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Been together for 7 years... I love him but I'm no longer IN love with him or us... Watch

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    Hi there
    I really need some help.

    I'm 23 and a current university student. He is 2 years older than me and works.

    I met my boyfriend aged 16. Things were all good and we've had some AMAZING
    times together but aged 21, I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to keep the baby but he didn't.The day I found out he marched me to the clinic to enquire about an abortion.
    I ended up having an abortion 3 weeks later but it was complicated. I went in adament that I wouldn't do it and I knew that as soon as I saw the scan, I'd rather of been a single parent than worry about him. When I was scanned, I was 9 weeks but the baby had no heart beat. So termination was the only solution.

    I believe I resent him since because he didn't even consider the idea of keeping the baby even before we found that our baby wasn't viable. We never had to chance to find out if he would change is mind set.

    We've had lots of issues since... arguments about EVERYTHING, arguing about little things to bigger things and he's become quite controlling (not my words, words of friends who know us both and witness whatever).

    I guess I am writing this post in the hope that you can help me figure out how to go about ending it. I've tried before a few times and he has simply cried and said he cannot continue with life without me.

    1. We do not live together
    2. We partake in the same sporting team each week
    3. I work part time too.

    Has anybody else broken up after a long term relationship and found themselves to be in an "ok" place? I can't imagine being single and alone... and all I can think of recently is the baby that should of been...


    I can't bring myself to think about how he will be if I end it as he said he always feels so alone and friendless. It breaks my heart to think of it.
    Please help me if you can. If anyone has been in a similar situation, how did you go about it? Any advice would be amazing and gratefully received.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi there
    I really need some help.

    I'm 23 and a current university student. He is 2 years older than me and works.

    I met my boyfriend aged 16. Things were all good and we've had some AMAZING
    times together but aged 21, I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to keep the baby but he didn't.The day I found out he marched me to the clinic to enquire about an abortion.
    I ended up having an abortion 3 weeks later but it was complicated. I went in adament that I wouldn't do it and I knew that as soon as I saw the scan, I'd rather of been a single parent than worry about him. When I was scanned, I was 9 weeks but the baby had no heart beat. So termination was the only solution.

    I believe I resent him since because he didn't even consider the idea of keeping the baby even before we found that our baby wasn't viable. We never had to chance to find out if he would change is mind set.

    We've had lots of issues since... arguments about EVERYTHING, arguing about little things to bigger things and he's become quite controlling (not my words, words of friends who know us both and witness whatever).

    I guess I am writing this post in the hope that you can help me figure out how to go about ending it. I've tried before a few times and he has simply cried and said he cannot continue with life without me.

    1. We do not live together
    2. We partake in the same sporting team each week
    3. I work part time too.

    Has anybody else broken up after a long term relationship and found themselves to be in an "ok" place? I can't imagine being single and alone... and all I can think of recently is the baby that should of been...


    I can't bring myself to think about how he will be if I end it as he said he always feels so alone and friendless. It breaks my heart to think of it.
    Please help me if you can. If anyone has been in a similar situation, how did you go about it? Any advice would be amazing and gratefully received.
    Yes breaking up with him will hurt him, but I think you need to take the self preservation view here, if other people are calling him controlling it's a sign you need to get yourself out of this relationship. The fact you don't live together should make things much either, you might have to stop going to your sport team but either way cutting contact should be a case of stopping responding to any methods of contacting you. If you do want to do it in person, may be do it somewhere public, that could make it easier?
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    (Original post by ChickenMadness)
    Would you have made him pay child support if you had the baby against his will and he left you for it?

    Damn guys stay safe out there!
    Nope.. I'd never of made him stick around if he didn't want to... but the support after emotionally just wasn't there. It's not even the case that we didn't use protection... mini pill and a barrier method was used and as the doctor said, we were very unlucky it seems!

