No, stop right there. You are NOT to blame. You were the victim, and maybe she wasn't aware of her actions, maybe someone did similar thing to her and she thought its okay, but it doesn't change the fact that she was in the wrong here, not you.(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah I've read that a lot of children play "doctor" and it's just innocent exploration. However my experience didn't feel innocent at all, it felt wrong, and was definitely much more sexual as you've said.
I am really glad I got this off my chest tbh... it feels good to tell people who don't me yet still care... but at the same time not having to worry about my sister or closest friends thinking I'm disgusting or getting upset... I'm getting perspectives that I've never considered; all I've ever done is blame myself for letting her. I didn't even think that getting counselling for this was a thing... never crossed my mind. Thank you everyone
You should definitely get counselling if that's how you feel. I used to be in an abusive relationship and blamed myself for that for a long time. But I am not the monster here, he was and too you have to understand that you did not do anything wrong.
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Was I sexually abused as a child? watch
- 05-02-2017 22:01
(Original post by Anonymous)
- 05-02-2017 23:03
I am now 21 and have never spoken about this to anyone, mostly because I feel disgusted at myself and guilty. There is hardly a day it doesn't cross my mind and I just can't get over the guilt. This happened when I was 8-9 years of age. My cousin, who was the same age and gender as me, came to stay round my house during the summer. We were close before that of course because of our age. I can't remember exactly how it started but I remember her rubbing the top of my back once. It felt completely innocent and non-sexual so I let her do it several times. However, she then slowly began touching/kissing/sucking me in other places such as my stomach, and then my breasts, and eventually down below. It felt very wrong and dirty to me so I told her not to do it on several occasions, but she would tell me that it was completely normal and that it was our secret. I can't remember completely if she said we would get in trouble if I told anyone, but I wasn't going to anyway cos I somehow knew it was something wrong. I remember her asking me once if anyone else touched/kissed/sucked me like that in school or other places and I said no. One time I was in my room and she started doing her thing again... I tried to get out of the room but she blocked me from opening the door and then carried on. Fast forward to the last time it happened, I was round her house staying over for a couple of weeks. We slept in the same room and she did the same things to me again. The next night I thought I had had enough and began crying when my mum told me to sleep with her again; I just kept saying to my mum that I didn't want to sleep with her. My mum didn't quite understand why I was behaving like that and when she asked me, all I said was that she didn't let me sleep. My mum asked whether it was because she'd talk all night and I just said yes because I didn't want either of us to get into trouble. After this it stopped. I think I was about 10.
The reasons I feel guilty and am really confused about whether it was sexual abuse are several: firstly, I did start enjoying the feeling I got when she touched me, but I didn't understand what that feeling was and where it was coming from. All I knew was that it did start feeling good and therefore I didn't always say no later on... this makes me confused as to whether it was consensual, or whether it was non consensual at first and then became consensual. Regardless, I never explicitly said "yes" to her, it was almost always reluctant. Secondly, she had never physically forced me to do anything or gotten aggressive or violent... it seemed more like I didn't want to do it, she'd persuade me somehow and I'd just let her do it. Thirdly we were the same age. I've heard that child-on-child sexual abuse is very common, but the children usually have a bigger age gap e.g. 5 and 10 year old. Finally, she never made me do anything to her, it was always her doing things to me. Could she have gotten sexual gratification from that? I don't know. But I feel like I was enjoying it the most because I was the only one having things done to me.
It seems obvious now that she was probably either sexually abused herself or was starting to sexually explore. I just know it was wrong and we shouldn't have been doing the things that we were doing. What makes me feel sick and disgusted about myself is that I let her do those things to me without physically resisting even though I knew it was somehow wrong. I really can't come to terms with that fact and don't know whether I was sexually abused or not...