking for marriage, though. I want to date someone before taking that step with them.
    You have a somewhat self-imposed conundrum due to selective acceptance of doctrine.
    If you want your relationship to be halal, you cannot date before marriage, but you want to date first.
    If you are to be married, you want to date first, but this is not possible as you want the relationship to be halal.
    You need to lower your expectations somewhere.
    If you genuinely believe, you cannot decide what sins Allah will punish you for and what he won't. You must assume that every sin will incur punishment.
    If you believe that he will not punish you for something, then you are accepting that there is no divine punishment.

    It seems that your decision lies at a more fundamental level that just relationships.
    Good luck with whatever path you choose.
    Online

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    OP please ignore this mariachi person. He's a well known troll who spends his time trying to seek attention. He is deliberately giving you strange links to confuse you :facepalm:
    "Strange links"?
    Did you look at them? They are both Islamic sources. One from a respected author of several books of the subject of women in Islam. The other contains the work of an Islamic scholar.
    If a Muslim had posted those links,they would have been accepted without a second thought.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by QE2)
    You have a somewhat self-imposed conundrum due to selective acceptance of doctrine.
    If you want your relationship to be halal, you cannot date before marriage, but you want to date first.
    If you are to be married, you want to date first, but this is not possible as you want the relationship to be halal.
    You need to lower your expectations somewhere.
    If you genuinely believe, you cannot decide what sins Allah will punish you for and what he won't. You must assume that every sin will incur punishment.
    If you believe that he will not punish you for something, then you are accepting that there is no divine punishment.

    It seems that your decision lies at a more fundamental level that just relationships.
    Good luck with whatever path you choose.
    Why are you embarrassing yourself by wasting time on this troll?
    Online

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by MiszShortee786)
    What is it with non-muslims and misguiding others?
    Only Allah can guide or misguide us - and he does so as he wills.
    Online

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by smartguy32)
    and flew to heaven on a winged horse?
    This is typical of the ignorant Islamophobe.
    It wasn't a "winged horse". It was actually a magic donkey with telescopic legs.
    Online

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I can't believe I i revealed info about being abused for 20 odd years, having no family, very few friends, suffering anxiety and people are using this thread to prove their own points?? I've come here to ask for HELP and everytime I see a response I get hopeful that someone has something helpful to offer me, but no. I get you're self centered and want to get your own point across regardless of another human being's situation, but PLEASE can you target a thread from someone who perhaps has had it a little easier than I have?? FFS
    You have to accept that if you post something on a public forum with over a million members, you will get a variety of replies from a variety of positions.

    Your backstory is very sad and I have every sympathy for your situation. However, people will give the advice that they think is best based on that, and people will make comments and have opinions on your situation. If you only want affermation of one position that you already favour, then this probably wasn't the best place to have asked.
    All that notwithstanding, I think people should refrain from making essentially personal comments on your ability to think rationally, etc. That is unnecessary and unreasonable in this context.
    Online

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    and a therapist is going to know **** all about my situation, which is, again, why ive asked for replies from other muslims.
    So some random Muslim kid on the internet is going to be a better source of advice than a trained relationship counsellor or therapist who specialises in crises of faith?

    It does sound like you are looking for affirmation rather than advice.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I can't believe I i revealed info about being abused for 20 odd years, having no family, very few friends, suffering anxiety and people are using this thread to prove their own points?? I've come here to ask for HELP and everytime I see a response I get hopeful that someone has something helpful to offer me, but no. I get you're self centered and want to get your own point across regardless of another human being's situation, but PLEASE can you target a thread from someone who perhaps has had it a little easier than I have?? FFS
    Wipe away your tears and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

    If you are traumatised by your abuse then you need to go see a psychologist or a counselor. Asking a bunch of students for advice, most of which have no real life experience is stupid.

    You want real honest help? Go speak with professionals, imams, counselors etc.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    Someone will come into your life at the right time 😊 Btw not wearing a hijaab does not mean you're not wifey material.
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You will hate me for saying this but if u want to form a relationship with a guy, u will have to form a relationship with ur parents first
    No no nooooooooooooo

    If the parents are abusive, then of course she has every right to cut contact, and Islam would support this. A man worth her time would understand that, so should his family. Please don't go around spreading toxic advice.

    OP, I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. As a Muslim myself, I've been in a 'haram' I guess relationship before and it still to this day makes me feel somewhat guilty. But I didn't have any of the outside circumstances that you're going through. Going through this WILL make you into a stronger, better person. Have faith and patience.

    I would suggest you ending your current relationship, IF you see that it will go nowhere. Better end it now as opposed to later when you are more emotionally invested. As for your concerns about finding someone who will understand, trust me there are more open-minded and understanding Muslims out there than you think.

    If you would like to PM me, for a chat and some advice - I am here. Would love to know more about your situation and help out as much as I can.