    I could never imagine making someone do something they wouldn't want to do. I'm a disabled individual and could NEVER imagine making someone do or hold onto something they didn't want.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Nope.. I'd never of made him stick around if he didn't want to... but the support after emotionally just wasn't there. It's not even the case that we didn't use protection... mini pill and a barrier method was used and as the doctor said, we were very unlucky it seems!

    I could never imagine making someone do something they wouldn't want to do. I'm a disabled individual and could NEVER imagine making someone do or hold onto something they didn't want.
    Ye so you weren't trying to conceive together and hadn't planned to have a baby before hand. You would really be in the wrong if you tried to force a baby on him. You're supposed to discuss starting a family together beforehand and agree on it. Who wants to start a family at 21? :confused: You can't support a child and give them a good life at that age. Unless you're both from rich families.


    But ye I've never had a relationship that long so can't really answer the rest of the OP. I was really in love with a girl that I was in a relationship for a year with though and it took me half a year to get over it. Tried being friends with her and chatting still but only got over it after blocking her and going no contact for ages. I'm in a good place now though
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi there
    I really need some help.

    I'm 23 and a current university student. He is 2 years older than me and works.

    I met my boyfriend aged 16. Things were all good and we've had some AMAZING
    times together but aged 21, I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to keep the baby but he didn't.The day I found out he marched me to the clinic to enquire about an abortion.
    I ended up having an abortion 3 weeks later but it was complicated. I went in adament that I wouldn't do it and I knew that as soon as I saw the scan, I'd rather of been a single parent than worry about him. When I was scanned, I was 9 weeks but the baby had no heart beat. So termination was the only solution.

    I believe I resent him since because he didn't even consider the idea of keeping the baby even before we found that our baby wasn't viable. We never had to chance to find out if he would change is mind set.

    We've had lots of issues since... arguments about EVERYTHING, arguing about little things to bigger things and he's become quite controlling (not my words, words of friends who know us both and witness whatever).

    I guess I am writing this post in the hope that you can help me figure out how to go about ending it. I've tried before a few times and he has simply cried and said he cannot continue with life without me.

    1. We do not live together
    2. We partake in the same sporting team each week
    3. I work part time too.

    Has anybody else broken up after a long term relationship and found themselves to be in an "ok" place? I can't imagine being single and alone... and all I can think of recently is the baby that should of been...


    I can't bring myself to think about how he will be if I end it as he said he always feels so alone and friendless. It breaks my heart to think of it.
    Please help me if you can. If anyone has been in a similar situation, how did you go about it? Any advice would be amazing and gratefully received.
    Okay so I am not exactly an expert but I will try my best to help. (Also ignore the post about child support, it's your body and it isn't even a decent response). Clearly there is loads of stuff going on behind the scene that is more complicated than a simple post, over wise you would have simply been able to leave him. I'd be careful going to friends so much telling him the bad things you have done as this will lead to them labelling him as controlling and if you ever decide to give him another go the friends will then be unsupportive (understandably) as all they have heard is bad things and it will cause even more conflict. You need to ask yourself this. Do YOU want to stay with him? Not whether he can't live without you but whether YOU want to, it's not going to work if one person is only staying for the other and more resentment will eventually build. I think the answer is no, you don't want to and you need some time apart. This may only be temporary and you just needed space to figure out a few things and can then come back, or it may be permanent and new chapter of your life. The good news here is you don't live together so you can say that you want a break and still see him at your shared sporting event but not have to see him every day. Of course this may become too much for you and you need to take some time away from the sporting event to gather your thoughts together.

