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Was I sexually abused as a child? Watch

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    I am now 21 and have never spoken about this to anyone, mostly because I feel disgusted at myself and guilty. There is hardly a day it doesn't cross my mind and I just can't get over the guilt. This happened when I was 8-9 years of age. My cousin, who was the same age and gender as me, came to stay round my house during the summer. We were close before that of course because of our age. I can't remember exactly how it started but I remember her rubbing the top of my back once. It felt completely innocent and non-sexual so I let her do it several times. However, she then slowly began touching/kissing/sucking me in other places such as my stomach, and then my breasts, and eventually down below. It felt very wrong and dirty to me so I told her not to do it on several occasions, but she would tell me that it was completely normal and that it was our secret. I can't remember completely if she said we would get in trouble if I told anyone, but I wasn't going to anyway cos I somehow knew it was something wrong. I remember her asking me once if anyone else touched/kissed/sucked me like that in school or other places and I said no. One time I was in my room and she started doing her thing again... I tried to get out of the room but she blocked me from opening the door and then carried on. Fast forward to the last time it happened, I was round her house staying over for a couple of weeks. We slept in the same room and she did the same things to me again. The next night I thought I had had enough and began crying when my mum told me to sleep with her again; I just kept saying to my mum that I didn't want to sleep with her. My mum didn't quite understand why I was behaving like that and when she asked me, all I said was that she didn't let me sleep. My mum asked whether it was because she'd talk all night and I just said yes because I didn't want either of us to get into trouble. After this it stopped. I think I was about 10.

    The reasons I feel guilty and am really confused about whether it was sexual abuse are several: firstly, I did start enjoying the feeling I got when she touched me, but I didn't understand what that feeling was and where it was coming from. All I knew was that it did start feeling good and therefore I didn't always say no later on... this makes me confused as to whether it was consensual, or whether it was non consensual at first and then became consensual. Regardless, I never explicitly said "yes" to her, it was almost always reluctant. Secondly, she had never physically forced me to do anything or gotten aggressive or violent... it seemed more like I didn't want to do it, she'd persuade me somehow and I'd just let her do it. Thirdly we were the same age. I've heard that child-on-child sexual abuse is very common, but the children usually have a bigger age gap e.g. 5 and 10 year old. Finally, she never made me do anything to her, it was always her doing things to me. Could she have gotten sexual gratification from that? I don't know. But I feel like I was enjoying it the most because I was the only one having things done to me.

    It seems obvious now that she was probably either sexually abused herself or was starting to sexually explore. I just know it was wrong and we shouldn't have been doing the things that we were doing. What makes me feel sick and disgusted about myself is that I let her do those things to me without physically resisting even though I knew it was somehow wrong. I really can't come to terms with that fact and don't know whether I was sexually abused or not...
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    Hello. Yes, you were sexually abused. It makes no difference if the abuser is the same age or gender, or if you didn't do anything back to them. It even doesn't matter if you enjoyed it or not. Our bodies respond to touch, even from a young age. If someone is going to touch you sexually it is going to give you a pleasant sensation. It doesn't make it any less abuse. Perhaps it might help if you speak to someone about this; maybe your GP. He might be able to arrange counselling for you. Not that you "might need counselling"; only you will know if you do or not. But with someone trained and used to hearing these things , you might be able to talk about this and therefore come to terms with it. From what you've said about the age of you both it could very well be that she was being abused herself, and probably by someone much older, if she had knowledge of how to do certain things. Good luck.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    Hello. Yes, you were sexually abused. It makes no difference if the abuser is the same age or gender, or if you didn't do anything back to them. It even doesn't matter if you enjoyed it or not. Our bodies respond to touch, even from a young age. If someone is going to touch you sexually it is going to give you a pleasant sensation. It doesn't make it any less abuse. Perhaps it might help if you speak to someone about this; maybe your GP. He might be able to arrange counselling for you. Not that you "might need counselling"; only you will know if you do or not. But with someone trained and used to hearing these things , you might be able to talk about this and therefore come to terms with it. From what you've said about the age of you both it could very well be that she was being abused herself, and probably by someone much older, if she had knowledge of how to do certain things. Good luck.
    Thank you so much, I think I really needed this.
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    if you think that your abuser may be hurting other children now you should report her to the authorities.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    Hello. Yes, you were sexually abused. It makes no difference if the abuser is the same age or gender, or if you didn't do anything back to them. It even doesn't matter if you enjoyed it or not. Our bodies respond to touch, even from a young age. If someone is going to touch you sexually it is going to give you a pleasant sensation. It doesn't make it any less abuse. Perhaps it might help if you speak to someone about this; maybe your GP. He might be able to arrange counselling for you. Not that you "might need counselling"; only you will know if you do or not. But with someone trained and used to hearing these things , you might be able to talk about this and therefore come to terms with it. From what you've said about the age of you both it could very well be that she was being abused herself, and probably by someone much older, if she had knowledge of how to do certain things. Good luck.
    Please don't mind me asking further questions...

