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Why doesn't my dad know how to show love? Watch

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    #1

    Disclaimer: this is probably going to be long.

    My dad has always been very emotionally distant to myself, my siblings and my mum. I feel like his personality doesn't allow him to show affection or love in any way. He doesn't ever hug or kiss us or seem like he cares about us (and when he does I feel like he does it from a feeling of obligation, not natural). I know this is probably not true and it's just tearing me apart because I know he's not a bad person but I feel like his disposition is a huge barrier. Sorry, I don't know how to explain this, I have so much to say.

    Context:

    My parents were married via arranged marriage method. My mum was 16 and he was 19 years older than her. My mum was clueless about what was going on and just went along with it, thinking that her parents know what they are doing.My mum was from a really poor family and they were promised that my dad had lots of money and so obv they thought he would be a good, beneficial suitor. My mum's parents weren't educated by the way, they were poor and innocent. So anyway my mum and dad met, engaged and married all in the space of three days. They travelled away from my mum's parents and my mum was left all alone, as a vulnerable 16 year old, with a 35 year old cold, emotionally distant man who barely spoke to her or even show his feelings. While he went out to work everyday in a country which my mum could barely understand the language of, he would lock the front door and she had to stay at home and do nothing all day. Anyway they later immigrated to the UK and she was pregnant with my older brother (she was still 16 by the way). He said he didn't want kids, but my mum did; it was the only way to make her less lonely. She raised her first child all alone, with nobody's help or support; my dad didn't support her in caring for him at all and was almost disgusted by the way the newborn babies look, not wanting to hold them at all. My older brother became her best friend, he was literally the only person she could interact with, whom she could show love to and have it returned. Bare in mind she couldn't speak English at all yet, so was completely lonely. My dad never ever showed a gesture of love to my mum. She was so lonely that she even asked him to please show her some love, in any way, even write her a poem or something. He responded saying 'no I don't know how. I'm not good with these kind of things'. She even asked him to buy her a gift, because he just wouldn't do anything at all from his own initiative.

    Anyway last year, after 24 years of marriage, they separated because my mum couldn't live with him anymore nor did she see any benefits in doing so. My dad always wants to be in his home country(Iraq) all the time and dismisses his family(my mum, myself and 3 siblings) for his own comfort.

    His brother is completely different to him in terms of emotional affection. He is completely natural and is such a great uncle. My family and I were watching old family videos the other day which completely showed the contrast between my dad and uncles' personalities. My dad was sitting there, cold and solemn reading a newspaper and ignoring his surroundings, whilst my siblings were all swarming around my uncle who couldn't get enough of us and was showing us so much love and attention. By the way that was the first time we met him and also the first time my dad met his brother in many years after the Iraq war. So in the video we were playing around with my uncle and kissing him and that, and then I (the youngest- 3 at the time), after grabbing my uncle's face and kissing him on the cheek, went over to my dad and also gave him a kiss(by the way, myself and my siblings were all really cute and innocent but he didn't seem to care at all or show pride in his children). He didn't even look up from his newspaper and sort of raised his eyebrows kind of in a way to say that I'm bothering him and continued to read his newspaper. I just walk off with a funny grin on my face and don't seem to care, probably because I'm used to it.

    There's a lot more but don't wanna make this too long. But I just want to know why is he unable to show affection? It's just really unnatural/awkward for him. He just doesn't know or understand the importance of showing love or affection. Ugh I don't know.
    • TSR Support Team
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Disclaimer: this is probably going to be long.

    My dad has always been very emotionally distant to myself, my siblings and my mum. I feel like his personality doesn't allow him to show affection or love in any way. He doesn't ever hug or kiss us or seem like he cares about us (and when he does I feel like he does it from a feeling of obligation, not natural). I know this is probably not true and it's just tearing me apart because I know he's not a bad person but I feel like his disposition is a huge barrier. Sorry, I don't know how to explain this, I have so much to say.