    :hugs:
    Online

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by AishaGirl)
    Men can marry but thought it was only in circumstances where she is close to converting or it's for a second marriage?

    Not certain though.
    Because there are no explicit rules in the Quran (other than the permission for men to marry kitabi women), everything else is mere inferral and speculation by scholars that has become accepted doctrine. The rulings I have read seem to derive more from a desire to avoid interfaith marriages than from scriptural references.
    Online

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by AishaGirl)
    Why are you embarrassing yourself by wasting time on this troll?
    The OP could be randomly generated by computer for all I care, it gives me the opportunity to ramble on about issues theological. You know me .
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by AishaGirl)
    Men can marry but thought it was only in circumstances where she is close to converting or it's for a second marriage?

    Not certain though.
    Muslim men are explicitly authorised, by Quran Surah Maidah verse 5, to marry Christians or Jews:

    5 This day are (all) things good and pure made lawful unto you. The food of the People of the Book is lawful unto you and yours is lawful unto them. (Lawful unto you in marriage) are (not only) chaste women who are believers but chaste women among the People of the Book revealed before your time when ye give them their due dowers and desire chastity not lewdness nor secret intrigues. If anyone rejects faith fruitless is his work and in the Hereafter he will be in the ranks of those who have lost (all spiritual good).

    This authorisation is recognised even by strict Salafi scholars such as Ibn Baz http://www.alifta.net/Fatawa/fatawaD...o=1&PageID=352

    However, some scholars have elaborated on this, alleging that the "People of the Book" of Muhammad's time are different from today's Christians and Jews, who commit shirk (association to Allah in worship), who in any case are not chaste and do not observe modesty etc etc so many will tell you it's not allowable anymore, or makruh (disliked)

    As to the marriage of Muslimahs with non-Muslims, traditionally this was not allowed (even if the Quran does not forbid it) but it is part of the changes now taking place in the Ummah (and, of course, widely labeled as bidah-innovation-by opponents) http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/fea...639455824.html

    In my personal view, this is however a very healthy development.

    Best
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by AishaGirl)
    Why are you embarrassing yourself by wasting time on this troll?
    How do you know it's a troll?
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Plantagenet Crown)
    How do you know it's a troll?
    because apparently people who post in a way you dislike or disagree with are, by definition, trolls
    • #3
    #3

    (Original post by Sabby888)
    No no nooooooooooooo

    If the parents are abusive, then of course she has every right to cut contact, and Islam would support this. A man worth her time would understand that, so should his family. Please don't go around spreading toxic advice.
    Source?
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi, sorry for the long back story.

    I come from a household of an extremely abusive mother and a father who never did anything to stop it.

    A couple years ago, I managed to transfer university and move out, but my family would force me to regularly visit. Just before this, I met my non-Muslim boyfriend on a dating site, who lives in London. I am not from London nor do I go to university there. At this time I was (of course) in a bad place and, although I believed in Allah, I did not really care for religion.

    Since being away from the abuse I've found more of a place for Allah in my heart. My boyfriend is almost the perfect man - except for the fact that he is not Muslim. He has good principles and doesn't drink or anything. Since becoming more religious, I've asked him about converting, and he will not consider it. I know I have no future with him.

    Recently, I have cut contact with my mother and have stopped visiting my parents.

    I am in my final year of university and am planning on moving to London after I have finished precisely because of my entire situation. London is so big and I feel like it will give me a greater chance of meeting friends, a life partner, and starting a new life where I can finally be happy.

    I am having breakdowns at this moment because I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I find it hard to connect with people. I have only two friends I feel like I really connect with, and then there's my boyfriend. At the age of twenty I've only ever connected with three people. The fact that I now have to only consider Muslim guys for partners has narrowed down my chances of finding another connection by so much. On top of that, I would have to find a Muslim guy who is willing to date, as I would want to be in a relationship with someone before marriage.

    I also don't feel like I'm the kind of girl a Muslim guy will want to settle down with. I don't wear hijab and I feel like lot of people will automatically assume I'm not marriage material because of that. Also, I feel like many Muslim guys would want the approval of their parents before marrying someone. What Muslim parents would approve of a girl who has pretty much no ties with her family? I don't want to be used by a guy for fun and then get dumped for someone his parents chose.

    I feel like I'm never going to have a connection with a Muslim guy, and my religion does not allow me to be with a non-Muslim, and therefore I see my future being filled with unhappiness and loneliness.

    Advice or perspective would be appreciated.
    Not a Muslim but I'd advise you to end the relationship if you don't see a happy future with him.

    You can always meet new people who are more compatible with you. If you're worried about Muslim guys potentially leading you on, you could make your situation clear from the beginning and see how it goes?
 
 
 
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: February 4, 2017
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Did TEF Bronze Award affect your UCAS choices?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.