    What if I sometimes began reciprocating her? i.e. touching her back? I remember she had shown me how to do it and told me to do it and I felt reluctant to do it whenever I did it, but she later on she wouldn't have to show me how, or tell me to reciprocate. I rarely did do anything back, but I am thinking whether that makes a difference?

    And what if I sometimes did not say no later on? Is that still classed as sexual abuse?
    • #2
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am now 21 and have never spoken about this to anyone, mostly because I feel disgusted at myself and guilty. There is hardly a day it doesn't cross my mind and I just can't get over the guilt. This happened when I was 8-9 years of age. My cousin, who was the same age and gender as me, came to stay round my house during the summer. We were close before that of course because of our age. I can't remember exactly how it started but I remember her rubbing the top of my back once. It felt completely innocent and non-sexual so I let her do it several times. However, she then slowly began touching/kissing/sucking me in other places such as my stomach, and then my breasts, and eventually down below. It felt very wrong and dirty to me so I told her not to do it on several occasions, but she would tell me that it was completely normal and that it was our secret. I can't remember completely if she said we would get in trouble if I told anyone, but I wasn't going to anyway cos I somehow knew it was something wrong. I remember her asking me once if anyone else touched/kissed/sucked me like that in school or other places and I said no. One time I was in my room and she started doing her thing again... I tried to get out of the room but she blocked me from opening the door and then carried on. Fast forward to the last time it happened, I was round her house staying over for a couple of weeks. We slept in the same room and she did the same things to me again. The next night I thought I had had enough and began crying when my mum told me to sleep with her again; I just kept saying to my mum that I didn't want to sleep with her. My mum didn't quite understand why I was behaving like that and when she asked me, all I said was that she didn't let me sleep. My mum asked whether it was because she'd talk all night and I just said yes because I didn't want either of us to get into trouble. After this it stopped. I think I was about 10.

    The reasons I feel guilty and am really confused about whether it was sexual abuse are several: firstly, I did start enjoying the feeling I got when she touched me, but I didn't understand what that feeling was and where it was coming from. All I knew was that it did start feeling good and therefore I didn't always say no later on... this makes me confused as to whether it was consensual, or whether it was non consensual at first and then became consensual. Regardless, I never explicitly said "yes" to her, it was almost always reluctant. Secondly, she had never physically forced me to do anything or gotten aggressive or violent... it seemed more like I didn't want to do it, she'd persuade me somehow and I'd just let her do it. Thirdly we were the same age. I've heard that child-on-child sexual abuse is very common, but the children usually have a bigger age gap e.g. 5 and 10 year old. Finally, she never made me do anything to her, it was always her doing things to me. Could she have gotten sexual gratification from that? I don't know. But I feel like I was enjoying it the most because I was the only one having things done to me.