    Context:

    My parents were married via arranged marriage method. My mum was 16 and he was 19 years older than her. My mum was clueless about what was going on and just went along with it, thinking that her parents know what they are doing.My mum was from a really poor family and they were promised that my dad had lots of money and so obv they thought he would be a good, beneficial suitor. My mum's parents weren't educated by the way, they were poor and innocent. So anyway my mum and dad met, engaged and married all in the space of three days. They travelled away from my mum's parents and my mum was left all alone, as a vulnerable 16 year old, with a 35 year old cold, emotionally distant man who barely spoke to her or even show his feelings. While he went out to work everyday in a country which my mum could barely understand the language of, he would lock the front door and she had to stay at home and do nothing all day. Anyway they later immigrated to the UK and she was pregnant with my older brother (she was still 16 by the way). He said he didn't want kids, but my mum did; it was the only way to make her less lonely. She raised her first child all alone, with nobody's help or support; my dad didn't support her in caring for him at all and was almost disgusted by the way the newborn babies look, not wanting to hold them at all. My older brother became her best friend, he was literally the only person she could interact with, whom she could show love to and have it returned. Bare in mind she couldn't speak English at all yet, so was completely lonely. My dad never ever showed a gesture of love to my mum. She was so lonely that she even asked him to please show her some love, in any way, even write her a poem or something. He responded saying 'no I don't know how. I'm not good with these kind of things'. She even asked him to buy her a gift, because he just wouldn't do anything at all from his own initiative.

    Anyway last year, after 24 years of marriage, they separated because my mum couldn't live with him anymore nor did she see any benefits in doing so. My dad always wants to be in his home country(Iraq) all the time and dismisses his family(my mum, myself and 3 siblings) for his own comfort.

    His brother is completely different to him in terms of emotional affection. He is completely natural and is such a great uncle. My family and I were watching old family videos the other day which completely showed the contrast between my dad and uncles' personalities. My dad was sitting there, cold and solemn reading a newspaper and ignoring his surroundings, whilst my siblings were all swarming around my uncle who couldn't get enough of us and was showing us so much love and attention. By the way that was the first time we met him and also the first time my dad met his brother in many years after the Iraq war. So in the video we were playing around with my uncle and kissing him and that, and then I (the youngest- 3 at the time), after grabbing my uncle's face and kissing him on the cheek, went over to my dad and also gave him a kiss(by the way, myself and my siblings were all really cute and innocent but he didn't seem to care at all or show pride in his children). He didn't even look up from his newspaper and sort of raised his eyebrows kind of in a way to say that I'm bothering him and continued to read his newspaper. I just walk off with a funny grin on my face and don't seem to care, probably because I'm used to it.

    There's a lot more but don't wanna make this too long. But I just want to know why is he unable to show affection? It's just really unnatural/awkward for him. He just doesn't know or understand the importance of showing love or affection. Ugh I don't know.
    Firstly I am sorry you are going through this, it is never nice when your own Father refuses to show you any kind of affection or support. Could stem from his childhood or maybe the fact he was forced into the marriage as well.
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    Every human understands love and how to show it. He sounds like mean and cold man put him in the freezer he might be happier there .LOL. just kidding. Its nothing on you. Look for love in friends and relatives, because your not going to get it from Ice man.He hates his life.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    Firstly I am sorry you are going through this, it is never nice when your own Father refuses to show you any kind of affection or support. Could stem from his childhood or maybe the fact he was forced into the marriage as well.
    But I don't think this is something he does purposely, I think it's just really difficult for him to be affectionate? Do you think he may have some kind of personality disorder?

    He is now 60 and still has the same traits but my mum says he has definitely improved from when she first met him.

    He wasn't forced into the marriage- somebody encouraged him to travel to Lebanon to find a partner there and so he went and this somebody found my mum for him and arranged their marriage. In the same way my mum was clueless about what was going on, my dad was also kind of just going along with what was brought to him. He didn't know anything about love or girls and was extremely shy(note that he was in his 30's when they got married yet was clueless about relationships).
    • TSR Support Team
    Online

    19
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    But I don't think this is something he does purposely, I think it's just really difficult for him to be affectionate? Do you think he may have some kind of personality disorder?

    He is now 60 and still has the same traits but my mum says he has definitely improved from when she first met him.

    He wasn't forced into the marriage- somebody encouraged him to travel to Lebanon to find a partner there and so he went and this somebody found my mum for him and arranged their marriage. In the same way my mum was clueless about what was going on, my dad was also kind of just going along with what was brought to him. He didn't know anything about love or girls and was extremely shy(note that he was in his 30's when they got married yet was clueless about relationships).
    Could be possible he has a personality disorder or maybe bi-polar.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by splinter2432)
    Every human understands love and how to show it. He sounds like mean and cold man put him in the freezer he might be happier there .LOL. just kidding. Its nothing on you. Look for love in friends and relatives, because your not going to get it from Ice man.He hates his life.
    He really isn't a mean person.

    Maybe he does secretly hate his life..the thing is he doesn't talk, that's the issue. He doesn't talk about/show his feelings, or talk about important, deep things.
 
 
 
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