    Now obviously the issue of the child very deeply hurt you and maybe the trust was broken. I was in a very similar situation myself but I lived with him and I lost twins shortly after he was adamant he wanted me to get rid of them. I went to leave and he begged me not to leave and literally said anything to get me to stay, including he wasn't sure he wanted a child and he now does. Of course this later turned out to be another promise he'd break and eventually I built up the courage to leave and go back into education which is something I was 'discouraged' from doing before. I think a really hard thing for me was that to me I'd lost a child, and to him it wasn't a real thing yet. I'm not sure if that is the same for you but maybe you felt too betrayed by him and now see him as not the person who stood by you since you were 16. So yes in summary I would say you should you need to consider what it is you want, and should have some time apart to do so. You may chose to go back, you may not but clearly you want different things in life and you no longer feel protected/backed up by him. Feel free to message me privately and sorry that I waffled on.
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    (Original post by Damzel)
    Okay so I am not exactly an expert but I will try my best to help. (Also ignore the post about child support, it's your body and it isn't even a decent response). Clearly there is loads of stuff going on behind the scene that is more complicated than a simple post, over wise you would have simply been able to leave him. I'd be careful going to friends so much telling him the bad things you have done as this will lead to them labelling him as controlling and if you ever decide to give him another go the friends will then be unsupportive (understandably) as all they have heard is bad things and it will cause even more conflict. You need to ask yourself this. Do YOU want to stay with him? Not whether he can't live without you but whether YOU want to, it's not going to work if one person is only staying for the other and more resentment will eventually build. I think the answer is no, you don't want to and you need some time apart. This may only be temporary and you just needed space to figure out a few things and can then come back, or it may be permanent and new chapter of your life. The good news here is you don't live together so you can say that you want a break and still see him at your shared sporting event but not have to see him every day. Of course this may become too much for you and you need to take some time away from the sporting event to gather your thoughts together.

    Now obviously the issue of the child very deeply hurt you and maybe the trust was broken. I was in a very similar situation myself but I lived with him and I lost twins shortly after he was adamant he wanted me to get rid of them. I went to leave and he begged me not to leave and literally said anything to get me to stay, including he wasn't sure he wanted a child and he now does. Of course this later turned out to be another promise he'd break and eventually I built up the courage to leave and go back into education which is something I was 'discouraged' from doing before. I think a really hard thing for me was that to me I'd lost a child, and to him it wasn't a real thing yet. I'm not sure if that is the same for you but maybe you felt too betrayed by him and now see him as not the person who stood by you since you were 16. So yes in summary I would say you should you need to consider what it is you want, and should have some time apart to do so. You may chose to go back, you may not but clearly you want different things in life and you no longer feel protected/backed up by him. Feel free to message me privately and sorry that I waffled on.
    Hello. Thank you for your helpful response.

    I don't tell others about what happens because, as you've said, this could cause some real issues and I don't think gossiping will help (even if I'm just trying to get help, I think it would still be seen as gossiping). They are the ones who have witnessed things that have happened or things that have been said. They ask me when I'm alone and I try to brush it off (for all I know they may ask him too and he could be saying anything). The only people who know are my parents...

    The baby thing is a very difficult situation to be in and I'm sorry you've been in a similar situation. He genuinely believed it wasn't anything and infact, it was just something that had grown like a pollop that needed removing :/

    How did you deal with breaking up after the first few weeks and days of leaving him?

    Seriously though, your response has been helpful. Sometimes, you just need people to say it as it is in order for you to make sense of what is happening in your head.

    Thanks so muchx
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    Yes breaking up with him will hurt him, but I think you need to take the self preservation view here, if other people are calling him controlling it's a sign you need to get yourself out of this relationship. The fact you don't live together should make things much either, you might have to stop going to your sport team but either way cutting contact should be a case of stopping responding to any methods of contacting you. If you do want to do it in person, may be do it somewhere public, that could make it easier?
    The public idea may be the best thing to do...
    You spend so longer thinking about others that sometimes you forget about yourself (well, that's what my dad believes).

    Thank you for your help .
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi there
    I really need some help.

    I'm 23 and a current university student. He is 2 years older than me and works.

    I met my boyfriend aged 16. Things were all good and we've had some AMAZING
    times together but aged 21, I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to keep the baby but he didn't.The day I found out he marched me to the clinic to enquire about an abortion.
    I ended up having an abortion 3 weeks later but it was complicated. I went in adament that I wouldn't do it and I knew that as soon as I saw the scan, I'd rather of been a single parent than worry about him. When I was scanned, I was 9 weeks but the baby had no heart beat. So termination was the only solution.