    It seems obvious now that she was probably either sexually abused herself or was starting to sexually explore. I just know it was wrong and we shouldn't have been doing the things that we were doing. What makes me feel sick and disgusted about myself is that I let her do those things to me without physically resisting even though I knew it was somehow wrong. I really can't come to terms with that fact and don't know whether I was sexually abused or not...
    You're not alone OP, something similar happened to me, except we were both 6 years old. In our break time she would take me behind the bushes and kiss me intimately and say 'I love you' lol. I didn't feel anything or didn't understand what was going on, since I was so young but it feels like a distant memory. However you appear to remember it more vividly. I guess it is somewhat sexual abuse because this girl was fully aware of what was going on. If it does affect you in your day to day then seek counselling because atleast you can get it out and get all the support you need.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am now 21 and have never spoken about this to anyone, mostly because I feel disgusted at myself and guilty. There is hardly a day it doesn't cross my mind and I just can't get over the guilt. This happened when I was 8-9 years of age. My cousin, who was the same age and gender as me, came to stay round my house during the summer. We were close before that of course because of our age. I can't remember exactly how it started but I remember her rubbing the top of my back once. It felt completely innocent and non-sexual so I let her do it several times. However, she then slowly began touching/kissing/sucking me in other places such as my stomach, and then my breasts, and eventually down below. It felt very wrong and dirty to me so I told her not to do it on several occasions, but she would tell me that it was completely normal and that it was our secret. I can't remember completely if she said we would get in trouble if I told anyone, but I wasn't going to anyway cos I somehow knew it was something wrong. I remember her asking me once if anyone else touched/kissed/sucked me like that in school or other places and I said no. One time I was in my room and she started doing her thing again... I tried to get out of the room but she blocked me from opening the door and then carried on. Fast forward to the last time it happened, I was round her house staying over for a couple of weeks. We slept in the same room and she did the same things to me again. The next night I thought I had had enough and began crying when my mum told me to sleep with her again; I just kept saying to my mum that I didn't want to sleep with her. My mum didn't quite understand why I was behaving like that and when she asked me, all I said was that she didn't let me sleep. My mum asked whether it was because she'd talk all night and I just said yes because I didn't want either of us to get into trouble. After this it stopped. I think I was about 10.

    The reasons I feel guilty and am really confused about whether it was sexual abuse are several: firstly, I did start enjoying the feeling I got when she touched me, but I didn't understand what that feeling was and where it was coming from. All I knew was that it did start feeling good and therefore I didn't always say no later on... this makes me confused as to whether it was consensual, or whether it was non consensual at first and then became consensual. Regardless, I never explicitly said "yes" to her, it was almost always reluctant. Secondly, she had never physically forced me to do anything or gotten aggressive or violent... it seemed more like I didn't want to do it, she'd persuade me somehow and I'd just let her do it. Thirdly we were the same age. I've heard that child-on-child sexual abuse is very common, but the children usually have a bigger age gap e.g. 5 and 10 year old. Finally, she never made me do anything to her, it was always her doing things to me. Could she have gotten sexual gratification from that? I don't know. But I feel like I was enjoying it the most because I was the only one having things done to me.

    It seems obvious now that she was probably either sexually abused herself or was starting to sexually explore. I just know it was wrong and we shouldn't have been doing the things that we were doing. What makes me feel sick and disgusted about myself is that I let her do those things to me without physically resisting even though I knew it was somehow wrong. I really can't come to terms with that fact and don't know whether I was sexually abused or not...

    You were sexually abused. And I agree with everything the other poster said. Ask your GP for counselling or speak to her/him about it. If it makes you feel less lonely, I can relate to how you feel. I can tell you my experiences. I don't think about it all the time like you. I have completely shut it out and when I do remember, I feel like it was a dream or a very distant memory. I can't explain the feeling. Its like I am looking at my younger self on a screen, like a voyeur.

    When I was younger I had a cousin who was a year older than me and we didn't see each other often but he stayed in my house when I was around 11. At this age I was still very sexuallly naive. Anyway I remember he would always play fight and then pick me up but he would pick me up in a way that his hands were in between my legs and he would carry me this way. As he was picking me up I could feel him using his hands and fingers and I didn't understand why. He made it seem as though he was just carrying me to the other room but I wondered why he was specifically doing it this way. I didn't say anything to him either but would sort of wriggle away. I was young and didn't want to make things awkward between us. I also didn't know quite what to say because he made it seem unintentional even though I could feel his fingers. This happened a few times but hasn't happened since. We have both never spoken about it and act like nothing ever happened.

    I had another incident when I went to my mums friends house. Her friend's son was probably aged 17-22 at the time (I can't remember) and I can't remember how old I was but I was around 6/7. He was playing with me as you do with young children and I went to his room. He had me in his bed and told me to open my mouth but I didn't understand why. I then remember him rolling on top of me "playing" and putting me on top of his crotch and bouncing me. Tbh the memory is vague but I remember being very close to him and vividly remember his face so close to mine and me knowing that something wrong was happening. Maybe I don't think about them as much as you as your experience was so directly sexual.

    When I was 19, I was at a guy "friend"'s house. I was first trying weed and he was showing me. He wanted me to drink with him and he was very high and drunk. I knew he liked me but I was very naive and thought I had friend zoned him and that was it. When he was waved, I felt very nervous around him. I don't drink but I stupidly had one that he gave me. I vividly remember him holding two fingers like a V and looking at me with a smirk. I was also very high so my nerves were more intense and I didn't really know what was going on and why he seemed like a different person. We were then watching a movie and I remember trying to be aware of what was going on around me but I felt a lot less conscious. He started to rub my thighs up and down and I didn't say anything. I felt like I couldn't move or talk and I felt confused so it just happened. I felt sleepy and like I was in a dream. He then unzipped my jeans and started to finger me and kiss me. I still felt out of control and I went home after a few hours but was crying and confused on the tube going home. I felt like I was in a dream and couldn't remember what exactly had happened. I never told anyone about this because I felt so stupid. Before this I had never gone to a guys house and he had always asked me but I had never been there. I didn't think anything much could happen anyway and you don't think that kind of thing can happen to you. I also didn't know if people will think I am over reacting and I always feel like I will be blamed. It also scares me that I can't still remember everything so I don't know if that is all that happened but the rest of my clothes were on. I have since never been "friends" with a guy as I will never let things get past the acquaintance stage.

    Shortly after this I had lost all sexual feelings. I realised one day that I never felt attracted to anyone or sexually aroused. Sex did not ever cross my mind and I felt like I didn't ever want it (as a virgin). Every time I do call myself a "virgin" it does remind me of this incident. At first I didn't mind but later I felt abnormal and upset. I had been to the doctors about feeling very low. I didn't tell her what exactly happened but I just about mentioned it and it was the first time I had spoken about it. She was so kind and caring that I burst out crying and sobbing in the GP. She referred me to a counselor (I went once and the guy was the complete opposite to her so I stopped going instead of asking for a change of counselor). But my point is that if you tell someone then it could make you feel a lot better. I can't describe the feeling when my GP showed that she cared. Sometimes you feel more comfortable telling someone you are not close to so maybe you should do that?

    I can also add that my sex drive has been revived since I met a guy I became very close with. We didn't have sex but I felt ready for it and I actually wanted it. Before this, I physically couldn't as my body would not have responded anyway. Sorry this was all a ramble but I hope you feel better knowing you're not alone. I'll also leave it without anon if you want to speak to me.

    I remember once researching sexual abuse experiences with children. I found a thread on a site once where people were opening up about their experiences and I remember reading it all night and crying. I couldn't believe how common it was. I was also crying because I felt like others can relate to these deep dark secrets which I would otherwise take to the grave with me.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please don't mind me asking further questions...