    I believe I resent him since because he didn't even consider the idea of keeping the baby even before we found that our baby wasn't viable. We never had to chance to find out if he would change is mind set.

    We've had lots of issues since... arguments about EVERYTHING, arguing about little things to bigger things and he's become quite controlling (not my words, words of friends who know us both and witness whatever).

    I guess I am writing this post in the hope that you can help me figure out how to go about ending it. I've tried before a few times and he has simply cried and said he cannot continue with life without me.

    1. We do not live together
    2. We partake in the same sporting team each week
    3. I work part time too.

    Has anybody else broken up after a long term relationship and found themselves to be in an "ok" place? I can't imagine being single and alone... and all I can think of recently is the baby that should of been...


    I can't bring myself to think about how he will be if I end it as he said he always feels so alone and friendless. It breaks my heart to think of it.
    Please help me if you can. If anyone has been in a similar situation, how did you go about it? Any advice would be amazing and gratefully received.
    In all honesty if he is controlling then says things like ' I can't continue you life without you' is a sign of little emotional intelligence and is just another form of control/emotional blackmail. This will lead to further resentment from you as you'll be staying where you aren't happy out of guilt and not desire. In terms of the pregnancy, you can't resent him for not wanting a baby but you can resent the way he pushed you into what he wanted. However, this depends on how you got pregnant. Failed contraception? Or no contraception?
    If it's the latter then the discovery of the pregnancy shouldn't have been that much of a surprise and he had no right to be be so dominant since unprotected sex has a tendency to make babies! If it were me, I'd just get rid, from what you've said, it doesn't sound like it will improve. Good luck.


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    (Original post by KingLhasaApso)
    In all honesty if he is controlling then says things like ' I can't continue you life without you' is a sign of little emotional intelligence and is just another form of control/emotional blackmail. This will lead to further resentment from you as you'll be staying where you aren't happy out of guilt and not desire. In terms of the pregnancy, you can't resent him for not wanting a baby but you can resent the way he pushed you into what he wanted. However, this depends on how you got pregnant. Failed contraception? Or no contraception?
    If it's the latter then the discovery of the pregnancy shouldn't have been that much of a surprise and he had no right to be be so dominant since unprotected sex has a tendency to make babies! If it were me, I'd just get rid, from what you've said, it doesn't sound like it will improve. Good luck.


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    The pregnancy was as a result of failed contraception... due to the conditions I have, I always used 1 or 2 methods of contraception to be on the safe side... turns out we were very unlucky.


    Thank you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hello. Thank you for your helpful response.

    I don't tell others about what happens because, as you've said, this could cause some real issues and I don't think gossiping will help (even if I'm just trying to get help, I think it would still be seen as gossiping). They are the ones who have witnessed things that have happened or things that have been said. They ask me when I'm alone and I try to brush it off (for all I know they may ask him too and he could be saying anything). The only people who know are my parents...

    The baby thing is a very difficult situation to be in and I'm sorry you've been in a similar situation. He genuinely believed it wasn't anything and infact, it was just something that had grown like a pollop that needed removing :/

    How did you deal with breaking up after the first few weeks and days of leaving him?

    Seriously though, your response has been helpful. Sometimes, you just need people to say it as it is in order for you to make sense of what is happening in your head.