    What if I sometimes began reciprocating her? i.e. touching her back? I remember she had shown me how to do it and told me to do it and I felt reluctant to do it whenever I did it, but she later on she wouldn't have to show me how, or tell me to reciprocate. I rarely did do anything back, but I am thinking whether that makes a difference?

    And what if I sometimes did not say no later on? Is that still classed as sexual abuse?
    Tough questions!

    First off, remember that at that age, you were in no position to make an informed choice, or to give valid consent to any sexual activity.

    Please also bear in mind that the situation was not one of equal power. When adults abuse children, the power dynamic is very obvious. But when children harm other children in this way, there may well be a similar imbalance, even if it is more subtle (for example, there are many ways in which children can be manipulated into feeling that they must comply in order to remain friends with someone, or to avoid being denounced to their parent, or ostracised within the family etc etc).

    So children may end up complying both because they are unable to understand the full implications of what is happening, and also because they do not have the power to resist.

    It is also entirely normal for children who are sexually abused/harmed to feel ambivalent and confused about their feelings around the abuse. After all, sexual and sensual feelings are "naturally" pleasurable. And being intimate with another person in a special way causes us to feel special and valued. So it is very common for them to find themselves moving through a process in which they become compliant, or even to begin initiating the sexual activity - this is what the "grooming" process is designed to do. All this is part of why sexual abuse can be so damaging - it messes with your feelings of what is right and wrong and your understanding of what closeness and intimacy should involve.

    Please try to forgive yourself entirely for what happened in a situation which you cannot be held responsible for, which you were not old enough to handle, and which you were simply unlucky to be put in.

    You might find it helpful to take a look at some online resources, or to talk anonymously to a helpline like Childline.
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    I just want to say thank you to all of you for being so kind and supportive. I've never told anyone this, not even online, and feel like some weight has somehow been lifted off my shoulders because it really does kill inside. I had also never thought about counselling but I can tell that I need it and I'm glad you guys have made me think about it. Thank you so much

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You're not alone OP, something similar happened to me, except we were both 6 years old. In our break time she would take me behind the bushes and kiss me intimately and say 'I love you' lol. I didn't feel anything or didn't understand what was going on, since I was so young but it feels like a distant memory. However you appear to remember it more vividly. I guess it is somewhat sexual abuse because this girl was fully aware of what was going on. If it does affect you in your day to day then seek counselling because atleast you can get it out and get all the support you need.
    (Original post by Mnanon123)
    You were sexually abused. And I agree with everything the other poster said. Ask your GP for counselling or speak to her/him about it. If it makes you feel less lonely, I can relate to how you feel. I can tell you my experiences. I don't think about it all the time like you. I have completely shut it out and when I do remember, I feel like it was a dream or a very distant memory. I can't explain the feeling. Its like I am looking at my younger self on a screen, like a voyeur...

    I remember once researching sexual abuse experiences with children. I found a thread on a site once where people were opening up about their experiences and I remember reading it all night and crying. I couldn't believe how common it was. I was also crying because I felt like others can relate to these deep dark secrets which I would otherwise take to the grave with me.
    I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. I don't know if there's anything I can say to make you feel better as I'm not feeling great about it myself but at least you got some relief by talking to your GP about it. Im glad you feel like you are somewhat recovering from the physical effects your experiences had on you.

    I am not physically unable to feel anything, but I do often feel "dirty" when I think about having sex or something in the future. It also feels wrong to say I am a "virgin" because I feel like the past experience has marred me somehow...

    About the online forums, that is what I was doing last night since 3.30am, hence my OP... reading other people's stories made me feel like I'm not the only one who has such "deep dark secrets"

    (Original post by OxFossil)
    Tough questions!

    First off, remember that at that age, you were in no position to make an informed choice, or to give valid consent to any sexual activity.

    Please also bear in mind that the situation was not one of equal power. When adults abuse children, the power dynamic is very obvious. But when children harm other children in this way, there may well be a similar imbalance, even if it is more subtle (for example, there are many ways in which children can be manipulated into feeling that they must comply in order to remain friends with someone, or to avoid being denounced to their parent, or ostracised within the family etc etc).

    So children may end up complying both because they are unable to understand the full implications of what is happening, and also because they do not have the power to resist.

    It is also entirely normal for children who are sexually abused/harmed to feel ambivalent and confused about their feelings around the abuse. After all, sexual and sensual feelings are "naturally" pleasurable. And being intimate with another person in a special way causes us to feel special and valued. So it is very common for them to find themselves moving through a process in which they become compliant, or even to begin initiating the sexual activity - this is what the "grooming" process is designed to do. All this is part of why sexual abuse can be so damaging - it messes with your feelings of what is right and wrong and your understanding of what closeness and intimacy should involve.

    Please try to forgive yourself entirely for what happened in a situation which you cannot be held responsible for, which you were not old enough to handle, and which you were simply unlucky to be put in.

    You might find it helpful to take a look at some online resources, or to talk anonymously to a helpline like Childline.
    Thank you, that makes perfect sense. I do feel I couldn't resist for certain reasons e.g. it had already started and what would happen if I said no etc. and I do feel like I was intentionally manipulated. I can also heavily relate to feeling confused when all these things were happening to me; I knew it was all wrong but didn't know whether to and how to stop it. I must say after that night it stopped, I really do resent being around her and can't help wonder what she thinks when she sees me; especially because we are the only two who know about it. When she talks about past memories I act like I can't remember anything just to make out as if I can't remember the sexual abuse too. Thankfully I don't see her much anymore, but this experience is definitely something which makes it almost painful for me to reminisce about all the fun and completely innocent things that happened in my childhood.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    ...I really do resent being around her and can't help wonder what she thinks when she sees me...[it] makes it almost painful for me to reminisce about all the fun and completely innocent things that happened in my childhood.
    Yeah, that must be really difficult. Two thoughts:

    1. the important thing is not "what she thinks when she sees me", but what you think of yourself. If you can believe that you were truly innocent (which you were!), that you did your best to cope with an impossible situation (which you did!) and that you did nothing deliberately to harm anyone else (also true!), then perhaps you can look her in the eye and think, "It doesn't matter what you think of me. I'm OK".

    2. When you believe this, it will be easier to put the bad stuff into its place (which is in a tiny bit of the past). Your 8/9 year-old self was as innocent a every other 8/9 year old. The 21 year old you has survived that bad experience and is still decent, caring, clever, funny (etc etc...I'm sure the list is endless!). You're entitled to be proud of the way the 9 year old you coped, and there is no reason at all why you should feel guilty or shameful about any part of yourself now.
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    (Original post by The_Herbivore)
    You were kids, there's no need to feel disgusted over yourself. Kids do these things. Forget about it and move on
    you obviously have no idea what it means to experience something like this. OP needs help: if it was that easy, they wouldn't be posting about it
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    you obviously have no idea what it means to experience something like this. OP needs help: if it was that easy, they wouldn't be posting about it
    No I have the ability to forget about things. OP and her cousin were below 10, she was never forced and sometimes enjoyed it. I didn't say that she wasn't abused and I didn't shame her. But OP is now 21 and needs to move on.
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    (Original post by The_Herbivore)
    No I have the ability to forget about things. OP and her cousin were below 10, she was never forced and sometimes enjoyed it. I didn't say that she wasn't abused and I didn't shame her. But OP is now 21 and needs to move on.
    I agree with the other poster. If it was that easy OP wouldn't have posted in the first place. You may be able to forget about things easily, but that doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else can. Some require help.

    As for not being forced, it's clear that the sexual attention was unwanted, and that in itself constitutes force. Force doesn't have to be physical. Psychological force is just as damaging. They may have been 10 but OP clearly felt unable to stand up to her and perceived her as the stronger one, which seems to have been achieved through manipulation. I know you aren't questioning whether OP was sexually abused but, given that OP has been heavily affected by this, you do come across as slightly insensitive.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I agree with the other poster. If it was that easy OP wouldn't have posted in the first place. You may be able to forget about things easily, but that doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else can. Some require help.