    Thanks so muchx
    Of course no problem. To be honest, anything I saw you will probably have already thought of yourself but sometimes it is nice to just talk it over with someone. Now being honest here the breakup was ROUGH. I'm not going to paint it as some pretty picture, or something with mutual respect because it wasn't. It was so tough, and I really had to stick to my guns. He used a lot of manipulation to try and stop me leaving and often there was times when I'd buy the BS and think he was willing to be civil and we'd end up sleeping together again. (And then he'd guilt trip me about leaving again). It was a vicious cycle and he made me feel like I was ruining 4 years of being together. But what honestly got me through it was the time I was on my own. I had friends they had a biased, tried to sway me one side back to him, or one side away as they never liked him. When I was on my own I got to sit and think for myself, and I hadn't got to think for myself in a long long time. It's how I figured out I wanted to go back into education to go to University, that I wanted to travel the world, to volunteer in animal shelters. I got to find me and again, and eventually he had to accept it. Different things work for different people and I honestly thought that my friends would be the best thing to help me through it but because they were either wanting me back or away from him I didn't get to think about what I wanted. I would say that meeting new people helped however, and I got to tell them NOTHING about it and it was great, because there was then no pressure when casually hanging with someone to be pushed back into someones arms. It took a while for the separation to be perm though as because we lived together I had to sell it as taking a break so he'd accept it. Then secretly saved up and got a room share away from him. That was probably one of the hardest parts to be honest, as I could easily get swept back into his arms when I went home to him. I just had to keep remembering that the person he was showing me to win me back, wasn't who he really was and that I didn't deserve the premium treatment and false promises for a few weeks until I was his again, I deserved the best treatment all the time and most importantly I deserved to feel supported.


    So to deal with the first month or so: I met new people with no vested interest, saved to move out, went out more, did things I was not allowed to do with him (like going for long walks along rivers, travelling and singing), gave myself space to breathe and stuck to my guns.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The pregnancy was as a result of failed contraception... due to the conditions I have, I always used 1 or 2 methods of contraception to be on the safe side... turns out we were very unlucky.


    Thank you.
    I'm sorry to hear that, you'd expect he'd have been a little more understanding since you did everything in your power not to conceive. The same thing happened to me, but it was through no contraception. He didn't want it, we had a big fight and that same night I was taken to a and e miscarrying. I tried to phone my bf to tell him, he was on a night shift but when called he wasn't in work, we worked at the same place but different shifts. I texted a colleague who worked with him but was more my friend and he told me my bf had put a holiday in and was with another woman. I had my suspicions of who and sure enough I went to her house and there was his car.
    I dumped him and he pestered and begged and played I'll kill myself card. That just made me more determined to go through with the dumping!

    Obviously your bf hasn't cheated but I know how much it hurts to be pregnant and they not want it. I hope it all works out for you whatever you decide.






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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The pregnancy was as a result of failed contraception... due to the conditions I have, I always used 1 or 2 methods of contraception to be on the safe side... turns out we were very unlucky.


    Thank you.
    Sometimes it just comes a point where the relationship is not what it used to be and it ends up coming to an end, maybe the spark has gone, plus obviously the whole pregnancy thing may have distanced you both. Trouble is he has no right to march you to an abortion clinic like that, ok so this case the baby had no heartbeat but that is not the point. Takes two to make a baby so he would have and should have just been as responsible. I think you are correct in ending it, doesn't matter if it is 7 years or 7 months, the fact also that he is being controlling is also a red flag, get out now.
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    I haven't been in this situation myself but I have a friend that was in the same predicament as you. Love their ex but not in love with them.. They split up for about a year and so and he keeps uhming and arring now. But personally I think the latter still applies - he loves her but not in love with her.

    It's hard when been together THAT long to let go. Some many questions - what if? Is it the right choice? Etc. But being that dependant on someone (which sounds like you are) is not healthy. You need to get your own identity and be a "you and not an "us" (even with someone I think it's still important to have your own identity)

    I think you have made your mind up that you definitely don't want to be with him anymore and TBH I don't blame you. You are correct by resenting him, which it does seem very much like you do. So if that's the case, you will never get past that. You need to sit down and talk to him and tell him it's over. It's going to be hard, he's going to cry perhaps, you might too but you need to remain firm. Keep contact to a minimum after you made your decision (such as only talk to give stuff back to each other) and then spend some time apart. You never know some time apart might make the heart grow fonder or it might make you a better person for it and you are ALOT happier. It seems it's one of them situations as well that you have been together for such a long time and at such a young age, maybe you feel like you have spent a lot of your young years tied down?? Like I said above, you need to find yourself and your identity.. It seems like you have lost that on the way.


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