    As for not being forced, it's clear that the sexual attention was unwanted, and that in itself constitutes force. Force doesn't have to be physical. Psychological force is just as damaging. They may have been 10 but OP clearly felt unable to stand up to her and perceived her as the stronger one, which seems to have been achieved through manipulation. I know you aren't questioning whether OP was sexually abused but, given that OP has been heavily affected by this, you do come across as slightly insensitive.
    Well I didn't mean to be insensitive. I just don't see why she should be heavily affected by it. I see now she is and should get help.
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    (Original post by The_Herbivore)
    You were kids, there's no need to feel disgusted over yourself. Kids do these things. Forget about it and move on
    Kids do explore sexually and if they both feel ok with it then there's no issue caused. However the important thing here is that it's really upsetting the OP. It doesn't really matter how abnormal it is, if it causes distress then that distress is valid.

    OP - yes it was sexual abuse, you wouldn't expect a young child to put up a huge fight against abuse because they don't have the physical or emotional ability to do so. They may even experience sexual pleasure because that's the way your body is designed but as you've found the fact you enjoyed it occasionally hasn't stopped it really upsetting you in later life. I think you're probably right and the other girl was sexually abused given her behaviour and the fact she seemed to know waaay too much about sexual behaviour for her age. But that's pretty irrelevant, we're not talking about whether the other girl is evil but whether you are justified in feeling distress over it and the answer to that is OF COURSE you are. If something upsets you and is difficult to deal with you don't need to justify it you need to ask for help.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    ...it's clear that the sexual attention was unwanted, and that in itself constitutes force. Force doesn't have to be physical. Psychological force is just as damaging. They may have been 10 but OP clearly felt unable to stand up to her and perceived her as the stronger one, which seems to have been achieved through manipulation...
    (Original post by doodle_333)
    ...OP - yes it was sexual abuse, you wouldn't expect a young child to put up a huge fight against abuse because they don't have the physical or emotional ability to do so. They may even experience sexual pleasure because that's the way your body is designed but as you've found the fact you enjoyed it occasionally hasn't stopped it really upsetting you in later life. I think you're probably right and the other girl was sexually abused given her behaviour and the fact she seemed to know waaay too much about sexual behaviour for her age. But that's pretty irrelevant, we're not talking about whether the other girl is evil but whether you are justified in feeling distress over it and the answer to that is OF COURSE you are. If something upsets you and is difficult to deal with you don't need to justify it you need to ask for help.
    Yes, I did *feel* forced for several reasons even if it wasn't physical force... for example she would keep telling me there was nothing wrong with it when I told her to stop and she didn't; I was scared that she would go and tell our parents that I was the one doing these things to her, as she did have a bad habit of lying. Also even though I told her stop and did sometimes move her hands away she would carry on, and I just didn't know how to overcome that. The fact that I was very close to her before also this started made me wonder what would happen if I didn't comply. Eventually I also partly complied due to the pleasurable sensations, which made me think at least I'm not getting hurt. Now I think about it I probably wasn't old/mature enough to handle those thoughts as a young child. Because I know for a fact that no one would be able to touch me like that now without me putting up some physical resistance. Regardless, there is a part of me which makes me feel guilty for not physically resisting her or threatening to tell my mum... it would have saved me from the horrible experience and the feeling of burden that it's caused many years later. I know I was young but I was quite mature for my age in other things e.g. school, good behavior, helping my mum around the house. Unfortunately I was quite naive sexually, because I didn't know that people touched (etc) in those areas, and also didn't know what the pleasurable sensation was and where it was coming from. The fact that I got that sensation is what makes me feel mostly guilty and dirty though, even though you guys say it was "natural". I think I've realised I do need to see someone in order to come to terms with theseveral things.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes, I did *feel* forced for several reasons even if it wasn't physical force... for example she would keep telling me there was nothing wrong with it when I told her to stop and she didn't; I was scared that she would go and tell our parents that I was the one doing these things to her, as she did have a bad habit of lying. Also even though I told her stop and did sometimes move her hands away she would carry on, and I just didn't know how to overcome that. The fact that I was very close to her before also this started made me wonder what would happen if I didn't comply. Eventually I also partly complied due to the pleasurable sensations, which made me think at least I'm not getting hurt. Now I think about it I probably wasn't old/mature enough to handle those thoughts as a young child. Because I know for a fact that no one would be able to touch me like that now without me putting up some physical resistance. Regardless, there is a part of me which makes me feel guilty for not physically resisting her or threatening to tell my mum... it would have saved me from the horrible experience and the feeling of burden that it's caused many years later. I know I was young but I was quite mature for my age in other things e.g. school, good behavior, helping my mum around the house. Unfortunately I was quite naive sexually, because I didn't know that people touched (etc) in those areas, and also didn't know what the pleasurable sensation was and where it was coming from. The fact that I got that sensation is what makes me feel mostly guilty and dirty though, even though you guys say it was "natural". I think I've realised I do need to see someone in order to come to terms with theseveral things.
    Is the woman straight now also does she ever act awkwardly around you or just pretend like nothing happened
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by karl pilkington)
    Is the woman straight now also does she ever act awkwardly around you or just pretend like nothing happened
    I have no idea about her sexual/sex life but I get a vibe that she's open to sexual activity with both genders even if shed only be in a relationship with males. She seems to act like nothing happened and around me, but I think because I give her the cold shoulder she doesn't talk to me as much as she does with everyone else. I think she can sense my awkwardness... and I think she knows why because she has very strong memories about everything else that happened around that time.
    • #5
    #5

    I remember when I was young, about 5 years old, me and my friends (all same age and gender) would play 'doctor' and explore our bodies. It wasn't sexual. More like 'doctor, it hurts down there' and then doctor would have a look and thats it.
    We didn't feel wrong playing that way and then as we grew older we naturally stopped.

    I tried it once with my cousin (same sex, 1 year older) when I was about 6 and at first she played with me, but then one day she'd suddenly tell me that we shouldn't be doing that cause its wrong. I remember feeling confused as to why and we resolved to playing with our upper body only.

    I think children playing with each other bodies is quite common, but in most cases its rather innocent than sexual. I don't feel like I abused someone or was abused, but obviously your story is much more 'erotic'.
    My point is, if you feel abused then you were abused, even if other kids in 'similar' situation may not feel that way
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I remember when I was young, about 5 years old, me and my friends (all same age and gender) would play 'doctor' and explore our bodies. It wasn't sexual. More like 'doctor, it hurts down there' and then doctor would have a look and thats it.
    We didn't feel wrong playing that way and then as we grew older we naturally stopped.

    I tried it once with my cousin (same sex, 1 year older) when I was about 6 and at first she played with me, but then one day she'd suddenly tell me that we shouldn't be doing that cause its wrong. I remember feeling confused as to why and we resolved to playing with our upper body only.

    I think children playing with each other bodies is quite common, but in most cases its rather innocent than sexual. I don't feel like I abused someone or was abused, but obviously your story is much more 'erotic'.
    My point is, if you feel abused then you were abused, even if other kids in 'similar' situation may not feel that way
    Yeah I've read that a lot of children play "doctor" and it's just innocent exploration. However my experience didn't feel innocent at all, it felt wrong, and was definitely much more sexual as you've said.

    I am really glad I got this off my chest tbh... it feels good to tell people who don't me yet still care... but at the same time not having to worry about my sister or closest friends thinking I'm disgusting or getting upset... I'm getting perspectives that I've never considered; all I've ever done is blame myself for letting her. I didn't even think that getting counselling for this was a thing... never crossed my mind. Thank you everyone
 
 
 
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